Have you ever had an addict make amends to you?

[Matilda2013]

Basically just as above. If you did, did you find it helpful or did it just reopen old wounds?

Yes I have. But she felt she had done worse than I thought she had. It could've been quite a valuable experience if I had felt wounded but I think this is always going to be different depending on the people involved. I don't think it can be generalised.

@TidyDancer yes I guess it depends how damaged you were. I still have lingering issues from it because it was my partner so I just don’t know if it’ll make things make more sense or just cause more problems

Do you have anyone you could speak to in real life who might be able to give you some guidance on this? Like a therapist or even just someone reasonably sensible and honest who knows you well? Someone in AA (or similar) shouldn't be approaching you for this type of contact if it's going to cause you harm (that's literally in the rules of amends). But there's a lot of variables here, particularly when you're talking about a former relationship.

Mine was a close friend who I'd known virtually all my life who was in and out of the friendship due to her alcoholism. I do think we both got something from the amends (her more than me as sort of mentioned before) but then we were not a couple and we have an ongoing friendship. So it's quite different to your situation.

The two ex "friends" I had with addiction issues are supposedly in AA but haven't made amends or done that part of the 12 steps. They are as selfish, toxic and shallow as they always were. I no longer have anything to do with either. Some people are just unpleasant. I can understand why they were addicted, they were filling a gaping chasm where their souls should have been. I know this doesn't apply to everyone with addiction problems but it's certainly been my experience. It's made me very wary.

I don’t think I’m ready to speak to the people who know about it just yet. I think I need to think about it without their opinions first. He’s not pushing it especially if I think it’ll be harmful to me but is leaving the door opens I just don’t know if it’s the best way to get closure or not.

I’m glad your friend got good from it though. I know it’s highly recommended and a big step.

@Courgeon this is a part of the issue for me. I know addicts have a sickness but I’m still aware that some of the choices must be theirs. And I feel sometimes the recovering addicts can be very selfish about protecting themselves but not worrying about others. And if this is just going to be a confession that the addiction made him do it all then I’m not really interested.

Also someone needs to make some advice pages for the victim of the addict 😂googled whether I should do this and it’s all aimed at how the addict makes amends and how it effects them! I need more!

I think you should contact Al Anon for support and understanding of being on the end of the amends process.
I can only speak to my own addiction to alcohol and how it impacted on my family.
The hardest two to apologise and make amends to were my son-in-law and daughter. I had certainly behaved very badly and 'secretly' drunk vodka in my bedroom when visiting them. Their baby was only 6 weeks old. They knew of course. So they were due an apology for that, which is what amends basically are. As you quite rightly would say it was my 'decision' to do that. Quite likely I was drinking all the time in my home. This meant the drink was still in my system etc and I was craving the next drink.
My son-in-law cast up to me that I had not been there for my daughter when she was pregnant. I had not expected anything like this to be given as feedback tbh.

I have learned along the way that my best amends are to sustain my sobriety (7 years now( and let my friends and family witness my transformation back into something like the woman I was before. If you are not likely to want to see that happen, then I personally cannot see any merit in hearing their amends.

And if this is just going to be a confession that the addiction made him do it all then I’m not really interested.

I had someone offer amends to me and I found it a nice gesture though ultimately declined (it was financial compensation and I didn’t need it).

However I fully understand your reluctance to engage as another person whose has been told their poor treatment of me was driven by a form of addiction has taken the attitude of “It’s a mental health condition that was triggered by you not behaving the way I wanted you to, so it’s not really my fault and the way I treated you is also sort of your responsibility”. I found that attitude just as distressing as theIr initial behaviour and would have preferred not to have that conversation with them.

Perhaps you can ask the addict to send you an email giving a little detail about what the amends meeting/process involves so you can understand if it’s right for you.

You shouldn't be worrying about your reaction to their amends though, the point is it's not on you. It's their closure, not yours. I get it, I've had amends made to me, I found it most helpful to see it as a kind gesture but separate to my own feelings on the past/their behaviour. If that makes sense?

Yes. I didn’t feel like it was genuine. It felt like they minimized the extent of the problem. Because of a severe power imbalance, I wasn’t in a position to raise the issue.

i honestly don’t think it’s a step that makes much sense. People can do it properly, but they can also use it to get validation from the people they victimized. An addict is fragile and even when victims are on equal footing they may be reticent to say something that will upset the addict.

Yes. Old wounds. And they absolutely minimized the damage they had done, refused to acknowledge the truth of it and thought that they’d be welcomed back simply for their snivelling, pathetic pseudo apology. From what I gather, they have not changed their lifestyle.

