Relationship over - single, childless. I’ve lost hope

[Hopeforthebetter]

My year long relationship ended on Friday. I’m 40. I gave it my all. My very open hearted best. He ended it by text saying he didn’t have the space for a relationship. A month ago he went distant; I asked him then if things were ok and he said yes. And now it’s over

I feel so so so desperate. I am childless. I thought this might be my chance to aim at what I wanted in life. I wanted a family; I don’t want to do sperm donation. I would find it too too tough to not know the identity of the father; I just cannot do that.

Prior to this I spent years on dating apps with some awful experiences. And before that an abusive relationship. And surrounding that things have always been quite tough. But I always aimed for happiness.

I can’t go back to the dating apps. It seemed to me to be full of men wanting to take advantage and not wanting something meaningful.

Life feels bleak. I have been picking myself up metaphorically from one bad situation to another all my life. I just wanted happiness together with someone. That’s all. I tried so hard; I try so hard in life. It never works.

I am looking for stories of hope. Because really genuinely I feel finished. I feel so utterly bleak.

Please help me. I feel really lost. Tears steaming down my face. I always pick myself up. I’m not a victim. But I can’t do it anymore because what am I picking myself up for. Just nothing

please give me stories of hope x

I am so sorry you are feeling so low. A handhold from me. I understand you don’t want to do sperm donation.Is your priority a child first or a partner? If it is a child I would use sperm donation, egg donation and everything I could to achieve this. I had my second child at 40 and third at 42. I am here if you want to chat.

I met my current partner at 41 after what sounds like a similar history, abusive relationship and various other troubled and dead end ones. We've now been together for 7 years and it seems like we're in it for the long haul, after I had very much given up on anything meaningful. I have

I think your message posted before you had finished. I’m so keen to hear more of this story of hope!

..no idea if you will meet someone, obviously, but there's definitely hope if I can manage it because I could write out a long list of reasons why I was a terrible prospect!!

Sorry, butter fingers!!

Thank you yellowrosesblue. I have thought about it carefully and just can’t do the sperm donation route. I’ve said above I’ve given up but really is pose there is still a glimmer of hope that it might work out meeting someone … a glimmer after what seems like a lifetime of difficulty. Thank you for your message and advice though

How did you meet Pangopurl? It just seems so difficult… like I used to do loads of activities but never met anyone so had to resort to the apps and they seem full of nasties!

On an ap I'm afraid, sorry! OkCupid. I've been fairly lucky with it over the years, I met my previous partner on there too. We were together for 5 years, way longer than we should've been due to completely different life goals (and his family were nasty) but he was a decent guy overall.
I wish you all the luck in the world, with either finding someone or being ok with being single, I know it's really hard.

Hello OP, the end of a relationship is always a difficult time so don't be too hard on yourself.

I'm happily single so can't really give relationship advice, but my advice would be to focus on yourself and what brings you happiness (hobbies, self-care, etc). In my case for instance I want to write a novel. Don't expect a relationship to make you happy because it won't - happiness comes from within, not from others. A relationship can be fulfilling and bring you joy, but it won't change who you are and how you feel about yourself.

I realize it may feel like time is running away and you have to hurry but you still have over half your life in front of you. Don't rush into a relationship that's not right. Yes, taking the time you need to build a solid relationship means children may not happen, but if children are more important than the relationship then you should use a donor - that's much easier than having to deal with a vindictive ex who was never the right person for you.

In my case I did go the sperm donor route and have two amazing little boys. They can find out who the donor is at 18 if so they choose. I understand you don't want to do that at this time, but I thought I'd mention it in case you ever want to find out more about this route, feel free to PM me.

The issue of children aside, focus on yourself and only yourself for the next few days/weeks/however long you need. The right man may come along, or not, but you don't have to wait for him before you can be happy.

Hand hold for what you’re going through OP. 40 is just a number, and plenty of people have healthy children well into their 40s. As someone with young children, I couldn’t do this by myself, and I have the upmost respect for single mums. It is so much work. My fear was settling with someone for children then it not working out as I’d rushed to settle down. I’ve seen it happen too often to friends. I was settling just to meet that 30 deadline I thought my body was setting (I’m nearing 40 now), I got dumped by every one of those men that I was compromising on what I wanted to be with . Eventually I stopped dating idiots and took a total break. Learned to be happy by myself, and focused on my job, my friends etc. I decided that if I didn’t find the right one in time, I could adopt a child one day and I was very ok with that. I’d rather (hopefully) have the right one and wait. I had been out with friends and was drunk swiping on an app online dating, without glasses on 😂. The next day went back to look at who replied, and kept a few of them. There was one with no words written and old looking pics. Sober me would never have right swiped. We’re now a few years married with 2 children. He’s the nicest, hardest working, best at communicating man I know, the chemistry is there, he’s a wonderful dad. No compromises on what I was looking for vs the ones before. He was absolutely worth the wait and the shitty years before. Keep your chin up, focus on yourself, your friends, your work. The rest will hopefully come in time ❤️.

