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Original poster

OLD - dealing with poor conversation

34 replies

Pyaar · 15/01/2023 17:41

I know this is a really common thing with OLD, but is there a way to handle when you are having a chat with someone and the messages are really dry with no questions?

I used to just drop the guy assuming they weren't interested but I've had a few where they are really quick to respond and have talked about meeting up, so feel they are keen. Are they just genuinely unaware of how to converse?

Currently chatting to a guy who asked me out (I couldn't make it so we are going to rearrange) and responds quickly so I feel he must be interested, but the conversation is flagging today because he's sending rubbish replies with nothing to respond to.

If i ignore he might come back with something better, but he may just think I'm uninterested. I can't raise it as i think I'll just look high maintenance. I may just give an equally dead reply so the ball's back in his court..

What do you do?

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 15/01/2023 17:44

I used to do the same as you, if the messages were one sided and they just came back with answers but no questions, I would shut it down. However I had a chap ask me why I hadn’t responded to him and I explained that I was fed up with asking lots of questions but him not asking anything back. He seemed completely bemused and couldn’t understand why I thought that meant he wasn’t interested 🙄

GreenManalishi · 15/01/2023 17:45

*the messages are really dry with no questions
*
It's not high maintenance to have standards, and to know that you're looking for a man that can hold up his end of a conversation.

What do I do? I accept that these are not the men for me, because they're not going to morph into a sparkling conversationist any time soon.

Hollyhocksauce · 15/01/2023 17:46

Just ignore and move on. It doesn't matter if he's interested in meeting, YOU'RE not interested in someone that can't converse and build rapport. End of.

Shitfather · 15/01/2023 20:33

I get bored with one-sided conversations very quickly and move on. Nothing lost at this stage.

Zanatdy · 15/01/2023 20:41

For me conversation is really important in a relationship. I want to talk about current affairs, world news, politics, TV, hobbies. My new bf we can talk for hours on end, same with my ex. I couldn’t be with a man who I couldn’t have a proper conversation with so I’d shut down these conversations too

SuperHandss · 15/01/2023 20:45

My now OH was awful at messaging & still is. I posted on MN about him 2 years ago & everyone told me to block him 🤣

I ended up suggesting we meet for a coffee because I just fancied him physically tbh! In person he was delightful & he’s very kind as well as 100% my type. I knew I’d marry him the moment we met.

There’s a tricky balance to be met between not letting good guys go & not wasting your time. I suggest meeting quickly and briefly. Don’t spend money or energy when OLD.

dreammattemousse · 16/01/2023 07:09

I've recently started saying
'Well this conversation is dryer than the Sahara'
Or a Sarcastic 'great chat'
And then they either pick it up massively or don't and I move on

Experienceorignorance · 16/01/2023 09:51

I too am in a similar situation - I have been on 2 dates with him now and both times conversation flowed (we were last to leave the restaurant!) but on WhatsApp its really stunted and I cannot seem to get a good conversation going at all! I have no idea if he actually likes me or if I am trying to make something out of nothing! Perhaps its us female overthinkers!

xfan · 16/01/2023 11:35

OLD requires a lot of stamina to sift through the dross. Many men have poor communication skills (is there a wonder they're still single?)

ghjklo · 16/01/2023 11:39

just think of it as a good filter to show up the shite ones you need to drop.

ThisIsaNiceDress · 18/03/2023 08:48

Following with interest…

AtomicBlondeRose · 18/03/2023 08:52

Men with no conservation are bad, but if they’re keen to meet up then perhaps they just dislike text chats and would prefer to save it for real life talking? Someone who keeps you dangling on WhatsApp and gives nothing conversationally is a non-starter, but someone who arranged a date soon perhaps doesn’t want to spend much time texting if they’re going to meet you in person soon.

Raver84 · 18/03/2023 08:57

Can I come at a different angle here.i have done a fair amount of OLD and in my experience men are far chattier in real life. Like you I got bored of input so changed and after a while bored of messaging altogether.

I changed my strategy to message for a bit then very quick chat on phone or video call if they still ticked the bows I'd arrange a meet quickly after. It really takes meeting people to pick up their vibes.

Quite honestly when I finished old I was probably poor at messaging and may have come across a bit disinterested I just had no energy left for it so would go straigh to meet pretty much. If I didn't like them I hadn't wasted weeks of messaging and phone calls.

GreyCarpet · 18/03/2023 11:26

I used to just drop the guy assuming they weren't interested but I've had a few where they are really quick to respond and have talked about meeting up, so feel they are keen. Are they just genuinely unaware of how to converse?

