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Original poster

I met a woman online and ......ADVICE please

39 replies

4pence · 20/01/2023 15:58

I am single male and have been on a online dating site for a couple of months. I have received a lot of responses and interest from intelligent women of whom I have had a number of dates.....none of these women have really grabbed me. Most the women who comment on my profile love my (catchy) self -deprecating words. Generally, I don't have a problem getting dates. Lately, I have been involved (dating and sleeping) with one woman with whom for the past month has turned me upside down. fantastic chemistry -Chats, sex , humour has been great. The creativity has been wonderfully. For both.

Today,from out of the blue,she informed me that she had another long 'slow burning date' that she wants to pursue.The 'conversations' with this date preceded my time with her and for all intents and purposes she has not slept with him but wants to 'give it a go'. We met for coffee and I appreciated the straight-forward direct approach of her telling me. I did humour her stating : ' 'Y'know,he will pale into mediocrity next to me' -where she did let out a big genuine smile . She said she really wants to keep me as a friend and carry on going on walks and playing tennis with me. She has few male friends. How should I approach? Keeping in touch or not ? Go quiet ?I would really like her to Bumble (-;) with said doctor and come back to me 😁

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 20/01/2023 16:05

It is good she has been honest, however sounds very much to me like she has friend zoned you. If she liked you enough she wouldn't want to try it out with someone else. Personally, I'd go quiet and not see her for a while and see what happens from there.

ACynicalDad · 20/01/2023 16:35

Maybe leave her with an open invite to get back in touch if that doesn't work out but I'd move on.

Cutlerydraw · 20/01/2023 16:45

@4pence She’s basically telling you she wants to see someone else and just wants to be friends with you. If she does come back it will be because she will turn you into her comfort blanket then ditch you again when someone else she fancies more comes along. Im afraid she’s not that into you, and definitely not as much as you are into her. Find someone else who feels the same about you and you do them.

Aubree17 · 20/01/2023 17:01

ACynicalDad · 20/01/2023 16:35

Maybe leave her with an open invite to get back in touch if that doesn't work out but I'd move on.

This stinks of second best to me.

Season0fTheWitch · 20/01/2023 17:09

She's friendzoning you, likes you but probably doesn't feel a spark so wants to try someone else and see who she prefers. Honestly, you should let go of her.

FWIW, when I first met my ex he slept with someone else 2 months in and ended up choosing me instead but it did some damage for a while and I probably should've left him when it happened

Jimboscott0115 · 20/01/2023 17:17

You were there for sex and a bit of fun, but she feels an actual connection with this other person so has friendzoned you.

Feels pretty straight forward? Assuming that's the case, there's not much you can do I'm afraid.

Nolosomi · 20/01/2023 17:28

Just don’t answer her. She’ll only use you for freebie dates & a shoulder to cry on. You’ll always be her back up plan that never goes anywhere.

DatingDinosaur · 20/01/2023 17:51

I see it as she wants to keep you on the back-burner in case it goes wrong with the other guy.

If you’re happy with this then keep in contact.

Personally, I’d find it difficult to be friends to the level she’s suggested after dating and being intimate with someone and then basically getting the brush off.

And personally, I wouldn’t do this to a guy I’d been dating/intimate with, knowing how he feels about me. I would end it amicably but wouldn’t offer to hang out/do things just as friends. It just doesn’t give proper closure otherwise.

WinterFoxes · 20/01/2023 18:19

I'd be direct with her. Say for you it had the makings of a really fantastic serious relationship and being friend-zoned while you feel this way doesn't sit right with you. Good luck with her other man. That way you make it clear you don't hang around for scraps.

I'd also ask yourself (in case it's true) whether the reason she was so great in your eyes was that she was up for fun but not that into you, so she kept the thrill of the chase alive. Many men seem addicted to that. Other women might have seemed to keen to settle down with you. Does part of you wonder, where's the challenge in that?

IMO, the greatest adventure and challenge is to keep settled down life fun and exciting together.

NoDatingForOldMen · 20/01/2023 18:31

Jimboscott0115 · 20/01/2023 17:17

You were there for sex and a bit of fun, but she feels an actual connection with this other person so has friendzoned you.

Feels pretty straight forward? Assuming that's the case, there's not much you can do I'm afraid.

100% this, go and look for someone else, you were just there for times while she was waiting for the other guy.

Xrays · 20/01/2023 18:34

Jimboscott0115 · 20/01/2023 17:17

You were there for sex and a bit of fun, but she feels an actual connection with this other person so has friendzoned you.

