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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thinking of leaving my husband

69 replies

Donotjudgeme · 13/01/2023 20:27

Just that really. Together for 14 years. Nice life, 2 kids. We are a regular couple, with a comfortable life. Nothing wrong, but we just drifted apart over the years. Doing couples counselling to help us but I think I have checked out.

My question is: anyone on here who has left a perfectly ok marriage? I believe my husband deserves happiness and I can't give it to him. There is no intimacy (my issue, not his) as I just don't have the need. I feel like I am stringing him along and ultimately wasting his "good years".

Please don't say love is a choice. I know!

I am asking if there is anyone who has left a good enough marriage as they just didn't see themselves staying in the marriage, making everyone miserable? I worry for my kids.

Don't be horrible to me please, I am struggling enough here.

OP posts:
botleybump · 14/01/2023 08:14

Have you tried dates with a little more purpose?
If you're good at talking/spending time together, dinner dates and cinema won't fix things as those connections aren't broken.
When we build those 'sexy' or partner feelings for somebody early on it's usually the adventure/scary/challenging moments that we find them in.
Seeing people in different situations makes you see them differently, and all the hormones/emotions in your body cause different bits to light up.
Maybe try some adventurous dates? Try learning something new together? Something that scares you?

It can be tough to see your partner in a different light when you've been together so long and fallen in to the monotony of family life.

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 14/01/2023 11:34

larkstar · 14/01/2023 00:14

Spell it out in concrete terms if you can - what do you want? Out of life for yourself? Out of a relationship? So - assume you separate - what are you going to do with yourself - how will that help? What did you want out of a relationship when you first got involved with your partner? Why do you dismiss the idea of depression? What else is going on in your life - health, work, parents, siblings, close friends? Is someone you know having a better life/relationship than you - is they something or someone that’s making you think about your own situation? Is there anything interesting to talk about in relation to you growing up - sibling or parent die, divorce, childhood illness? I think you need to get to the bottom of what is making you feel this way. In the long term, relationships change - later on, they are rarely what they were at the beginning and while you can have an affectionate attachment to some aspects of your early relationship perhaps what you can’t see or appreciate now is that there can be other, different, very rewarding aspects that appear later in your relationship if, I suppose, you can grow your relationship in the right way: I speak as someone who has been in a relationship since we were 12 and are now 61- every year they are new things we learn about how to make the relationship work - relationships are complicated, hard to understand, full of contradictions and they are forever changing and they need work to make them work - if you believe in the benefits of being in a relationship and I think we both do. Don’t jack your relationship in unless you really understand what the problem is and have a fairly clear idea about how splitting up is going to allow you to feel more fulfilled or give you the chance you think you want. If couples counselling isn’t working for you can’t you bring up the idea of having some talking therapy just for yourself? You have 2 young kids - it’s not easy on top of working. You say you don’t argue much if at all - my personal view is that might not be as healthy a sign as you think or would like to think. I know we need - what can I best call it - healthy honest - neither of us are never not going to say what is on our mind - honest conversations are part of our everyday relationship but “being totally honesty” with each other is not a weapon to attack or hurt the other person, it’s not to release some pent up anxiety we we can’t contain - it’s the stuff that your partner needs to hear, to be aware of so that they are perfectly clear about how you feel about something - about something that’s missing, lacking, not how you would ideally like it to be or something that’s irritating - it didn’t matter how hard those conversations are and tbh these days there’s nothing much that’s that difficult to raise and talk about - but that’s where we are - I don’t believe we could be where we are now without the disagreements, fall outs, arguments and brutal honesty so that’s the one thing that struck out for me - if you’re not being totally open and honest with each other how can you really know each other and if you don’t know each other how can you meet each others deepest needs? If you don’t know yourself - how can you also meet your own needs?

I actually am in therapy and have been for past year or so. A lot has come up, from childhood to my life being in crisis. I have been working through it all.

