Relationship over - single, childless. I’ve lost hope

[Hopeforthebetter]

My year long relationship ended on Friday. I’m 40. I gave it my all. My very open hearted best. He ended it by text saying he didn’t have the space for a relationship. A month ago he went distant; I asked him then if things were ok and he said yes. And now it’s over

I feel so so so desperate. I am childless. I thought this might be my chance to aim at what I wanted in life. I wanted a family; I don’t want to do sperm donation. I would find it too too tough to not know the identity of the father; I just cannot do that.

Prior to this I spent years on dating apps with some awful experiences. And before that an abusive relationship. And surrounding that things have always been quite tough. But I always aimed for happiness.

I can’t go back to the dating apps. It seemed to me to be full of men wanting to take advantage and not wanting something meaningful.

Life feels bleak. I have been picking myself up metaphorically from one bad situation to another all my life. I just wanted happiness together with someone. That’s all. I tried so hard; I try so hard in life. It never works.

I am looking for stories of hope. Because really genuinely I feel finished. I feel so utterly bleak.

Please help me. I feel really lost. Tears steaming down my face. I always pick myself up. I’m not a victim. But I can’t do it anymore because what am I picking myself up for. Just nothing

please give me stories of hope x

I met my husband at 35, we both wanted children and knew time wasn’t on our side so started ttc fairly soon after meeting (about a year I think). Not always the wisest course but worked for us. It took 4 years and a lot of heartache but we did manage to have a baby when I was 40. There are older mums than me in my circle, and my friend had her second at 43. It’s not absolutely too late but honestly you possibly don’t have time to wait to find ‘the one’ and if you really want a child you definitely need to look at alternative options now. I was absolutely prepared to go it alone though and had actually made some steps in that direction before I met my husband.

If you don’t want to be a solo parent that’s absolutely understandable too. My friend met her partner at 45. After a lot of disappointments and being let down. He’s utterly wonderful (and so bloody handsome!) They don’t live together full time as they both like the way things are, although tend to spend at least half the week together. They have such a happy, relaxed and romantic relationship, go on wonderful trips together, you can see he treasures her and she lights up whenever his name is mentioned. It’s so lovely. There’s definitely hope! (They did meet on an app though sorry, and yes there were so so many dickheads before him - as I also found before meeting DH on match.)

Nobody ever mentions adoption. If you are uncomfortable with the donor route then adoption might suit you. Yes there are horror stories but success too. You would be giving a child who already exists the chance of a wonderful life rather than creating an embryo in an ivf lab. I know many women want to experience pregnancy and childbirth but if you can forgo that then adoption might be something to look into. I say this as someone who has 2 adopted children.

I think the reason it's not mentioned is because in reality adoption is just as challenging if not more so. You have to meet certain eligibility criteria in terms of your housing, support networks, health, and working arrangements in order to even be considered. Private fertilility clinics don't ask such things bar to fill out a document where you self report that you're fit and healthy to go ahead with your treatment and will be responsible to look after the potential child, and attend one counseling session. With both routes, there are no guarantees you'll need up with a baby in your hands

@Hopeforthebetter

How are you doing Op?