Have you ever had an addict make amends to you?

[Matilda2013]

Basically just as above. If you did, did you find it helpful or did it just reopen old wounds?

@caggie2 yes he has mentioned if I don’t want to do face to face he can do a letter or if I’d rather nothing at all he wishes to make financial amends and i could just send my bank details and be done. Although this is due I am a bit weird about money from others - very much a do it on my own. So I’ve got some thinking to do.

@caggie2

So it was always about him really?

Genuine amends include staying out of your way if that's what you want; 'living amends' which basically means accepting responsibility for the shit things they did and (if you have to have ongoing contact eg because of children ) LIVING in a way which shows they are sorry... My ex husband decided he had to make 'amends' to me about 3 weeks into his recovery. It was meaningless and bollox and I refused to hear it ... more than 10 years later he's still an addict so t was basically totally insincere as well ....

Hi OP, I'm a recovering alcoholic.

Amends is a tricky step if it's done correctly and as a PP mentioned it should never be done if there's risk of further hurt or "collateral damage" (eg dropping someone else in the cacky.)

I've been unable to contact someone I owe an amends to as they went NC with me when I was heavily in addiction and my sponsor agreed with me that to reach out again would cause further pain. I made two amends to an ex partner and an ex friend. The friend accepted my apology and our friendship is being slowly rebuilt. The ex partner did not accept my apology, but he did say that he appreciated me getting in touch, and that it did validate his emotions, which at the time I had really invalidated (he went through a very hard time and I was totally unsympathetic.)

Please be assured that you do not in any way owe him a hearing. Sometimes the hurt caused is simply too much. You saying "I don't want to hear it" is not going to damage his recovery - he'll just have to accept it.

Good luck whatever you decide.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation thank you for your input. I don’t actually have a fear of damaging his recovery this time. He’s two and a half years sober and seems to be doing really well. And sometimes I want that for him and sometimes I want karma. 😂

we have no kids but we do have mutual friends which is slightly difficult as it’s much easier for them to forget what he became than it is for me.

I’ve told him I’ll take some time to decide what works. He’s also keen to give amends to my family which is definitely a sticking by point for me as I don’t really want him to and my mum certainly won’t entertain it. My dad possibly would though.

Just in case anyone ever needs an update. I did the amends. And at first I thought it as beneficial. I got to hear his feelings. He got to realise that he broke me more than he ever knew. Then we had three weeks where there has been a lot of turmoil.

Now I have to go back to him not existing and that’s hard after everything we went through. However, I will benefit financially - although much more slowly than I imagined.

I just hope in the long term this works out as healing for me and gives me the push to move on.

Would I advise it? It totally depends on your feelings towards them. Now I’d say I should have just taken the money.

I had an addict ex apologise. He knew he hurt me. But I wasn’t prepared for how self absorbent he seemed. He still couldn’t be honest and that’s the one thing I really wanted him to be. It was painful and brought up stuff I had forgotten. At the time I thought he didn’t care about me. Turns out he has regret over me and a whole list of other things. I went through a range of emotions. I think now the past was probably best left there.

Yes I’m 100% on board with the past being left there. They can regret what they did but they still did it unfortunately.

Yes. My mum. And it was not enough and will never be enough. I paid so much for her mistakes.