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Original poster

Does your husband regularly take the piss out of you?

32 replies

Cherriesberries · 20/01/2023 10:08

I separated from exH 6 months ago for a whole host of reasons. I've begun thinking about dating again, but a little nervous about meeting someone like my ex and not realising it until it's too late. This is what happened with exH- he was wonderful until the children came along and I suddenly became his live in nanny and maid whilst he pleased himself.

I was reminded yesterday about something he used to do and it caused an argument between us. I am still in the family home, which is up for sale and I spoke to him about some noises that the washing machine had been making, along with loud noises coming from my radiator upstairs. He is still responsible for the repairs on the house at the moment (an agreement we have) hence me telling him. He proceeded to joke about my noise sensitivity "has your noise sensitivity problem got worse? Hahaha"

I found myself feeling really triggered by it. It was always the way he showed affection, by using this child-like boy-banter with me and I never liked it. I then challenged him and said "this is gaslighting- you're telling me that I'm imagining noises because I'm "too sensitive" before you've even looked at the potential cause. I find this disrespectful."

He went on to tell me how I "escalate everything to an argument." And like I used to when we were together, I started questioning myself. I realise he's an arrogant man child who is incapable of genuine human love and affection, but I've noticed that a few of his friends also poke fun in their wives in a similar way. It's always like they're trying to take the higher ground somehow.

Is it me? Or are a lot of men like this? I'm all for a bit of banter now and then, but I don't see how making out I'm imagining things is particularly funny? I want to know, because if possible, I'll avoid any man like this in the future.

OP posts:
pippinsleftleg · 20/01/2023 10:11

Not me, but my BIL does it to my sister, although a bit nastier than you’ve described. I hate him for it and hope she leaves him one day.

Aprilx · 20/01/2023 10:30

No my husband does not make fun of me. That said, I wouldn’t consider that to be making fun of someone anyway.

Watchkeys · 20/01/2023 11:22

nervous about meeting someone like my ex and not realising it until it's too late

What does this mean? When is it 'too late'?

TootHole · 20/01/2023 12:25

Yes, and I do him, but we are similar in terms of sense of humour. I love doing washing, DH will rib me sometimes if it's raining and ask if I'm sad I can't hang washing out. Things like that. Never abusive or mean IYSWIM.

It sounds like you and your ex are at the opposite ends of the scale. I'd personally not take offence at that, and would deem your response as way over the top, but that's how you are, and I hope you find someone where you're both on the same page.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/01/2023 12:37

Taking the piss can be a form of passive aggression. When my emotionally abusive ex DH used to do it, it was basically a way to be nasty and then say 'it was only a joke, have you no sense of humour?'

If both parties take part and enjoy that sort of humour there's no problem. If it upsets you then you absolutely have a right to say you don't like it. Your feelings, your boundaries.

nevermindtherind · 20/01/2023 12:43

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/01/2023 12:37

Taking the piss can be a form of passive aggression. When my emotionally abusive ex DH used to do it, it was basically a way to be nasty and then say 'it was only a joke, have you no sense of humour?'

If both parties take part and enjoy that sort of humour there's no problem. If it upsets you then you absolutely have a right to say you don't like it. Your feelings, your boundaries.

Sounds like my ex.
Passive aggressive. Still does it now - we share kids! More transparent now.

I think it stems from a deep sense of inadequacy (justified, he is inadequate 😂)

I try to ignore and even laugh it off now and not respond, only because it causes me massive stress if not. He'll never change. My ex is, basically, a massive tw@t.

Midsummernightmare · 20/01/2023 19:45

My ex used to do this a lot….hence he is now my ex. It was happening for years without me realising and then one day I ‘woke up and smelt the coffee’. Personal remarks about my body weight, about my driving, my singing along to the radio, you name it he took the piss. I’ve no idea why I didn’t realise how nasty he was, probably tired out with having 3 young children and just got used to his ‘little jokes’ I suppose. He would also undermine me when dealing with the children, ie rolling his eyes and saying stuff like ‘come on, mummy says it’s time to pack it away’ so always making me out to be ‘bad cop’. I’ve since thought about it and realised that he totally destroyed my self confidence for several years.
Its not you, your ex is a twat like mine!

