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Original poster

Partner lying

46 replies

Mouscadoo · 19/01/2023 11:40

Last night my partner and I were going through our finances. I am a SAHM since my daughter was born 3 years ago and we also have a 10 month old. Its not a joint account, just one account but I have access to it. I know this isn't the ideal scenario and I do plan on returning work in the next year. I had saved up money before I left work so was able to contribute.

Anyway last night I found out that my partner took out a 7000 loan before our first daughter was born and never told me about it. He said he did it because he was in overdraft at the time and wanted to cover things for the baby and get out of overdraft. He had never told me about this and lied to me about the repayments that were coming out of the account saying that they were going into another savings account. I didnt even question it.

I am feeling very hurt by the fact that he lied to me and kept this from me all this time. He said he was ashamed and I can understand that somewhat but I can't shake the feeling of betrayal. That he could lie so easily to my face. I feel really badly today...not sure what to do. If I'm being unreasonable by being upset about it because at the time technically we weren't sharing finances. What do others think? It's more the lying that bothers me

OP posts:
Devineursula · 19/01/2023 11:41

He spent £7k on “things for the baby”?

Devineursula · 19/01/2023 11:41

How did you find out?

mummymeister · 19/01/2023 11:53

spending £7K on a new baby would be noticeable surely? its not a small amount is it. he is lying I am afraid. he hasnt spent £7K on the new baby and just wanted to pin the spending onto something that you wouldnt object to. ask him specifically what he spent the £7K on in detail. If its not a joint account then its in his name. In a way this is a good thing but the fact that you are living together means you need to consider whether or not you want to be sharing his debts. people who take out loans of this size rarely do it once and this lack of honesty as well would make me want to ask him some serious detailed questions about finances. Most relationships flounder due to money and you need to make him very aware of that.

Original poster
Mouscadoo · 19/01/2023 11:58

We were discussing how to cut back on expenses and I asked him could we cancel the weekly payment of 50 pounds into his other savings account and he came out then and said no he can't because its actually payment for a loan.

He said he used 2k to pay off overdraft and 2k on my engagement ring... and then I don't know what with the rest.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 19/01/2023 12:00

Sell the 2K engagement ring and pay that back.
And if he’s lied about that, what else has he lied about 🤔

Hoppinggreen · 19/01/2023 12:02

He didn’t spend £7k on baby stuff so either his overdraft was huge or he spent it on something else. You need to find out what so you can decide what to do

BigFatLiar · 19/01/2023 12:05

I'd be annoyed. It's a lot of money, I'd want to know how the overdraft came about and 2k on an engagement ring is silly.
You need to have a discussion on being open about finances. Is he someone you can't really rely on regarding money matters?

Devineursula · 19/01/2023 12:05

Mouscadoo · 19/01/2023 11:58

We were discussing how to cut back on expenses and I asked him could we cancel the weekly payment of 50 pounds into his other savings account and he came out then and said no he can't because its actually payment for a loan.

He said he used 2k to pay off overdraft and 2k on my engagement ring... and then I don't know what with the rest.

Ask him?

SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/01/2023 12:06

This needs to be the beginning of a more effective financial set up.

He has made you an unknowing partner in his debt. That's utterly immoral, illegal!

You can't just let this drop. He has to understand that he behaved atrociously and lose his defensiveness about it. Or you'll never be able to trust him again.

I imagine this is festering between you and that is really shit of him.

mummymeister · 19/01/2023 12:11

How did you think he had paid for the engagement ring? did he tell you it was from savings when all the time it was a loan? did the £2K spent repaying debts clear those debts? how did he accrue those and has he accrued more debts since then? what about the missing £3K? where has that gone. You need total financial transparency, all of it out in the open. and you need to sell your ring. no one needs to spend £2k that they dont have on a bit of jewellery.

taxpayer1 · 19/01/2023 12:15

Time you get back to work.

Emmamoo89 · 19/01/2023 12:16

How did you not notice?

Original poster
Mouscadoo · 19/01/2023 12:30

As far as I was aware he had paid off his overdraft and yes he said that he had saved up for the engagement ring. I had no idea. I am obviously very gullible.

At this time I didnt have access to the account. It was only a certain time after my daughter was born that I asked to have access to his account as we had decided I would stay at home.

I noticed that there were weekly payments of 50 being made into a completely different account. He said that this was a separate savings account in a different bank/financial insitution and I just believed him. Then last night I asked him could you cancel that payment, he said no he couldn't and when asked why he came out and confessed about the loan.

