Advice not judgement on affair

[Advicenotjudgement]

Looking for advice not judgement. I am in no way condoning what I'm doing. I am having an affair with a man at work, no sex but it's heading that way. Dh is verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abusive, I am making plans to leave but have nowhere to go right now and 3dc.
I never thought I would be someone to do this, I would have judged others for it.
I have fallen for new man, he says he loves me but aware it may be just words. We spend hours messaging and take every opportunity to be alone.
The big but is I know he doesn't really see a future for us, this was ok with me to start but the more I fall for him the harder it is to accept. If he doesn't message I feel so down, then elated when he does. If he seems even a bit off with me at work I worry what I've done, I overthink things anyway so this is normal for me.
I cannot change jobs at the moment and tbh don't want to for foreseeable.
We get on so well and I would be gutted to lose him as a friend even without anything else. I can talk to him about anything and is the only person I've ever told about my home life.
Has anyone been in a similar situation and can tell me what they did? Don't know if I should suggest just being friends again or see what happens as we are?

Because of the stress of your abusive marriage it will be difficult for you to think clearly about the other man, and you are likely to fixate on him and possibly exaggerate your own feelings towards him, because he is the light in the darkness.

If having him helps motivate you to leave your abusive relationship - that's great. But try not to let your affair with him become an additional source of stress and upset. See it for what it is, and stay focused on leaving your abuser - when you are free of him, you may see your affair partner very differently, and just as someone who got you through a difficult time. You will have a whole world of men to choose from then, should you desire another serious relationship.

Good luck.

Get in touch with Women's Aid. They can help you with your exit plan from your marriage.

You're becoming more and more emotionally dependent on him. I think you'll find it really hard if not impossible to just dial this back to friendship, it doesn't sound healthy at all. Your abusive marriage has led you to become quite obsessed with him - perhaps see him as your escape and/or your saviour. That's not good, especially as despite the fact he's said he loves you, he apparently sees no future in the relationship - this suggests what he's actually looking for is a shag.

What you need to do is concentrate on freeing yourself from your abusive marriage and then concentrate on working on yourself. I don't think you are in any way ready for another relationship at the moment and I think in time you'll look back on this emotional affair and wonder what on earth you were thinking.

If your affair isn't sexual and you're already having some issues feeling emotionally stable without contact for him then do not progress it.

There's a huge risk your emotional dependence will increase and this will affect your behaviour at work.

If he's telling you there's no future then he is not going to risk his job or reputation in the event you start behaving erratically. He's telling you he's up for a bit of fun. Until he isn't. Then you'll have to cope with it.

It seems like a nice distraction but the risk to your livelihood, emotional stability and ability to parent seems very high.

If you cannot change jobs, then you need to call this off.

Affairs with colleagues can really wreck your career and work reputation and, depending on your sector, they can be hard to get back.

And you need to be in work and doing as well as you can so that you can afford to support yourself during the separation from your DH.

Put your focus on working out how to leave safely and as soon as possible. You colleague cannot help with this, and carries the risk of wrecking it (work affair gone wrong is very, very messy; DH finding out complicates your exit more than you can possibly imagine, because in the eyes of the world you are the one in the wrong)

Tell office man you are stepping back because you know you need to end your marriage and get back in touch with yourself.

You sound as if your self-esteem has taken a real battering from your unhappy marriage. You think this man is offering something good. He really isn't

I read a that it's quite common for women to seek a lifeboat in the form of another partner when they are ready to jump ship on their marriage, long term partnership.
Maybe just try and see this as a stepping stone between your present and future life.
Be careful you don't see him as your knight in shining armour, happy ever after he's told you he isnt, listen to that because otherwise you will get badly hurt.
I would talk to Women's Aid, they will offer practical help and support for you.
Just know that your more than capable of creating a new way of life for yourself and your children on your own, this guy sounds like he doesn't want the responsibility of commitment, he likes things as they are now, that's it.

I think you are in a really vulnerable place emotionally. Ideally you need to be single for a few years to really build your self esteem and self confidence so you don’t fall for and attract the same type of men as your dh. Been there done that….! If this affair doesn’t work out it will hit you harder than it would if you were in a good place mentally because you’re so low and pinning everything on this man “saving you” emotionally. You need to be your own saviour.

Also something to consider - you don’t want to give your hopefully soon to be ex the satisfaction of making you out to be the bad guy to everyone and your dc if your affair comes out. Keep the moral high ground. It will be better in the long run.

I think you need to separate the two men to make decisions. First decision, do you want to be with DH? Yes or no? If yes then stop all contact with the other man. If no then make plans to leave. Cut contact with other man in the meantime until you are single and in an appropriate place to start dating. Don't let the complicated situation you are in muddy the waters about what you need to do next.

Ime your feelings for him aren't real. He is an escape from your everyday troubled life op... I bet ime if you did really know him he wouldn't be anything like the persona you have given him. Please end it. If your dh finds out suddenly you become The Bad Guy and trust me your relationship with your dc will be in jeopardy when dh will become Mr Fab Guy..

Oh hun, I feel for you. You must desperately need the bit of kindness and affection but if this goes wrong and you get caught, the abusive H will use this over you in court.
You say it's ''headed'' towards sex.

I suggest testing him a little. Tell him you're going to split up from your H.
What is his reaction. Would he be helpful?

