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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What happens now?

27 replies

Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 15:52

I can't really believe that I am writing this as its something I never thought would happen. Found out my partner has cheated on me over the last 4 weeks, in what I think Mumsnet would call an 'emotional affair', although having read all their messages he did push to meet with her so I am certain he would have taken it further if he had the opportunity.

She seemed on the face of it not as interested in him, and did rebuff him after the first major overstepping of boundaries (but the red flags are there right from the start), but next day she's telling him how no one has talked to her like that before blah blah blurgh. Basically looks like she was using him for an ego massage, which he's lapping up.

The messages are such a bizarre mixture of boring, pathetic, and downright cringe. There is fucking poetry and everything. I probably didn't need to put myself through that but after he had lied repeatedly to me I wanted to know exactly what the situation was.

He's so sorry, was 'caught up in the emotion', totally happy with our relationship apparently. What makes it worse is I've just lost a family member, have huge work stresses, and am in the process of trying to sort that out with a career break. I don't think it could have ever been more of a betrayal of trust than over this time period. He was messaging her on NYE while I was sobbing upstairs over what a shit year it was, I stupidly thought he was also finding it difficult and needed space too.

I said if this ever happened that would be it, but believe it or not he parents and deals with house stuff to the point that I'm not sure I can cope with him not being here from a practical point of view. So I don't know what to do. I feel so angry and betrayed.

It's blindsided me although in hindsight there were teeny tiny signs. Though we were soul mates :(

OP posts:
Relaxd · 15/01/2023 15:58

Everyone will probably say leave him and people never change etc, but my view is if you want to give it another chance then do - but on the basis you both perhaps get some counselling to work through if you have a future together and to talk through what’s been going wrong. People can and do make mistakes but it’s absolutely awful to be cheated on, and completely normal to be angry, confused, conflicted and betrayed.

Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 16:02

Yeah did think maybe couples counseling, I'm numb at the moment and we have a big enough house that I don't need to be near him if I don't want to. So trying not to be rash. There is an event this evening that I now need to try and cheer myself up for, for the sake of our child.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 16:03

It was quite therapeutic to type up the OP tbh, I could have written pages. So many tiny odd things that happened over the last 4 weeks are actually because of this, and when I think about all the times we had sex its just so grim!

OP posts:
Warspite · 15/01/2023 16:10

If typing out your thread is helpful, I round urge you to do more of that. Buy an exercise book & write the story down.
In the past I have found it empowering to keep a “journal” of my feelings but then, as time passes, I re-read it and if feeling stronger I destroy it.

Purge yourself on paper. See if it’s helpful. Counselling might help too but what you really need is for him to rebuild your trust. His actions from now on will speak louder than words.

category12 · 15/01/2023 16:15

You don't have to decide anything either way right now.

Sometimes there's a strong urge to rush into agreeing to stay together, with hysterical bonding sex and brushing over what happened, and later down the track you feel like you've painted yourself into a corner when you can't "get over it".

Just give yourself time and see how you feel. Whatever you decide in the long run, I would make moves to make yourself more independent so you know you can go it alone. Always be there by choice not need.

Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 16:20

Warspite · 15/01/2023 16:10

If typing out your thread is helpful, I round urge you to do more of that. Buy an exercise book & write the story down.
In the past I have found it empowering to keep a “journal” of my feelings but then, as time passes, I re-read it and if feeling stronger I destroy it.

Purge yourself on paper. See if it’s helpful. Counselling might help too but what you really need is for him to rebuild your trust. His actions from now on will speak louder than words.

I've actually been seeing a therapist to deal with the grief of my recent loss and the work stresses, 3 sessions in and last week I was saying how glad I was that at least home was stable and my partner had my back. I keep thinking about cancelling next week as I'm so embarrassed. Likewise I haven't told a single friend, as I'm so so embarrassed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 16:24

category12 · 15/01/2023 16:15

You don't have to decide anything either way right now.

Sometimes there's a strong urge to rush into agreeing to stay together, with hysterical bonding sex and brushing over what happened, and later down the track you feel like you've painted yourself into a corner when you can't "get over it".

Just give yourself time and see how you feel. Whatever you decide in the long run, I would make moves to make yourself more independent so you know you can go it alone. Always be there by choice not need.

