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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Embarrassed but need advice

45 replies

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 10:12

My partner dumped me on Xmas day in front of his sister while on holiday in Budapest. He denied we were in a relation after 3 years together and said he's not looking to be in one. On Xmas day we went to a really posh café with his family and I ended up paying 200£ for dinner and champagne. I also spent 150£ on Xmas gifts for his family. Then he dumps me the same day.
Do you think it's reasonable that I ask for that money back? He's a Dr and earns a lot of money. I am only an assistant. His family gifted me candles and chocolate. I feel like a mug for overspending and then having paid for Xmas lunch and champagne. I returned the gifts he got me - a necklace and earring set. I also bought him a holiday for March which is now non refundable.
What should I do? leave things or am I justified in wanting a refund per se which I know sounds horrid.

OP posts:

strumpert · 20/01/2023 10:13

I don't think you can really ask for refund. I'm sorry.

WandaWonder · 20/01/2023 10:14

It was your choice to spend what you did

AdamRyan · 20/01/2023 10:15

Take a friend on holiday
He sounds horrible and his family also should be embarassed

Aprilx · 20/01/2023 10:15

I don’t think asking for money back is going to achieve anything, I wouldn’t.

What is the holiday situation, do you mean you have paid for a holiday for the two of you? If so, go on your own.

NoSquirrels · 20/01/2023 10:17

He sounds like a horrible man, so I doubt he’ll give you any money towards what you spent. Look on it as the price you’ve paid to learn not to be taken advantage of again, and enjoy your holiday with a friend.

NothingButSpace · 20/01/2023 10:18

I personally wouldn’t ask for the money, no. Do you think he would give it to you?

Did you pay for him and his family at the dinner? I assume you wanted to buy the gifts at the time.

Warspite · 20/01/2023 10:19

Oh no! That’s awful for you. I’m so sorry.
Id walk away with my head held high.

Don’t lower yourself to ask for a refund. Put it down to experience & never put yourself into a generous situation like that again.

No decent person dumps their partner in front of a 3rd party and abroad to boot, on Christmas Day. What an absolute knob.

NothingButSpace · 20/01/2023 10:20

I had an ex who wanted money when we finished for a used jumper he gave me. I paid it straight away just to get him out of my hair but it was very petty of him.

Colderthanever · 20/01/2023 10:20

No I’m sorry you can’t ask for a refund. You can’t seriously be thinking that.

im sorry he has ended it, but asking for a refund is just too embarrassing for words.

Mari9999 · 20/01/2023 10:26

Your gifts to him and his family were not down paymens on a continuing relationship or some type of quid pro quo.

Consider yourself fortunate to be rid of him. . The only thing that you should be taking from this relationship is your dignity.

Forget about him and the gifts.

Original poster

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 10:36

I agree. I'm just so humiliated and I feel used. But you are right, I shouldn't lower myself, I think I'm simply angry and feel a bit used.
The holiday has been paid for yes, it was a gift. I am planning on going alone, but the whole experience was rather traumatic for me and I am trying to deal with that

OP posts:

DestinysGrandchild · 20/01/2023 10:38

You can't ask for a refund. No matter how shit it it, they were gifts and you would have been fine to give them if the outcome was different. Sorry that he's a knob.

jessycake · 20/01/2023 11:03

Try to think of it as a very expensive but lucky escape , pity the next poor woman he hooks up with.

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/01/2023 11:07

That must be hard to get your head around. Why do you think he broke up with you?

Write off the money, consider it the price for your nice new life without him in it. Take someone else on the holiday if you can, or use it as a proper break to catch up with yourself, go for walks, read a good book, have lie ins, chat to some new people.

Don’t contact him again, nothing good will come of it.

Emmamoo89 · 20/01/2023 11:09

You can't ask for the money back

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 20/01/2023 11:11

You can't ask for the money back and you also should not. Walk away from this idiot and don't allow him the pleasure of knowing how you feel

ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 20/01/2023 11:12

NothingButSpace · 20/01/2023 10:20

I had an ex who wanted money when we finished for a used jumper he gave me. I paid it straight away just to get him out of my hair but it was very petty of him.

I'd have unravelled it and sent him the wool.

HavingColleaguesSucksSomedays · 20/01/2023 11:15

Don't ask for the money back, keep your dignity....he's not worth it.

Liberationally · 20/01/2023 11:17

Think of it as a lucky escape. I know a lot of doctors and their relationships tend to be pretty dysfunctional.

AdamRyan · 20/01/2023 11:20

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 10:36

Of course it was, anyone would feel humiliated and traumatised by that
You've nothing to be embarassed about though and £400 is a lot less to lose than your self worth of years of being tangled up in a rude grabby family like that

Tlolljs · 20/01/2023 11:21

Well you could ask but I doubt he’ll give you anything back. All that will do is make you more cross. Best thing is to chalk it up to experience and move on head held high.
Sorry I know it’s shit.

Original poster

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 11:21

He drank too much which he usually does. Then we argued about his infidelity. He cheated on me a few times but said he was simply making friends and meeting women for dinner... so I challenged him and asked if he wants to make 'friends' why do it on a dating app?? and why not make friends with men and instead of women... ? then sleeping with them. HIS SISTER's response was.. well in his head he wasn't in a relationship so technically he has not cheated..!!! 3 years we were together, and in his HEAD he was not in a relationship? Am I the only one who didn't get the memo?

OP posts:

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 11:24

No, don't ask him for a refund. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him.

Even if youd spent ten thousand pounds it's cheap to get him out of your life. Cut him off totally and don't engage with him at all, ever again.

Also, think of what reg flags you ignored in the early stages, because a man like this surely hoisted many of them in 3 years.

KendrickLamaze · 20/01/2023 11:25

Don't be humiliated! What kind of psychopath takes someone to see their family, in another country, on Christmas Day and then says that?!

Unless he is going through something then he has no excuse and I hope his sister told him.

Here's to a better future without him

Don't ask for the money back. It's shit but if he can do that, I'm sure his response will add to your humiliation. Block him and move on.

Dery · 20/01/2023 11:29

“No, don't ask him for a refund. Just thank your lucky stars you didn't marry him.

Even if youd spent ten thousand pounds it's cheap to get him out of your life. Cut him off totally and don't engage with him at all, ever again.

Also, think of what reg flags you ignored in the early stages, because a man like this surely hoisted many of them in 3 years.”

This. Especially the final paragraph. Why were you still with him if he had cheated on you a few times? He sounds pretty horrible, OP. You deserve much better than that. As gets said on MN, the trash took itself out…. Put him behind you.

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