OP posts:
Grandmasword · 19/01/2023 13:05

Do you not feel that you are making yourself incredibly vulnerable by not having your own account? That is what I would worry about.

As this is not a joint account, if your partnership was to end you will be locket out of any access to money.

Regarding the £7000 loan, I would worry over that, that is a huge thing to take on and not including you in that decision. One, its would be telling me that my partner does not feel the need to tell me as this is his account, so his money, and any decision like that is non of your business, worst case scenario obviously, or he simply hoped you would never find out. Both hopeless reasons.

I would start by opening up an account. It does not matter if you have no income at the moment, you can do this online in a matter of minutes.

Watchkeys · 19/01/2023 15:02

I am obviously very gullible

Don't go down this route. You trusted someone and they lied. That doesn't make you gullible. It doesn't make you anything. It makes them untrustworthy and disrespectful.

I don't think I'd be able to stay in a relationship with someone who had brazenly lied straight to my face whilst I was carrying their baby. He was more embarrassed about his debt than he was to lie to you. That's not a loving respectful partner. That's a person whose ego is more important to them than honesty.

I'd be rethinking the whole set up, really, and starting with completely separating finances, so that he can't lie about what's happening with money that's actually yours.

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2023 15:10

So he...stole from you? Am I right? Some of your savings have, against your knowledge or choice, being going towards a loading he took out.

...which he also, used to buy your engagement ring.

I'm not surprised that doesn't sit will with you op! He's a liar, a thief and a cheeky cunt fucker all wrapped up into one.

Sorry but, I'd be out the door.
Get your own bank account opened ASAP and start looking into what you'd be entitled to benefit wise if you leave.

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2023 15:11

*loan not loading obviously

Fizzadora · 19/01/2023 15:25

Jesus get a grip OP and all you other mad bloody witches.
It's nothing to do with you because you were not sharing finances and you are not married.
If you are that concerned about it sell your expensive engagement ring, that will probably get you enough to pay off what's left and you should also get your arse back to work and earn your own money if you are that bothered about what he spends his earnings on.
I would struggle to get as worked up as you if my DH had remortgaged the house without telling me.

Watchkeys · 19/01/2023 15:34

@Fizzadora

It's nothing to do with you

He chose to lie to her. Whatever it's about, if someone lies to their partner, it's definitely the partner's business. Not sure what world you operate in, where a person can lie to their partner about anything, as long as the partner isn't legally implicated.

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 18:20

I don’t see the big deal. Sure it’s not ideal but given he wasn’t spending the money on drugs and gambling I don’t think it’s a big red flag. Maybe consider going back to work and pay off the loan early if you’ve only got one income coming in.

AgentJohnson · 19/01/2023 18:36

I would ask for full transparency because I am not buying it. Make sure you get hold of the receipt for the ring (insurance purposes) as well. He’s lied to you and apparently is very good at it, it doesn’t bode well.

MintJulia · 19/01/2023 18:44

'It's nothing to do with you because you were not sharing finances and you are not married.'

Eh? He lied to her. And he's financially inept. I'd say that's fairly important.

jayhoo · 19/01/2023 19:33

£7k three years ago? At about 5%, putting aside £50 pw.

Total loan would be about £8.2k, 'savings' £7.8k. So should be very nearly paid off .

That's what I'd focus my attention on. He's been skimming £50 pw off the household budget needs to prove he's been using it to pay the loan

If it isn't almost paid off or he's got a stupid interest rate I'd be off

TheMatriarchy · 19/01/2023 19:44

The £200 per month is just the interest on a £7k loan. Id be very wary of getting financially entangled any further with someone with such poor acumen. Don't bother trying to sell the ring, they are not worth anything second hand. Id ask to see the loan account including all the statements detailing what was spent and how much has been paid back. If he refuses, then he's no partner.

Watchkeys · 19/01/2023 20:36

Zanatdy · 19/01/2023 18:20

I don’t see the big deal. Sure it’s not ideal but given he wasn’t spending the money on drugs and gambling I don’t think it’s a big red flag. Maybe consider going back to work and pay off the loan early if you’ve only got one income coming in.

You don't think lying about finances is something that might indicate other things about a person? For example, they're dishonest? They don't live within their means? Their ego is more important to them than telling the truth to their partner?

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