@Mark19735 Absolutely. I do not want to string my husband along, knowing he needs intimacy. Who doesn't. I want it myself, but I have seemed to put up some kind of a barrier and the more he wants it, the less interested I am. I don't want him to kiss me. I don't long for his touch.

I am aware long term relationships are never the same as they were at the beginning. I am not naive to think that there is somebody better suited for me! There is not. However, when I speak with friends they all say they can't imagine their lives without their wives/husbands. I can but I don't want to lose his friendship, I don't want our children to lose the family unit.

I appreciate all your responses, really do. I am fighting and will not give up easily. It's just hard seeing DH so sad (rightfully). He is devastated but working hard, along with me, to bring the spark back!

The question is; can it be done?

OP posts:
Eleganz · 14/01/2023 11:42

Time is a key thing here. How long have you felt this way, how long have you had no intimacy and how long have you been trying to fix it?

My view is that your marriage does deserve a decent effort to save it as you have a lot of good things in it worth saving. However, if you have been working on this for a long time and have not seen any improvement then you have to think about whether it is time to move on, but be realistic about your life after divorce - managing the two kids on your own, having to deal with time apart from them and having to manage a co-parenting relationship with someone who it sounds like will be devastated by the end of the relationship.

Ihaventgottimeforthis · 14/01/2023 12:00

Something that a friend said to me just before she split with her husband is that she was looking ahead to ten years time when their daughter was leaving home and it was just the two of them and she was just dreading it, the boredom, the low-level irritation, the utter lack of interest in having a life together.
And comparing that to me perhaps looking forward with anticipation to getting our coupled life back, even though me & DH might be in the doldrums a bit at the mo.
Maybe we should call the first decade of child rearing The Obama Years.

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 14/01/2023 12:06

Mark19735 · 13/01/2023 23:31

Sounds like you want a friendship, and he's able to fulfil that.
But he also wants intimacy, and you're not able to fulfil that, although you seem quite accepting that what he desires is not unreasonable.

The French (reputedly) have found ways round this conundrum ... Maybe encourage him to have an affair? Or visit a prostitute? Or if you think he wouldn't - maybe hire an escort for him as a gift?

If this suggestion doesn't fill you with horror - then that's a pretty clear sign. And if it does - that's a sign too.

I have suggested to him to find somebody who can fulfill that need for him. He looked horrified and equally upset as I pretty much suggested I would not mind for him to have somebody else. The thought does not fill me with horror. The thought of my kids being looked after by the other woman kills me though.

It's a terrible situation I have put us both in and I don't know how to fix it.

OP posts:
BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/01/2023 12:10

@Donotjudgeme

Hello again OP.

There is something about the way you describe your DH as "perfect" and the way you say you "never argue" that really jumps out at me here.

I wonder if that "perfection" is in some way linked to the total lack of desire.

It all sounds rather sanitised and flat to me. Kind of perfect but dead.

You are out and about with this perfect husband and perfect little family but inside you feel so disconnected and dead to it all.

Compare with a more ordinary couple where someone might say - we went out, bloody DH forget the waterproofs honest to god he drives me crazy! I am so sick of him forgetting basic stuff and having to remember it all. We had a Barney in the car but tried to keep the lid on it in front of the kids.

We had a good time at the sea world centre but slightly marred by Freddie being a total brat and having a tantrum when we wouldn't buy him four scoops of icecream in his cone.

But we had a laugh and it was good to get out - on the way back we got fish and chips and we were singing along to abba and it was lovely.

Once we got home it was the evening routine slog to get the DCs to bed - Lottie screaming because we lost her nightlight, thank god found after 15 mins - and by the time DH and I sat down to tv and 🍷 we were knackered. We went to bad and sex was mostly not on my agenda but DH looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and went diving down under the duvet - and well let's say I soon was in the mood.

That kind of narrative, a mix of the good and bad the rough and tumble ...

You sound very disconnected in the way you talk about family life and that might be more to do with you really than whether your marriage is any good or not.