The thing is, when you're ground down to zero, no, ten floors below zero and this is what happens in an abusive relationship, then if this man that currently gives you a bit of affection lets you down /lies/misleads you/uses you............... you are going to be devastated x 1000

I agree with this. When I was with my abusive x I used to fantasise about bein gin a relationship with somebody lovely. Usually somebody I'd crossed paths with who'd seem kind and respectful. I projected a whole load of attributes on to them and carried out this fantasy relationship in my head as escapism.

I did leave the abusive x eventually and it's not easy but it's worth it.

Please be very very careful, OP. If an exit affair will help motivate you to exit from an abusive marriage, then it's a good thing whether it comes to anything or not.

But make bloody sure you don't get found out. A man who is violent towards you on occasion is even more likely to be when he considers himself cuckolded.

You are vulnerable and this man may be picking up on that.
You are almost like a beaten puppy that is grateful for the smallest bit of attention and it’s risky.
Please focus on leaving your abusive marriage and not on any man

Thank you all, I appreciate all the advice. I have contacted women's aid but they didn't offer any help and told me to look for local agencies, didn't suggest or recommend any.
I can feel myself becoming obsessed with new man, as pp have said I guess lots of it is a feeling or being wanted, listened to etc that I don't get at home.
My head knows I should end it before it goes too far but struggling with heart🙁

It's limerence darling. Please believe us. Go to youtube and look up Anna Runkle the crappy childhood fairy. She has a couple of videos about limerance and ''magical thinking'' as she calls it.

Can you try women's aid again. You might call back and get a more helpful person.

Ask them who can help you if they can't.

xx

Having been in a similar position, please do not invest too much in a man who doesn't want a future. Right now the fantasy is probably really helping, but you don't even really know him, just little pieces of him.
I would suggest you are maybe fixating around this new man because he is giving you kindness, attention and making you feel special, all things your husband doesn't do. Please just focus on yourself and your children. Bringing another man into it will just complicate matters. You are going to need to heal from your marriage and bringing another element in means you are just heading for more pain. He can't rescue you and honestly, it doesn't sound like he would want to.

I completely agree with this. He is not a nice man (your DH) this is therefore unlikely to be an easy split.
An affair gives him all sorts of ammunition with your families, friends and most importantly, your children.
You will get the blame for breaking up the family.

The only advice I'd offer is stop it now before it gets any further. The emotions you describe feeling when you haven't heard from the other man will only get worse the longer it goes on. I speak from experience, an affair sent me on a rollercoaster journey of emotions I didn't even know I had and changed me as a person completely. People often think the two having the affair are always happy and have no guilt but believe me that's not true, yes I know everyone has a choice and some of us make the wrong one but it will offer you happiness for the short time you manage to meet up and misery until you can see him again. Your family and friends will notice no matter how hard you try to act normal because in a few weeks your whole life will revolve around your affair and you won't think about anything else.

If it was a man writing this, he'd be told to stop reciting the script, lying and justifying looking elsewhere. Not judging merely making an observation.

If your DH is abusive, why would you make matters worse? How do you think he will feel & react when he finds out; because believe me, it always comes out. This doesn't add up & I suspect you are justifying your behaviour. What you are doing is low. You are lying to yourself & to your family. It is wrong irregardless of your Marriage and won’t solve your problems.

Tell DH you want a Divorce. Ring the Police, family & friends for support if it really is needed. AP isn’t going to save the day.

3 DC for Christs sake, take some accountability for yourself. What a mess.

You're an adult responsible for 3 children, reign yourself back in.
He won't be a daddy for your three children, he only likes the idea of shagging a married woman. There is a whole kink community for seducing and bedding taken women like you. He is listening to you vent about your sad home life because he knows women love this shit, it's all part of the seduction. You think a man can hold your hand and be there for you like a knight while you move out and maybe help you financially. Nah love. Men like your loverboy runaway when it gets heavy. Stop the delusions. You're there to work not to make mates or find affair partners.
Stop using this man as a distraction from the realities of your life. You need put your big girl pants on and make some tough decisions.

Your affair does nothing to help you out of your abusive marriage. At best it is a distraction, at worst it is a huge risk to you and your children. Please try and get support from Women's Aid or similar to try and find a way to leave with your children.

Hello, I’ve name changed for this.

Yes, I did this. I was in a very similar marriage and what finally gave me the impetus to leave was that I kissed someone I had been having an emotional affair with. I too was full of thoughts of the other man. I think that it isn’t as simple as limerance. What keeps you with an abuser is a complex trauma bond and a dependancy. It sometimes actually takes someone coming in and occupying the space of that bond to free you. I was /so/ overpowered and fixated on the new man that my bond with my ex broke and I felt free to leave. Obviously the ideal is that we’d leave these situations and slowly learn how not to be codependent, but that is hard and sometimes a messy way out is better than staying.

Fwiw this was quite some time ago and my escape man has turned out to be a lovely, very tentative new boyfriend. He hasn’t asked anything of me at all, but has responded to all my choices/contact. I had a little break from it where I purposely let that bond dissolve— where I severed the codependency to him. It felt like I was breaking my life raft and falling out of love, and becoming alone. But I realised it freed me to actually get to know him calmly this time. I am starting to fall in love with him, I think. If it doesn’t work out I will always consider him a friend who saved my life.

What I’m saying is I understand, and it’s complex. I’m sitting warm with my kids and my ex is gone.

I didn’t tell my ex I’d done it, mind. It just crossed my own moral line and I had to leave. I still haven’t mentioned it. None of his business, he wasn’t even treating me as human.