I'm totally secure, I own the house (we aren't married), work full time and have plenty of savings. It's just such a betrayal that I planned a career break thinking he would be supporting me through that and now I find that I can't trust him at all. I can still afford the career break if we split, but its like one fucking thing after another at the moment.

OP posts:
category12 · 15/01/2023 16:27

Please don't cancel. Go and talk to the counsellor, and do talk to friends - it's so tempting to draw in on yourself with the embarrassment and pain, (but it also forces you back into emotional reliance on the person who has betrayed you).

I remember I used to think my marriage was so strong and that we were so close, and then felt the rug completely pulled when I found out he was cheating. You're not alone.

Toomanysleepycats · 15/01/2023 16:29

Give yourself plenty of time to think it over.

A friend told me that she found out about her husband straying a couple of years ago. She decided to stay as they’ve been together a long time. I have noticed when I’ve seen them together since, that their marriage seems to have had a ‘reset’.

He was a bit alpha male, would make little jokes about her and be the boss. I think this has enabled her to take some power back in the marriage and there is more equality than there was before. She is such a lovely person that this can only be good for them both.

If you decide you can’t get over this then plan your exit accordingly. Consider wether you need to tell him your decision straight away, while you sort out legal advice and check up on finances and joint assets. Someone once said to me that when you have a partner who is feeling ashamed and guilty, it’s a good time to get agreements about things in the divorce. As time goes on they stop feeling guilty and less amicable.

Whatever you decide, in the short term he doesn’t deserve you putting yourself out for him.

Warspite · 15/01/2023 16:31

Life is like a conveyor belt. Bad times then good times.
The advice that @category12 has given is really good.
Don’t stop seeing your therapist. They’ve heard it all. Nothing to be embarrassed about. Get it all out.
You might find it helpful to just tell one friend you can really really trust. Why should you protect the perpetrator from peer scrutiny?

frozendaisy · 15/01/2023 16:35

You hold most of the cards OP. Of course he is sorry right now, poetry doesn't house you. You house him.

Take you time to decide. Ask him where was he when you were sobbing on NYE? Typing out Keats (or is it worse than that and he was attempting to compose his own awful verse) to someone else?

But have a nice evening tonight and address all this in your own time

Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 16:36

category12 · 15/01/2023 16:27

Please don't cancel. Go and talk to the counsellor, and do talk to friends - it's so tempting to draw in on yourself with the embarrassment and pain, (but it also forces you back into emotional reliance on the person who has betrayed you).

I remember I used to think my marriage was so strong and that we were so close, and then felt the rug completely pulled when I found out he was cheating. You're not alone.

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you as well. I know in my head I should keep the appointment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 16:45

frozendaisy · 15/01/2023 16:35

You hold most of the cards OP. Of course he is sorry right now, poetry doesn't house you. You house him.

Take you time to decide. Ask him where was he when you were sobbing on NYE? Typing out Keats (or is it worse than that and he was attempting to compose his own awful verse) to someone else?

But have a nice evening tonight and address all this in your own time

Oh no it was his own poetry (and tbf it wasn't terrible), she was gushing about him being such a great writer and asking him how often he writes etc. He has never written anything (that I'm aware about) in the decades I've known him. There was even a voice note, which I played when he was in the room and he had the grace to look absolutely mortified about.

Honestly if I posted the chat logs as fiction we would all find it fucking hilarious, but its my life and the things my partner was choosing to do while I was pushing through making the first Christmas dinner without my Dad, or when I was resting during the day because I was so mentally exhausted from trying to help everyone else in my family with their grief. Utter betrayal.

OP posts:
OldFan · 15/01/2023 16:51

He's been awful.

You'd cope fine without him OP x

PollyAmour · 15/01/2023 17:48

You can, and will, get through this.

Talk to your therapist. Tell your friends and family, get a real life support network in place.

Leave your twat of a husband to compose daft limericks to his lady love and move onto a bright and happy future without him.

I am sorry you feel so betrayed. It's such a kick in the teeth, especially when you are going through such profound grief. Be kind to yourself. Sincere condolences on the loss of your relative.

MsDogLady · 15/01/2023 18:25

OP, it’s horrific that your P has betrayed you and your child so profoundly with his selfishness, deceit, and investment in infidelity.

