DH in a grump, again. My fault?

[IsItMeeee]

Every now and then, DH goes into a grump. He’s in a really grumpy mood for a few days, doesn’t engage, doesn’t chat, drags his feet around, barely does anything around the house. He always insists it’s not me but it’s hard to not take it personally when your husband doesn’t really talk to you.

He’s been in one such mood for the past few days. I don’t think he realises how difficult it is for me, as his response is always “he’s just having a bad day, he’s allowed to feel unhappy”. I fully accept that if you’re having a bad day you can feel sorry for yourself and not really want to do anything but it lasts for days with him. And it makes me feel grumpy because either I’m worrying he’s upset at me and won’t tell me or it just brings my mood down too.

I asked him yesterday whether it’s me and he said no. Today he came in from work and he was still in a grump. Exchanged pleasantries, asked him again if I’ve done something and he said no, it’s really not me. So then I didn’t say much for the rest of the evening. I just didn’t feel like talking when the responses I get are moody and I’m still wondering is it me.

So later on he asks if I’m ok and I tell him im not. He said it’s not me, and I told him it’s hard not to feel that when you won’t engage with me. He then says that he doesn’t want to argue with me but I’m the one who’s not talking to him tonight so if I’m not talking then why would he.

I often feel like he blames me for things so I responded with “so it’s my fault again”. He said again he doesn’t want to argue and left the room.

I just don’t know - did I do the wrong thing in not really wanting to talk to him tonight. What should I do when he’s in these moods? It’s so hard to be living with someone who for several days is just in a foul and grumpy mood.

Sexual frustration?

Something going on at work?

We have a toddler just under 2 - our sex life is much less than it used to be. But it’s hard when I’m exhausted with a child who still wakes up several times in a night and who is still in our room (we live in a one bed - due to move soon). I do know it bothers him though.

He says he’s fed up and feeling the pressure at work, but I don’t know how I’m meant to act when he barely engages with me for several days.

Could be something at work which you may think is minor so he doesn’t want to mention it?
I’d just leave him to get over the funk (& prob pop to a gf house or go food shopping) and leave him to get over it!
If you’ve asked him what the issue is and he says not you - take him at face value! It’s not your issue

Have you tried sitting down with him when he's not in a grump and talking to him about how unhappy his regular low moods are making both you and (clearly) him and that he needs to seek help from a counsellor &/or his GP?

He can't want to live like that and no one would want to live with a grumpy person, so what positive steps is he going to make to change this pattern that he's in?

If he's not prepared to do anything to change this, then you need to think about whether you can spend the rest of your life living this way, because it must be pretty joyless and soul-destroying.

Does he manage to be polite to other people when he’s in a mood? It’s fine to be low occasionally but not fine to not recognise that can be catching! Tell him you need him to be at least respectful to you when he’s feeling like that, ideally to volunteer that he’s not feeling great, that it isn’t your fault and to say that he needs to go stare into space/watch tv for hours/whatever it is. I have a partner who withdraws into himself when low and after a couple of rows he’s following that formula and it’s worked pretty well! He only gets down about once a year though, not sure I could cope with it if more regular.

Tell him calmly when he isn't in a mood or even when he is that you do not wish to make his mood worse or be around him when he is grumpy for days and that going forward you will give him space and be elsewhere because it's draining and boring being around a grown man sulking who won't even talk about it.

Basically take your life in your own hands and stop asking "is it me?" Instead say "want to talk about it?" .....if it's a "no" just calmly remind him, "I'll leave you to it then"

Men hate being ignored.
But he has no right to expect you to sit there being ignored.

There is less point being in a sulk if there is no one around to notice.

What should I do when he’s in these moods

Get on with your life. It's not all about him... is it?

There is a thread running on here about a lady who was married to a sulked. He made everything unpleasant, every holiday or event and would give silent treatment for days. It’s unhealthy and abusive and not good for DC to be around. He needs to cut this behaviour out and you need to stop asking him if it is you. He has made the choice to ignore you - he needs to own his behaviour but this will
destroy your marriage eventually

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3448545-Confronting-DH-about-his-sulking?msgid=84022238

He's a big boy.

He need to use his words.

He knows you're upset about his 'grumpy moods'.

Your conversation was not at all unreasonable, and you were handling it very well. He ran it off the rails with his accusation that you weren't talking to him. That was unfair and aggressive and he needs to apologise.

