How have people dealt with female ‘mean girl’ types at work?

[Redberries85]

Hi - I started at a new workplace a few months ago and there’s one particular woman who is really loud and sarcastic, very intimidating but brings a lot to the workplace as she’s deemed fun etc.

I’m quite different, I’m a kind person who is a bit quieter but still has a laugh and can make friends with my team close to me. I am in a slightly higher position to her so there’s been lots of banter comments about that, making fun of me for it but it’s always done in a jokey way. My close friend at work overheard her talking about our group as being the boring lot. she also stares at me sometimes when we’re stood around socially and is smirking. She just seems to smirk a lot and make passive aggressive comments or other times ignore when I’ve asked her something, she’ll interrupt and talk to someone else.
she definitely has a cliquey group too but I think they’re getting a bit fed up with her sometimes and seem to be warming to me more although they’re still close to her.

I just don’t know how to act around her. I suddenly go quiet and uncomfortable in her presence and dread any social times like lunchtimes. How have other people dealt with these types of people. Do you just ignore them? Just try and stay chirpy and pretend you’re feeling fine?

Managers are aware for various reasons but think they’re torn what to do as she comes across really nice and funny when they are there and it’s nothing than can be pinpointed.

I have found them in every single workplace I have been in. They cause havoc and lots of HR/ER issues. They normally get away with it for too long then there’s a tipping point and when it comes on top of them they tend to try to cast themselves as the victims.

Is she stopping you doing your job or make it more difficult beyond just not liking the way she interacts with you. I a big fan of lack of engagement with difficult people if you don't need them to get on with your work.

Don’t react. Learn the art of a completely neutral expression and silence. It will cause awkward moments at times but let them happen & let the awkwardness be hers. Don’t try to outdo her sarcasm or laugh at things you don’t find funny. Just have it in your mind that she is no one to you and nothing she says or does matters. She may get worse before she gets better but she will because it will become embarrassing for her.

Ive come across lots of people like that and I just don’t taken them on in any way. I don’t have time for adult attention seekers.

I avoid them like the plague. If I’m in a group socially chatting and they join, I walk away.

If it’s shop talk and they approach the group, I grab who I need and say, let’s finish hammering this out in my office and we walk away from her.

If they approach me on a one to one basis, I’m too busy to talk/just on my way out/ have a zoom starting in a minute and tell them to send me an email.

If they’re in the same meeting, I sit as far away as possible and blank them.

The difficult thing is eventually I will have to talk/present more with my work where she will be present and the thought of it is giving me horrible anxiety. I think I have heard about how much she can slag other people off and appears to look down on quieter people, I’m just trying to figure out how to be confident in her presence as the smirking etc. really triggers me

I tried to kill with kindness and be nothing but professional. I also raised it with my manager, but not much was done as those perpetuating the dynamic cast themselves as victkms. When it became clear that the social hierarchy was never going to change, I left.

Luckily though, you out rank her, so she is unlikely to slag off your work in front of everyone at a work presentation. If she smirks and asks questions implying anything negative, you turn it back on her by being professional, composed, and making her question look stupid. If she gets stroppy, then you go to her line manager to have a word about her disrespectful behaviour and lack of teamworking skills.

Thank you all that really helps. It’s true, I definitely don’t want to try and be someone I’m not by trying to be loud and funny. I always think eventually people will warm to you if you just keep being your authentic self but it’s hard to not feel intimidated, it’s like they sniff you out

Other people see her as fun and you don't, that's ok.

You see yourself as a kind person who still has a laugh, perhaps some others don't, and that's ok too.

Different personalities need to ignore an awful lot and pick their battles, in order to rub along.

I think your friend is a shit stirrer though, repeating overheard conversations.

Agree with what @Opine
Just be neutral. In time you will spot the others who feel the same.

I've met mean types of both sexes plenty of times. The perception of this as 'mean girls' won't help.

I have a motto that tends to work well for me in the workplace unless I'm in meetings or participating in something collaborative: 'head down, mouth shut'. It works for me. Not engaging in gossip and banter is not uncollegial, its professional and called getting on with your job.

Noise-cancelling earphones also help. Just tune out others' BS, you don't report to her.

@DuplicateUserName smirking at people and slagging people off is slightly different to having different personalities.

My friend told me about what was said as she was upset as it was also directed about her, I don’t see how that’s shit stirring.

But thanks for your input

Yes you’re right. I’ll just keep my head down and stay professional. Thanks for this. I also agree with@Opine about ignoring/neutral face. Appreciate the helpful responses everyone

Grey rock, be boring to her. No reactions whatsoever. Stare through her.

No fawning.

I haven't experienced it in the work place I remember a girl at school being like that and I just ignored her because I was quite shy and quiet. I think if I experienced it now I'd say something. Nothing that could stir anything up as such but every time she made that smirking/ I'm superior look I think I'd say 'Blank are you ok, you look a bit pale' it makes her aware you can see the smirk but it comes across like you don't care and to others like you're just a kind concerned colleague!

I guarantee your poker face will be more triggering for her than her smile are for you.

Some people are unstable. They are everywhere and you have to learn to separate your reality from theirs. None of her behaviour has anything to do with you. If you aren’t her therapist and she isn’t paying you then you have no need to take on her issues.

*than her smirks are for you

Yep poker face all the way.

Actually I think she's intimidated by you and your seniority.
She is trying to intimidate you. Just ignore her. Smile and wave. She is nothing to you.

Take your self out of her company, your gut is telling you she is off in her behaviour, trust yourself completely - the doubt these types create in others is how they continue to operate, if necessary document it in a passworded phone app or notebook kept out of the office, then absolute grey rock.

She is in some way jealous of you/threatened by you/bugged by you that she is behaving in this way so stay out of her firing line.

Keep any exchanges with her purely professional. Don't chat to her or gossip, etc in her presence. I had a horrible colleague who was a queen bee type and annoyed that I wouldn't kow tow to her - she wasn't my manager, but I had to work closely with her. I backed off and there was no more chat, etc just work related talk. She eventually blew her top because she wasn't getting a rise from me, etc and she left.

Waited it out. 18 months later, she got sacked for gross misconduct following bullying allegations. That was an amazing day!

Leave. Or move to a dept that's mostly men. Or to a job that's mostly out of the office. It should be easier with flexible working.

The last one I had to deal with, she was ops director and she only ever wore jeans and a sweater. If I wore anything else, she took the mick relentlessly and it got so tedious, four years of constant criticism, I was glad to be furloughed and then redundant.

Some people are just naturally small minded and nasty. Don't let then affect your life.

Just don't get involved with her, engage where you need to for work, be polite and professional other than that ignore her, dont try and get her on side. It is a work place and you don't need to be buddies with everyone. Other people /will know what she is like if they are a good judge of character and they will also clock your professionalism.

Remember it doesn't matter what she says or thinks about you. Everyone knows what she is like and will take everything she says with a pinch of salt.

It doesn't matter whether people at work like you or not. It does matter whether they respect you.

Do your work to a high level competence and be pleasant and professional with everybody that you work with.