DP says relationship is monotonous?

[Darklava09]

DP and I have been together for almost 14 years. 2 children 10 and 1.

before Christmas we wasn’t getting on well. I was snappy and miserable ( really hate Christmas, the run up, family pressures etc)

we had a good talk and smoothed things out. He did make some comments like the last time we went out together it was awkward? I was abit confused as I didn’t think it was as we chatted and that normally.
anyways we agreed to make an effort.

so since then I’ve been more conscious to be less snappy, sending random texts of I love you, booked a meal for us last Sunday and arranged childcare. At the meal he didn’t seem bothered I had to hold his hand etc.

I shared that I was really annoyed with him as I hadn’t heard of him at all over the past few days at work not a text or nothing and he apologised. I asked what’s up and he just said the relationships cold and monotonous. He said there’s no affection there anymore.

so I questioned what he done the past month to change that… as I’ve had no pleasantries, no meal booked for me etc.

his response was… you held my hand in public but don’t in private. I said we have children it’s hard to do that at home at the moment with having a young child and both working. I suggested he doesn’t come to me to show affection or initiate anything.

I said I had booked a meal for us to spend time together and he was like wow you booked a meal but we don’t get any time together. I was like that was the point in booking the meal.

he then said it’s the same everyday we come back from work, look after the baby and then go to bed. I didn’t know what to say to this because it’s true and tbh it’s life??

I said to him that he has no hobbies, not a lot of friends and he doesn’t actively do anything to make his life less of a routine. He could make the effort with friends but he doesn’t, he could go out to the gym but doesn’t. I’m quite social so see friends regularly.

he’s refused to go to counselling together and he doesn’t think he has an issue so I’m stumped what to do.

I feel ever since he’s had a pay rise in September he can afford to leave me and prior to that he was very dependent on me as the main earner because he has seemed to have switched off since then

opinions?

Are you married?

I agree with others, sorry. He’s trying to justify checking out.

With op or someone else?

OP isn't responsible for his sexual satisfaction. If he feels he is lacking sex then maybe his behaviour needs to change,

We’re not married no.

the age Gap is big but second baby was planned. First baby wasn’t and we had him young hence the age gap as we waited till we was sorted both housing and financially.

I have said to him I can’t have sex with him if he is always downstairs and doesn’t come up to bed with me. Now before Xmas it was due to “lack of intimacy” now he’s saying it’s not just about sex but it’s lack of affection.

hes saying it’s my anti depressants that’s changed me and that we was fine when I was pregnant. Just seems like he’s blaming everything else apart from him.

he’s moaning about lack of affection but for example he was getting changed the other day I pinched his bum messing around. Before Xmas I wasn’t doing anything like that and I was very switched off but have made a real effort this past 4 weeks to be conscious of what I’m saying and doing.

don’t feel like I can win.

Whatever is happening and whatever might or might not happen, please make sure you are financially free from him if you can.
I believe there is some protection from a legal and financial point of view when married that you don’t have unmarried.
Do you both own a house, or rent?

Honestly. You could welcome your DP home through the door every day on your hands and knees ready to pleasure him and show him affection and it wouldn't make a difference.

I'm sorry you're also on anti depressants, I am too as I struggled post partum.

How I think about it now is "well what affection was he showing ME?!" And the truth is very little unless he thought he would be getting something from it.

The good news is that you are both talking. At least you are airing stuff before you get to an “out of the blue” moment.

There are things in your posts that would put a strain on any relationship. A new baby, your depression, his lack of motivation and his promotion stand out. These are enough for strain on any relationship without leaping to a conclusion of an affair.

The other thing that stands out is that the communication has fallen into the blame trap. Whilst you see it in him, you might be ignoring it in yourself. There was an example at the meal where you accused him of not texting. Lots of people do this. They talk but use “you did or didn’t do …” This puts the other person on the defensive. Basically you are highlighting bad behaviour and not acknowledging or responding to good behaviour.

Additionally the problems you had before Christmas and situation that gave rise to them haven’t been dealt with. They will take time and more than a meal out. It’s hard yards I’m afraid for both of you.

"I do think he’s depressed but you can’t help someone who won’t help themselves"

That's actually not true, you can help if you want to, and he does sound depressed.

You mention a few things you are doing - texting him messages, booking a meal, pinching his bum, but then you have criticised him for not doing the same things back (and also brought up his lack of social life). So these things are obviously important to you in the relationship but perhaps not to him. Keep the conversation going but without the criticism. When he says the relationship is lacking affection, ask him what that is to him, what he would like to see/happen.

It reads a little bit like you've both been feeling down/frustrated, but now you are feeling better you're annoyed that he isn't in the same place yet.

Relationships do become monotonous, especially with a young baby, especially at this time of year! That doesn't mean things can't change.

Sorry OP sounds exactly the behaviour of my Ex when he decided to check out.

Turned out the problem was with monogamy rather than monotony. Shock.

He told you how he felt and you got defensive and threw a bunch of stuff in his face. A month of stuff will not make him feel cherished. It needs to be long term and a proper established pattern before his feelings change.

@BeggyMitchell Sorry OP sounds exactly the behaviour of my Ex when he decided to check out.
Turned out the problem was with monogamy rather than monotony. Shock.

Me too....