Yes I have. As pp said I honestly feel she thought she'd been much worse than she had too.

Personally I found the whole thing absolutely excrutiating and while it was great for her it most certainly was not for me and brought up long forgotten and forgiven things that most certainly did not need to personally be revisited.

I feel pretty strongly that when AA or whoever tells someone to do this they do it thinking only of the person doing the apologising NOT the person who is having everything dragged up that did not need to be.

Having said that, my husband said he wished his dad would accept even a tiny part of blame for things he did in his childhood and would LOVE an apology. Mostly love for him to accept that he did wrong by his kids and make some attempt to make amends, however small. I reckon a lot of people would feel this way. I did not. My husband mostly had a pretty shitty childhood. I did not, was loved and cared for, had great holidays and education, nice home, hardworking parents etc.

I really really hope that you are getting the help you need OP, and that you aren't struggling

@ninjasnap okay that’s the attitude that annoys me. Why do they get to have closure over me? I’m the one who had my life destroyed by choices that weren’t mine. He made the choices.

Annoys me too. My experience of addicts is it's all about them, always. Whether they are using or not. The few I know take selfishness to another level.

@Courgeon exactly this. I contacted him last year because I found out some information and it was causing me problems. But did he answer me? Nope he protected his recovery. I just don’t know if this is the ideal way for me to get it finished or not.

Yup.
Having spent years being a totally shit parent and denying there was any issue, I was told as part of the 12 steps and supposed to accept some half arsed, minimising total bollocks of an "apology" and then play happily families pretending that in actual fact there was more drinking going on than ever.

One phrase that stuck in my mind from something I read years ago was "some questions don't need answers anymore" - and that's helped when thinking about this issue, especially on the whole addiction vs illness aspect. It doesn't matter anymore. The damage was done, I will always live with it, and I wasn't the one who was so drunk I couldn't remember the things I'd said and done. That's given me more closure than having to sit through the amends step.

It sounds like you need to find your own closure before offering any time or even headspace to him. The way you feel and what you can offer is up to you: your choice, your responsibility. You don't owe him anything, so if you're not happy with something (with him or anything else for that matter) don't engage.

Yes, they minimised it all and it made me sad.

All we got was a text, thanking us for calling the ambulance (we didn't, the police did) and endless wittering about him. No apology. What we did get was spit all up our front door and car because we refused to engage with him.
As @Courgeon says, it's all about the addicts, no-one else, I never saw one ounce of remorse.

Yes, it felt very self indulgent and it was clear they had no clue or interest in what I went through because of them.

I have done the 12 step programme and made a number of amends. As I understand it, it is not about apologising and expecting to be forgiven, but about acknowledging the harm done/ caused by the addict and it is intended to allow the other person the opportunity to state how they feel about it. It should not be about wiping the slate clean.

It sounds as though some of the posters on this thread have been on the receiving end of some very selfish 'amends' which is a shame as the 12 step programme, when worked properly, can turn addicts' lives around and enable them to treat others in a more considerate way. However, from my own experience I have met people in AA meetings who profess to have turned their lives around, but still display very selfish (and sometimes abusive) behaviour towards others.

I guess it depends on the individual but my amends were never about making myself feel better. I was also very careful to talk through my plans for making amends with my sponsor (the person who took me through the steps and helped me with my recovery). If my sponsor thought that it would cause harm to me or another person she would advise me not to make those particular amends, or to change my approach when making the amend.

The relevant step is step 9, and it states: make direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others. [The reference to 'such people' is persons we have harmed.]

Could you do this back? Just take on their 'advice' you can't engage with them to protect YOUR recovery from the harm they caused?
And yes agree with those who say many addicts remain self centred, the apology is more about them rather than actually wanting to say sorry and taking blame for their previous actions!

So I’ve told him I’ll have a think about it and let him know. I am curious but also wary about how it will affect me. Thank you for everyone’s input it’s really handy to hear from people both that have had amends given or who have given them. I do believe this time he’s taking recovery seriously but it also doesn’t undo the years where he didn’t.

Someone reached out to me upon coming out of rehab and my heart stopped when I saw their name in my email. If I'm totally honest, the entire (extremely long) email was all about how he has found his saviour in Christ and going on and on about his newfound religion and how god forgives him for everything he did. He didn't actually apologise or take ownership of anything, just rambled on about this. It made me very sad but I also accepted that the person I loved is gone. The addict might be gone too, but he wasn't who he was before it all. He never will be. In all honesty I never replied because I just had nothing to say in response to any of it.