Partner lying

[Mouscadoo]

Last night my partner and I were going through our finances. I am a SAHM since my daughter was born 3 years ago and we also have a 10 month old. Its not a joint account, just one account but I have access to it. I know this isn't the ideal scenario and I do plan on returning work in the next year. I had saved up money before I left work so was able to contribute.

Anyway last night I found out that my partner took out a 7000 loan before our first daughter was born and never told me about it. He said he did it because he was in overdraft at the time and wanted to cover things for the baby and get out of overdraft. He had never told me about this and lied to me about the repayments that were coming out of the account saying that they were going into another savings account. I didnt even question it.

I am feeling very hurt by the fact that he lied to me and kept this from me all this time. He said he was ashamed and I can understand that somewhat but I can't shake the feeling of betrayal. That he could lie so easily to my face. I feel really badly today...not sure what to do. If I'm being unreasonable by being upset about it because at the time technically we weren't sharing finances. What do others think? It's more the lying that bothers me

I'd be inclined to think there is far more than he has told you and what you do know is only the tip of the iceberg. There's a large chunk of money completely unaccounted for and I'd be scrutinising that until he comes clean. If he has a gambling problem you need to know about it now. I'd check your own credit file as well before you start finding out other loans have been set up in your name that he 'forgot' to mention.

I would need to know, and have it evidenced, where the outstanding £3k had gone.

The fact that he’s a liar and has kept such a huge thing from you, and is actively seeking to keep you in the dark, almost certainly means there a lot more to this.

Years ago I found out my ex had taken out a£10k loan without telling me. We didn’t shared finances, never married but we’re together 16 years and owned a house together. I only found out about the £10k loan because it affected the remortgaging. Gave him money to help pay it, remortgaged - then five years later when it was time to remortgage I discovered a new £10k loan which also created problems with remortgaging!! I was so upset. Never had an explanation. Realised later his severe problems with alcohol so I think a lot of it was that. But I understand your distress.

I would be upset if DH took out a loan without my knowledge but at same time he never would, because I share financial responsibility with him. It does sound like you have left him to it and have little understanding of your income expenses and general financial position. For example how could you not know that there was suddenly a big cash inflow and how did you not know about the overdraft etc.

If you can get over this, you need to start being more proactive in sharing responsibility for managing finances.

You could ask to look at his credit score. Clear Score offer a free service. I have this and can see the last 5 years of loans, bill paying, overdraft use, debt, credit card use etc etc
It is good that you are looking at finances together. Time to put everything on the table and see where you stand.

I agree it’s a bit naughty, but do not get too overboard. It sounds like he did this with best intentions - bought your engagement ring, paid off overdraft and bought new baby stuff . He hasn’t gambled at the casino. He just got caught up and needed a way out before baby was born- yes he should have told you, but it’s not a betrayal it’s more being stupid.

it’s not a betrayal it’s more being stupid

He lied to OP about something that bothers her. It's the definition of betrayal. What do you think betrayal actually is, @Wibbly1008 ?

He’s repeatedly lied about it though and not told OP until he had to.
Nobody knows what his intentions were or what he has actually sent this money on

Let me guess @Wibbly1008

You are not adverse to bending the truth? To concealing the truth from your partner either directly lying or by omission?

If you have access to the account now can you check old statements? It will show the loan being paid into his account, so you'll know if hes telling you the truth about the amount, and you can then also see what he used it for.

£2k for overdraft, £2k for ring. Theres 3k on babystuff? I think not. I'd be seriously wondering why the need for him to lie to you about it if it was simply for overdraft and baby stuff. And the fact he originally said he'd saved for the ring.

Its a pretty big lie that hes kept to himself over the last 3 years. You have 2 dc together, and you were building a life together at that time - you were pregnant - so I can't fathom how it thought it ok to keep something like that a secret. Especially if for the reasons hes given you. It doesn't add up.

Get your own account and at least get your child benefit paid in to it! You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable. Also, he is not trust worthy - you need to deal with what that knowledge means.

I suspect you only know about the tip of the iceberg. That 7k loan should be nearly paid off now, at £50/wk over 3+ years.

My guess would be cocaine

“Get your own account and at least get your child benefit paid in to it! You are leaving yourself incredibly vulnerable.”

This with absolute bells on. Whatever else you do. All adults need their own bank accounts.

This
Ask to see how much is left, it should be nearly paid off, find out when the last payment date is so that you have something to work towards, as long as he's telling the truth about the amount that he's borrowed, then you'll soon be £50 a week better off.
Did he say he was putting the money in to an account as saving you for as a family? If so, I'd find that hard to deal with, it's a huge lie, not sure how I'd come back from it, I'd need transparency regarding finances going forward,

Good grief, talk about whipping up hysteria with absolutely no proof!

Many people get themselves into financial trouble and feel ashamed to tell their partner or hide it from them because they worry about letting the partner down. It does not mean he doesn’t love you. People are so quick to end relationships over things like this. It really isn’t black and white. Trust me. I’ve been there - on the other side of this.

He might have been embarrassed about his financial situation and trying to resolve it without having to tell you. Not great but I get that it could have been hard for him. It's his bank account by the sounds of things so you both need your own and a household account which would both pay into or a joint account. I'd be inclined to keep it separate. I'd be surprised if £50 a month was paying off a £7k loan. Lots of people find managing money difficult, it doesn't make him a bad person.

Hi sorry for late response, have been up and down for the past few days and not helped by a teething baby and a 3 year old. He has shown me the loan and what is left. He has approx 2k left to pay off. He says he used the remainder 3k on day to day expenses. He definitely did not use it on drugs as he does not do drugs. I think he lies to avoid conflict mainly. He also showed me a previous loan from years before we met that he has paid off.

I do have my own account that I receive my child benefit into and use this for the girls so it's gone in the blink of an eye. What is ironic is only in the past few weeks we had an argument about something (can't remember what it was over) but I recall him saying "you don't trust me" and using it against me and then this is revealed. I told him that it really disturbed me that he could lie so easily to my face and he said "but it wasn't easy it was really hard". He said he did it out of self preservation.

I suppose if I'm being honest I have always had this gut feeling that I couldn't trust everything he says but i put that down to my own bad experiences of being lied to in past experiences. I have asked about cheating and he denies anything.

We are together 8 years. It's really messing with my head to be honest. His family have absolutely awful communication. Passive aggressive to the max so I wonder does it stem from that. But he actually called himself a coward when we discussed this all.

I has definitely affected how I think and feel about him. I actually did not want to physically be around him at all. It sounds extreme but that's how i felt.

Have been looking up jobs in my area and looking into childcare also since this has all happened. I feel very foolish.

I actually did not want to physically be around him at all. It sounds extreme but that's how i felt

It's not extreme. It's simply your natural response. He is lying to avoid conflict, and that's never going to create a healthy relationship. You naturally, instinctively, want a healthy relationship (we all do, including him), so this makes you want to run far, far away. He probably wants to run far away from his unhealthy behaviours, too.

Can you both deal with the 'wishing you could run away' feelings together, or will he not accept that his 'self preservation' is destructive to the bond between you?