Utterly confused!

[Penny2344]

Husband had an affair with a work colleague but decided to come back home and end it although he didn’t end it at all and it transpired that he and OW have been in contact pretty much since I first found out. DH is however saying that the marriage breakdown is my fault as I couldn’t get over the affair which is true of course but that is in huge part to the fact that I kept finding more evident that they were back in contact and he kept lying almost daily to me.
When challenged on his lying, he just starts on a tirade of how I am the problem - I did too much housework (none of that stuff matters to him), spent too much time with the children, didn’t appreciate him, didn’t drink enough etc. He would even go as far as to say that he was never happy but yet I have all these beautiful memories of us which he just throws away as rubbish. He has now said that in order for our marriage to work, I have to put all the effort in as his patience has gone and I now have to make him miss me?
What has happened to him?!

He has turned in to a complete bastard.

Monster.
You should leave.

They won't acknowledge that they have ruined the marriage and broken up the family, so they twist it all round and blame you.

My very first LTB and CF.
Get angry OP
CF telling you what you need to do! Oh no way, you tell him what to do and it goes something like fuck off!

Larchforest, I have honestly had the worse few weeks of my life and that statement made me laugh out loud. Thank you x

He’s a jerk!

I mean, how very dare you do too much housework or spend too much time looking after the children. You should have dedicated your entire being to being at his beck and call, preferably wearing enticing lingerie at all hours and being a sex kitten to please him. Then he wouldn’t have had an affair.

Except, he would have. It was never about you. It’s him. He’s a dirty little cheating liar. You’re worth more and he didn’t ever deserve you. No confusion needed.

You don’t want that marriage to work, trust me. The marriage got ruined because HE had an affair. Even when you forgave him, HE still kept in touch with her. HE then blames you because he can’t take responsibility for having an affair and fucking up. HE is responsible 100%. HE is not worthy to be married to you.

Throw him back out. He ruined the marriage by having an affair. Repeat repeat repeat. Far and wide. He will hate that.

Show the narcissist this thread. He will tell you we are man hating bitches and all wrong blah blah blah. Fucking vile piece of scum man.

It is like I don’t know him. He is so vain, so selfish - is happy to see our children for a few hours at a time yet I do all wake ups and bedtimes which I honestly enjoy but it feels he just doesn’t want to be married anymore 😔

Move on to better things OP.
Life can only get better once you show him you won't listen to his gaslighting.
Make him miss you?
He certainly will be!
He'd not see me for dust!

Why did you let him come home?

Because he promised that the affair was over and kept promising all this year that there was absolutely no contact even when I found evidence there was. His ability to lie without any care has been so difficult. The OW is still around I think too.

Then he lied to you, and has continued to lie to you. You need to throw him out.

It’s cliche.
Tale as old as time.

You will move on and have a great relationship with your children. He will regret his actions after years of blaming you and making your life difficult. As soon as you move on with someone else and become happier than you can even imagine at this point, it’ll be a wake up call for him and he’ll see what he’s thrown away. He won’t have the best relationship with the kids and will end up pretty lonely in life. You’ll look back and wonder why you were ever with him but be grateful that your beautiful children were the result of the shitty experience of him.

He has always been an idiot, he just hid it well.

He sounds like a narcissist who thinks a wife’s role is to adore him and please him. This is not an equal relationship. Having cheated on you he should be thanking his lucky stars you gave him another chance and be working hard to prove himself to you. Instead he continued his affair, blames you and says you should work harder to please him! What does he do to be a good husband to you? What effort does he put in for you?

Yes - I’m starting to see that he doesn’t view women as anything more than objects. He would profess that I have never appreciated him and would literally have a checklist of all my wrongs over the twenty year relationship. I find it difficult to note down every single thing he has done but he can rhyme mine off in a heartbeat. Yet up until working with this woman, I was the ‘perfect wife’. I wasn’t of course but he didn’t give any indication of unhappiness until he started randomly saying things like we don’t get on?!

He's an absolute dick head LTB,you deserve better x

Typical narcissist. Blames you for the affair then blames you for not getting over it quickly enough. Chuck this slimy, toad back in the pond, better still message the OW and tell her she can keep him. Don't play his games and dont let him blame you for his behaviour. He has zero respect for you and lies easily. He will NEVER change.

Does he have previous form for bullshitting his way out of trouble?

It eases his guilt to twist it around and put all the blame on you. It’s staggering really how far up his arse his head is.

Tell him that YOUR patience has worn thin and throw him out. He doesn’t want to make this work, OP. He wants to have his cake and eat it. Kick his adulterous arse out and get yourself to a solicitor.

Are you even entertaining taking this man back?! Why? He a vain, selfish, liar and serial cheat.

They never change. Ever.

This is your "fuck right off" moment.

Try your very best to cut all contact as much as possible. Block him from social media. Don't look at photo's or think of happy memories.

Just think about what an absolute bastard he is and how he's done you a massive favour as you are now free of him.

Sending you strength.

Absolutely dick. LTB, sort out a contact arrangement for the DC away from your home so you get a break too, and fuck him right off.

Pfft, I'll give him make him miss you. What a twat.

I have a STBXH like this, but without the cheating (as far as I know!).

Nothing is ever his fault, and he is never wrong.

Mine has narcissistic traits and needs to have everyone think he is such a good guy. But he knows I know who he really is. Now that his charm and manipulation no longer work on me, all he has left is his anger and bullying.

It sounds like your husband is like this. Sometimes these men actually think what they say is true. But that’s because they are so fucked up that admitting he has behaved badly does not fit with his image of himself being such a great guy. His ego can’t take that injury to his super inflated ego.

Other times they they might know the truth, but again that ego can’t let them admit it. So they will lay the blame at your door and bully you into accepting it. If they have blamed you, their self selecting memory only remembers that you were at fault.

I agree with all the other posters, but I’m addressing the title of your post.

When the narcissist is getting love and approval it’s very easy for them to act nice. But they can’t take criticism, once you have shown them that you are no longer fooled, they let their inner anger rage at you.

How fucking dare you think he’s behaved badly. “He’s a great guy and everybody else thinks the same, so you must be wrong, wrong, wrong”.

LTB IMMEDIATELY