husband exposing lies about me having an “affair”

[newusuer]

So me and husband were having a “break”. However it wasn’t told to me that it was an official “break” he told me he wanted a divorce. He said I make him miserable and he said we will eventually divorce and we are free to move on to other relationships. During this time he dated other women and slept with at least one of them. I was upset seeing him move on so quickly. I called his cousin who is also his best friend for advice. We were discussing about how to get my husband to see sense and come home to his wife and child. His cousin made a move on me and kissed me during the conversation. I pulled away and sent him home.

months later, husband says he doesn’t want to divorce and wants to try again. So I forgave him for leaving me and accepted he went onto seeing other people. I didn’t tell him his cousin kissed me. But once we made up, his cousin came out with it and told my husband. My husband was fuming and left me again. Again months later he said he has forgiven me for this incident and is willing to move on. Everything went back to normal in our marriage.

5 months later husband packed up and left again. He said he can’t forget the incident with his cousin. I was confused as he said he had forgiven this and was willing to move past it. This time he was angrier than ever. He went to my grandparents, cousins, relatives houses and told them about the incident. However he completely twisted it saying it was a full blown affair and we slept together, which didn’t happen, as explained to him by me and his cousin. We have a DC together and he is now saying he doesn’t trust me and that DC might not be his and is going to do a dna test. DS is his. And deep down he knows it. But again I feel that it’s part of his revenge ploy as he is going around to my whole family saying the child may not be his and he is doing a dna test because apparently I am an untrustworthy slut who sleeps around. Baring in mind NONE of the sort happened. His cousin only kissed me which he forgave me for and believed us until months later he blew this up into something huge.

I told him I am depressed and suicidal with how he handled the situation exposing false accusations to my whole family, humiliating me and twisting the story. He said once he does his dna test and confirms whether he is the father (which he is) he would go to the courts for full custody of the child and have dc removed from my care because I am an unfit mother for feeling depressed and suicidal and that I’m attention seeking and I bought this all on myself. He also says he is tempted to post all over social media and tell my neighbours that I had an affair with his cousin, again completely twisting the truth that he had “forgiven” me for.

please give your opinions on my situation whether my husband is handling this correctly or whether I bought this all on myself and deserve this? As far as me and my parents are concerned he is completely out of order exposing false facts to my whole family and he shouldn’t be getting everyone involved like this, especially since it was his choice to continue with the marriage. But my husband is convinced this is all my fault and I deserve this. What do you all think?

Him and his cousin don’t talk anymore.. however you couldn’t be more accurate. He paints himself as the saint and that I’m the only one who did wrong.. I take responsibility for my part in this but he holds no accountability on his part. A narcissist I believe he truly is.

Your husband is trash and he left twice already anyway
this is just an excuse to leave again but seem like the victim.

he’s blabbing to a bunch of people that are nothing to you, leave him be.
he was abusive, this is not even your main worry.
you need to get a solicitor, process your divorce and find any evidence you can of his abuse.

Get therapy and outside help if you need it (but not from his family!!) you’re better off without him, as are your children who are growing up in an abusive, violent household,
you love him that’s fine, but love your children more.

Sounds like he wanted to sleep around whilst "on a break", yet couldn't handle the thought that you might move on as you would then be out of his control. Hence him coming back. He doesn't actually want you, but doesn't want you to be happy with anyone else either. You're right, it does sound very narcissistic. Please look up the grey rock technique as it would be best to use that here. Don't communicate with him about anything else other than the children and then only by email. Ignore any questions about anything else, as he has left and your private life is no longer any of his business. His getting everyone else involved and taking sides is real bullying behaviour.

With regard to his threats and the lies he is going round saying about you and the cousin, I found this definition
"In the UK, slander is not a criminal offence. However, slander is a civil wrong (tort). Therefore, a slanderer will be held liable for their actions, and the victim will have the right to take legal action against them and gain compensation for any losses."

When you do as PPs have suggested and get yourself a solicitor, you could ask them to send him a "cease and desist" letter. His behaviour would then be on record. Any violent outbursts or him coming round and being abusive, call the police and get them logged. You really must move on from him for your own sanity and file for divorce.

Good luck

Yes he was abusive during the marriage as he would punch things, break furniture, throw things and even sometimes hit me during arguments. I would shut up and put up for dc sake. I probably do need to seek some counselling because I thought it was acceptable to put up with his behaviour for this long until only recently when people have started to inform me that I shouldn’t have to

Just to add, the bad-mouthing about the kiss is minor compared to the above. Don't let that situation blinker you from the real issue here.

When you have a wobble please re-read your post.

Please be careful and don't think twice about calling the police if he gets violent again.

OP, please look up the Freedom Project, they can help you to understand why you kept taking him back and work on strengthening your inner resolve not to do that anymore.

I suspected he was abusive before you mentioned the physical hitting. His behaviour is abusive, manipulative and nasty. Look up DARVO, he's denying his bad behaviour, abusing you and then turning the blame around onto you. All typical, pathetic behaviour of an abusive person.

OP, Im pretty certain you're brighter than that. It's clearly not about his cousin trying to kiss you is it? Please move and begin divorce proceedings asap!

Does he make you feel good about yourself? A husband and life partner should be your cheerleader not pull you down. You deserve better. You need to take control and call the shots. You don’t need his forgiveness. You can be happy again but only you know if it can be with your husband.

I take responsibility for my part in this
What part? His cousin kissed you, not the other way around. And you immediately sent him packing. Somehow that's far worse (and somehow your own behaviour in a scenario not caused by you) is far worse than him sleeping with other women? It's clearly bollocks designed to keep you on the back foot trying to defend yourself, instead of being able to focus on moving forward and away from this awful man.

His opinion is irrelevant. All he wants is not to take responsibility for ending the marriage. No doubt at the time you were also convinced that you were partially to blame for him physically abusing you. You weren't then and you aren't now.

Sack him off and move on.

Your husband is emotionally abusive. You deserve better. You did nothing wrong

Physically abusive too I see

You need to extract yourself from this situation. There was nothing for him to forgive of you - you are the victim and have been abused on many levels. If he is writing stuff about you on social media that is untrue that is defamation, and he is clearly slandering you. You have plenty of reasons to report him to police = coersive control, phyisical and mental abuse, blackmail, threats. Please go to police, complain and have it on record. Having them visit him might make him pause his behaviour. He is disgusting.
Do not take him back under any circumstances - protect your DC from this, as well as yourself. Ring Women's Aid and do the Freedom programme. You deserve and can have a far better life, without him.

All of this OP.sound advice

'It's the old cliche I love him' Honey,you need to learn to love YOURSELF and run far and fast away from that cretin

OP, this whole kissing the cousin scenario is a red herring - the more pressing issue here is that he is physically abusive. That's what you need to focus on, and that's what you need to protect yourself and your children from. It is no good for a child to watch their mother being abused, please trust me.

You are better than him. You and your children deserve so much more. I wish I were more knowledgeable to give specific advice, but all I can say is I think it's essential that you see a solicitor and get in contact with some domestic abuse charities asap.

@newusuer so he is an abusive prick who is carrying in abusing you now that youve separated.
You said you felt you had to put up with his behaviour. You’ve also repeatedly said you are owning your part if responsibility into the situation.

Lets be clear here

• he is THE ONLY ONE responsible for the abuse, whether it’s when you were together or now. He us controlling, has been physically abusing you, aka physical assault. That’s all on him and there is NOTHING you have done that made it worse or somehow also makes you responsible.
• you need support fir yourself. I would strongly recommend you contact Women Aid. Leaving an abusive marriage is particularly hard. You need to protect yourself, your dc. You need legal support adapted to that situation. You need support fir yourself to REALLY see it’s all on him and he has all the responsibility here. Also to properly detangle yourself from him.

He sounds absolutely crazy. You should have never taken him back the first time he left. He is controlling, manipulative, and just out of control. Avoid him. Avoid the cousin. Whatever you do, never ever go back there.

Thank you for all your advice. I’m doing the grey rock method only to arrange visits for dc.