Songbird54321 · 20/01/2023 19:49

We both take the piss out of each other but it's completely harmless.
I do find it quite common, I work with a lot of men and they love the 'banter'. Nothing mean though, I'd not stand for that. I'd like to think if it bothered me they'd stop

Thesonglastslonger · 20/01/2023 21:47

Yes, he does.

When we were 20 I thought he was so witty.

Now we’re 40 I find it childish, boring and rude.

FictionalCharacter · 20/01/2023 22:59

Mine doesn’t. My ex did. A lot of men like to belittle their wives unfortunately. There’s a difference between good natured, gentle ribbing between partners and unpleasant putdowns and mocking. Some men do the latter, pretending it’s the former.

Original poster
Cherriesberries · 21/01/2023 07:46

TootHole · 20/01/2023 12:25

Yes, and I do him, but we are similar in terms of sense of humour. I love doing washing, DH will rib me sometimes if it's raining and ask if I'm sad I can't hang washing out. Things like that. Never abusive or mean IYSWIM.

It sounds like you and your ex are at the opposite ends of the scale. I'd personally not take offence at that, and would deem your response as way over the top, but that's how you are, and I hope you find someone where you're both on the same page.

I think your example if totally different @TootHole . I can see what your husband says is a bit of tongue in cheek, I'd giggle at that too. Mine enjoys making out I'm too sensitive or imagining things dressed as jokes, which just isn't the same. I perhaps should have explained in my OP that he makes out things are all in my head when it's not a joke too- which then makes it not funny when it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherriesberries · 21/01/2023 07:48

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 20/01/2023 12:37

Taking the piss can be a form of passive aggression. When my emotionally abusive ex DH used to do it, it was basically a way to be nasty and then say 'it was only a joke, have you no sense of humour?'

If both parties take part and enjoy that sort of humour there's no problem. If it upsets you then you absolutely have a right to say you don't like it. Your feelings, your boundaries.

This is exactly how it comes across @Idontknowhatnametochoose . He uses humour in ways to make me look inferior, overly sensitive, irrational. It just comes across as arrogant and egotistical when he does. It's like he hasn't quite got the gage right. I grew up with a hilarious dad who would poke fun now and then, but it was never used to belittle me like it is with exH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherriesberries · 21/01/2023 07:53

This @Midsummernightmare
"Personal remarks about my body weight, about my driving, my singing along to the radio, you name it he took the piss. " He does the same about the way I cook, my driving and what I eat. I'm sorry that yours mocked your body weight. Mine has never done this, but will mock my food choices. If I ever seriously challenged his food choices, he'd tell me how out of order I was and yet, all fine if he did it to me "as a joke." 🤔
Very passive aggressive.
I realised how worn down my self esteem is by it the other day when I found myself crying. He has always found my world and the way I perceive things a big fat joke and I realise that is quite cruel.

OP posts:
catfunk · 21/01/2023 08:10

Yes my ex used to do this too,
It's a controlling tactic people with low self esteem use to keep you in your place.

BlueBooh · 21/01/2023 08:17

It's not humour though if you don't laugh!!

It's not even slightly funny, your example of being sensitive to noises. Isn't amusing at all.

My kids and I tease each other all the time, I sometimes cry with laughter at their teasing.

Your ex is a wanker!

Catspyjamas17 · 21/01/2023 08:22

No he doesn't, not in that way, the OP's ex did as that would really piss me off and he would get the hairdryer treatment from me. We both lightly tease one another light-heartedly but it is in fun, not cruel, demoralising or controlling.

riotlady · 21/01/2023 08:35

Yes, but in a genuinely funny, not mean, way. He’d never joke about my weight for example (even though I am overweight) because he knows that would upset me, but we have a running joke about my massive feet and his tiny hands because neither of us is sensitive about those things and it makes us both laugh.

