DP says relationship is monotonous?

[Darklava09]

DP and I have been together for almost 14 years. 2 children 10 and 1.

before Christmas we wasn’t getting on well. I was snappy and miserable ( really hate Christmas, the run up, family pressures etc)

we had a good talk and smoothed things out. He did make some comments like the last time we went out together it was awkward? I was abit confused as I didn’t think it was as we chatted and that normally.
anyways we agreed to make an effort.

so since then I’ve been more conscious to be less snappy, sending random texts of I love you, booked a meal for us last Sunday and arranged childcare. At the meal he didn’t seem bothered I had to hold his hand etc.

I shared that I was really annoyed with him as I hadn’t heard of him at all over the past few days at work not a text or nothing and he apologised. I asked what’s up and he just said the relationships cold and monotonous. He said there’s no affection there anymore.

so I questioned what he done the past month to change that… as I’ve had no pleasantries, no meal booked for me etc.

his response was… you held my hand in public but don’t in private. I said we have children it’s hard to do that at home at the moment with having a young child and both working. I suggested he doesn’t come to me to show affection or initiate anything.

I said I had booked a meal for us to spend time together and he was like wow you booked a meal but we don’t get any time together. I was like that was the point in booking the meal.

he then said it’s the same everyday we come back from work, look after the baby and then go to bed. I didn’t know what to say to this because it’s true and tbh it’s life??

I said to him that he has no hobbies, not a lot of friends and he doesn’t actively do anything to make his life less of a routine. He could make the effort with friends but he doesn’t, he could go out to the gym but doesn’t. I’m quite social so see friends regularly.

he’s refused to go to counselling together and he doesn’t think he has an issue so I’m stumped what to do.

I feel ever since he’s had a pay rise in September he can afford to leave me and prior to that he was very dependent on me as the main earner because he has seemed to have switched off since then

opinions?

Hmm. It doesn't sound like his view of the last few weeks/months is the same as yours and that's legitimate, he's allowed his view.

Is he happy in this new job/promotion? More stressed? How often are you going out without him? Did he actually want to go for a meal?

It doesn't sound as if he thinks things have been smoothed out as much as you thought. But it's true he's not giving you much to work with! If he won't speak up for himself or make any plans you're a bit stuck.

Does he have ANY friends? Do you have any couples you are friendly with - maybe a quiz night or something more social would start him feeling life could be a bit more cheerful?

Usually it means he's met another woman and has already started something with her or is thinking about it.

Get your financial ducks in a row OP.

I ageee with PP, he’s checked out.

Exactly what I was going to say. Be prepared for much more of this/changing history/ if things go his way with someone or something else.
He's getting ready to get away 'guilt-free'

It sounds like 'time together' means sex to him. He doesn't get it that a bit of effort would be a good start.

I'm as cynical as @Paq , he is laying the groundwork for it to be all your fault when he leaves you. Some time down the line, another woman will magically pop up, but they will have only been seeing each other after you split. 🙄.

@PermanentTemporary So he does like his job. It is more stress and he does work over most days. But he isn’t forced to it is by choice sometimes. he doesn’t speak up at work about workload though so not helping his own stress levels.

he did want to go as he hadn’t been to this particular restaurant in 10 years so he said he was looking forward to it and enjoyed it when he was there!?

he does have a few friends but they are abit flakey so will often suggest a catch up but don’t always follow through. But then he doesn’t always push them for an answer.

so for example I went out Wednesday to the cinema after work and Saturday to a planned night out but was back for 11. Prior to that I hadn’t been out until before Christmas with friends.

we could do quiz nights but if it’s not me arranging it then it won’t happen.

@Paq he’s not having an affair. We work at the same
company and he’s not seeing anyone…. Not to say he may not fancy someone else?? But deffo not meeting up with anyone he never leaves the house!

I have to say I would be pretty hurt if my husband decided to point out that I didn’t have many friends (which is true), when I am trying to talk about our relationship. I am not clear if either of you have any interest in making this work and that is sort of the first question.

@paq
Usually it means he's met another woman and has already started something with her or is thinking about it.

Get your financial ducks in a row OP.

This ^
I'm sorry OP but he is giving you “The Script”
Also -

Read Chumplady
Get a divorce solicitor on standby
Squirrel some money away and don't tell anyone.
Don't take out any joint loans or buy any expensive items.
Keep your powder dry and your eyes & ears open.
I'm sorry x

Another woman is not the only scenario but I'd check his phone....

You need to sit him down and spell out exactly what he stands to lose - his home, his children, his wife and all the benefits of marriage - if he keeps passively whining about being fed up in life. Why does he think the world owes him constant interest and excitement if he does fuck all to make it interesting for himself?