Life with a 1 year old is monotonous. That's just life. He doesn't sound particularly dynamic himself. What's he doing to improve his life. He needs to take some responsibility. Ultimately, he is responsible for his own happiness. He doesn't sound like he wants to work on the relationship. He's checked out.

@AnotherSpare yes but I have suggested counselling for him and us and it was no. I suggested seeing the GP that’s a no.
he keeps saying he wants to join the gym… I can’t join and go for him.

when I was suffering I made sure I saw my GP and got the therapy I needed because I didn’t want my actions affecting the home. He should do the same if that’s the way he feels but he needs to start being honest with himself.

&& the things that are important to him is showing affection? spending time together and having sex. All of which I can’t change much of when we don’t get any help really to have the kids and the fact we have a sickly toddler with ailments and allergies.

I booked a meal as he said he wanted some 1-1 time away from the kids.

that’s what I’m saying I’m not sure what else I can do.

I think he fancies someone else. Weird how all this seems to have coincided with him starting a new job. 🤔 Fair enough you work in the same company but is there anyone there you think he might now be working with who he wasn’t before that he might have a thing for?

Yep, exactly what I had from my ex, almost word for word. A week after he finally moved out he was living with an ex girlfriend ( didn’t last). Be aware of everything and don’t assume he isn’t in contact with another woman already. Good luck, don’t fear the unknown, once you get out the other side of the separation you will be much happier I am sure.

I think your view of the last month or so is different to his. It’s great you’re making an effort but maybe he didn’t mean date nights and just more affection in general. I have a baby but once she’s down for the night we do have a mountain of things to get through, but we try to have at least 30 mins of us just catching up on our day and having a cuddle etc.

He sounds unhappy and I don’t mean this in a bad way to you but he’s lonely. I know his feeling well. He just wants some excitement in his life and he doesn’t know where to get it from.
Why not have another chat and see what he’s wanting. It would be great for him to get a hobby to go out and do something for himself. You two could then also find something to do just the two of you.
Its hard with children to get out and about, it’s hard to enjoy a date day/ night when they are there but if you both want the relationship to work then he will also need to try more.

Sadly I don’t think he’s having an affair. He might be laying groundwork to leave but naive as I might be, he might be longing for more but not actually having an affair.

I don’t think he’s having an affair. I do suspect he fancies another woman in his team. I’ve said had this underwhelming feeling now for a few months about it and I’ve said it twice… no doubt you fancy xxx and he’s like oh yeah of course I do. But my guts saying something. I’ve even said the way his face lights up when he was talking to her on teams?

I will speak about getting him a hobby but he says he’s tired after work to do anything.

for me I don’t mind him pointing out flaws about me but I’m of the opinion of he should at least be trying himself. I don’t see how he can criticise me when he’s done absolutely zero.

"I do suspect he fancies another woman in his team. I’ve said had this underwhelming feeling now for a few months about it and I’ve said it twice… no doubt you fancy xxx and he’s like oh yeah of course I do. But my guts saying something. I’ve even said the way his face lights up when he was talking to her on teams?"

In other words, his head is turned, probably wants to shag co-worker.
She is likely not be interested.

And there it is.

👆👆👆

Also, who deletes their internet history regularly? 🤔

You’re not suspicious enough.

My now ex dh added an ex girlfriend on Facebook and went to see her when he went to visit his Mum once a month at the weekend when I was working (we’d moved from London to Norfolk only a few months beforehand for a new life, got married etc). A month or so later he was telling me how boring our life was and then rolled out with “I love you but not in love with you” and boom upped and left never to be seen again.

And he’s trying to manipulate you to make you feel it’s your fault the marriage is failing rather than his.

Hopefully everything will get on track for you but for that your husband need to make an effort as well.

It really does sound like he has checked out unfortunately. If so, it doesn't matter what you say or don't say, do or don't do, to try to improve things, he's decided that he is no longer interested in the relationship.

I'm so sorry.

You could either take the direct approach and ask him if he wants to split up and take it from there, or quietly prepare for the relationship to end by saving money and making arrangements for how you will manage.

Negative comparisons, the hallmark of an affair or someone looking to start an affair. He is telling you he feels his life is boring, and that you are not exciting or affectionate enough. He is comparing you to someone who is.

And it seems it’s this colleague. I would suspect he is staying up late to talk to her.

antidepressants do change a person, so he might be right there ,that it has affected your personality and you are not as bubbly as you where when u were pregnant... BUT YOU NEEDED HELP AND YU GOT IT , nothing to feel guuilty about...people do grow apart, you cannot get him a hobby he has to do that himself, you can'tmake friends for him and you cannot get him help he has to help himself
i ve got a dh that often gets depressed, he sometimes even notices it himself but godforbit to show that in front of a therapist or actually get a diagnosis of depression, he s so so so mad coz of the chronic illness he had he's been diagnosed as anxious too and always makes a big deal out of it..men are not as ok to be actually diagnosed with a mh issue.
My advice, you be you, let him be, he s not happy you show him the door, and you let him be bad guy, try to keep your calm as much as you can, and just see to your things, IT TAKES TWO TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK! you are not responsible for his happiness as he is not responsible for your hapiness, but you both are responsible of not making each others life miserable with abuse(verbal or physical)