I met ds's dad on my 42nd birthday. Conceived two & half years later.

The relationship failed after 6 years but ds is a joy, lives with me full time and still sees his dad.

There are a lot of men out there who simply don't make good partners or fathers. You have higher standards & expectations. That just makes you a strong woman (and a potentially great mum).

I know my son's dad, but for me being a single mum has not been an issue. DS & I have a calm happy home. Don't discount it just because it isn't society's ideal. xx

Thank you both. I don’t mind being a single mother at all but would like to know the father and at least have tried at a relationship. Just to know him and to know my child’s father; rather than anonymous

Why is it important to you to know the father personally? In my opinion, that is rather more risky at this stage than doing it alone. If you rush to have a baby with someone, then it all goes badly, you're going to have to co-parent with that someone you're no longer in a relationship with. You might only have your child half the time. You might have to deal with your child having a stepmother and other siblings in the future. You won't be able to make solo decisions about your child's education or where you live. These are important things to consider when looking for a man to father a baby when you don't have much time to get to know him.

@Hopeforthebetter

hope you are feeling better
i think you had the best advice

focus on you and a hobby and I am sure you will find a lovely partner

x

@Hopeforthebetter

I used an egg donor at age 47. I was very sceptical about donation beforehand. Having been through the process and with the benefit of hindsight - I would not change a thing. DS is utterly beautiful. It might be worth getting a simple blood test to check your fertility levels - and from that consider egg freezing.

Having a baby put a strain on any relationship - so if you have sufficient financial means and other support around you, you might be ok to
go it alone? Rather than the stress of an unsatisfactory relationship thrown in with the stress of raising a baby.

I think it can be done, but your going to have to be very practical/upfront if you start a new relationship. I.e : I want to start trying ASAP. And then otherwise, maybe consider avenues that you’ve closed off before. I’d 1000000% recommend the fertility clinic I used, so PM me if you want their details. It’s worth reading about epigenetics when considering donation too - so even if you don’t know the donor (I know my clinic did thorough screening) - the environment you provide right from conception is vital and will influence how the genes are expressed. Good luck!

My friend has had 2 good relationships from dating apps, not all weirdo’s. She makes it clear she’s looking for a relationship. I was single for 12yrs, recently started dating an ex colleague. We would have got it together 3yrs earlier if Covid wasn’t a thing! But least we finally have now. There’s hope out there. I know you don’t have 12yrs but I could have dated sooner, but didn’t want to. I’d give dating apps another go, it’s so hard to meet people in your 40’s otherwise. I was thinking about signing up 2 days before I saw my ex colleague again who is now my official BF. I didn’t want to but was ready for a relationship as my kids were growing up and didn’t need me anymore

There’s other ways to be happy than with a kid and a husband op- you might not be happy even with these things. Look to yourself for happiness and fulfilment in your life

I'm sorry about your relationship. There is no way around the crushing disappointment of that and you just have to hold on to the knowledge that you will get through it and life will feel better, in time. Easy to say, but if that's how he felt then you're better off not having launched into parenthood with him.

As for the parenthood, I can understand how you feel. But, it really makes no difference how you become a parent. I have 2 biological children from my marriage to a man. I have a third child, from my marriage to DW, who was born after IVF using a sperm donor and DW's egg, and I carried the baby. I love my third child exactly the same as I do my first two. It makes no difference that I don't know who "the father" (I prefer "the donor") is. And no difference that I actually have no biological connection to her at all. DW has a different ethnic heritage to me so DD looks very obviously not biologically my child. Makes no difference. I love her.

Someone else I know was desperate to have a baby in her 40s and IVF failed. She was very opposed to egg donation for the same reasons as you. Eventually she tried it and had a child, who's now about 8. No child was ever more loved!

Take some time to heal your wounds. Keep an open mind about your route to parenthood.

