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Original poster

DP work or lack of

46 replies

sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 15:21

Sorry this may be long but I'll try my best to be brief.
I have a DP of over 2 years, we met during covid, he was on furlough but had a grant due to being self employed so money wasn't really an issue.
He ended up moving in with me as I own my home and he was here 4-5 nights a week anyway so it seemed to make sense.
As soon as restrictions ended he got a new FT job and contributed to all household expenses. All this was fine until around a year ago when he lost his job. Since then he has had a couple of months of work then the odd couple of weeks but otherwise nothing.
He does do all the cooking (this was shared when we both worked)
Other household chores are shared but I feel resentful that I'm here working from home and he's floating about all morning then going to visit his friend all afternoon.
I know what advice I'd give a friend or someone on here but I love him so am really torn.
Maybe I just need to vent!
P.s. waiting for the first cocklodger comment 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 17:47

Wiglio · 17/01/2023 16:49

So he’s too proud to take on lower paid work but not too proud to live off OP?

Well I've got to the stage of thinking this which is why I've posted.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 17:48

Remona · 17/01/2023 16:59

Is he actively looking for a job? I know it’s soul destroying when you send off application after application and get nowhere.

However, you mentioned him floating around all morning and with his friend all afternoon. That doesn’t sound like a lot of job hunting is going on.

As things stand, there seems to be no incentive for him to work. He can swan about all day and do as he pleases in the knowledge that he has a roof over his head, food on the table and bills paid.

I think he needs a bit of a kick up the arse OP. You need to be putting some boundaries in place here else he’s going to get too comfortable just swanning about all day.

He's looking but too comfy in the current situation so I need to be more assertive. I'm very assertive at work but tend to be too soft in personal situations (not only with DP but family etc.) definitely need to work on that.

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 17/01/2023 17:59

If he was SE, how did he lose his job? Did it just collapse due to Covid?

In absolute fairness, I used to know someone who’s business failed and she found it v difficult to get another as lots wanted references which she obviously couldn’t supply. Online applications wouldn’t let her complete the forms without certain information that she wasn’t able to supply.

Upsidedownagain · 17/01/2023 18:04

I couldn't stand to be with someone who didn't work at all. Jobs are very easy to come by at the moment - he could do part time if he wanted to. Lots of people are snooty about having a 'proper' job or one that requires their qualifications, but as far as I'm concerned, any work (well, most!) is valid, contributes to society and gives you some self respect as well as an income. You do need to be assertive!

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 18:14

SecretVictoria · 17/01/2023 17:59

If he was SE, how did he lose his job? Did it just collapse due to Covid?

In absolute fairness, I used to know someone who’s business failed and she found it v difficult to get another as lots wanted references which she obviously couldn’t supply. Online applications wouldn’t let her complete the forms without certain information that she wasn’t able to supply.

His work involved visiting people's homes so it wasn't feasible to continue with all the regulations etc. I'm not disputing that as I appreciate it was difficult. He has lots of past experience with other jobs in a similar field, one firm which he worked for after restrictions lifted and they are more than willing to provide very good references. It's just really the last 6-9 months that it's got to a stage where I'm questioning everything as it's a few weeks here then nothing then a fortnight at the next place and there's always a different reason he's not going back. As mentioned upthread I have very little knowledge of how temp/agency work goes because I've been lucky enough to have the same employer for so long.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadsituation23 · 17/01/2023 18:16

Upsidedownagain · 17/01/2023 18:04

I couldn't stand to be with someone who didn't work at all. Jobs are very easy to come by at the moment - he could do part time if he wanted to. Lots of people are snooty about having a 'proper' job or one that requires their qualifications, but as far as I'm concerned, any work (well, most!) is valid, contributes to society and gives you some self respect as well as an income. You do need to be assertive!

I agree and I definitely do need to be more assertive! As mentioned previously I'm great at doing that at work but struggle in my personal life. I'm working on it but just need to get there sooner.

OP posts:
Grandmasword · 17/01/2023 18:37

Well you're quite reliable and a catch. Own house, same job for over 10 years. This is like winning the lottery for a man that talks the talk but constantly gets lost doing the walk. This setup works for him and he is most likely prepared for the day you say enough as he will crash at his friend's. If the shoe was on the oyher foot, what would you imagine he would as of you?

He knows what he is doing

Breakingpoint1961 · 17/01/2023 19:23

Are you financially worse off with him being there OP? Is his contribution less than it should be? If it is costing you money having him living there, I would become very resentful, I'd then start to find him less attractive. I find a man with a poor work ethic very unattractive indeed.

You've asked a question clearly because you're not comfortable with the situation. He is VERY comfortable with the situation! Unfortunately, the rose tinted glasses are preventing you from confronting him, so maybe you need to have a chat with him without the emotion, be pragmatic about it.

He'll do nothing if you don't OP, that's for sure..

Saintasaurus · 18/01/2023 10:33

Grandmasword · 17/01/2023 18:37

Well you're quite reliable and a catch. Own house, same job for over 10 years. This is like winning the lottery for a man that talks the talk but constantly gets lost doing the walk. This setup works for him and he is most likely prepared for the day you say enough as he will crash at his friend's. If the shoe was on the oyher foot, what would you imagine he would as of you?

