I met a woman online and ......ADVICE please

[4pence]

I am single male and have been on a online dating site for a couple of months. I have received a lot of responses and interest from intelligent women of whom I have had a number of dates.....none of these women have really grabbed me. Most the women who comment on my profile love my (catchy) self -deprecating words. Generally, I don't have a problem getting dates. Lately, I have been involved (dating and sleeping) with one woman with whom for the past month has turned me upside down. fantastic chemistry -Chats, sex , humour has been great. The creativity has been wonderfully. For both.

Today,from out of the blue,she informed me that she had another long 'slow burning date' that she wants to pursue.The 'conversations' with this date preceded my time with her and for all intents and purposes she has not slept with him but wants to 'give it a go'. We met for coffee and I appreciated the straight-forward direct approach of her telling me. I did humour her stating : ' 'Y'know,he will pale into mediocrity next to me' -where she did let out a big genuine smile . She said she really wants to keep me as a friend and carry on going on walks and playing tennis with me. She has few male friends. How should I approach? Keeping in touch or not ? Go quiet ?I would really like her to Bumble (-;) with said doctor and come back to me 😁

I mean to be fair she may genuinely want to be friends. I disagree it necessarily means she's using you in anyway.

Something in your post makes me wonder if you have told her sincerely and without humour what she means to you. Something makes me wonder whether she felt real emotional intimacy was lacking.

If so simply hanging out with you isn't going to make her change her mind. Especially if you tend to use humour to form the illusion of connection whilst avoiding real intimacy.

Unless she is a cruel.person she wouldn't suggest staying friends if she thought you had deep feelings for her. I have no reason to think her cruel and no evidence at all she is using you as a back up. She seems to be very straightforward.

Whatever you decide I think you owe it to yourself to examine your feelings for her which I think are considerably deeper than you have communicated to her.

It may benefit you to also share your feelings with her.

Fuck that. I do appreciate her honesty, however don't allow her to treat you as second best.

On line dating is tough. As important as connection etc is so is dating style's. If I like someone and am planning to meet then i come off line just until we've met. Not everyone's cup of tea, but if the guy isn't happy with it then fair enough. I won't be meeting him.

Not everyone acts like they are 6 years old in a toy shop.

Walk away OP. She's been honest, she thinks she can get better than you.

Her loss.

Block and move on.

Move on. She's either trying to let you down kindly with her talk of friendship, or, as pps have suggested, she wants to keep you in the background as 'plan B'. Don't wait around hoping she will come back to you - even if she did, she'd be off again as soon as another 'plan A' man appeared in her life.

You say you have no problem getting dates, so meet as many women as you can until you find one who sees YOU as her 'plan A'.

Depends what you want. If you want a commitment and long term partner then move on and cut contact. If you aren’t ready for that then keep in touch as friends but give her the space to pursue what she wants with the other guy and be ready for her to cut contact if it works out.

Oh dear. OP, if she was really keen on you she wouldn't want to see another man.
To be fair, at least she's been honest and isn't two-timing you.
However I would startbe looking again if I were you.
Nobody wants to be second best. She may just be willing to use you to pay for dates, too, which is a very unattractive trait.

It seems like OP actually did meet women who considered him “plan A”, he just wasn’t very impressed with that.

Some people just can’t help themselves in preferring a partner who treats them badly.

Pearls before swine and all that.

This made me think -When she texts frequently, have sex , gives you lots of details on her children's activities, laughs and tell you how my texts make her 'warm and glow' -I'm looking left and right for red flags ?? Yes, what did I miss ?

'Something in your post makes me wonder if you have told her sincerely and without humour what she means to you. Something makes me wonder whether she felt real emotional intimacy was lacking.'

This made me wonder. My time with her was creative. Personal hand drawn doodles messages, silly homemade poems ,manipulating her profile shots for fun .I think (for me a least ) these were acts of emotional intimacy. They were not predictable -which confuses me. She also shared a lot of detail on here children activities that I was receptive and enagaging towards. Hence being very non-plussed

I've been in both situations - when it was me juggling the guys it was because my 1st choice wouldn't really commit to a real relationship and so I kept the other guys around as insurance.

When I've had it happen to me I was heart broken because I thought I had found someone wonderful who I had a great connections with. He was having lots of these connections with a couple of other women. I walked away, I don't want to be 'friends' (aka available for sex & companionship whenever he wanted) and it didn't suit me to be treated like that. I'd rather use that time and energy making connections with new people because then there is the potential for someone special to come into my life.

I agree with all of this. Don't be Plan B, 4pence.

OP, I would tell her honestly how you feel, just in case she didn't realise you were taking it seriously.

If she still isn't interested in a relationship, at least you know you didn't have your wires crossed. I wouldn't hang around to be a back-up, though. Better luck next time.

You didn't miss anything.

She had fun with you, but doesn't want to be exclusive. If she hooks up with this other guy, she probably won't have sex with you any more.

You had fun with her, but have stronger feelings for her than she does for you.

Don't waste your time being "just friends" with her. All that will happen is that you will feel hurt & jealous about whoever else she is shagging, & will miss out on dating women who will potentially want to be happy & exclusive with you.

thank you