@Aprilx For reference I never pointed out first about friends. I said to him you could go out with friends and he said well I have none. So I said you don’t make an effort with them.

@Allschoolsareartschools Yes I agree there I know this is what it’s down to tbh cause our baby is in our room at the moment due to sleeping issues. But he doesn’t come up to bed early or whatever he just stays downstairs

@Paq I’ve looked on his phone and 2 occasions found him looking at adult material but swears blind it’s not him or it was something he accidentally clicked on.
he deletes his internet history regularly so couldn’t be certain but he’s deffo not on any dating sites, on Facebook messenger or that.

I do agree though he doesn’t do anything to help himself?

‘Accidentally clicked on’ yeah right!

He sounds self- pitying and maybe a bit depressed? Life can be monotonous especially with kids so he needs to be making more of an effort. If not, he’s going to wake up one day and it’ll all be gone because you’ll have got fed up with it.

Agree with other people on this thread. The script is starting with you. It's very similar to what DH did to me last year before walking out on me and our 8 month old twins...

It was exhausting and soul destroying dealing with him like this. He'd built our relationship up to be the root of all problems in his life and whilst I was driving myself mad trying to appease him and find solutions. He was busying himself on escort websites and online dating sites.

Don't be surprised if some big revelation comes next (mine lied about a gambling addiction) or his behaviour worsens so that you end up asking him to leave so that you can become the bad guy in his story even more so.

He's checked out, as other posters have said, get your ducks in a row. It will be hard but you will feel happier in the end without such emotional drain xx

If men want to have an affair they will find a way. I would have swore my ex dh wasn't either as always at home if not working but turns out he was conducting it on work time - even screwing her on work premises 🤢 just be prepared ...

@singleandwingingit there’s deffo a part there I agree with to make me look the bad guy. 100% because his family think the sun shines out his backside and he can do no wrong

I’ve already said to him before Christmas you’re doing this and checking out so in the end I get fed up and leave and then I’m responsible for the break up and you leaving the home etc.

I just don’t know what else to suggest if he doesn’t want counselling

I do think he’s depressed but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves

Is he getting enough sex ?

He probably is depressed, or at least thinks he is, but won't make any steps to improve that.

DH now says that leaving was the biggest mistake of his life and he believes he was suffering a mental health crisis. I could believe that but given how much came out of the woodwork about what he'd been upto for a very long time, and how quickly he was out dating other women after leaving the family home... I believe his sadness now stems from the fact that life away from his "boring" family life hasn't worked out the way he'd expected.

They hate to be seen as the bad guy and will want to paint himself as the victim at any opportunity. He is gaslighting you.

If his family think so highly of him and if he's so unhappy at home perhaps suggest he moves in with them to clear his head. I assure you the weight of trying to look after young children alone will feel much lighter without the weight of his emotional abuse.

What's your sex life like?

That’s quite a big age gap between your first and second child. Was your second child planned?

I am going through something very similar right now. Not married and no kids, but very similar in that he's not excited by the relationship any longer and seems depressed.

I hung around and 2.5 weeks after the initial conversation he ended it abruptly upon waking up, less than 12 hours after sex and less than 36 hours after telling me he still wanted to give it a chance.

It's awful, I won't sugar coat it, but day by day it does get a little easier. Write a list of the bad parts of the relationship down so you're not looking back through rose tinted glasses and pining for what you used to have. I'm sorry you're going through this too.

Would you want to have sec with a sulky, checked-out man-baby like this?

You have a 1 yr old. What does expect? He can initiate what he wants instead of moaning about it.

Mt ex husband said similar to me a few years ago. He wasn't happy, wasn't sure why, I never went out with friends, etc.

I did go out with friends but my close friends all live around the country so I'd prefer to wait until we could all get together rather than random nights out with random people like he did. Plus, he was out so often, SOMEONE had to be home with the kids and we needed some time to actually spend together (or I thought we did).

Anyway, it was all bullsh*t and he was criticising me to make himself feel better about the affair he was having.

A close friend of mine has also just been through similar with her husband op. He said similar things to her, they went for counselling, she worked her backside off to try and save their marriage and then out of the blue he ended it a year later anyway. No one else that anyone is aware of but he'd decided a year ago I think that he was out.

You, op sound like you're trying, texts, meals out, even going out yourself. But if he's not willing to try, or put any effort in, then I'm not sure how it's going to change. It takes both of you to turn this around.

He can't say the relationship is monotonous, then refuse counselling because there's nothing wrong.

Sounds like he's checked out of the relationship.