The comments your husband made aren’t joking or taking the piss, they’re just bullying.

frazzledasarock · 21/01/2023 20:49

Abusive ex used to make fun of me. He was himself incapable of doing or suggesting anything however if I said anything he would make fun of me trying to make me feel stupid and small.

My husband is lovely and would never say or do anything to make fun of me. He might tease me and we’ll both laugh along at it. He wouldn’t deride me or make me feel stupid in front of people.

your ex is an arsehole and you’re well shot of him. You’re not escalating, he’s being abusive. Role your eyes and sigh every time he does it. you expect nothing less from him.

MyMachineAndMe · 21/01/2023 21:00

Dh and I take the piss out of each other all the time but not things that actually mean anything, such as appearances or weight.

Jellybean2023 · 21/01/2023 21:04

Me and my partner make gentle fun of each other which is lighthearted.
The other side of it is an ex who was just horrible, wiping my makeup off after I'd done it, asking me why I hadn't made an effort when I had, saying he preferred blondes or brunettes just not red heads.. the list goes on. Saying I'm not his type etc. Yeah he was a dick.

Krakenes · 21/01/2023 21:16

No, I don’t know any men like this. There is one woman at work like this though, something I’ve never experienced before. Some people are just twats unfortunately.

Nkj8912 · 07/04/2023 15:43

Just a question as I'm unsure weather I'm being petty or how I should feel, last night my oh went out with his work mates a casual night playing pool and darts, he was a bit sceptical about going and said that he couldn't bothered, i stay at home with our kids and his older daughter is staying as its the school holidays, he left at 6pm and said he'd be back around 11pm, come 12 am he's still not back, never recieved a call or txt, I call him his phone is off, he strolls in at 3.30am with his work colleague, his work colleague then caught a taxi from my house, I got up in the morning and left, I figure he can watch the kids hungover as the previous day he was lazing around doing nothing up until he went out, while I cooked, cleaned and looked after the kids, he also did this at his Christmas due, said he'd come back at a certain time, phone off, strolled in completely wrecked around the same time, I have issues with his drinking and really hate how much he tends to drink l8ly, I hate that he says something but does not stick to what he says, most of all I guess that it hurts most that he just doesn't seem to bother to let me know and says thing for the sake of saying them, he just shrugs it off as a night out.
The thing is after the last time he did it, I knew that he was gonna do it again, I honestly can't rely on what he says and it really bothers me. I don't know weather I should just give him a break or if he is taking the piss.

category12 · 07/04/2023 17:48

Banter is only banter when you're both laughing.

If it's all at one person's expense, and they don't find it funny, then it's just bullying.

category12 · 07/04/2023 17:50

Nkj8912 · 07/04/2023 15:43

Just a question as I'm unsure weather I'm being petty or how I should feel, last night my oh went out with his work mates a casual night playing pool and darts, he was a bit sceptical about going and said that he couldn't bothered, i stay at home with our kids and his older daughter is staying as its the school holidays, he left at 6pm and said he'd be back around 11pm, come 12 am he's still not back, never recieved a call or txt, I call him his phone is off, he strolls in at 3.30am with his work colleague, his work colleague then caught a taxi from my house, I got up in the morning and left, I figure he can watch the kids hungover as the previous day he was lazing around doing nothing up until he went out, while I cooked, cleaned and looked after the kids, he also did this at his Christmas due, said he'd come back at a certain time, phone off, strolled in completely wrecked around the same time, I have issues with his drinking and really hate how much he tends to drink l8ly, I hate that he says something but does not stick to what he says, most of all I guess that it hurts most that he just doesn't seem to bother to let me know and says thing for the sake of saying them, he just shrugs it off as a night out.
The thing is after the last time he did it, I knew that he was gonna do it again, I honestly can't rely on what he says and it really bothers me. I don't know weather I should just give him a break or if he is taking the piss.

Oh sorry- you should probably start your own thread otherwise you'll get people answering the original post, not you, like I just did 😀

Nkj8912 · 07/04/2023 18:14

I thought I had lol only realised after but can't delete