Boyfriend critical of the way I walk

[strawberrysea]

'Critical' may not be the right word.

We were walking along the road on our way to get some lunch and my boyfriend of 5 years said 'hmm, when you walk you swing your right foot out'.

I've not been aware of this or noticed it before and when we were walking past shop windows I was looking at my reflection and I seem to walk like any other person.

It's given me a real complex and I'm really irritated that he pointed it out. Even if I did walk like that, I don't feel like it was necessary to make a comment.

I feel like I'm overreacting but I'm really hurt that he would comment on something like the way I walk. He's refused to apologise because he says that he didn't mean to make me feel like I need to be thinking now about how I walk, but now I am overthinking it and walking around the bedroom looking at my feet in the mirror.

I know I'm overthinking it but it's really bothered me. Not really sure why I'm posting, looking for someone to talk some sense into me maybe.

Well you are probably overthinking that.

BUT I would have an issue with that:
He's refused to apologise because he says that he didn't mean to make me feel like I need to be thinking now about how I walk

Usually, you apologise when you’ve hurt someone Wo meaning to do it. If the idea was to hurt the person with your comment, I doubt you would apologise (or nit a real heartfelt apology iyswim).
He could easily have apologised and explain he didn’t see it as a problem blabla.
Instead it looks like he just wants ti be right and that you are not entitled to feel the way you do. Which is an issue Imo.

Well that comment is NOT over reacting.
It’s a constant issue in MN where people have no issue being ‘straight’ read harsh to the point if rudeness and being hurtful.
There has many people saying the same things and many people being out off from asking for ADVICE because if that

She's not going to find relationships last very long if she acts like a wounded princess every time someone makes a harmless observation. Overreacting to the point of being ridiculous is not an entitlement. It just makes you hard work.

Does your boyfriend work for The Ministry of Funny Walks?

*Silly Walks

I would suggest walking over a surface that leaves clear footprints and having a careful look. Or going to a sports shop for gait analysis. If you are walking asymmetrically, that can lead to joint damage

She was NOT crucified in that reply. She actually proved their point by overheating to a mere observation.

That's what I thought. I had a leg swinging out a bit after an injury. I'd have thought he was expressing concern, not criticising.

Context is everything.

My ex wore me down with comments about posture, the way my hair fell, certain styles of clothing. Some of his points were probably valid (posture) and some were just mean (hair). If, one day, he'd also commented that I was walking oddly, I'd have "overreacted". Even if I it were true and could be an indication of a physical problem.

Does he generally point out perceived flaws? Do you generally feel defensive about his comments? It could be partly your different natures if you tend to lack in confidence and he tends towards saying things as he sees them. It could be nothing. Or it could be the final straw. But only you can know which, OP, depending on what the rest of your relationship is like.

I had a boyfriend once who said I had a very distinctive smell. Binned him off.

Ah, so it's not just your boyfriends comments you overreact to then.

@ManyNameChanges please point out what exactly in my comment amounts to crucifixation...

All I did was agree with her, that she was indeed being too sensitive/overreacting and advising her to let it go/get over herself.

If you think that is harsh and rude then you might be a tad oversensitive yourself :)

Personally I would be bothered if someone pointed out an oddity in my gait, especially if they’d known me for years and know none of us can really help the way we walk.

So why say it, observation or not?

After 5+ years together, one day I noticed my bf walked in a bit of a unique way and teased him a bit about it. He did suddenly go a bit self conscious but didn't take it as criticism... It turned into a bit of an inside joke.

(Also after a while we both realised everyone walks funny if you look hard, we looked like proper creeps watching everyone's legs 🤣)

He's also made gently teasing observations about my quirks... Surely that's only natural and fun in a long term relationship? Of course nothing harsh, plus if the other party starts getting self conscious or hurt, you have to pull back! I'm quite sensitive myself, but it's all in the tone – loving and warm and teasing, or passive aggressive and critical?

Observation: "You swing your leg out when you walk"
Criticism/judgement: "You walk in a weird way"

It was an observation OP.

Look back at the 5 years

Has he been prone to some observations like this that went unnoticed?

Yeah, I would say you are generally very sensitive to comments and my guess is there was no malice in his observation

Why poor bloke?

He made a stupid (& inaccurate, according to OP's self-check!) remark, which he now refuses to even apologise for. He reckons bthat because he didn't MEAN to hurt OP's feelings, that he has no need to say sorry.

That's a shitty attitude, & I wouldn't be surprised if FootGate is the thin end of the wedge - OP, looking back, does he often make undermining comments, or is this a startling one-off?

That wasn't really a harsh post you were responding too, sounded more factual to me. You do seem very sensitive

I'd go to a physio to get it checked out and see whether it might become a bigger problem (it might impact your back and bum!)

But no I'd wouldn't be offended by somebody noticing and commenting.

I pointed out to my dh that he hunches so he thanked me and said "if I slouch, please tell me".

I suppose it is how it is said, was he kind? Did he seem concerned? Walking badly can lead to back problems.

Or was he sneering or laughing at you? Intent is everything

Think depends on context. Nothing wrong with his original comment IMO - a bit insensitive but nothing actually abusive or worthy of being called "FootGate"...

But if OP was clearly hurt and he didn't apologise, that's not nice at all.

However, if OP jumped straight to extreme overreaction / accusations, I wouldn't really want to apologise either. Not saying that was the case, it could have gone either way.

I just today commented on Andy Murray's walk. I hope he doesn't sue me

Everyone has a distinctive walk. I can tell who is walking by my office out of the corner of my eye just by their walk.

Just own it.

Why was it a stupid remark?

If i noticed a lump on my partner's body, should I not bring it up?

If i noticed they were squinting a lot?

Anything else that was a little peculiar and might have health implications?

It was an innocent observation that was not judgemental in any way or meant to offend. He was probably looking out for her and thinking she might want to have it checked out.

Why in the world should he be shamed and made to apologise?

Ridiculous all around, especially considering that OP's behaviour on this thread is proof that she has indeed a tendency to be oversensitive to normal comments.

Can we stop demonising men just because they are men and ascribing them the worst possible intentions going by very little info? Because it's an obvious pattern around here and it's really not helping anyone.