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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Utterly confused!

33 replies

Penny2344 · 15/01/2023 22:00

Husband had an affair with a work colleague but decided to come back home and end it although he didn’t end it at all and it transpired that he and OW have been in contact pretty much since I first found out. DH is however saying that the marriage breakdown is my fault as I couldn’t get over the affair which is true of course but that is in huge part to the fact that I kept finding more evident that they were back in contact and he kept lying almost daily to me.
When challenged on his lying, he just starts on a tirade of how I am the problem - I did too much housework (none of that stuff matters to him), spent too much time with the children, didn’t appreciate him, didn’t drink enough etc. He would even go as far as to say that he was never happy but yet I have all these beautiful memories of us which he just throws away as rubbish. He has now said that in order for our marriage to work, I have to put all the effort in as his patience has gone and I now have to make him miss me?
What has happened to him?!

OP posts:
Canabelievethis · 16/01/2023 00:02

This is how weak men behave to justify cheating and their appalling behaviour so they don't look like the guilty party in all this, when in reality he is just a low life cheat without an ounce of integrity. He is no longer the man you thought he was, he is not your friend and certainly not on your side.

He has gaslighted the hell out of you and no doubt when agreeing to take him back he expected to resume sexual relations with you. By denying your reality (his cake eating) he has put your mental and physical health at risk ( please get an STD check).....you have also been denied informed consent.

He is several steps ahead of you despite being in limerence. He has no intention of ending affair as suffered no consequences, you let him back.

I'm not sure of your work and living conditions but can only suggest you wise up, read all you can, give him something to think about by telling the tosser to take a hike.

You certainly need to do the 180°, grey rock him and start making plans. Please don't do the 'pick me dance' - he is not worth another minute of your heartbreak and it is so demoralising.

He will continue to behave like a shit until you seize some control back OP. Stay strong, you will get through this. Take care, eat sleep and depend on your family and friends.

I threw mine out after similar circumstances. Dumped his clothing at OW's and totally blocked him. I also informed his work he'd been using their office to meet illegally during lock down. He lasted a week with OW and despite begging to come back, tears and tantrums I was done.

You should be too. Nobody should ever be expected to put up and shut up. Seize back the power OP.

larchforest · 16/01/2023 00:08

Penny2344 · 15/01/2023 22:05

Larchforest, I have honestly had the worse few weeks of my life and that statement made me laugh out loud. Thank you x

🙂Flowers

Tannedandfake · 16/01/2023 00:11

Penny2344 · 15/01/2023 22:07

It is like I don’t know him. He is so vain, so selfish - is happy to see our children for a few hours at a time yet I do all wake ups and bedtimes which I honestly enjoy but it feels he just doesn’t want to be married anymore 😔

Do YOU want to be married to him?

Monty27 · 16/01/2023 03:45

What is he actually for?

manova366 · 16/01/2023 05:38

Dear OP, you're confused, understandably, because he has deliberately confused you by using a tactic called DARVO:

D eny he's done anything wrong
A ttack you for causing him to cheat on you (by not giving him 100% of your admiration and affection while raising children and running a household)
R everse the
V ictim and
O ffender: YOU didn't give him enough attention and YOU didn't fall at his feet to beg forgiveness for MAKING him cheat on you, therefore HE is YOUR victim and it's up to YOU to atone! He doesn't need to do anything, see?

Sing along with me: Slip out the back Jack, make a new plan Stan, you don't need to be coy Roy, just get yourself free!

Penny2344 · 17/01/2023 09:32

Arrived last night to collect the children with new veneers so I’m sure the midlife crisis has well and truly hit. This is from the man who pled poverty every single month. Almost laughed but I didn’t.

OP posts:
Nixynic · 17/01/2023 09:41

Penny2344 · 17/01/2023 09:32

Arrived last night to collect the children with new veneers so I’m sure the midlife crisis has well and truly hit. This is from the man who pled poverty every single month. Almost laughed but I didn’t.

Oh dear, definitely sounds like a midlife crisis. And definitely more evidence of selfishness - claiming poverty but then spending thousands on his teeth! I think you are well rid. Hold you head up high and be the Queen you are for yourself and your children xx

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 17/01/2023 09:42

He wants you to play the 'pick me' dance. Don't do it. And turning everything around to being your fault, is part of the script. Almost all men who cheat, uses these same tactics. Stay strong and don't take him back!

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