I wonder if you and your dh need some real life engagement- the good the bad and the ugly?

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 14/01/2023 12:50

BumpyaDaisyevna · 14/01/2023 12:10

@Donotjudgeme

Hello again OP.

There is something about the way you describe your DH as "perfect" and the way you say you "never argue" that really jumps out at me here.

I wonder if that "perfection" is in some way linked to the total lack of desire.

It all sounds rather sanitised and flat to me. Kind of perfect but dead.

You are out and about with this perfect husband and perfect little family but inside you feel so disconnected and dead to it all.

Compare with a more ordinary couple where someone might say - we went out, bloody DH forget the waterproofs honest to god he drives me crazy! I am so sick of him forgetting basic stuff and having to remember it all. We had a Barney in the car but tried to keep the lid on it in front of the kids.

We had a good time at the sea world centre but slightly marred by Freddie being a total brat and having a tantrum when we wouldn't buy him four scoops of icecream in his cone.

But we had a laugh and it was good to get out - on the way back we got fish and chips and we were singing along to abba and it was lovely.

Once we got home it was the evening routine slog to get the DCs to bed - Lottie screaming because we lost her nightlight, thank god found after 15 mins - and by the time DH and I sat down to tv and 🍷 we were knackered. We went to bad and sex was mostly not on my agenda but DH looked at me with a twinkle in his eye and went diving down under the duvet - and well let's say I soon was in the mood.

That kind of narrative, a mix of the good and bad the rough and tumble ...

You sound very disconnected in the way you talk about family life and that might be more to do with you really than whether your marriage is any good or not.

I wonder if you and your dh need some real life engagement- the good the bad and the ugly?

We rarely argue, I can't remember the last time we had an argument. We don't disagree on things and just get on with things.

I am fully aware the issue we are having is entirely mine. I have a loving husband, who provides (I do work as well so am not financially dependant on him). We have a really good life, at least I think what we have can be considered good life. Our kids have a stable home, with trips, holidays and play dates.

I often long for some time to myself. We are always together. I have a couple of hobbies I enjoy and do weekly.

It's the intimacy and being romantic partners that's slowly killing our marriage. I don't want to lose any of the good things we have, but I don't know how to bring the spark back.

When I read your comment of your husband going under the blanket, well I cringed. However, and I will get slated for this, I can imagine doing that with other man. I don't know what's making me not wanting my husband in this way!

OP posts:
JJ8765 · 14/01/2023 13:31

I felt like this and never got the spark back. TBH it has happened to me in a few LTR I don’t think I’m cut out to live with people I want to be intimate with. Statistics show over 1/4 relationships are sexless for 30/40’s. French accept this and have affairs they don’t have the same unrealistic expectations about LTR. I have many female friends who find sex with their husbands a chore. Great for those who make it work but for the rest of us more acceptance that many relationships have a shelf life. divorce rates for your age group are over 40% so you aren’t unusual or failing you are just human and honest about something many couples cover up or just put up with. If you have tried and done therapy then it’s probably futile. It’s odd people will say you should keep trying but then make assumptions coparenting is going to be impossible. I find coparenting much easier than trying to revive a relationship that’s done or pretending to have the perfect marriage to the outside world. Why would you put less effort into being good coparents than you have so far to other parts of your lives together. No one is making anyone else unhappy. I’m not on eggshells waiting for ex to have an affair or leave or take his unhappiness out on me by sniping etc. The guilt has gone. The DC are fine and probably more prepared for life’s harsh reality than I was at their age. Im not even looking for a new relationship I’m just relieved the stress of trying to keep a dead marriage going is over. For the first time in my adult life I’m not trying to find a partner or keep a partner and I’m the most content with myself I’ve ever been.

