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Original poster

Is this over?

53 replies

Morello339 · 13/01/2023 19:01

Brief background.

Met my boyfriend just over 3 years ago on a night out, and since then our relationship has been almost perfect. We have the odd tiff but feel like we genuinely love and trust each other.

He takes care of me in all possible ways, goes out of his way to make sure I'm ok, Just really is a lovely guy ..

Here's the problem, he lives over an hour away from me and earns a lot more.

He wants us(me and my 2 children 9 and 11) to move to a place closer to him, and we've always spoken about it like it's a given.

Last night we spoke, and I asked about how finances would work. He asked how I thought they should. I said either proportionately (he earns 3 times what I do) or all money into a joint account and then we just both have access to the money once bills are paid. He found this almost unbelievable, and couldn't even consider that as a reasonable option. He said - I will always pay more but not necessarily proportion, and if you ever need anything you only need ask and I will help you out.

It turned into an argument.

I own my home, afford it comfortably and have a very easy commute to work...I cannot afford to live where he wants to live . If we separate I would gave to rebuild my life all over again.

So, tomorrow I tell him I can't see a way our relationship can work, making myself emotionally and financially vulnerable while he makes no sacrifices just isn't an option.

Am I being unreasonable? He won't move somewhere cheaper as the commute would be too much.

I'm feeling incredibly sad and anxious, as I love him so much.

OP posts:
NoraEphronsNeck · 13/01/2023 19:17

He won't move because his commute will increase but you don't get the same consideration?

You would be crazy to give up your own home and independence and stability for your children no matter how good the relationship.

As you say you'd be making yourself vulnerable - which also jeopardises your children's future.

Please don't do this.

Coffeellama · 13/01/2023 19:20

You’d be crazy to give up your home and move your kids for a man. I don’t really understand your argument yesterday from what you’ve written though

pinneddownbytabbies · 13/01/2023 19:22

Seems to me that by moving you in he would be better off in all respects. He expects you to contribute to household bills, which will reduce his outgoings. Not sure how well that sits with me, to be honest.

ICanHideButICantRun · 13/01/2023 19:25

He'd be much better off if you moved in. You would be much worse off and would have no security whatsoever. Don't do it!

If you really like him you could just continue to date him, but you'd both know there wasn't a future, so that would inevitably lead to problems.

FunnyWorldWeLiveIn · 13/01/2023 19:25

Wow. Don't move.
Dumb him and find someone else.

beastlyslumber · 13/01/2023 19:25

Don't move in with him. You don't have to break up with him but keep homes and finances separate.

pictoosh · 13/01/2023 19:28

Yanbu! Do not throw your lot in for someone who won't compromise and expects you to make huge decisions based on vague promises of seeing you right. That's not sensible.

Appleass · 13/01/2023 19:29

NO ! Stay put and keep yours and your children stability, if you mean that much to him he would mover to you !

Original poster
Morello339 · 13/01/2023 19:29

Thank you for your replies. It became an argument because he couldn't see how it was unreasonable to expect me to do those things when it was moving to a better area, a bigger house etc and he would be contributing more.

His view is, he will pay more than 50% of the bills so he's already 'helping me out', but doesn't help me as my outgoings will be more than they are now so I'm not better off.

I know you're all right, I just needed to hear it. I know he won't want to break up, and will probably offer me whatever I want to avoid that happening...but I don't want to have emotionally blackmailed him into a situation he doesn't want.

I guess we don't want the same things.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 13/01/2023 19:30

He's not even inviting you to move in - he wants you to finance a move to be closer to him. He must consider himself quite the prize. Is he?

Coffeellama · 13/01/2023 19:31

What did he say when you pointed out that your outgoings will increase? Why will they increase?

glitterfarts · 13/01/2023 19:31

Don't move your kids from school and friends for a boyfriend!

pictoosh · 13/01/2023 19:32

I mean an hour's distance isn't insurmountable. I don't even see it's neccessary.

Slimjimtobe · 13/01/2023 19:36

I wouldn’t give up my security and independence and happiness of your kids / easy commute for this (though it must be so hard as you love him so big feelings in the way)

but I just wouldn’t

Neveragain85 · 13/01/2023 19:38

It sounds like there's some manipulation going on from him. This would concern me as to his true agenda

MMmomDD · 13/01/2023 19:38

@Morello339

I think you need to stop and not react emotionally here, which you seem to be about to do.
And I think the two of you need to have a more in depth conversation about finances, as it’s clear that there are misunderstandings on both sides.

He - needs to have a better transparency- as I don’t think he quite appreciates the point that you are making yourself vulnerable by moving into a more expensive area. And you need to be able to explain what it actually means for you - your monthly outgoings, your extra commute time/cost, etc. Vs your income. There is also, I presume - impact on the kids as they have to move schools.

And you also need to understand his side.

I think - this combining households may be premature. And I do think it’s a little bit too early to expect a full merging of finances. It’s only been 3 years. You aren’t yet talking about getting married. He does make significantly more than you, and you have kids to support.
You can see why anyone - not just him - would be careful about fully combining finances at that stage. No one wants to feel used.