Does it matter if they're keen or unaware?

No. Don't lower your standards and eventually you'll meet someone right for you. Or not. But that doesn't mean you have to put up with this. Can you imagine a lifetime of living with someone like this? No. So why bother chatting with or dating them?

WeCome1 · 18/03/2023 11:28

Some people are bad via text but not in person. I agree with a quick phone or video chat and then if that goes better meet up.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 18/03/2023 11:31

If someone ticks enough green flags there is nothing to be lost by a coffee or even a phone call ?

a lot depends on mood and stress levels too I find , and texting can be dry and also a poor way to communicate

winterbegone · 18/03/2023 11:38

I stop responding if it's boring or if I have wait 24hrs inbetween replies 🥱. I like messaging and they have to have the same communication style. Not sure a quick meet up would solve it if they still don't like messaging between dates.

category12 · 18/03/2023 11:50

Maybe he's shit at messaging.

If he's keen to meet, maybe arrange the meet and leave the messaging to check-in texts in the meantime, rather than trying to force it.

Something like text in the morning "hi have a good day blah blah" he messages back, you reply "yada yada, I'll probably not text much today, catch you this evening". Text in the evening "hows your day, blah blah" he replies "yada yada, night night".

Keep it to not much messaging but consistent. Meet. And see from there.

Okigen · 18/03/2023 12:15

Some people are bad with text chats, or they may just be very tired that day due to work/insomnia etc. Plus, after the first few days probably you will run out of interesting topics to text about. I often find people who are bad at texting quite good with in person conversions.

AlmostaMamma · 18/03/2023 12:55

I can't raise it as i think I'll just look high maintenance.

I disagree. Raise it, see how they respond, go from there.

I also disagree with meeting up quickly. Therein lies the path to many a dull date. I have never met anyone who was dull via messaging, but a sparkling wit in real life. Messaging is their opportunity to initially engage you; if they’re not engaging, drop them.

Thesharkradar · 18/03/2023 12:57

You call it high maintenance, I'd call it filtering out the morons!

Bitteralmond · 18/03/2023 13:10

I have no experience of internet dating, but I have a shop. Our customers like to linger for a chat, and honestly, I can count on one hand the number of male customers we have, who can hold an interesting conversation. Obviously, there are some dull women as well, but in the minority. A lot of men think conversation is a monologue about their latest operation or holiday. I find myself wondering how their wives put up with such dull company. I honestly think conversation skills should be taught in schools. It doesn't come naturally to a lot of people, and males in particular.

category12 · 18/03/2023 13:29

AlmostaMamma · 18/03/2023 12:55

I can't raise it as i think I'll just look high maintenance.

I disagree. Raise it, see how they respond, go from there.

I also disagree with meeting up quickly. Therein lies the path to many a dull date. I have never met anyone who was dull via messaging, but a sparkling wit in real life. Messaging is their opportunity to initially engage you; if they’re not engaging, drop them.

I think meeting up quickly is a good idea:

  • cuts out timewasters who never intend to meet but like the attention
  • if it turns out you're not attracted in person, less time wasted
  • makes sure they are who they say, not someone catfishing
  • you don't build up a false sense of intimacy and investment in someone you've never met.
scoobydoo1971 · 18/03/2023 13:38

If you are interested in them, suggest a zoom or whatsapp video conference. I wouldn't waste my time stepping out the door to meet someone if I hadn't seen them, and had a chat. A video call can give off lots of clues and body language. If they are still a mute zombie, you are flogging a dead horse and no point in even bothering to go on a date.

AlmostaMamma · 18/03/2023 14:47

category12 · 18/03/2023 13:29

I think meeting up quickly is a good idea:

  • cuts out timewasters who never intend to meet but like the attention
  • if it turns out you're not attracted in person, less time wasted
  • makes sure they are who they say, not someone catfishing
  • you don't build up a false sense of intimacy and investment in someone you've never met.
Show quote history

I disagree.

  • It’s pretty easy to tell who is just wasting your time and end the conversation. Was never an issue for me.
  • I chatted to people I find interesting and entertaining. A few messages a day for a week or two isn’t particularly onerous for me. If I met them and there was no spark, that was fine.
  • Never been catfished and don’t know anyone who has. I’m sure it happens, but I don’t think it’s particularly common.
  • Also never been an issue for me. I suppose it depends on how you approach conversations.

Different things work for different people, but I had a FANTASTIC time OLD for a couple of years. Interesting conversations, fun dates, nice blokes and ultimately meeting my DH. My way worked for me.