Feels pretty straight forward? Assuming that's the case, there's not much you can do I'm afraid.

This.

If you actually really like her and want her as a girlfriend you need to step up and tell her. Have you considered that maybe there is no other guy and she’s testing to see if you’ll come out with how you feel?

StickofVeg · 20/01/2023 18:44

Sorry OP, but if she liked you enough she wouldn't have gone for the other guy. It's good she has been direct as you know where you stand, but I'd not bother contacting her. If she comes back to you make sure she's serious rather than just after a shag.

GreyTS · 20/01/2023 18:50

Gosh that's shite 😕 sorry that's happened, it's hard to find that kind of connection, chats, sex etc so it must hurt. But yes, walk away, it's the only way she might someday come back to you (hopefully by then you won't want her) if you cling on to her in any way, friend or not, automatic loss of respect

My3cents1 · 20/01/2023 19:16

Dont be second choice, you are worth more surely. She’s not that into you.

Yankeescot · 20/01/2023 19:26

OP, I'd wish her well and walk away. Please don't allow yourself to be anyone's second choice. It will never end well.

I'm with @WinterFoxes in that some men are addicted to the chase so on some level he could feel she wasn't very invested in him. And it became addicting trying to win her. When you should always go for the one that you have fun with, care about and makes you feel secure. Because when you chase someone you deem super exciting and unavailable, it usually results in a lot of drama!

Samedaysameshit · 20/01/2023 19:36

She doesn’t want to keep you as a friend, she wants to keep you in reserve incase the other guy doesn’t work out.
plus she was sleeping g with him, do t fall for that shite.
Have a root around and find your self respect, then bin her off.

kindhandsworking · 20/01/2023 20:40

She wants you as a back up option, have some self respect, you don't really want to be a friend and have to hear about the guy that won her over. Then if he decides he don't want her anymore, she'll try dating you again. Nope just move on much simpler.

5128gap · 20/01/2023 20:45

I wouldn't. You can't have a satisfying friendship with someone you want a relationship with, especially when they're well aware of it.
All you'll be doing is hanging on hoping it goes wrong with first choice guy.
All she'll be doing is keeping you hanging on in case she needs a fall back guy.

Watchkeys · 20/01/2023 21:06

I think the more important question to cover first, before deciding what to do next, is why you want someone who is saying that she wants to sleep with someone else rather than continue to pursue a relationship with you.

Why is that? Why doesn't her decision to second-best you put you right off her?

AltitudeCheck · 21/01/2023 08:25

Do you need a friend to go on walks and play tennis with? Would being her 'friend' delay you looking for more dates to find someone compatible?

Joey69 · 21/01/2023 09:52

AltitudeCheck · 21/01/2023 08:25

Do you need a friend to go on walks and play tennis with? Would being her 'friend' delay you looking for more dates to find someone compatible?

Don’t do this as you will always hold out hope that she might still be romantically interested in you, your just 2nd best to the other guy now

BeginningToLook · 21/01/2023 10:07

I’ve been in a similar situation, except on the other side of it.

It can work, but everyone in it has to have a strong constitution and good self esteem.

I haven’t lost respect for anyone in this and treated everyone well.

Respect the boundaries you’ve been given, if it doesn’t hurt you too much, and all will be smoother sailing.

Deathbyfluffy · 21/01/2023 10:13

She wants you as a plan B - in the nicest way possible tell her to do one.
You’ll just be on the back burner in case the other bloke doesn’t work out, but you’re better than being someone’s second choice.

If she gets ditched by the new guy and finds you’re not there to fall back on, maybe she’ll learn not to pursue multiple men at the same time.

JosephJoseph · 21/01/2023 10:48

Do YOU want to be just a friend with her to go on walks and play tennis and nothing more? If yes tell her to get in touch when she's free for a walk or tennis and leave it to her to arrange it.
If not then don't speak to her and decline invitations,you could straight up block her. Let's stay friends when there wasn't a long standing friendship to begin with is just a polite rebuff - everyone knows this!

If she turns around and wants to date you, would you be happy being second best? I know I wouldn't.

It's interesting how you thought everything was going so well when she obviously wasn't feeling the same way as you. What flags or signs did you miss?

purpledalmation · 21/01/2023 10:53

If you are genuinely happy just to be a friend and don't see it as an open door to a further full relationship, then do it. If it's going to hurt you then decline and NC

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