Does an ex ever just want to know 'how you are' innocently?

[chocolateaddict231]

Hi ladies,

Hope your weekend is going great! I posted the other day about an ex emailing out of the blue and from talking to friends a number of them have said 'maybe he just wants to know what's going on in your life' and to give the benefit of the doubt. It seems people either think exes want you back if they get back in touch or it's innocent and I don't want to act naive by replying.

Just a little background.....we were on and off a lot, he was scared of commitment and would leave at the first sign of trouble but in the end we gave it a go but the damage was done for me and it ended badly (we were both pretty crappy those final days) so I have some guilt too. It's been two and a half years since we spoke

No. It's almost never innocent

This sounds awful but women tend to ask in general about exes and men see to always have a motive.

In my experience.

No. He'll just be testing the water to see if he can talk you back round again. Don't be gullible.

This. My ex husband asks when he is low and is able to say ‘I miss you I love you still can we get back together’

No

I had an ex contact me about 10 years after we broke up. He apologised for the way he had treated me and went into detail about how he had reflected on his life. During our relationship it had been very on/off and he was always able to reel me back in by contacting me. He broke my heart and left lasting scars.

When he contacted me I felt elated that he finally apologised. I knew not to contact him. I had 2 children and a husband and although I trusted myself not to cheat and wouldn't want to, I knew it would stir up emotions that didn't need stiring up. I have always felt that if an ex contacts you that unless you don't want them to be an ex, it's best not to go there.

Yes. I think it can be innocent IMHO. I have a couple of happily married exes who do this occasionally just to catch up. (Their wives know me too after all this time.) Obviously, sometimes it's not innocent - you'd have to work that out for yourself.

I have an ex who gets in touch occasionally. There’s definitely no ulterior motive on either side. We’re both happily married, plus he lives in New Zealand these days. It’s nice to catch up on each other’s lives every now and again.

Haha thanks ladies. It has me a little more confused as you haven't different opinions which is fair enough. He says in the email he can't 'go on' not knowing how I am. It's all so out of the blue

Exes you had nice times with and ended for logistical reasons and grew apart over time....maybe. on/off people that damaged you? No. And irrelevant anyway, if you don't want more of the same damage. Don't reply.

No.

He's wanted another chance to do the exact same thing to you again. Trust me.

No.

He's hoping for a posterity bonk.

No and the non committal ex's are the worst for this. He's trying to come back into your life once again only to leave once he's got his shag/ego boost that you also still like him and probably bored now he's also pissed off other women he's been involved with.

No.

He says in the email he can't 'go on' not knowing how I am.

Oh poor him. That sounds quite manipulative. From what you've said I wouldn't trust him.

If you bumped into him randomly in the street and he asked how you were, that's different, but to contact you out of the blue, two and a half years down the line, when things weren't great in the first place, it's a no from me.

He says in the email he can't 'go on' not knowing how I am.

What makes him think he is entitled to ongoing information about your life, which no longer includes him? Tell him 'I'm fine, please don't contact me again' and block him.

Not the bad exes no. They just want someone to massage their ego for a bit. He is an ex for a good reason, just leave him in the discards pile and dont reconnect or you’ll end up in a head fuck!

In general they're looking for a legover and sounding out the likelihood of it happening with you.

He can't go on not knowing how you are?

Avoid like the plague.

The mantra I'm trying to live by these days is that they lost the right to know about my life when they treated me badly. I had one ex who I occasionally stayed in touch with apparently because he cared about me regardless of whether we were together. He then started texting asking if I was in or not, I used to ignore those. After a bad day and another of these I text back saying I agreed to the odd text to catch up on life, whether I am in or not is irrelevant to you. I was offended that he was essentially inviting himself to my home. I phrased the message nicely but guess what, I haven't heard from him since. He didn't care, he was just trying to keep the door open. In my experience (and he's not the only one) it's never innocent. They either want a shag or to make themselves feel better if you reply. If I were you I would ignore, block and leave him in the past where he belongs.

I messaged my EX (me F, Ex M) on FB after 18 years, it was genuinely to say how the hell is life. We have now been married 10 years.

After a shag or ego boost imo. Don't reply.

He also said he's been reflecting a lot and not a day has gone by where he hasn't thought about me. I'm assuming he could be post break up, hence the reflecting

Was you on a thread the other day about this? Don't you have a lovely boyfriend or is that someone else?

Is he single ? Are you?