He knows what he is doing

Spot on.

Rainbowqueeen · 18/01/2023 10:37

Give him a deadline to get a job or move out.

It doesn’t sound like he is trying very hard

I’d expect him to do all the housework, gardening etc.

ghjklo · 18/01/2023 10:42

I agree with PP saying a deadline.
Then again you have to think of the bigger picture - if he is happy to have strung you along, using you all this time, is he really someone you want in your life anyway? he has already proved himself unreliable, uncommitted to supporting you, unmotivated. Do you really want to stay with him? Sounds like a character trait rather than a temporary "can't find a job" issue. if he's willing to treat you like that already without questioning it, what kind of person is he really??? I would be thinking of leaving him as is, he's already shown you who he is. As the saying goes "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time". This could be a pattern in future even if he gets another job / loses it again etc.

Pearlygates · 18/01/2023 11:02

If someone had rent, electric, gas, wifi, etc to pay every month, they'd be bending over backwards to look for work. £100 doesn't even make a dent does it?

He's not interested in working OP. The sooner you realize that and throw him out the sooner you will meet a another man hopefully with ambitions this time!

PilatesPeach · 18/01/2023 11:24

I could not be with someone like this - he seems to have no drive or backbone and no pride for so long - I certainly would not find them sexually attractive either - there are lots of jobs even if people have to do something they don't love for a while - if it were me in that position, I would do anything to have a structure to my days and to be able to pay my way.

GerbilsForever24 · 18/01/2023 11:27

Oh OP. He might be paying some small amount and doing the cooking, but he's' still a cocklodger. He's quite happy for yo to work, take on all the mental load, pay all he bills while he swans around having a grand old time with his mates. And frankly, if he was self employed going into people's homes, there is NO reason he can't be doing that again as restrictions are completely gone so that's a piss poor excuse. He just doesn't want to. he's got his minimal income - from UC or savings? - and he's got you to do all the heavy lifting and provide a lovely home.

I am so so so so so so so so sos so so sick of these men. DH was a SAHD and now works part time and earns a FRACTION of what I do. For YEARS, BiL would point to Dh and tell SIL that why does she have an issue with him and not her brother. You know why? because Dh works part time so that we have 0 childcare costs, they get to do ALL the activities and go to ALL the things becuase he's around to drive them, he does loads of the chores and household admin so that I don't have to and he has never, not once, in 12 years complained if I have to work late or early or whatever and as a result he has to pick up more slack. He is a 50% partner, even if the bulk of his contribution is not financial.

Tell him he sorts himself or he leaves. Never mind anything else, how unattractive is it to be with a man who basically is acting like a teenager.

billy1966 · 18/01/2023 11:35

Saintasaurus · 18/01/2023 10:33

Spot on.

Show quote history

This.

Of course it made sense for him to move in.........it always does🙄.

He has a fool made out of you and boy did he see you coming.

You'll be his retirement plan, nurse with a purse, etc.

You are very very foolish to allow this to continue.🤷🏻‍♀️

Puffin87 · 18/01/2023 12:55

The friend he visits daily also being a bum is the clincher. This is a lifestyle choice.

Do you want to fund it?

SimonSmithuk · 18/01/2023 16:28

He will be playing Xbox or playstation at his friends. I'd bet any money

Original poster
sadsituation23 · 06/02/2023 15:11

GerbilsForever24 · 18/01/2023 11:27

Oh OP. He might be paying some small amount and doing the cooking, but he's' still a cocklodger. He's quite happy for yo to work, take on all the mental load, pay all he bills while he swans around having a grand old time with his mates. And frankly, if he was self employed going into people's homes, there is NO reason he can't be doing that again as restrictions are completely gone so that's a piss poor excuse. He just doesn't want to. he's got his minimal income - from UC or savings? - and he's got you to do all the heavy lifting and provide a lovely home.

I am so so so so so so so so sos so so sick of these men. DH was a SAHD and now works part time and earns a FRACTION of what I do. For YEARS, BiL would point to Dh and tell SIL that why does she have an issue with him and not her brother. You know why? because Dh works part time so that we have 0 childcare costs, they get to do ALL the activities and go to ALL the things becuase he's around to drive them, he does loads of the chores and household admin so that I don't have to and he has never, not once, in 12 years complained if I have to work late or early or whatever and as a result he has to pick up more slack. He is a 50% partner, even if the bulk of his contribution is not financial.

Tell him he sorts himself or he leaves. Never mind anything else, how unattractive is it to be with a man who basically is acting like a teenager.

Sorry for the delay, just wanted to say that your DH sounds fab and hope you're all well

OP posts:
GerbilsForever24 · 06/02/2023 15:14

He is fab, it's true! Grin

Have you managed to tell yours that he needs to step up and DO more?

CatherineParr · 26/08/2023 22:46

@sadsituation23 how are things going op?

billy1966 · 26/08/2023 22:59

Amazing how these lazy losers always find a solvent woman with a house and it somehow always "makes sense to move in"🙄

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