walkinthewoodstoday · 14/01/2023 18:45

I think i would stay if you got on and we're friends but that's just me. I wish that I could stay with mine but he is mean and shows contempt. If he were a nice man and we had a nice life, I wouldn't rock the boat. But that probably won't be a popular response. Maybe do a pros and cons and be pragmatic

icouldsohavewrittenthis · 14/01/2023 18:58

@JJ8765 Thank you! Such a level headed comment. The ones who've reacted worst to my decision to leave have been those I know are unhappy themselves. I have friends in amazing marriages and they've all been supportive. To me, it's been a relief to not have to live a lie. And co-parenting is great.

wouldukissafrog · 14/01/2023 19:02

F

Hopelessromatic · 14/01/2023 19:05

It seems to me that maybe you were never truly in love with your husband and just love him as a person but your not in love with him . I don't think you can force that and you'll never be in love with him but love him only . Your too young to stay in this type of marriage and it really not fair on him . If you really loved him ,you wouldn't be thinking about leaving the marriage . I'm sorry this has happened to you ,but I don't think you can fix this .

BMrs · 14/01/2023 19:15

Sorry you're in such a hard position. If I was you, I would consider counselling on your own. Try to figure out why you have suddenly woke and started to feel that way.

Hope you find the answers you need to make things work.

KateBalesCardi · 14/01/2023 23:34

I appreciate all your responses, really do. I am fighting and will not give up easily. It's just hard seeing DH so sad (rightfully). He is devastated but working hard, along with me, to bring the spark back! The question is; can it be done?

Short answer, yes it can be done. I've felt like this at more than one point in my (20yr) marriage and honestly the first couple of times I was 100% sure the spark wasn't ever coming back, but it did. We went 4 years with no intimacy/sex at one stage, looking back I have no idea how we stayed together but I'm so, so glad we did.

Things that helped: kids getting older, not a quick improvement but it does get gradually easier to find some time for yourselves and each other as they grow. Coming off the pill, I saw a PP ask whether you are on hormonal contraception but I don't think you answered, I didn't realise how completely it killed both my sex drive and my affection for my DH until I stopped taking it.

The last one happened by accident in my case but it's basically to try and reconnect with what made you fall in love to begin with. We both loved music and spent hours when we were first together just listening to records and sharing the stuff we liked. I had an awesome sound system back then (sold when we had DC and needed the cash) and saw the exact same one advertised on FB for £50 (!!) one day a couple of years back so I bought it. Then we unearthed all the vinyl and CD's from the loft and spent weeks working our way through them and talking about all the memories they brought back from when we were first together. That had a much bigger effect than I thought possible, it reminded us both of who we were before kids and life took over.

Only you know whether any of that is relevant or helpful in your case, I would never advise anyone to stay in a relationship they're unhappy in but I just wanted you to know its not necessarily hopeless even if it feels completely dead in the water. I also think you should give the possibility of depression being a factor some thought, some of what you've written sounds very similar to symptoms I've had with depression.

Hadtochangeforthisone · 14/01/2023 23:48

There is literally no better phrase than 'fake it till you make it '..

I didn't..
Babies came and they were my everything.. foci right off DH ..

Divorce

New DH ..
Amazing sex ... but massive MH issues .. which has lead to no sex for 7 years... you reap
WhAt you sow...

Entirely my
Fault ..
Should have had more patience...

