Is this over?

[Morello339]

Brief background.

Met my boyfriend just over 3 years ago on a night out, and since then our relationship has been almost perfect. We have the odd tiff but feel like we genuinely love and trust each other.

He takes care of me in all possible ways, goes out of his way to make sure I'm ok, Just really is a lovely guy ..

Here's the problem, he lives over an hour away from me and earns a lot more.

He wants us(me and my 2 children 9 and 11) to move to a place closer to him, and we've always spoken about it like it's a given.

Last night we spoke, and I asked about how finances would work. He asked how I thought they should. I said either proportionately (he earns 3 times what I do) or all money into a joint account and then we just both have access to the money once bills are paid. He found this almost unbelievable, and couldn't even consider that as a reasonable option. He said - I will always pay more but not necessarily proportion, and if you ever need anything you only need ask and I will help you out.

It turned into an argument.

I own my home, afford it comfortably and have a very easy commute to work...I cannot afford to live where he wants to live . If we separate I would gave to rebuild my life all over again.

So, tomorrow I tell him I can't see a way our relationship can work, making myself emotionally and financially vulnerable while he makes no sacrifices just isn't an option.

Am I being unreasonable? He won't move somewhere cheaper as the commute would be too much.

I'm feeling incredibly sad and anxious, as I love him so much.

Thank you for making the right decision for you and your DCs OP.

So often you read threads and they are a clear consequence of people ignoring warning signals or not discussing finances before making the joint purchases.

It will hurt now, but far better than realising too late that you squandered the DCs and your own financial security.

You wouldn't be the person he loves if you were willing to jeopardise your children's security for him. It sad, but it is his lack of commitment to you and your children that has created this issue, its not on you. If he is not willing to compromise his position, but expects you and your children to do so, he's not worth it.

I don't think he wants to '''be a family''' does he?

He wants a 'me v you 3' situation in which you can go cap in hand to him to ask for more gruel when you are desperate

Fuck that

This is how it escalated into an argument, because this was my argument. I won't be putting myself in a situation where 'asking' to be helped out is my only way to afford to live.

I work full time time in a masters level qualified profession. I earn a reasonable wage, just nowhere near his. I'm not a scrounger trying to find a meal ticket.

I knew the answer already, I knew it the minute we argued.

I just needed to talk about it. I can't talk about it with my family, they won't understand.

Thank you everybody.

I wouldn't consider continuing a relationship on this basis. He fundamentally doesn't view you as an equal. On the one hand 3 years is not long and I can understand someone not feeling ready to combine their life and finances and take that big step yet...but he does want to take the next step. He wants all the benefits of a live-in partner and a readymade family, but none of the actual commitment. He wants to retain all his freedom and wealth, whilst you sign yours (and your children's) away. You can't meaningfully share a life with someone when you both have very different levels of wealth and independence. That's not a relationship of equals. What is he going to do with all this money that he doesn't want to share with you? Does he not see you as a permanent fixture in his life?

Aw please do not give up your independence and security just for a bloke. You are uprooting your children and it's not even going to make you all better off for a better life. It comes at a huge price and it's not worth it.

Why don't you rent your house out and move in with him - he buys?

Don't think it's over, if you turkey love each other then it can work. And you won't have to jeopardise your children's stability x

That was meant to say truly not turkey!!!

Agree with a pp.

Offer to move with him, he buys the house, in his name, and pays all the mortgage. Then you rent your house out.

Go 70/30, 60/40 or whatever on the rest of the bills, proportionate to what you earn.
Then you both have your financial security in the case of a split.

I don't think either of you are wrong. I think you both just have different approaches to what is and isn't fair.

I think you are being hasty in giving up the relationship. It’s really worth carrying on talking to see if you can find a way of making it work that you are comfortable with.

Money is a finite resource OP.
It doesn't make you happy but lack of it destroys you.

You have kids.

Either you marry first with all the financial security that comes with it or you have to protect yourself.

It doesn't have to be over, it just has to be you are not a push over. It's you and two kids, that trumps his wonderful wage.

You op where I hope to be in a couple of years. We're just over an hour away. I hope he'd move closer to me, he'd buy and I'd rent my house out. Never will I jeopardise my house/financial situation again. I don't need for anything financially but I won't risk what I've worked so hard for!

I don’t think it’s necessarily over - but he needs to hear what you are saying and understand that you are making yourself and your children vulnerable if you don’t have a fair agreement about expenses. Especially if he wants you to move to an area you can’t afford. If you are skint and pleading for money due to your increase in expenses while he earns a 6 figure salary, then it will just breed resentment and kill the relationship anyway.

Much better to have these conversations now, however it pans out. Good luck OP.

@Morello339

You seem to be ‘an all or nothing’ sort of person. Why?
Any relationship that lasts needs to be able to deal with issues and disagreements. Finances are one of those issues.