Is he doing it for attention, do you think?
Is he playing 'guess why I'm grumpy' so your attention is on him and you're left wondering what you've done wrong and trying to fix things?

I would find this trait deeply unattractive.

You need to sit him down and tell him thst while you sympathize with a low mood and of course he has a right to feel down, he doesn't have the right to create the atmosphere in the house that he is creating, and he doesn't have the right to simply not contribute around the house, leaving everything to you. Tell him he does not have the right to leave you feeling upset and bewildered amd worried for him.

Ask him if he behaves like this at work too or is it just his wife's patience and goodwill he's taking for granted.

Tell him it is time he investigated his low mood - if he has no idea what's causing it he needs to be assessed for depression, seasonal affective disorder, dietary deficiencies, etc - and the problem needs to be addressed because he's clearly not functioning well and not happy.

He should go for a medical checkup first and then find himself a therapist. Does his employer offer MH support referrals? This might be the way to bypass long NHS waits.

I would nag him endlessly about this. He can't just wallow in it when it's affecting you and affecting the relationship.

Know the thread but this is a completely different situation. OP's partner isn't sulking because that implies trying to punish ones partner for a real or imagined wrong. This DH is grumpy for external reasons and clearly states so. Yes, he should be a bit more mature about it, make more of an effort to minimize the effect on OP, maybe try hard to solve his underlying issues. He could also be even clearer in his communication. That said, he's being a bit of an arse but not abusive.

doesnt really matter the reasons it’s abusive and unacceptable

He's really fucking selfish. If he's feeling low, he can take himself away so he's not making you and everyone else fed bad too. That's abusive behaviour.

Does he manage to talk nicely to other people? If so, he can talk nicely to you.

Tell him how his mood is affecting you. Make it his problem to sort.

Sulking is deeply unattractive.

My H does this this. I find it very stressful, I will ask what’s the matter and he denies there’s anything wrong but it’s quite obvious something is wrong/has happened.

This has come to a head recently, I’m no longer going to accept this. It is not fair to mope around the house without offering some sort of explanation. Invariably, he will eventually announce what’s wrong in a huge outpouring and then he says he feels better afterwards, while I’m reeling with having an often unexpected issue sprung on me. My old pattern was to rush to sooth and reassure, I could have done that from the start and cut out days of walking on egg shells and trying to come up with reasons in my head because he wouldn’t given me one. I’m annoyed with myself for putting up with this pattern for as long as I have and he has been told I expect honesty in the relationship - I don’t refuse to discuss things that have gone wrong from him and I deserve the truth when I ask a simple question.

I might be projecting my own difficulties here, but I would let the grump pass (if you can) and then when he’s “back to normal” discuss how unfair and stressful the moods are and you deserve to know what’s going on with him. A large part of being in a marriage is to be able to support and be there for each other - how can you do that if one party won’t communicate?

My advice would be, when he's in one of his moods, ignore him.

If he's genuinely feeling down and needs to be with his own thoughts, then it's the kindest thing to do. If he's doing it to control you or upset you or seek attention then it's the most sensible thing to do.

We're all entitled to have 'down' days, and of course for some people, eg those with depression, it can take much longer than that - weeks or months even. But there are ways of being kind to the people around you. For a start, if there could be a clinical reason for his mood, then he should be seeing a GP for your sake and his. He could seek some counselling. At the very least he could approach it first himself...'Really sorry I'm feeling low today. I promise it's nothing you've done. I'm going to take myself off for a bit. Let's plan something nice for the week end' - to reassure you.

One thing is for certain - badgering him and regularly asking 'is it me?' will play in to his lap if he's doing it to be unkind to you. And it won't help if he isn't. Remember - if he says it isn't you, it isn't you (it's a bit self-centred to assume that other people's moods must be related to you). Take yourself away, do things you enjoy, stop focussing on him and his 'grump'.

Sometimes it's a really immature, fuck-up way of being comforted because they don't want to use words. Instead, they will perform a grump or a sulk and hope you will give them attention whilst not caring how it affects you.

If this behaviour is deliberate, he likely won't admit to it. Part of what they find gratifying is having someone painfully guess what they've done wrong. They want someone fawning all over them, appeasing them, asking them questions like 'What' wrong darling? Please tell me'.