larkstar · 15/01/2023 00:38

@Donotjudgeme Six separate posters mentioned depression and you've not responded to that - why? Do you have a problem with that suggestion? I can say that my daughter probably wouldn't be alive today we're it not for - in truth many links in a chain that helped her and helped her help herself to survive anorexia that was at one point, life threatening - one of the links in that chain was a period of several months on an antidepressant - by way of example. You, as was the case with my daughter, may not realise how your perception and hence understanding of so many things, including your feelings - it's not just about mood - is altered by depression - she was many things including emotionless, resigned/fatalistic and lacking in empathy and foresight. I'd be surprised if your doctor has not talked to you about depression unless you have not seen them or you have avoided the conversation. If you are saying that what you have tried so far is not working perhaps you need to try our think about other approaches - or maybe you are overlooking something or not attaching enough importance to something. You've posted here, asking for opinions and, to me, add you've described your situation - something doesn't seem to add up - unless, as I and others have suggested, probably in the light of our own very real experiences of life, it's depression or it could be many other things to do with something that had happened in your life that has affected the way your form (or otherwise) close relationships with people - is your self esteem low for any particular reason - I have several closer family members and long standing friends that I know very well who have all been profoundly affected by things that happened in their childhood - caustic parents, painful divorces, domineering parents, domestic violence, alcoholism, childhood illness, constant insecurity, early death of a parent or sibling, all sorts, it's a very long list: I'm sure I'm not alone in knowing people - maybe you also know people who are so profoundly affected by events from years ago that it affects them in adult life - could that also be you? You tell us - we don't know you from Adam - we could all be barking up the wrong tree of we can't see the full picture.

Opentooffers · 15/01/2023 00:44

Have you looked into any possible medical reasons? Get a general health check at your GP's. Have your bloods checked, vit D, thyroid function, blood count etc. You never know, it may turn up something that explains it.
Apart from that, it doesn't sound like you were all that into him when you met and maybe he's always been a safe haven to you - not very romantic that. You don't have the fun wow factor that is usual at the start, as a memory to look back on to carry you through the harder times after DC. The butterflies go over time, but if they were never there in the first place, there was always something missing, which has become more obvious with time.

Original poster
Donotjudgeme · 15/01/2023 08:58

larkstar · 15/01/2023 00:38

@Donotjudgeme Six separate posters mentioned depression and you've not responded to that - why? Do you have a problem with that suggestion? I can say that my daughter probably wouldn't be alive today we're it not for - in truth many links in a chain that helped her and helped her help herself to survive anorexia that was at one point, life threatening - one of the links in that chain was a period of several months on an antidepressant - by way of example. You, as was the case with my daughter, may not realise how your perception and hence understanding of so many things, including your feelings - it's not just about mood - is altered by depression - she was many things including emotionless, resigned/fatalistic and lacking in empathy and foresight. I'd be surprised if your doctor has not talked to you about depression unless you have not seen them or you have avoided the conversation. If you are saying that what you have tried so far is not working perhaps you need to try our think about other approaches - or maybe you are overlooking something or not attaching enough importance to something. You've posted here, asking for opinions and, to me, add you've described your situation - something doesn't seem to add up - unless, as I and others have suggested, probably in the light of our own very real experiences of life, it's depression or it could be many other things to do with something that had happened in your life that has affected the way your form (or otherwise) close relationships with people - is your self esteem low for any particular reason - I have several closer family members and long standing friends that I know very well who have all been profoundly affected by things that happened in their childhood - caustic parents, painful divorces, domineering parents, domestic violence, alcoholism, childhood illness, constant insecurity, early death of a parent or sibling, all sorts, it's a very long list: I'm sure I'm not alone in knowing people - maybe you also know people who are so profoundly affected by events from years ago that it affects them in adult life - could that also be you? You tell us - we don't know you from Adam - we could all be barking up the wrong tree of we can't see the full picture.

I have not dismissed depression but I do not think depression is the issue. I have been having counselling for past year or so which have identified issues from my childhood and early adulthood that I am working on and trying to understand.

I am fully aware that children, especially young children put a huge strain on marriages so this is something we are also trying to sort out - we have a great babysitter and use her at last once a month so we can go out as a couple.

I really appreciate your post and will defo look more deeply into my own well-being. I am an active person, with quite a few hobbies I enjoy as they allow me to be my own person.

Reconnecting @KateBalesCardi , perhaps something we need to try! We used to play board games before we had kids and spent time just drinking and chatting.

Anyway, thank you to everyone for your responses.

OP posts:
YourMellowRedMoose · 23/11/2024 14:45

Hi OP - it would be great to hear how this turned out as I’m feeling the same about my DH…

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