But - he does seem to be a decent guy - by your description of the relationship. So I am sure he will be open to be discussing options so that YOU don’t get financially disadvantaged by the move.

Don’t just throw your toys out the the pram - you have a good relationship, so should be able to discuss issues that come up. This is what adults in relationships do.

hoven · 13/01/2023 19:39

You need to be married before you consider moving your children

doitwithlove · 13/01/2023 19:39

Relationship are about compromising, doesn't read to me that he is interested in compromising.

I would be giving him the heave ho unfortunately.

Original poster
Morello339 · 13/01/2023 19:40

We are moving somewhere near the middle, but just in a more convenient commuter link for him. My kids won't move school, as I'll still drive back for work and drop them on the way.

My outgoings will increase as the mortgage payments is over double what mine is now, so even just that is more. My commute would add extra fuel costs.

When I pointed out that my outgoings would be almost unmanageable for me he just reiterated that he would always help me out. I need more security than that though. I think deep down he wants to say something along the lines of 'it's his money' or similar but he never has.

It's going to be a rough day tomorrow. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
HappiestHippo123 · 13/01/2023 19:44

Are you both planning on selling your houses to fund the deposit for the purchase?

MMmomDD · 13/01/2023 19:50

@Morello339
Saw your update. So - you have discussed the outgoings. But it seems to have escalated into an argument quickly.
I am guessing - this conversation is something neither of you planned to have and neither were ready. And you arrived at it with your personal assumptions of what it fair.
And I do think your fears on both sides -
….yours - about financial stability, especially as you have kids to support
….his - about being potentially used for his money
These fears have clashed.

In your place - I’d still try to have a conversation about what is fair in this move. I do think he quite gets the pressure of supporting yourself and your kids. And the need for financial stability.
I’d try to communicate that.
And I’d also say that from your side of things - as you don’t need to move - it’s it unfair to do anything that would worsen your financial situation. And ask him if he would consider it fair.
Then see what he says

Laurdo · 13/01/2023 19:51

Morello339 · 13/01/2023 19:40

We are moving somewhere near the middle, but just in a more convenient commuter link for him. My kids won't move school, as I'll still drive back for work and drop them on the way.

My outgoings will increase as the mortgage payments is over double what mine is now, so even just that is more. My commute would add extra fuel costs.

When I pointed out that my outgoings would be almost unmanageable for me he just reiterated that he would always help me out. I need more security than that though. I think deep down he wants to say something along the lines of 'it's his money' or similar but he never has.

It's going to be a rough day tomorrow. Thanks everyone

So he wants to leave you in a position where you need to ask him for money like a parent and child relationship?That's a red flag.

For someone who has their own home, own job ans has raised 2 kids I'd find it quite demoralising to have to ask for money all the time.

You seem to be making all the sacrifices here while he's making none.

thunderstruckk · 13/01/2023 19:53

It's a tough one - from an outsiders perspective I'd be assuming he thinks proportionally won't work as you're three people (you plus two DC) vs his one. After 3 years the financial taking on of someone else's two children is quite something, especially to either pool all money or pay proportionally more when it involves DC.

I'd think he doesn't see you as a family with family money (which after 3 years I probably wouldn't in his position) but then that makes me wonder what your future holds - I wouldn't be moving my children away from friends and giving up my own home for someone who didn't see us as a unit.

Original poster
Morello339 · 13/01/2023 19:56

MMmomDD · 13/01/2023 19:50

@Morello339
Saw your update. So - you have discussed the outgoings. But it seems to have escalated into an argument quickly.
I am guessing - this conversation is something neither of you planned to have and neither were ready. And you arrived at it with your personal assumptions of what it fair.
And I do think your fears on both sides -
….yours - about financial stability, especially as you have kids to support
….his - about being potentially used for his money
These fears have clashed.

In your place - I’d still try to have a conversation about what is fair in this move. I do think he quite gets the pressure of supporting yourself and your kids. And the need for financial stability.
I’d try to communicate that.
And I’d also say that from your side of things - as you don’t need to move - it’s it unfair to do anything that would worsen your financial situation. And ask him if he would consider it fair.
Then see what he says

I can see his issue with paying out to support us. He won't struggle, he has a 6 figure salary but i understand him feeling put upon. The real crux of it is that I CAN'T afford to move to the area he is willing to move to but I can afford to stay where I am. I only need his support in order to enable us to live where he wants to. We both want to buy a house together, be a family, get married. And just to answer, yes we are both intending to sell up and combine.

My heart hurts even writing this, because I know I won't jeopardise my children's security to live with him. I suppose my relationship is over. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 13/01/2023 20:00

"We are moving somewhere near the middle, but just in a more convenient commuter link for him. My kids won't move school, as I'll still drive back for work and drop them on the way.
My outgoings will increase as the mortgage payments is over double what mine is now, so even just that is more. My commute would add extra fuel costs.
When I pointed out that my outgoings would be almost unmanageable for me he just reiterated that he would always help me out."

Will he though? Always? What if he doesn't?
What if circumstances change? What if he has his head turned a year down the line and wants someone else to be the recipient of his 'helping out' arrangement?

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