DH in a grump, again. My fault?

[IsItMeeee]

Every now and then, DH goes into a grump. He’s in a really grumpy mood for a few days, doesn’t engage, doesn’t chat, drags his feet around, barely does anything around the house. He always insists it’s not me but it’s hard to not take it personally when your husband doesn’t really talk to you.

He’s been in one such mood for the past few days. I don’t think he realises how difficult it is for me, as his response is always “he’s just having a bad day, he’s allowed to feel unhappy”. I fully accept that if you’re having a bad day you can feel sorry for yourself and not really want to do anything but it lasts for days with him. And it makes me feel grumpy because either I’m worrying he’s upset at me and won’t tell me or it just brings my mood down too.

I asked him yesterday whether it’s me and he said no. Today he came in from work and he was still in a grump. Exchanged pleasantries, asked him again if I’ve done something and he said no, it’s really not me. So then I didn’t say much for the rest of the evening. I just didn’t feel like talking when the responses I get are moody and I’m still wondering is it me.

So later on he asks if I’m ok and I tell him im not. He said it’s not me, and I told him it’s hard not to feel that when you won’t engage with me. He then says that he doesn’t want to argue with me but I’m the one who’s not talking to him tonight so if I’m not talking then why would he.

I often feel like he blames me for things so I responded with “so it’s my fault again”. He said again he doesn’t want to argue and left the room.

I just don’t know - did I do the wrong thing in not really wanting to talk to him tonight. What should I do when he’s in these moods? It’s so hard to be living with someone who for several days is just in a foul and grumpy mood.

I can understand not wanting to chat, and even seeing most conversation as "too much", but in a really grumpy mood for a few days, doesn’t engage, doesn’t chat, drags his feet around, barely does anything around the house sounds like a big problem if you have a two year old. Does he spend time with her? Give you a break if you've been home with the child all day? Look after her so you can go out, if you're not getting any adult interaction at home?

If he doesn't do this at the very least, then his moods are having a significant material impact too, not "just" on your mood and feelings. I agree with a PP though, you've got to get him to fully talk it through when he's in between funks, and make a plan for what to do. He won't be willing or able to engage while he's mid-grump.

The thing is it’s not just one day where he’s in a grump, it’s several days, sometimes a week. So it’s hard for that mood to not rub off on me when you’re living with someone who only speaks to you to either mumble or answer a question for several days and slumps on the sofa staring at the TV or their phone the whole time.

He is in a mood at work too when he’s likes this, so he definitely treats colleagues the same, though not as bad as me I don’t think. With friends, he just won’t speak to them.

There is some good advice here though, thank you.

Sounds like attention seeking, and you're giving right into it.

Try completely ignoring it next time. And when he returns to normal, don't say a word about it. It's like toddler taming - ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good!