Why not see if there are ways you can find a solution that both of you would think as fair?

You say things like - ‘he won’t feel it, given his salary’ - that come through as you thinking he SHOULD pay for you+kids because he can afford it. This is way to entitled - and if he senses it, I can see how it makes him feel guarded.
And your reaction - breaking off the relationship rather than actually discussing and trying to find a way that works - at best shows you as inflexible.

You don’t have to move in together now. You don’t have to sell your house. You are clearly not ready to get married.
But it doesn’t mean you have to break up.

Thank you for all your responses .

I'll try to answer all the new questions.

We can't move in to his place as it is a 1 bedroom flat in a city centre, I couldn't commute from there and the kids obviously couldn't live there.

There isn't a 'rush' as such but he is always talking about marriage and how once we live together we may want children etc...time is of the essence for me with this fact. Another thought I had was do I want a baby with someone who doesn't see us a team?

I don't necessarily want to break up, but I'm looking for something real, a future and if we have no potential to get there I don't want to waste my time (or his).

Renting my house out feels like hedging my bets. I don't want to move into a house that belongs to him, I wanted it to be our life starting together.

I will talk to him, we haven't argued since, we aren't a dramatic or tempestuous couple. When I see him today I will just tell him how I feel and let him tell me his reasons he disagrees.

I just don't want him to agree to something he isn't happy with either, and he is the sort of man who will do almost anything to make things better. I need his real thoughts.

I totally agree with everything you've said. Moving to a more expensive area is not going to work for you. He is the one with flexibility but if he won't be flexible... And no, handouts will not make this work.

Give him a chance to digest the conversation. If sounds to me that he hasn't even considered finances and he was a big panicked and defensive. I hope, when he has had a chance to think about things, he will take a more balanced, logical approach.

I always went 50/50 with my bf when we moved in together despite him earning more. When we got married and had a baby, he was initially a bit shocked when I suggested a family pot and said something about how he shouldn't have to finance my lower salary or something else ridiculous.

Once he actually thought about it, he of course understood that its all family money and fair. He still earns marginally more than me but its never been an issue since and any money I have come in to (2 sizable redundancy payments) have always been shared, family money.

So, my advice is to let him digest what you've said and I think he may come round to understanding what buying a home and blending a family actually means. If he can't, it's a clear signal that he places more importance on money, than your relationship and your better off out of it.

Good luck OP.

I have two kids and own my place. So - I can relate to the pressures of taking care of kids on your own.

And I get that you want yo have a new relationship and a future.
But - I think it’s unfair (and a bit unrealistic) to expect that that means your new partner, whoever it is, takes on supporting your kids the way a father would.
At this point you seem to indicate that him not willing to take up financial responsibility for all three of you - as a sign he doesn’t see the future with you, that it’s not a real relationship.
It isn’t surprising that he isn’t ready for that. He may be rich, and may he able to afford it. But rich people don’t want to feel used for their money.
He may, eventually actually want to do it, but not when it is forced on him.

Second point I wanted to make. When you say ‘renting your house out, feels like hedging your bets’. This just sounds naive. You already know relationships aren’t guaranteed to lasts. Of course you SHOULD hedge your bets at this early stage of relationship. You aren’t on your own, there are kids involved - so you absolutely need to protect yourself.

Why wouldn’t you move to the house he buys, while keeping yours for now? If the relationship does go the distance, you get married and have another child - in the long term it won’t make a difference.
You will eventually sell yours, put the money into the mortgage on his house and become joint owners.
If it doesn’t work out - you and the kids have a safety net.
Best of both worlds.

I think you have some unrealistic and overly romantic expectations of a relationship. Especially where finances are concerned.

Playing devils advocate here, he maybe hasn't really thought it through from your perspective. I would maybe lay it out for him. Every eventuality, and the repercussions for both of you in each scenario and see if you can both find a common ground.

Presuming he's never been married, the idea of shared assets is perhaps alien to him. Is marriage on the cards for this relationship? If not, it changes things again. Explain all this to him?

I've been with my DH for 2 years. As soon as we decided to move in together, which was quite soon around 7 months, we had joint finances. I make more money than he does and he has 3 kids to support. The way I see it, I knew I was getting with a man who had responsibilities and chose to be part of that family when we moved in together. All our money goes into the same pot to give us and our family the best lifestyle possible. We both work equally as hard, it just so happens one gets paid more than the other.

We're a team. The work I do is for us not just me. The same with DH.

How did it go @Morello339 ?

Actually went really nicely. He said he didn't realise the reasons I felt the way I did. That it makes sense, and he's happy to do whatever it takes for me to secure and part of a team.

So as things stand we are on the same page. We'll see if it pans out that way.

Oh thats good. I onky saw the thread today but reading it through I just felt I'm sure all this can be sorted out.

Glad.

Fabulous news xxx