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Original poster

DP work or lack of

46 replies

sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 15:21

Sorry this may be long but I'll try my best to be brief.
I have a DP of over 2 years, we met during covid, he was on furlough but had a grant due to being self employed so money wasn't really an issue.
He ended up moving in with me as I own my home and he was here 4-5 nights a week anyway so it seemed to make sense.
As soon as restrictions ended he got a new FT job and contributed to all household expenses. All this was fine until around a year ago when he lost his job. Since then he has had a couple of months of work then the odd couple of weeks but otherwise nothing.
He does do all the cooking (this was shared when we both worked)
Other household chores are shared but I feel resentful that I'm here working from home and he's floating about all morning then going to visit his friend all afternoon.
I know what advice I'd give a friend or someone on here but I love him so am really torn.
Maybe I just need to vent!
P.s. waiting for the first cocklodger comment 😂

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 17/01/2023 15:22

Oh I bet it made sense for him to move it, perfect sense to him.
so does he contribute financially then?

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 15:37

A minimal amount is contributed, he doesn't actually spend loads himself but if not working, the money is less than £100 a week so he usually gives me the majority. I have said several times he should have a think about if I just decided to down tools but I won't and never will.

OP posts:
CalistoNoSolo · 17/01/2023 15:55

I couldn't tolerate this but he wouldn't be living with me anyway. I really dont understand the whole 'lockdown must live together' thing. Personally I would give him a couple of weeks notice and reassess the relationship. I do hope no children are involved.

Hoppinggreen · 17/01/2023 15:57

sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 15:37

A minimal amount is contributed, he doesn't actually spend loads himself but if not working, the money is less than £100 a week so he usually gives me the majority. I have said several times he should have a think about if I just decided to down tools but I won't and never will.

So you fund a lot of his living expenses?
Why?

Eastereggsboxedupready · 17/01/2023 16:02

Give him til 1st Feb to get a proper job or fuck off.

Bananalanacake · 17/01/2023 16:05

He's not a complete cocklodger as he is contributing money each month, but I wouldn't be attracted to a man with so little ambition. I also refuse to live with a man until we've been together a good 5 years, but then everyone is different.

LemonTT · 17/01/2023 16:16

Given the huge number of job vacancies it’s never been easier to get a job, in my lifetime anyway. Employers would hire a plank if it had some twigs attached to act as an extra pair of hands. That’s the benchmark.

I also don’t get how you can meet someone during covid lockdowns and form a relationship strong enough to decide to live together. That’s why you are only just finding things out about him now.

Anyway he has no incentive to get a job and presumably got used to loafing about during furlough.

Chewbecca · 17/01/2023 16:19

It depends if he is actively seeking work or not for me.

ManyNameChanges · 17/01/2023 16:22

Why is it that he is struggling to find another job?

Does he want something in a very niche area?
Not keen on a MW wage job?
Actually he is depressed/anxious/fatigued? (Prob clutching at straws if he is out with friends every afternoon)
Just enjoying how easy it is to not have to work?

My answer to him would depend on his take there.

Oblomov22 · 17/01/2023 16:24

You know what to do. But won't have the conversation with him. Why?

Lcb123 · 17/01/2023 16:26

It really depends why he’s struggling to get work - if it’s very niche? But there are so many jobs available at the moment. I’d give him an ultimatum

DanseAvecLesLoups · 17/01/2023 16:33

Sounds like he is too proud to take on lower paid temporary work while looking for a longer term job. I would also be worried about some large gaps in the CV developing. Maybe, just maybe if he spent his mornings actively job hunting and the afternoon refurbing the house and other chores I would be a bit more forgiving but if he is just mooching about at his mates I would be fucked off too. Time for a chat and make it clear things need to change.

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:37

LemonTT · 17/01/2023 16:16

Given the huge number of job vacancies it’s never been easier to get a job, in my lifetime anyway. Employers would hire a plank if it had some twigs attached to act as an extra pair of hands. That’s the benchmark.

I also don’t get how you can meet someone during covid lockdowns and form a relationship strong enough to decide to live together. That’s why you are only just finding things out about him now.

Anyway he has no incentive to get a job and presumably got used to loafing about during furlough.