I met my soulmate at 43. He is over twenty years older than me. I’d given up ever feeling true love. We met the old fashioned way of real life. It’s been emotional at times over the years as we both wish we could have met sooner, had children together, but we count our blessings and appreciate every single day we have together. Our relationship is very respectful, loyal, caring, gentle, we make each other laugh, the bedroom is absolutely amazing and we both discovered the enormous difference between making love and having sex.

Honestly, if you want a child you need to be thinking of other options now. Otherwise you will be trying desperately to meet someone to have a child urgently with and this may blind you to any faults rather than focusing on finding the right person.

Can you reframe it? Moving on to something better, unattached, childfree... The world's your oyster!

''@Nosleepforthismum ·
Honestly, if you want a child you need to be thinking of other options now. Otherwise you will be trying desperately to meet someone to have a child urgently with and this may blind you to any faults rather than focusing on finding the right person.''

I completely agree with this. With your current strategy you are forever depending on finding a man who is also willing to start a family quickly.

Sorry to be blunt but at 40 online dating is tricky. Most men your age will either be looking for younger partners or already have kids from previous relationships and won't want to have a baby immediately. You also have a huge amount of time-wasters and not so great men to sort through. You might find someone but by that time you might no longer be able to have a child easily.

I would really start looking at plan B if I were you and look at options where you have more control. None of them might be perfect but they are more likely to get you what you want:

• sperm donor. could be a close friend rather than a stranger.
• adoption
• casual partner.

If you are financially stable and you can go it alone I would really explore that.

Families come in all shapes and sizes theses day and not everyone is meant to meet the perfect partner and do the ''traditional'' thing of marriage and then kids.

I’m so sorry you’re feeling so low OP.

If a child and partner is really what you want you need to put on your brace face and get back out there.

On the apps - be absolutely clear about what you’re looking for and ruthless with your matches. It’s a numbers game, no time wasting no men who are unsure - you are clear about what you want.

I understand your reservations around sperm donation, but if a child is your priority maybe give it some more thought. There are no guarantees in life, you could meet someone, get pregnant and he disappears. The relationship breaks down and you have to share custody, or he may not make the effort to see your child. There are many stories of women who had children with a man, the relationship breaks down and the ex doesn’t see the child.

Yes you would know the fathers identity, but is that the be all and end all?

I'm a solo mother by choice (SMBC) as we're sometimes referred to and had my son using IVF and a sperm donor aged 39. I am incredibly lucky and feel grateful that I took the path I did. I too did the apps including traditional ways of meeting men and having a relationship but nine if it worked out and time was running out.

I second getting your fertilility checked out as soon as possible as it will be a useful indicator of your current fertilility status. Nobody knows what their fertilility is like until they try to conceive and carry the pregnancy to full term and there is a live birth. IVF is not the panacea many would have you believe, it has a global failure rate of over 70% and it is more likely to be successful in younger women (under 35). It's expensive too in the UK. Don't discount that older men can too experience infertility issues so it is something to take into consideration (unless you're dating much younger men). Alternatively you may need to look into DE even if with a partner if your own fertilility isn't good.

Like @Jadviga my child will be able to find out identifiable information about the donor when he turns 18 (and if he wishes make contact with the donor, provided donor doesn't withdraw his consent/passes away).

My life is infinitely calmer now that I'm no longer looking for a partner. If it happens, great, if not so be it. I have my family now. I look back with sadness on all the anxiety and stress of wanting to meet someone and feel absolutely certain that this was the right thing to do, for me.

What do you envisage the next 5, 10, 15 years to look like Op @Hopeforthebetter ? Decide what's more important, a partner or a child (ren) as both concurrently may not be possible at this stage.

There absolutely is hope that you can meet someone and have a wonderful, living and happy long term relationship. Of course there is! I couldn’t count how many people I know who have met a fantastic partner in their 40s, 50s and beyond. Love and commitment aren’t just for the young!

But having a child is a different matter and it would be unfair to feed you a fantasy on that. If you want a child, outside of going down the adoption route, you have to be realistic. For every woman who has a quick, easy conception and healthy baby at 40, there are many more who struggle with fertility in their 40s. If having a child is a priority, you need to reconsider sperm donation. Waiting around to meet someone who is in the same place as you is just too high risk.

I know it’s tough, OP, and hearing the blunt truth when you’re heartbroken is especially tough. But you can take control of the situation. You don’t have to be at the mercy of guys on dating apps dicking around,