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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Don't know how to handle this

33 replies

TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 15:08

I've known this man for many years through our running club. We've always had a laugh.
Last year he messaged me, and was clear he was interested in a little more.
I was very clear in my response; that I was not looking for romance from him or anyone, but would be happy to meet.
He was happy to do this and we have since met at the pub, been to a few things together and chatted a lot. I like him as a person, but now not only am I not interested in any romance, I am less keen to meet because as I've got to know him, I feel it's not a friendship I want to strengthen.
I do have male friends, but this felt different as he clearly wants more from me.
I don't think I have led him on in any way as I was clear from the start.

I don't want to hurt him, but I do want to ease off, not that he has put any pressure on me at all - he's lovely and kind.

I have a message from him asking if I'd like to meet soon, and I don't know what to say.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 16/01/2023 15:44

If you want to ease off, ease off. Tell him you've got too much going on at the moment to meet up (you have, certainly in your head if not otherwise, so it's not a lie), and you'll see him later in the month/season/year/decade (whichever spaces things out and gives you more time.

Later in the 'whatever', see how you feel then. Put him off then, again, if you like. You don't need to make a firm decision now about your whole future with this friendship. Same as with anyone else, if you don't feel like seeing him, don't see him. You're under no obligation.

LookItsMeAgain · 16/01/2023 16:50

I'd keep it light and airy and say that it's a new year, you're very busy at the moment and you can't commit to meeting up at the moment.
If you still go running through the club, you could say that you might see him at the next running/training session but that's all you can do for the time being.

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 16:56

Will you still see him regularly at running club?

ednatheevilwitch · 16/01/2023 17:05

I hope it's not the sex pest that I know who's in a running club.....

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 16/01/2023 17:11

Maybe be vague and say you've got a lot going on in your life, family etc, so you've had to cut down on social meets at present. You don't owe him an explanation but if you're anything like me it's hard letting someone down with honestly so being vague can be a way to do it. If he gets in touch later on you could then say again that you don't feel able to meet up yet but you'll be in touch as and when. Hopefully in time he will get the message and find others to meet up with.

IPreferTheStrawberryOne · 16/01/2023 17:12

Just keep making excuses that you're busy until he gets the hint.

And if he doesn't get the hint (i.e. continues to push your boundaries and ignore what you're saying), then spell it out to him in no uncertain terms.

Stevenlincs · 16/01/2023 17:17

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 17:20

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 16:56

Will you still see him regularly at running club?

No, barely ever. We often overlap at the beginning of one session and the end of another, but neither of us are hanging around then.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 17:20

ednatheevilwitch · 16/01/2023 17:05

I hope it's not the sex pest that I know who's in a running club.....

No, and that's not a nice thing to say. Please don't derail my thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 17:22

Thank you for the useful advice, it's helpful to get opinions from people completely outside the situation.

OP posts:
SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 17:32

If you'll barely ever see him then be honest with him.

Exactly as you've written it in your OP...

"Hi Dave, even though you have not put any pressure on me, it is clear you want more than friendship. I have been clear with you that I don't want more than friendship, and now I don't feel that this is even a friendship I'd like to pursue/strengthen. All the best".

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 21:59

SomethingLessIdentifiable · 16/01/2023 17:32

If you'll barely ever see him then be honest with him.

Exactly as you've written it in your OP...

"Hi Dave, even though you have not put any pressure on me, it is clear you want more than friendship. I have been clear with you that I don't want more than friendship, and now I don't feel that this is even a friendship I'd like to pursue/strengthen. All the best".

Gosh, could you imagine receiving such a message? I would be very upset by that. I will see him at club or club events, and I still like the guy, I just want to be good mates not ones who meet up just the two of us.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:03

OP gently, you've had a number of threads about this guy. Can you let us know if you took any advice from the previous thread so we don't repeat the same advice from that one? Otherwise people are going to spend time repeating themselves.

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 22:06

monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:03

OP gently, you've had a number of threads about this guy. Can you let us know if you took any advice from the previous thread so we don't repeat the same advice from that one? Otherwise people are going to spend time repeating themselves.

A number of threads?
Gosh, I'm embarrassed. I didn't realise.
Can you show me?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:08

Have you posted before or have I got this wrong? It's so familiar and there was quite a recent thread. Happy to be told I'm wrong rather than playing a gotcha game, which wasn't my intention. Sorry if I got it wrong.

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 22:10

I've saw a thread before xmas about some bloke from a running club who OP isn't sure wants more than friendship. And there was another bloke from running club thread recently.

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 22:12

monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:08

Have you posted before or have I got this wrong? It's so familiar and there was quite a recent thread. Happy to be told I'm wrong rather than playing a gotcha game, which wasn't my intention. Sorry if I got it wrong.

I've just looked through all my "I've started" threads and there's nothing there, I think this is my only thread in Relationships.

I have not posted about this specific issue before, no.

OP posts:
Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 22:13

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 22:10

I've saw a thread before xmas about some bloke from a running club who OP isn't sure wants more than friendship. And there was another bloke from running club thread recently.

Was that from me?

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:14

I meant under a different name. You must know if you've played about this before? If not I'm sorry I got it wrong. Can you let us know so people can decide whether to respond to your post accordingly?

monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:15

Was that from me?

You must know? If so, you will be able to confirm it was. If not, ditto.

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 22:16

TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 22:13

Was that from me?

Show quote history

Well given that you've just said you looked through your threads and this is the only one, then no.

Original poster
TheOrigRights · 16/01/2023 22:16

monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:14

I meant under a different name. You must know if you've played about this before? If not I'm sorry I got it wrong. Can you let us know so people can decide whether to respond to your post accordingly?

No I haven't. I would have no need to name change.

God...having to justify myself before people decide to give me some advice.

OP posts:
monsteramunch · 16/01/2023 22:18

It's not hard to 'justify yourself' though OP.

There's a poster who has started loads of threads about someone from a running club with loads of similarities to yours.

You've confirmed it's not you so people now know. Surely it's no biggie. It's not personal, I just got it wrong and have said so and said sorry 🤷🏻‍♀️

ImpartialMongoose · 16/01/2023 22:19

Well, you don't want to be straight with him, but want to be mates, you're just going to have to ignore his messages and keep being friendly when you see him.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/01/2023 22:21

If he's a nice guy, do you know any women that you think might like him?

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