Dirty Father In Law.

[lisalash]

My FIL normally comes to visit us once a year. He lives in Europe and is single, in his 70s.

He has very poor personal hygiene, in the fact that he comes for 10 nights, he'll only have a shower maybe once, twice at a push.

I timed him last time he was here, he had one shower in 10 days and it was a total of 3 minuets.

He leaves the toilet seat up, pisses all over the seat and floor and leaves long pubic hairs all over the toilet.

He doesn't wash his hands when he's been to the loo ( the sink is always dry ) or when we've been out and come back home, he has to be prompted and it infuriates me as we have 2 small children.

I've spoken to my husband about this who just seems to laugh it off and won't say anything to him. My husband's hygiene is second to none.

I've dropped hints but they go unnoticed or he's ignoring them.

What else can I do?

i could have written this myself a few months back! my DP ended up having a word and things drastically improved!

It's once a year. If it annoys you so much, get your husband to clean the bathroom after him. A lot of people would love for their parents to still be around to visit

make sure that your DH shadows him. FIL uses the toilet? DH is in there cleaning up after him.
It doesn't happen? you and the DCs spend the entirety of the visit elsewhere.

‘The not showering really wouldn’t bother me, does he actually smell?’

Yes he definitely does.

‘Who died and made you god of the house, the sole decision maker then? The one who gets to dictate.’

So does this person.

Please tell me you aren't the one cleaning up after him OP?

i would say 'shower is free i have put towels out for you so you can hop in before i bath the kids'
I also have a sign up on the back of my bathroom door telling people to wash their hands as apparently it's frowned upon to shout up to people to do it when you haven't heard the taps run 😂

Sounds like my dad. When my dad pissed on my floor I told him to go and clean it up, when he smells, I tell him. He used to get very angry with me so I don't let him in the house anymore, this worked the best!

I agree.

Genuinely, make your husband clean up after him. That probably will take the grin off his face. I'd refuse. It's his parent.

Do the children have to use the same bathroom? If so, that isn't fair to them. Dirty toilets are so grim.

Could you gently ask him if he'd mind giving the toilet seat a wipe after he's been because of your DC's and wanting to keep everything clean/hygienic? I'm not the most direct person but I'd probably try something like that.

Why would OP need to gently ask if he would mind? How about "You need to stop leaving urine splashed all over the place FIL, either clean it up or have a sit down wee. If you don't, you can stay elsewhere next time"

I would find that impossible to live with.

I'm not sure how to tackle it without causing offence but I'd have to try. At the very least I would be halving the length of the visits to make them feel more manageable (10 days is much too long), and timing them as far as possible for when DH would be home. That way I could send him into the bathroom to clean up after his Dad and he might then see why words need to be had.

but why does it matter if it causes offence? FIL Is already causing offence by pissing all over the place. DH is causing offence by laughing it off. OP is perfectly entitled to say either "clean it up yourself" to FIL or "you clean it up" to DH.

Nobody should have to go into a piss filled toilet in their own home

Ewwwww.

The comment about the hair in particular really made me shrivel up in disgust

It doesn’t matter what he does at home, if he stays with you he needs to raise his game. Your DH should be sorting this but if he won’t I would be (gently) on FILs case each and every time until he learns …

‘Rodney, in this house, we leave the toilet as we found it, please go back and clear up after yourself’
’Rodney, in this house we set a good example for the kids and shower daily’
’Rodney, house rules are that everyone properly washes their hands after they have been in the loo, no exceptions’.

Not being Anglo Saxon, I'd call him a filthy dirty old man and ban him and his pubic hair from the house. God knows what you might catch from him - I'm thinking hepatitis. Suggest your husband visit him and give him a good going over with disinfectant on his return.

Lots of older people do have issues around bathing or showering, such as not being able to easily get in and out of the bath, or fear of slipping/falling. They are generally not as active as younger people and don’t need to bathe as frequently. Their skin is also more delicate. Therefore showering a couple of times a week should be sufficient for an elderly person. However, that should be supplemented by daily washing.

Does he have any health condition that may be causing body odour?

The toilet sounds pretty grim. Does he have any mobility issues or sight issues which prevent him cleaning up after himself? Let his son tell him what he needs to do, or do it for him if he is not able to do it himself.

Many people don’t wash hands as they ought to, so I don’t think he is exceptional. However, it is yucky especially after using the toilet. It would be good to set a good example for young children. However, if he is not used to having young children around, he is less likely to have that mindset. If the children are old enough, let them direct him to wash hands before mealtimes when they wash theirs.