Be aware that his weak boundaries for illicit ego validation are still present. Until he digs deep to work on himself via IC and research on infidelity/affair recovery, he will be a poor bet for successful reconciliation.

You’d be wise to set a consequence for his abusive betrayal by sending him away while you get your bearings and consider your options. Consider checking out the Just Found Out and other forums on the Surviving Infidelity website. Their Wayward forum would benefit your P.

Go to your counseling session. You need that support!

Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 15/01/2023 20:18

Be aware that his weak boundaries for illicit ego validation are still present. Until he digs deep to work on himself via IC and research on infidelity/affair recovery, he will be a poor bet for successful reconciliation.

This is such a good point @MsDogLady he says he won't do it again because he has seen the pain of what happens but I can't say that fills me with confidence, given it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know cheating on someone will cause them pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 16/01/2023 08:52

God the last 7 years are the happiest I've ever been. Woken up this morning and I feel like I'm grieving my own death.

OP posts:
LikeTearsInRain · 16/01/2023 09:45

If her answer had been slightly different he would have had his penis inside her, potentially multiple times.

If that had happened, would you be feeling this way?

Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 16/01/2023 10:06

LikeTearsInRain · 16/01/2023 09:45

If her answer had been slightly different he would have had his penis inside her, potentially multiple times.

If that had happened, would you be feeling this way?

He would absolutely be out on his ear if he had gone that far, I think I've been guilty in the past of thinking an EA 'isn't as bad' as physical cheating but in reality its had pretty much the same effect bar the need for an STI check!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 17/01/2023 07:44

I've got my therapy session today, I've put a lot of energy into worrying about it as its the first 'real' person I'm going to talk to about this. Hopefully it will free up a lot of headspace once its out.

Partner is still here, mainly for convenience. If I kicked him out he would have to go to his mums 4 hours away and I dont want to have to deal with our sons clubs etc as I can't drive. He's doing his jobs and feeling sorry for himself, says he is going to see a therapist too. Its all the right words but I just have zero trust, so it doesn't change the way I feel.

What do I want? I want things to go back to how they were, has anyone worked through something like this?

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 17/01/2023 11:02

Take time to decide what is best for you. Im glad you have someone to talk to today.

category12 · 17/01/2023 18:23

Hesanuttercunt · 17/01/2023 07:44

I've got my therapy session today, I've put a lot of energy into worrying about it as its the first 'real' person I'm going to talk to about this. Hopefully it will free up a lot of headspace once its out.

Partner is still here, mainly for convenience. If I kicked him out he would have to go to his mums 4 hours away and I dont want to have to deal with our sons clubs etc as I can't drive. He's doing his jobs and feeling sorry for himself, says he is going to see a therapist too. Its all the right words but I just have zero trust, so it doesn't change the way I feel.

What do I want? I want things to go back to how they were, has anyone worked through something like this?

It's early days.

Trying to put things back like they were won't happen. It's tempting because you think it'll end the pain, but it just covers it up. Couples do get through infidelity, but it very much depends. (My experience was that he did it again).

Maybe try relationship counselling on top of individual?

And unless there's a physical reason you don't drive, I would prioritise driving lessons so you increase your independence.

Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 19/01/2023 07:27

Yesterday I felt a lot better. Went into work etc got stuff done. Today I've woken up feeling shit again.

Therapy session was really good, I got so much out I slept all afternoon afterwards. Felt really good to talk it throigh with someone outside the situation.

My partner agrees that he needs some kind of help and is looking into it. He needs to follow through tho not just talk about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hesanuttercunt · 19/01/2023 07:31

category12 · 17/01/2023 18:23

It's early days.

Trying to put things back like they were won't happen. It's tempting because you think it'll end the pain, but it just covers it up. Couples do get through infidelity, but it very much depends. (My experience was that he did it again).

Maybe try relationship counselling on top of individual?

And unless there's a physical reason you don't drive, I would prioritise driving lessons so you increase your independence.

Show quote history

I've suggested individual first and couples after, at the time because I was trying to decide if I wanted to work on it. I have decided I do want to work on it because our son.

It is a physical reason that I don't drive unfortunately.

OP posts: