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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of leaving my husband

69 replies

Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 20:27

Just that really. Together for 14 years. Nice life, 2 kids. We are a regular couple, with a comfortable life. Nothing wrong, but we just drifted apart over the years. Doing couples counselling to help us but I think I have checked out.

My question is: anyone on here who has left a perfectly ok marriage? I believe my husband deserves happiness and I can't give it to him. There is no intimacy (my issue, not his) as I just don't have the need. I feel like I am stringing him along and ultimately wasting his "good years".

Please don't say love is a choice. I know!

I am asking if there is anyone who has left a good enough marriage as they just didn't see themselves staying in the marriage, making everyone miserable? I worry for my kids.

Don't be horrible to me please, I am struggling enough here.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 13/01/2023 20:57

I have so many questions -

Drifted apart in what way? Hobbies? Lack of conversation?

Are you interested in him as person OP? Are you sexually attracted to him? Do you have a fulfilling sex life? I assume not?

Other than things you have (children, material comfort. finances), why do you think this is a good enough marriage on an emotional level?

What are your expectations of a relationship of over a decade?

Are you motivated to be a in a relationship or do you feel 'done' in that respect and are just happy with your children?

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:06

@EarthSight
I think we just lost our way. We have been loving as room mates for past couple of years. We've realised and started counselling to get us back on track but it's doing nothing for me.
I love my husband as a person. There is no better husband to have; he is kind, caring, respectful and heavily involved with the children. We have such a nice life.
I have lost interest in being intimate with him. I don't want to hug or kiss him. He is struggling and often tells me he feels empty and unloved. How do I bring it back? I am trying but his sexual advances (and he is not pushing boundaries) make me cringe.

I could easily live with him as a room mate. As a friend. I don't want to lose him as a person but ultimately know that I can't string him along like this.

We work well as parents. We both work.

We've discussed my expectations of a relationship that has been this long. I long to be loved, which I am, but it's almost like I have lost interest in receiving such love.

I don't know what's happening to me. I really don't know.

OP posts:
Tuilpmouse · 13/01/2023 21:09

We decided to call time on our marriage of 19 years last summer. Like you there was no abuse, no affairs, no betrayal etc. We tried for a good couple of years with much soul searching before we decided to part, but eventually realised my DH and I couldn't live a lie and continue trying to force a relationship that just wasn't there any more.

When I finally accepted this, there was a real sense of relief amongst the grief and sadness of the ending of a relationship. By parting when we did

Tuilpmouse · 13/01/2023 21:11

Sorry, replied too soon...

.... parting when we did, before things become too strained, allowed us to remain on friendly terms, which is healthy for us and our children.

KangarooKenny · 13/01/2023 21:12

How old are you ?
Is there any resentment involved ?

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:18

We are in our mid thirties. My husband still loves me very much and wants to fix things. He is doing everything possible to bring us back to what it used to be like but I just don't feel the love.

We can chat, and we parent well together but as he says that's about it. We parent well. He misses intimacy, partnership.

I am worried about our future. I worry for our children. I feel sad knowing I am making my husband miserable. He is such a good man.

I remember just surviving, raising young kids, constantly tired but never thought we would not be together. It was one day I woke up and realised I had checked out.

What can I do? We have tried date nights, cinema, going out more, spending more time together. Nothing is coming back.

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:19

He sounds like a good man. Do you enjoy his company? Do you have fun together?

The intimacy thing - is it lack of attraction? Or could it be something else putting you off like depression, anxiety, tiredness, hormones?

Fenella123 · 13/01/2023 21:19

Are you on any hormonal contraception? Bit left field, yes, but that can make a difference with emotions and sexual attraction.

VivaVivaa · 13/01/2023 21:22

How old are your DC?

EasilyDistractable · 13/01/2023 21:28

Go while you can still manage a good separation, many people leave it too late and end up resenting each other.

If you can manage a good co-parenting then that is a huge success that many married people don't achieve.
Good luck, be kind to yourself and each other.

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:30

Our children are 2 and 5.
We support each other, have family days out, holidays etc. You would not think there is anything wrong with our marriage. Family and friends often tell us what a beautiful family we are.
I am suffering, drowning in sadness over this whole situation.
I am not on any hormonal contraception and have not been for years. I am not depressed, at least I think I am not.

It's like I woke up one day and realised I want to feel alive again, love again and have fun.

Midlife crisis? Who knows but I am worried I will destroy our family.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 13/01/2023 21:31

He is struggling and often tells me he feels empty and unloved

I know that this feels like. This makes me cry on the inside. The poor guy.

I assume then OP, that you don't find him physically attractive? Did you ever find him physically attractive?

How do you feel in the rest of your life? Are you otherwise content? Do you get excited by your interests?

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:35

Personally I think it's worth trying to find the spark again if you can, in reality no morris fr is a fairy tale so I wouldn't give up without a fight...

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:35

@EarthSight
I don't think I find him attractive but I used to. I was never head over heels with my husband and met him when I was 21.
I am content with life otherwise. I have many hobbies, go out with friends and enjoy my job.

I can see the sadness in my husband's eyes. He cares deeply for me and our family.

I just don't know how to love him again, in s romantic way. And it's not for a lack of trying.

OP posts:
Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:36

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:35

Personally I think it's worth trying to find the spark again if you can, in reality no morris fr is a fairy tale so I wouldn't give up without a fight...

No marriage....

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:38

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:35

Personally I think it's worth trying to find the spark again if you can, in reality no morris fr is a fairy tale so I wouldn't give up without a fight...

I am trying and have been for months. Its getting worse. And what makes it even harder is seeing my husband suffer as a result of my incapability to love him the way he deserves.

I suggested trial separation but he doesn't like the idea.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 13/01/2023 21:40

It's like I woke up one day and realised I want to feel alive again, love again and have fun

Kindly, because I can see you are hurting… I would hazard a guess your marriage is only playing a small part in this. When you said I remember just surviving, raising young kids, constantly tired I assumed you meant your DC were now much, much older than 2 and 5. To me, you are still deep in the trenches of small children. That’s enough to test any relationship. Once again, without meaning to be cruel, but how on earth do you imagine feeling alive again, loving again and having fun will happen when you are a working single parent without a supportive partner? I think you are craving a life that isn’t remotely realistic.

Im not saying you should stay with your DH. But gosh, separating is hard and it really hurts children. Being a single parent is really tough, it’s not an easy route to a fun, single life, I think you really, really need to work out if it truly is just your relationship or you are just stuck on the treadmill of life and need to make other changes, before going all out nuclear.

icouldsohavewrittenthis · 13/01/2023 21:41

@Donotjudgeme This could be me. I have moved out and will start the official process eventually. But I'll do it when my husband is ready emotionally. He's a great man but I've stopped loving him. And it's not coming back. We've tried everything. He really deserves to be loved by someone. Not this that he gets from me. And I want to be able to feel love too.

So, I get you and I know how hard it must be for you. If you're sure this is it, then I'd say go and give you both the chance to be happy. You both deserve it.

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:46

icouldsohavewrittenthis · 13/01/2023 21:41

@Donotjudgeme This could be me. I have moved out and will start the official process eventually. But I'll do it when my husband is ready emotionally. He's a great man but I've stopped loving him. And it's not coming back. We've tried everything. He really deserves to be loved by someone. Not this that he gets from me. And I want to be able to feel love too.

So, I get you and I know how hard it must be for you. If you're sure this is it, then I'd say go and give you both the chance to be happy. You both deserve it.

Do you have any children with your husband? How long did you give it before you made the decision to leave?
I am worried that I will eventually regret the decision, especially as children invovled. Separation would turn their lives upside down. Guess it's only a matter of time before my husband makes the decision to separate anyway, he can't continue living like this, with no love, intimacy and real feelings from me.

OP posts:
tootiredtospeak · 13/01/2023 21:47

I may be going against the grain but you say you want to feel alive feel loved and have fun. You are alive you say he loves you very much and that you have fun together as a family so to me you are contradicting yourself and not really making sense. 2 and 5 is young I think they deserve you giving it the best you can. What about counselling on your own to try and figure out what it is your lacking. To me you sound bored and unfulfilled like you are searching for that magic spark that comes with an early relationship. But the grass really isnt always greener.

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:47

Could you be unintentionally putting too much pressure on it? The elephant in the room?

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:50

tootiredtospeak · 13/01/2023 21:47

I may be going against the grain but you say you want to feel alive feel loved and have fun. You are alive you say he loves you very much and that you have fun together as a family so to me you are contradicting yourself and not really making sense. 2 and 5 is young I think they deserve you giving it the best you can. What about counselling on your own to try and figure out what it is your lacking. To me you sound bored and unfulfilled like you are searching for that magic spark that comes with an early relationship. But the grass really isnt always greener.

I should have said we go out as a family and have holidays but I often feel so alone, even with my husband present. I want to love him, I just don't know how.
Wanting to be loved and have fun - I want to be able to reciprocate that feeling of love.
I am not giving up on our marriage and am trying real hard to work out what the heck has happened to me.

OP posts:
DieselBlue89 · 13/01/2023 21:51

VivaVivaa · 13/01/2023 21:40

It's like I woke up one day and realised I want to feel alive again, love again and have fun

Kindly, because I can see you are hurting… I would hazard a guess your marriage is only playing a small part in this. When you said I remember just surviving, raising young kids, constantly tired I assumed you meant your DC were now much, much older than 2 and 5. To me, you are still deep in the trenches of small children. That’s enough to test any relationship. Once again, without meaning to be cruel, but how on earth do you imagine feeling alive again, loving again and having fun will happen when you are a working single parent without a supportive partner? I think you are craving a life that isn’t remotely realistic.

Im not saying you should stay with your DH. But gosh, separating is hard and it really hurts children. Being a single parent is really tough, it’s not an easy route to a fun, single life, I think you really, really need to work out if it truly is just your relationship or you are just stuck on the treadmill of life and need to make other changes, before going all out nuclear.

Totally agree with this. Sorry you're feeling this way 💐

Talkwhilstyouwalk · 13/01/2023 21:52

VivaVivaa · 13/01/2023 21:40

It's like I woke up one day and realised I want to feel alive again, love again and have fun

Kindly, because I can see you are hurting… I would hazard a guess your marriage is only playing a small part in this. When you said I remember just surviving, raising young kids, constantly tired I assumed you meant your DC were now much, much older than 2 and 5. To me, you are still deep in the trenches of small children. That’s enough to test any relationship. Once again, without meaning to be cruel, but how on earth do you imagine feeling alive again, loving again and having fun will happen when you are a working single parent without a supportive partner? I think you are craving a life that isn’t remotely realistic.

Im not saying you should stay with your DH. But gosh, separating is hard and it really hurts children. Being a single parent is really tough, it’s not an easy route to a fun, single life, I think you really, really need to work out if it truly is just your relationship or you are just stuck on the treadmill of life and need to make other changes, before going all out nuclear.

I second this. It is tough, the kids come first....you put each other last. You've lost your way but you might be able to find it again. It's a massive thing to separate when young kids are concerned, I'm not saying "stick it out" as such, but equally I wouldn't give up just yet.....

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 21:53

tootiredtospeak · 13/01/2023 21:47

I may be going against the grain but you say you want to feel alive feel loved and have fun. You are alive you say he loves you very much and that you have fun together as a family so to me you are contradicting yourself and not really making sense. 2 and 5 is young I think they deserve you giving it the best you can. What about counselling on your own to try and figure out what it is your lacking. To me you sound bored and unfulfilled like you are searching for that magic spark that comes with an early relationship. But the grass really isnt always greener.

The grass can't be greener. I really do have the "perfect" husband. There are not many guys like him out there and I know it. We rarely argue, almost never. We have a good life. A comfortable life as we both earn well.

I don't know what has gone into me. I feel so lost.

OP posts: