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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

husband exposing lies about me having an “affair”

42 replies

newusuer · 17/01/2023 15:59

So me and husband were having a “break”. However it wasn’t told to me that it was an official “break” he told me he wanted a divorce. He said I make him miserable and he said we will eventually divorce and we are free to move on to other relationships. During this time he dated other women and slept with at least one of them. I was upset seeing him move on so quickly. I called his cousin who is also his best friend for advice. We were discussing about how to get my husband to see sense and come home to his wife and child. His cousin made a move on me and kissed me during the conversation. I pulled away and sent him home.

months later, husband says he doesn’t want to divorce and wants to try again. So I forgave him for leaving me and accepted he went onto seeing other people. I didn’t tell him his cousin kissed me. But once we made up, his cousin came out with it and told my husband. My husband was fuming and left me again. Again months later he said he has forgiven me for this incident and is willing to move on. Everything went back to normal in our marriage.

5 months later husband packed up and left again. He said he can’t forget the incident with his cousin. I was confused as he said he had forgiven this and was willing to move past it. This time he was angrier than ever. He went to my grandparents, cousins, relatives houses and told them about the incident. However he completely twisted it saying it was a full blown affair and we slept together, which didn’t happen, as explained to him by me and his cousin. We have a DC together and he is now saying he doesn’t trust me and that DC might not be his and is going to do a dna test. DS is his. And deep down he knows it. But again I feel that it’s part of his revenge ploy as he is going around to my whole family saying the child may not be his and he is doing a dna test because apparently I am an untrustworthy slut who sleeps around. Baring in mind NONE of the sort happened. His cousin only kissed me which he forgave me for and believed us until months later he blew this up into something huge.

I told him I am depressed and suicidal with how he handled the situation exposing false accusations to my whole family, humiliating me and twisting the story. He said once he does his dna test and confirms whether he is the father (which he is) he would go to the courts for full custody of the child and have dc removed from my care because I am an unfit mother for feeling depressed and suicidal and that I’m attention seeking and I bought this all on myself. He also says he is tempted to post all over social media and tell my neighbours that I had an affair with his cousin, again completely twisting the truth that he had “forgiven” me for.

please give your opinions on my situation whether my husband is handling this correctly or whether I bought this all on myself and deserve this? As far as me and my parents are concerned he is completely out of order exposing false facts to my whole family and he shouldn’t be getting everyone involved like this, especially since it was his choice to continue with the marriage. But my husband is convinced this is all my fault and I deserve this. What do you all think?

OP posts:
Outtasteamandluck · 17/01/2023 16:12

Kissing the cousin is an excuse. He wants out but doesn't have the balls to say. He just wants to blame you.

LongerThanADryJanuary23 · 17/01/2023 16:16

Agree with PP, your D'H' is using the non-event kiss with the cousin as an excuse to leave you. Help him leave by packing his bags.

Flowersintheattic57 · 17/01/2023 16:16

I think your husband is a lying lunatic and you should have no contact with him whatsoever unless it is an email and only about contact with his child.
Book yourself in to see a good divorce lawyer and never ever take him back again.
Get some therapy to work out why you have such low self esteem and strategies to improve it.
Do some assertiveness training online so you can learn to say NO to people.
If family bring it up, a breezy ‘all lies’ and change the subject.
Fire won’t burn without oxygen.

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/01/2023 16:48

Please tell me that you are NC with the cousin, your so-called "friend". The whole family sound deranged. He is kicking out because he wants to leave and doesnt want to be the bad guy. All this talk about him "forgiving" you, did he ever ask your forgiveness for shagging around as soon as he could?

FFS do not take him back again, and he will try I guarantee it. The talk about custody etc is to frighten you into doing what he wants (which is to not make a fuss and be nice and quiet until he decides to come back again), I bet in reality he doesnt do even half of the care for your child let alone be capable to do it all. And a man who keeps dipping in and out of family life when the mood takes him is not going to want to have his wings clipped by being a full time single parent.

If he threatens it again dont engage, dont respond. Dont answer his calls, communicate via text only and keep it factual, not emotional. Only contact him about day to day arrangments for him seeing your child. Grey rock. Never react, dont scream, shout, beg....it will simply reinforce his view of you. Once you remove the stranglehold he has on you then you will soon find that the depression will lift as you will no longer be living with all the uncertainty that you have had in the last year or so. Calm and security will be your freedom.

newusuer · 17/01/2023 17:54

PyongyangKipperbang · 17/01/2023 16:48

Please tell me that you are NC with the cousin, your so-called "friend". The whole family sound deranged. He is kicking out because he wants to leave and doesnt want to be the bad guy. All this talk about him "forgiving" you, did he ever ask your forgiveness for shagging around as soon as he could?