He's had a few jobs but they haven't lasted. I find it difficult to relate as have worked for the same company for over 10 years and worked my way up so agency working etc. is a bit alien to me. I have an understanding but don't know all the ins and outs.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:39

ManyNameChanges · 17/01/2023 16:22

Why is it that he is struggling to find another job?

Does he want something in a very niche area?
Not keen on a MW wage job?
Actually he is depressed/anxious/fatigued? (Prob clutching at straws if he is out with friends every afternoon)
Just enjoying how easy it is to not have to work?

My answer to him would depend on his take there.

I feel his friends are the main issue, his best friend is unable to work and so everyday is a Saturday if that makes sense. No excuses at all but a little explanation.

OP posts:
pastypirate · 17/01/2023 16:40

Eastereggsboxedupready · 17/01/2023 16:02

Give him til 1st Feb to get a proper job or fuck off.

This

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:40

Oblomov22 · 17/01/2023 16:24

You know what to do. But won't have the conversation with him. Why?

I have, last time I have the conversation was 4 hours ago. It's just not having the effect I'd like. My DF has offered to come round if I have trouble asking him to go.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:41

Lcb123 · 17/01/2023 16:26

It really depends why he’s struggling to get work - if it’s very niche? But there are so many jobs available at the moment. I’d give him an ultimatum

No, not niche at all. He does have some MH issues but they haven't prevented work in the past.

OP posts:
Eastereggsboxedupready · 17/01/2023 16:42

Change the WiFi password. He doesn't pay half the bills..

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:45

DanseAvecLesLoups · 17/01/2023 16:33

Sounds like he is too proud to take on lower paid temporary work while looking for a longer term job. I would also be worried about some large gaps in the CV developing. Maybe, just maybe if he spent his mornings actively job hunting and the afternoon refurbing the house and other chores I would be a bit more forgiving but if he is just mooching about at his mates I would be fucked off too. Time for a chat and make it clear things need to change.

I think you've hit the nail on the head with the being too proud bit. Pride is a great trait but it shouldn't overshadow things to the extent it is doing. I do know as PP have commented that I need to give an ultimatum as I'm not rich enough to be keeping someone just because they make the breakfast!

OP posts:
JJ8765 · 17/01/2023 16:46

My exH wouldn’t take on work he considered beneath him either. A year is long enough. My other question would be if he was always in FT work before covid or has had periods of unemployment or under employment before. My exH now has a new partner and I’m sure she is getting the narrative his inability to work or earn FT was due to covid and all bad luck / beyond his control when in fact he has a 20 year history of quitting jobs and living off others (me basically) and it’s a pattern of behaviour. And yes I questioned depression etc looking for any excuse that he wasn’t just lazy, selfish and taking the piss. Do not marry him even if he gets a job.

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:48

CalistoNoSolo · 17/01/2023 15:55

I couldn't tolerate this but he wouldn't be living with me anyway. I really dont understand the whole 'lockdown must live together' thing. Personally I would give him a couple of weeks notice and reassess the relationship. I do hope no children are involved.

Sorry, didn't mean to miss this. No children are involved and no chance of any future ones. We both have DC but older and not living here.

OP posts:
Wiglio · 17/01/2023 16:49

So he’s too proud to take on lower paid work but not too proud to live off OP?

NeverDropYourMooncup · 17/01/2023 16:52

sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:41

No, not niche at all. He does have some MH issues but they haven't prevented work in the past.

Show quote history

..because he didn't have a woman to live off at point, by any chance?

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 16:54

Bananalanacake · 17/01/2023 16:05

He's not a complete cocklodger as he is contributing money each month, but I wouldn't be attracted to a man with so little ambition. I also refuse to live with a man until we've been together a good 5 years, but then everyone is different.

Thanks, I obviously don't think he's all bad or I wouldn't be in this situation. The ambition is something that I struggle with also as I'm very much from a family that works for what they have.

OP posts:
Remona · 17/01/2023 16:59

Is he actively looking for a job? I know it’s soul destroying when you send off application after application and get nowhere.

However, you mentioned him floating around all morning and with his friend all afternoon. That doesn’t sound like a lot of job hunting is going on.

As things stand, there seems to be no incentive for him to work. He can swan about all day and do as he pleases in the knowledge that he has a roof over his head, food on the table and bills paid.

I think he needs a bit of a kick up the arse OP. You need to be putting some boundaries in place here else he’s going to get too comfortable just swanning about all day.