Next time he starts sulking, try to disappear. It's difficult with kids, but as soon as you even smell a whiff of this sulking, go to another room, take the kids out with you somewhere and do not let him come with you. Often performative skulkers because they need an audience to do the WOE IS ME act.

He's allowed to feel whatever feelings he wants but his behaviour towards you must be reasonable and not unpleasant. There is a difference.

@mathanxiety

*He's a big boy.

He need to use his words.

He knows you're upset about his 'grumpy moods'.

Your conversation was not at all unreasonable, and you were handling it very well. He ran it off the rails with his accusation that you weren't talking to him. That was unfair and aggressive and he needs to apologise.

Is he doing it for attention, do you think?
Is he playing 'guess why I'm grumpy' so your attention is on him and you're left wondering what you've done wrong and trying to fix things?

I would find this trait deeply unattractive*

The 'Guess why I'm grumpy' game was really corrosive in my relationship. I'm not a fan of the word toxic, but it was a toxic circle where he'd learnt he didn't have to talk or ask for help. He could simply be unpleasant and he would get a mixture of a comfort blanket and entertainer in me because I wanted to appease him, genuinely make him feel better, and not be the subject to an unpleasant atmosphere or behaviour. I realised that the reason why I often found him hard work is because I was actually doing this regular emotional labour. I eventually realised that he has been deliberately doing this to get this kind of attention, very much at my cost, and stopped giving to him what he has come to expect. It was too late though. That and many other things was the end of us.

What stands out for me is that during these moods he doesn't help much etc. It does rather feel like he decides to.check.out - of his relationship, parenting, household responsibilities- and doesn't believe he should be held responsible for that.

So if it was my dh, I would be able to accept that it's not about me, but not that he felt it was OK to treat me this way.

He can feel however he likes
he doesn’t get to behave how he likes

i expect he’s civil to his colleagues and friends - Ask him why does he think you don’t deserve that basic consideration and respect?

he doesn’t get to behave how he likes

He does. But he doesn't get to choose who sticks around.

Sometimes I come in from work completely peopled out. If it's been particularly tough or fraught with assorted internecine warfare going on all around me, I just want quiet and dim lighting and, most of all, to be left to stare mindlesslessly at the TV, play games on my phone or just crash out in a darkened room for a short time. I wasn't necessarily grumpy, I could just be feeling a bit meh/tired/drained/not in the mood for further mental exertion.

For an ex of mine, that was a direct attack on him. I had to be permanently happy and delighted to see him and put every ounce of energy I didn't have into making sure I had no feelings because he'd automatically switch to 'It's me, isn't it? Tell me, I know it's me, you don't love me, do you? You've met somebody else, haven't you?' unless it was the constant 'are you OK? Do you want tea? Are you OK? You've been in there for ages (the toilet) are you alright? Why have you locked the bathroom door? (because I want you to leave me alone and not sit on the toilet seat and talk at me). And when this inevitably pissed me off because I felt hunted, that would then be 'SEE, I knew you were grumpy with me'. I wouldn't have been had he let me be for a few minutes in the first place.

DP understands. It's not him if I'm not being very talkative, I'm just enjoying the quiet and lack of drama because I'm feeling too drained to function.

My dh used to have a tendency to have grumpy days every now and then and I used to feel like op but I got pissed off with it affecting home life and him not pulling his weight when he was like it.

One day he had been like it for a couple of days,I'd asked what was up numerous times but got the same response that he's just fed up tired etc etc and I rightly or not lost my shit

Told him he was dragging the mood in the house down and his kids were avoiding him because of his vibe and whatever the issue was he needed to deal with it cause I'd had enough.

I also told him that quite frankly I was pissed if with doing and taking care of everything while he stepped out of normal responsibilities and that I'm fucked if with feeling like the only adult in the house.

Told him whenever he was going to have a funny me and the kids would not be sitting in it with him and we would be off out on our own and I explained the more it happened the more I resented him for being a knob.

Absolutely nothing wrong with having down times but it's not right to step out and be a dick about it.

He didn't speak to me for the rest of that day but then I didn't make an effort to speak to him either because I was pissed off. I just got on with my day etc and stopped asking if he was alright.

He soon got the message.

I think it happened again once after that and I just called him out on it told him to go upstairs on his own if he was going to behave like it again and reminded him of our conversation previously and it must have clicked.

He still like all of us has down days but the difference is he will say now he's feeling crap and wel have a conversation about it and then hel get on and do his share etc