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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Embarrassed but need advice

45 replies

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 10:12

My partner dumped me on Xmas day in front of his sister while on holiday in Budapest. He denied we were in a relation after 3 years together and said he's not looking to be in one. On Xmas day we went to a really posh café with his family and I ended up paying 200£ for dinner and champagne. I also spent 150£ on Xmas gifts for his family. Then he dumps me the same day.
Do you think it's reasonable that I ask for that money back? He's a Dr and earns a lot of money. I am only an assistant. His family gifted me candles and chocolate. I feel like a mug for overspending and then having paid for Xmas lunch and champagne. I returned the gifts he got me - a necklace and earring set. I also bought him a holiday for March which is now non refundable.
What should I do? leave things or am I justified in wanting a refund per se which I know sounds horrid.

OP posts:

Christmaspyjamas · 20/01/2023 11:31

It's natural to want to express your hurt and have recompense but asking for the money isn't going to address your core feelings or his fundamental problems.

No contact is the fastest way to heal. Vent to your friends.

He doesn't deserve to know your thoughts feelings or concerns. Nor does he care.

Suzi888 · 20/01/2023 11:32

Horrid man.
Lucky escape, though I know it doesn’t feel like it.
Could you sell the holiday? Unless you really want to go alone.

You could ask for the money back etc but I don’t think he will give it to you. He has no integrity or conscience. Scum bag. Block him.

Original poster

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 11:33

Long story but our mutual colleagues were talking about him being on websites. I hadn't known he was cheating but it only came to light recently and he denied it saying he only went out for dinner. I took his word for it.

OP posts:

Sucessinthenewyear · 20/01/2023 11:36

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 11:21

He drank too much which he usually does. Then we argued about his infidelity. He cheated on me a few times but said he was simply making friends and meeting women for dinner... so I challenged him and asked if he wants to make 'friends' why do it on a dating app?? and why not make friends with men and instead of women... ? then sleeping with them. HIS SISTER's response was.. well in his head he wasn't in a relationship so technically he has not cheated..!!! 3 years we were together, and in his HEAD he was not in a relationship? Am I the only one who didn't get the memo?

Sounds like he has done you favour in ending it. You really need to increase your standards.

Dacadactyl · 20/01/2023 11:37

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 11:33

You have bad radar. I cam guarantee you these "dinner incidents" were the last in a long line of signs that he was a scumbag.

wineandpjs · 20/01/2023 11:43

Don't mention the money, he already has no respect for you so that will make him feel more above you and even give him a little kick.

I have a cousin who thought he was gods gift, he always had several woman on the go and didn't want a relationship.
Now he's mid 50s lost his looks, bald, single and lonely.
He regularly talks about his regrets when reminiscing about the woman he jogged on that were keepers but he was a fool.
It's his loss, find someone who deserves you.

KalvinPhillipsBoots · 20/01/2023 11:45

You spent the money no one forced you.

cassiatwenty · 20/01/2023 11:52

Indeed, the trash took itself out.

If he did this to you in Budapest such a moral man and all then I don't think he'd be fair with refunds.

Cut your losses and consider this a tuition for lessons learned and date someone, when able or willing, who's a decent person. I'm sorry, OP

Original poster

Aliana0 · 20/01/2023 11:57

Thank you all for your gentle and kind support. It has truly made a difference.

OP posts:

MacmillanMO · 20/01/2023 12:08

I’m so sorry, OP. What a dreadful excuse for a man.
I hope you find someone decent next time.

Back2Back2t · 20/01/2023 12:22

Count your losses OP and try to move on. You're very lucky he dumped you. He's disgusting!

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/01/2023 12:26

Dumping you on Christmas day AND while on holiday is the lowest of the low. Even my horrible abusive ex DH probably wouldn't have done that.

I don't think you can get your money back. I seriously doubt he would pay. He sounds really nasty. I'm so sorry you've experienced this but count yourself lucky he showed his true colours when he did and try to have a good time on your holiday in March - without him. Time will heal, believe me,

Beautiful3 · 20/01/2023 13:06

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Honestly he used you and told his family. Be glad you're well rid of him, forget about Xmas. Next time don't spend so much on a partner.

MadeOfSteel · 20/01/2023 13:19

Think of it as a small price to pay for escaping a self-absorbed, uncaring bastard. You deserve so much more.

euff · 20/01/2023 13:20

Given what his sister said you are well rid of the whole family. Did he ask you for his presents back or did you simply return them? In either case I don't think you should ask for yours. Was it usual for you to be spending a lot on him and his family especially given the gap in your means. Is that normal for you with others or are were you trying too hard and he and they were happy taking from you?

I know you said you were going on the holiday alone but is there anyone you could and would want to accompany you? The best thing you can do is hold your head up high at work, be happy, be kind to yourself and go and enjoy your holiday.

honeylulu · 20/01/2023 14:15

Oh dear, no you can't get any money back and he sounds awful. But OP this sounds like barely a relationship anyway. He cheated a number of times and certainly seems to have conveyed to his family that he was only "seeing" you and not in an established relationship.

Hope you don't mind me saying but the splurging on his and the family's gifts and treats sounds like it might have been a desperate attempt to shore up the flagging relationship and get his family to recognise you as the significant other.

He sounds horrible though and you're well rid. Unfaithful, bad tempered, drinks too much, gaslighted you ... ugh!

piedbeauty · 20/01/2023 15:03

You are well rid of him!!

Use it as a learning experience: never put up with a man being unfaithful. Don't spend more than you can afford to lose. Don't be the one spending more in a relationship - if you can't afford to.

Why did you pay for Xmas dinner?

And go on the holiday and take a friend!

Happygone · 20/01/2023 19:07

You should have kept the gift he gave you and sold it.

Isme1908 · 20/01/2023 19:33

Oh no don’t ask for a refund I think this will only add to his narrative about you. It doesn’t seem that he’s had much respect for you at all- so sorry 😞 Keep your dignity and just walk away!

Also agree with pp that you were maybe overcompensating with the gifts because you knew deep down there were issues in the relationship. He’s taken advantage of your feelings for him and your giving nature- you are well rid!

Take a friend and enjoy the holiday :)

twoshedsjackson · 23/06/2023 10:53

Would it make you feel a little less sore if you thought of the money you have spent as buying another holiday - except that this holiday is a lifelong one of freedom from a horrible situation?
I recently paid out to have some physical trash removed (old kitchen fittings) and considered it fair as I cleared the decks for the nice new improved kitchen to come.
In your case the trash is someone who, together with his family, treats you badly, and you are clearing the decks for someone better to come into your life.
There's a lovely holiday already paid for; take a good friend, and start the next chapter by having a whale of a time!
You speak of mutual colleagues, so without too much effort, you can ensure that news of the fantastic time you had with your buddy gets back to him.

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