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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can you be in love with someone but have to end a relationship?

40 replies

Flowertop123 · 13/01/2023 22:52

That's all I'm asking really -

Can you be in love with someone but have to end a relationship, due to external factors or pressures on the relationship?

I always think if you love someone you make the relationship work regardless. Or has anyone been in a situation where love just isn't enough?

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 13/01/2023 22:58

Yep. Still love him deeply. No way could I have continued a relationship with him. 4 years later time hasn't really healed anything, still hurts unbelievably. Right decision though.

Iamagenius · 13/01/2023 22:59

Yes you can. Still love my first long term partner but circumstances meant it wouldn't have worked.

ladygindiva · 13/01/2023 23:32

Yes. Going through it now. I utterly love him but he is awful with money, can't keep a job, tells lies and keeps financial secrets and creates spiralling debts that he buries his head in the sand about. We have two kids together. I've kicked him out ( I owned my own house before we met) because no man, no matter how much I love him, is worth losing my home or my mental health over. Thank fuck we never married.

ForFuckSteak · 13/01/2023 23:35

Yes because he didn't love me back. Better to be alone than in half a relationship.

Original poster
Flowertop123 · 14/01/2023 07:08

I'm truly gutted that we have come to this. After a difficult Christmas I thought we could get back on track.
I don't know how best to deal with this. Any advice please?

OP posts:
qqq82 · 14/01/2023 07:12

@Flowertop123 I think you will need to add more details regarding the issues before anyone can offer any advice

Original poster
Flowertop123 · 14/01/2023 07:38

I can't really go into details other than my other half of six months has some personal issues that have been bubbling away and are now surfacing, and that he needs to address and focus on.

I know what they are and we have talked about it, but he is saying that he doesn't have the mental capacity for a relationship anymore and wants to split, despite loving me still.

It's a shock and out of the blue, over Christmas we did our own thing and am trying to re-group now in Jan. I just don't know what to say/do/react. I love him dearly too, hence the pain.

OP posts:
365names · 14/01/2023 07:42

6 months in you should be excited and happy.

not stressed

No man is worth your tears and the one that is won’t make you cry

Lolacat1234 · 14/01/2023 07:49

Yes, he made some stupid decisions and didn't prioritise the relationship or his family (putting it lightly and won't go into any more detail). The relationship just died and I ran out of steam to keep trying when it wasn't his main priority.

I was able to find love again but it has always felt unresolved and something I just pack up and put to the back of my mind and try to leave it there as it's too painful to go over.

oviraptor21 · 14/01/2023 07:51

Absolutely.
You can love all sorts of fucked up or unsuitable (for a whole multitude of reasons) people and in those cases it's better to end the relationship.
I loved someone many years ago who was an evangelical Christian. I just couldn't see me spending the rest of my life with him. Didn't stop me loving him and it being heartbreaking at the time.

Woeman · 14/01/2023 07:54

Love is NEVER enough, op. Ever.

oviraptor21 · 14/01/2023 07:55

Depending on how severe the issues, how about a long term separation and review the situation in maybe a year. Gives him time to sort his stuff out. Gives you time to consider your options away from the stress of the relationship. Gives you time to possibly heal and see that life is better or at least OK without him. Gives you both a hope that you can work things out.

theworldhasgoneinsane · 14/01/2023 08:01

Yes of course it's possible. Addiction for example is a big reason for this. They tear relationships apart and no amount of love can make someone stop something if they're not ready

Original poster
Flowertop123 · 14/01/2023 08:20

I don't get it though, that if you are having personal issues you should be able to lean on your bf/gf for support, to take strength and not to just push them away...
I'm really struggling with this 😔

OP posts:
Original poster
Flowertop123 · 14/01/2023 08:21

Flowertop123 · 14/01/2023 08:20

I don't get it though, that if you are having personal issues you should be able to lean on your bf/gf for support, to take strength and not to just push them away...
I'm really struggling with this 😔

Especially if they are willing to support you I meant to say.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 14/01/2023 08:28

This person, six months into the relationship, is dragging you down.

See it as a red flag, there's no point you soldiering on with them bringing you down, making you unhappy because of whatever baggage they're dragging along with them.

why do you think you need to care about their personal issues. Check yourself for Co-dependency and being a rescuer. Wish them well and send them on their merry way. You'll be able to move forward more positively and with greater resilience.

Divebar2021 · 14/01/2023 08:28

There are lots of reasons why you might break up…. My friend broke up with her partner of several years because he didn’t want children. What I would say OP is that what he has said is not necessarily the real reason or a full explanation for the break. You cannot keep 2 people together if only 1 of them wants to be there.

LaLuz7 · 14/01/2023 08:42

Of course you can.

You can be in love with an abuser. A cheater. An addict. Doesn't mean you can stay with them.

Unconditional love is a stupid stupid concept that is deeply unhealthy. There is nothing aspirational about that.

Purplelemons123 · 14/01/2023 08:54

Yes it is absolutely possible to love someone deeply and not be able to make it work. Or to choose not to have a relationship with them. You can be deeply in love with someone and see something that you know you won't be able to live with.
And it is deeply painful to have to break up with someone when you are both in love. I had to do that in December.

I think you probably have to focus on the bit where he said he wants to break up, and ignore the reasons he gave.

People don't always give the actual real reason, they give a reason that they think will cause less pain or can't be counter-argued with.

If his reasons are true then he will come and find you once he has sorted his head out. If not, then it was never going to work anyway.

As to how to get through it, read about the stages of grief, you will go through them in random order, repeat some stages more than once. Keep putting one foot on front of the other, do nice things, see friends, know that you are strong and this is for the best. It will get easier.

Sideorderofchips · 14/01/2023 16:09

Yes. I still love him completely but it had to end as he cheated

Cleotolstoy · 14/01/2023 16:24

It's a dangerous belief that all a relationship needs is one adult. People who find themselves in these dynamics usually have unresolved childhood trauma and are repeating the scenario of trying to garner emotions and nurture from an adult who just doesn't care regardless of what they say.

MrsTerryPratchett · 14/01/2023 16:30

If you get your relationship advice from Disney and Hallmark, yes, love is enough.

IRL boundaries, money, faithfulness, addiction, life goals, family issues, work, a thousand things need to work in order to make relationships healthy. 6 months in no one should be anyone's rock and place to put all their stuff. Even 6 years in you'd want to be careful about that.

It really is better to have loved and lost. That feeling is still wonderful, even when it hurts. But if it doesn't work, it doesn't work, regardless of the love there.

crazeecatladee · 14/01/2023 16:32

Yes definitely. As a student I met the love of my life. We were so compatible but alas it wasn't to be. We kept in touch for years, he came to see my mum before she died, we went on a couple of dates but I got fed up waiting so married someone else who I loved, but wasn't in love with. I still wonder about him......

Jomummy1013 · 14/01/2023 16:35

Yep. I still love my ex husband deeply but things went wrong. 5 years down the line I still love him. I have even had a new partner for some of it but the feelings for my ex won't go away. We were together for 17 years and I think he will always be the love of my life but we outgrew each other and the relationship became toxic. We have three lovely children together who we both adore but I miss him and what we had every single day :( x

Ohgodthepain · 14/01/2023 16:38

Sounds like he may be using it as an excuse to end things .