FFS do not take him back again, and he will try I guarantee it. The talk about custody etc is to frighten you into doing what he wants (which is to not make a fuss and be nice and quiet until he decides to come back again), I bet in reality he doesnt do even half of the care for your child let alone be capable to do it all. And a man who keeps dipping in and out of family life when the mood takes him is not going to want to have his wings clipped by being a full time single parent.

If he threatens it again dont engage, dont respond. Dont answer his calls, communicate via text only and keep it factual, not emotional. Only contact him about day to day arrangments for him seeing your child. Grey rock. Never react, dont scream, shout, beg....it will simply reinforce his view of you. Once you remove the stranglehold he has on you then you will soon find that the depression will lift as you will no longer be living with all the uncertainty that you have had in the last year or so. Calm and security will be your freedom.

No contact with the cousin. And no never asked for forgiveness for dating and sleeping around straight away! He actually doesn’t see he did anything wrong whatsoever. He says the women he saw “were not my cousins” so it is not a big deal. Apparently what I did was way worse and he can’t live with it.

and you couldn’t be more right. He barely lifted a finger for dc when living with us and now he has moved into his mothers home he only sees him a couple of times a week so this talk of full custody makes no sense as I know he wouldn’t manage.

thank you for your advice.

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 17/01/2023 18:24

Ignore the custody talk if he genuinely thought you were an unfit mother he wouldn't leave you with the child ffs

Are you actually suicidal though?

newusuer · 17/01/2023 18:31

Theunamedcat · 17/01/2023 18:24

Ignore the custody talk if he genuinely thought you were an unfit mother he wouldn't leave you with the child ffs

Are you actually suicidal though?

I was having suicidal thoughts but I’m on antidepressants now which have made me feel better. I get up and attend to dc needs no matter how I feel. And husband barely sees him so it made no sense. Empty threats I guess

OP posts:
Jimboscott0115 · 17/01/2023 19:58

He's just being a fanny OP, he's in the wrong but isn't man enough to admit it and he's behaving like a ridiculous child.

Given he keeps coming crying back for more, he really is a weak man and hopefully you can move on without him now.

80s · 17/01/2023 20:14

You've sought and taken medical advice about the depression so as to be able to care for your dc. That's evidence that you are a fit mother. Your dh is talking out of his backside to divert attention towards your supposed "faults", instead of his.

Opentooffers · 17/01/2023 22:31

You base too much of your life and level of happiness on another person. If you feel suicidal, there is something wrong with how you view it, nobody should have that kind of power over you. It's obvious that your child is more important than he is so being suicidal over him rather than putting your DC first shows you are not thinking straight.
He basically left you so he could shag others, then came back, probably because they didn't come with a comfy life provided as they were more independent of him than you are.
He knows exactly what he gets up to with others, people like that tell themselves that everyone does it to make themselves feel better, when they really they aren't.
It suits him to make your situation more than it was just so he can feel better about himself.
Overall, you are tying yourself up in knots over a cheating twat. Yes he's clearly an awful specimen, but you have issues as you keep hanging on for someone who clearly isn't worth it. Hope you are getting some therapy.

80s · 18/01/2023 08:27

Feeling suicidal is not something that people can control. It doesn't only happen when someone thinks it is appropriate. It doesn't mean a person is "thinking wrong". It's one way in which a person's body can respond to stress. The OP has had a lot of stress.

pocketvenuss · 18/01/2023 08:41

Why in the flying fuck are you even talking to him. He's insane. He forgave YOU??? He has actual relationships during the split and you are saying he forgave YOU for a single kiss you didn't even instigate? This was one of your early fuck ups. When he said he forgave you, you should have sent him packing. Forgiving you for doing 1/1,000,000th of what he did. He's nuts OP. Don't worry about the custody thing. Tell everyone the truth including his batshit behaviour of having slept around then having the temerity to accuse you of being the bad guy.

newusuer · 18/01/2023 09:48

pocketvenuss · 18/01/2023 08:41

Why in the flying fuck are you even talking to him. He's insane. He forgave YOU??? He has actual relationships during the split and you are saying he forgave YOU for a single kiss you didn't even instigate? This was one of your early fuck ups. When he said he forgave you, you should have sent him packing. Forgiving you for doing 1/1,000,000th of what he did. He's nuts OP. Don't worry about the custody thing. Tell everyone the truth including his batshit behaviour of having slept around then having the temerity to accuse you of being the bad guy.

See that’s the thing he just keeps going around saying he was seeing people but they’re weren’t my cousins so what I did was 100x worse apparently. Plus he has absolutely twisted the story to make it seem more than what it was. It’s such an upsetting and stressful time.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/01/2023 09:51

His behaviour is appalling; make the decision now that you’re over and find a good lawyer to sort out any custody. Speak to him as little as possible; I hope you’re living separately now?

sueelleker · 18/01/2023 10:22

newusuer · 18/01/2023 09:48

See that’s the thing he just keeps going around saying he was seeing people but they’re weren’t my cousins so what I did was 100x worse apparently. Plus he has absolutely twisted the story to make it seem more than what it was. It’s such an upsetting and stressful time.

But it wasn't even your cousin-it was his. And if he's going to pretend that your DC isn't his, he won't have any parental rights, will he?

ManyNameChanges · 18/01/2023 10:23

Whatever the reason is he has decided that becoming a bully towards the mother if his child was the best move forward.
Tbh his behaviour sounds like the one who someone who was abusive in the first place. How was your marriage before all that started? Do you think getting support fir yourself around that could be helpful? I’m thinking contacting women aid/counselling etc…

I think you need to step away from him. Keep contact to a minimum, by email that you will only check once a day if that day. Keep it about your dc and organising contact. Dint engage in anything else. Dint try to make him see sense!! He won’t. Don’t tell him what happens in your life. He has lost that privilege a long time ago.

Blueuggboots · 18/01/2023 10:26

I've not even read it all....why do you keep taking him back?!! Tell him to sling his hook! Take control.

newusuer · 18/01/2023 10:27

Shoxfordian · 18/01/2023 09:51

His behaviour is appalling; make the decision now that you’re over and find a good lawyer to sort out any custody. Speak to him as little as possible; I hope you’re living separately now?

Yes we’re living separate. I stayed in our rented house and he moved into his mothers place

OP posts:
newusuer · 18/01/2023 10:30

ManyNameChanges · 18/01/2023 10:23

Whatever the reason is he has decided that becoming a bully towards the mother if his child was the best move forward.
Tbh his behaviour sounds like the one who someone who was abusive in the first place. How was your marriage before all that started? Do you think getting support fir yourself around that could be helpful? I’m thinking contacting women aid/counselling etc…

I think you need to step away from him. Keep contact to a minimum, by email that you will only check once a day if that day. Keep it about your dc and organising contact. Dint engage in anything else. Dint try to make him see sense!! He won’t. Don’t tell him what happens in your life. He has lost that privilege a long time ago.

Yes he was abusive during the marriage as he would punch things, break furniture, throw things and even sometimes hit me during arguments. I would shut up and put up for dc sake. I probably do need to seek some counselling because I thought it was acceptable to put up with his behaviour for this long until only recently when people have started to inform me that I shouldn’t have to

OP posts:
newusuer · 18/01/2023 10:30

Blueuggboots · 18/01/2023 10:26

I've not even read it all....why do you keep taking him back?!! Tell him to sling his hook! Take control.

It’s the old cliche reason that I love him which is why I keep taking him back

OP posts:
Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 18/01/2023 10:39

Is your H still in contact with his cousin/friend? He can't be that distraught if he is.

He is abusive and a narcissist so his behaviour is all part of that.

I bet he's charming with other people and painting himself as the wronged person.

As much as it's distressing, you can sleep at night knowing the truth.

Grey rock and don't feed the monster.

AssumingDirectControl · 18/01/2023 10:51

You shouldn’t be enduring abuse for the sake of your children - this makes them a victim of domestic abuse too. What your children really need you to do is to stay out of this relationship. Putting them first means getting away from the abuse.

You are getting help for your mental health which is the right thing to do. Don’t tell him anything else about you or your feelings. He will look to use anything he can against you.

Blueuggboots · 18/01/2023 10:57

Well find some self respect!

GrownPersonHere · 18/01/2023 11:06

Chickenvoicesinmyhead · 18/01/2023 10:39

Is your H still in contact with his cousin/friend? He can't be that distraught if he is.

He is abusive and a narcissist so his behaviour is all part of that.

I bet he's charming with other people and painting himself as the wronged person.

As much as it's distressing, you can sleep at night knowing the truth.

Grey rock and don't feed the monster.

Good point. But if he's still talking to his cousin, I'd be seriously side-eyeing them both - could this be a setup? Maybe, maybe not. I wouldn't trust either of them, to be honest. I mean, why would the cousin make a move on you like that and then spill it? Please stay away from both of them, get onto a lawyer, if he wants a DNA test, let him pay for it, protect yourself and your child. Don't take him back!

BatshitBanshee · 18/01/2023 11:14

Find a good solicitor today and organise your divorce. Call his bluff and tap out now. He's dangling this threat above you to keep you in line - so take it away and be done with this marriage because I'm telling you OP he will never do it, he will always threaten you and humiliate you and do fuck all about it. So take away that sense of power he has and do this for your DC and for you. He is violent, abusive and manipulative, no judge would give him full custody ever and no one should put up with this.