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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dirty Father In Law.

41 replies

lisalash · 20/01/2023 11:47

My FIL normally comes to visit us once a year. He lives in Europe and is single, in his 70s.

He has very poor personal hygiene, in the fact that he comes for 10 nights, he'll only have a shower maybe once, twice at a push.

I timed him last time he was here, he had one shower in 10 days and it was a total of 3 minuets.

He leaves the toilet seat up, pisses all over the seat and floor and leaves long pubic hairs all over the toilet.

He doesn't wash his hands when he's been to the loo ( the sink is always dry ) or when we've been out and come back home, he has to be prompted and it infuriates me as we have 2 small children.

I've spoken to my husband about this who just seems to laugh it off and won't say anything to him. My husband's hygiene is second to none.

I've dropped hints but they go unnoticed or he's ignoring them.

What else can I do?

OP posts:
anyolddinosaur · 20/01/2023 12:07

Run him a bath, saying it's because it'll warm you up, you arent used to our cold weather?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 20/01/2023 12:11

Rent a sty at a local farm for fil . Or go book into a posh hotel. Tell dh you will be back when the cleaners have been.
Fucking grim op.

Aikko · 20/01/2023 12:13

Really grim.
I would probably do what Eastereggsboxedupready suggested. 😬

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2023 12:14

Why have you put up with this?.

Is your husband afraid of his dad and is fearful and or guilty re him; why won't he say anything?. Does he not want to rock the boat here?.

Cancel any and all visits FIL now makes to your home. If he can travel to you, he can stay in a hotel.

federicacheekygurl82 · 20/01/2023 12:17

Do not take this any longer! He will continue to walk all over you and therefore leaving you drowning in pubic hair! Even if your husband isn't taking action you are well within your rights to do so. I would not tolerate that in my home!

DestinysGrandchild · 20/01/2023 12:18

Disgusting 🤮

Surely he must know if he pisses everywhere there's a chance his grandkids are gonna sit/stand in it when they go to the toilet🤢 Definitely don't let him stay at your house again.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/01/2023 12:22

That's horrible. He can't have any awareness of hygiene issues at all!

Could you gently ask him if he'd mind giving the toilet seat a wipe after he's been because of your DC's and wanting to keep everything clean/hygienic? I'm not the most direct person but I'd probably try something like that.

Justellingthetruth · 20/01/2023 12:29

@lisalash

tell him is is welcome but house rule is everyone showers once a day
if adults make a mess they will be told to clean it up

if he does not like it he can visit but not stay.

simple.

your house your rules

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 12:42

Eastereggsboxedupready · 20/01/2023 12:11

Rent a sty at a local farm for fil . Or go book into a posh hotel. Tell dh you will be back when the cleaners have been.
Fucking grim op.

Exactly this. A grown man can't even make an effort with personal hygiene and clean up after himself even when he's in someone else's house? It's really disgusting.

JuneWind · 20/01/2023 12:45

I’d honestly tell my DH that he had to have a serious word with his dad before I’d consider letting him stay again. That’s disgusting.

Tell your DH that unless he speaks to his dad and ensures he cleans his act up, he is not welcome as a house guest and will have to stay in a nearby hotel on future visits.

SamphiretheTervosaurReturneth · 20/01/2023 12:46

I've spoken to my husband about this who just seems to laugh it off and won't say anything to him. My husband's hygiene is second to none. And is he the one cleaning up after his dad? If he isn't he should be, no matter how rank it is for you to leave it for him to do!

Might help him see what is actually happening.

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 20/01/2023 13:05

Ew, wouldn't want to be seated next to him on the plane!

Hedgetrench · 20/01/2023 13:06

I have experience of this. Its horrible but you are more fortunate than I in that it's once a year and he won't be able to make the journey for too much longer

tulips27 · 20/01/2023 13:07

It may be an early sign of dementia.

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 20/01/2023 13:07

That's foul and I wouldn't agree to him staying unless he learns better. But sea everyone really wash their hands after coming home?

lizalopez · 20/01/2023 13:17

tulips27 · 20/01/2023 13:07

It may be an early sign of dementia.

It's not. He's been like it all his life apparently.

lizalopez · 20/01/2023 13:18

UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 20/01/2023 13:07

That's foul and I wouldn't agree to him staying unless he learns better. But sea everyone really wash their hands after coming home?

Yes they do or they should. Especially after everything we've just been through with COVID.

TinyTear · 20/01/2023 13:19

lizalopez · 20/01/2023 13:17

It's not. He's been like it all his life apparently.

Show quote history

Name change fail...

I probably wouldn't comment on the showers but definitely would say something about the state of the toilet and the hand washing...

How old are the children? maybe embarass him by going to the toilet after him and shouting out "who left this a mess again? kids, do i need to teach you all over again?" (if kids are older get them on side)

lizalopez · 20/01/2023 13:19

Hedgetrench · 20/01/2023 13:06

I have experience of this. Its horrible but you are more fortunate than I in that it's once a year and he won't be able to make the journey for too much longer

That's two ways of looking at it 🤔

Moltenpink · 20/01/2023 13:21

The not showering really wouldn’t bother me, does he actually smell?

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 13:22

Actually I’m going to differ a little. I think it can be very difficult indeed to tell an elderly parent who you love and who has come a long way to visit you that they smell and are unclean . Especially an elderly single man used to living on his own.

There is no easy way to do it and it is likely going to cause offence and even a fractured relationship . For the few occasions I see him, as grim as it is, I’d let my husband take this decision and just put up with it otherwise.

FictionalCharacter · 20/01/2023 13:24

Does your husband, who thinks it’s amusing, clear up the piss and pubes his father leaves or does he think it’s your job? Because he should be doing it.
If FIL won’t change his ways, he gets booked into a hotel.
10 days is ridiculously long for a visit too.

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 13:25

JuneWind · 20/01/2023 12:45

I’d honestly tell my DH that he had to have a serious word with his dad before I’d consider letting him stay again. That’s disgusting.

Tell your DH that unless he speaks to his dad and ensures he cleans his act up, he is not welcome as a house guest and will have to stay in a nearby hotel on future visits.

Who died and made you god of the house, the sole decision maker then? The one who gets to dictate.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 20/01/2023 13:27

Not for the first time I wish I hadn’t Mumsnetted on my lunch break 🤢 .

Please tell me you’re not cleaning up the piss?

pairofrollerskates · 20/01/2023 13:33

it's your husband who has to deal with this. otherwise, it's only once a year ....