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Original poster

Holiday time

44 replies

DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 09:08

Hi all,

My wife and I were having a discussion about next Christmas (I know, already!) and it turns out that this year (2023) the kids don't break up until the 22nd December. My wife and I have been together now for 6 and a half years now and even before we got together, I would always have the week of my birthday (20th December) and Christmas week off work. This always gave me two weeks off work. As the kids don't finish school until the 22nd December my wife and I are now in a disagreement about whether I take that week off now. She obviously wants me to move my week to another week when she is off work too and I am pushing back on that saying I've always had two weeks off at Christmas and I don't feel the need to change that just because the kids are at school.

Now, my wife is a teacher, so she gets many weeks holiday - I think about 12 weeks plus bank holidays. Her 6 week summer holiday is a week longer than I get in total so my argument back is that she gets lots more holiday than me, yes she doesn't any ability to say when her holidays are but that is a con to a very big pro. She is also arguing that all her time off is when the kids are off and it's not really a "holiday", it's going from full time working to full time looking after and entertaining the kids. I get this, I really do, but I see that as a trade off for having 12 weeks holiday vs my 5 weeks (though it appears I'm still fully expected to take off when the kids are off too).

In the last week, my work have offered for us to "buy" an extra 5 days holiday at the cost of some salary per month. So I've offered that to my wife and she thinks it is a good idea and I said, maybe I can keep that week off at Christmas now and she immediately said "Nooo, that'll make me very angry". Then she called me (she was on her way to work) and said she would only accept it, if I took the kids away on my own for a weekend to give her a partial equivalent, which would make it "fair". I obviously said it's still not quite fair as I'm still missing 6 weeks of holiday compared to her but she then argued that it isn't really "holiday" time 🤔

What are your thoughts on this matter please?

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 09:09

Oh just to add, we have 3 boys aged 4, 8 and 11.

OP posts:
chipsandpeas · 13/01/2023 09:12

well i dont get why you feel you are entitled to a week off for your birthday to do what you want with no kids about when your wife doesnt have that option
least you can do it give her a break

Original poster
DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 09:42

chipsandpeas · 13/01/2023 09:12

well i dont get why you feel you are entitled to a week off for your birthday to do what you want with no kids about when your wife doesnt have that option
least you can do it give her a break

To be accurate, I don't get a week off, I get time to myself when the kids are at school yes, but I'll still take them to school, pick them up from school, look after them until the wife gets home and all of the other household chores that I do every day same as every other week of the year in the evening time.

Also, I will be doing housework and many other DIY jobs that don't get done throughout the year during that time - it won't be 6 hours watching telly and doing what I want during that time. Granted, there will be some time to myself and doing what I want but I doubt it'll even add up to half that time when the kids are at school.

You are right, my wife doesn't get that option, but doesn't 12 weeks a year holiday vs my now 6 weeks (after sacrificing some salary) have any bearing on your opinion?

Also, not trying to be difficult or being a pain for the sake of being a pain here, but if my wife said to me, I really need a weekend to myself, woud you take the kids away for a weekend so I can have some time to myself, I would in a heartbeat. I think for me, the issue here is that she is "angry" because the kids are still at school and I would take the same week off I've always taken off.

I think for me, its the approach she has taken, like if she'd said, "well, it is your holiday but I think it would be more helpful to me if you took the time off when the kids are off to help me, that'd be greatly appreciated". Instead, it is more like "no, that'd make me angry if you did that".

After writing this, I am beginning to feel like the only reason I'm pushing back on this is that I feel like I'm being controlled, my holiday choices are being dictated to me, rather than being my own and that is making me want to rebel against it.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 13/01/2023 10:09

Right well, firstly, why is she turning into full time mum when she is off when DC are off? There are 2 of you, so you should be putting an equal amount in looking after them in the evenings that she does. Next is the option of using holiday clubs so she can get time to herself during school hols.
By the sounds of it, your 2nd week over Xmas you are all off together, so she should definitely not be a full time mum then and the load should be 50/50.
Also in the first week, you make it sound like once your wife gets home from work, she fully takes over the childcare - which is not on if you've been off all day already while she's been working all day.

mindutopia · 13/01/2023 10:10

I would take your week off as planned. I often take time off precisely because the kids are in school (and I go away on holidays on my own too). But then in the week to follow, when your wife is off, you can take on the main share of parenting, so that she can go and do things she wants for herself, have a lie in, take a long bath, etc.

mindutopia · 13/01/2023 10:13

And then I'd look to see how later in the year you can coordinate some annual leave to have the kids during the school holidays (surely, if you have 6 weeks off, you should have plenty of AL left) or use a holiday club. Then maybe you can go do something together during those days.

Opentooffers · 13/01/2023 10:17

If you've only been together 6 years, it would appear that the 8 and 11 year old DS's are from a prior relationship, do they see their other parent, leaving you with the 1 DS at times? Just wondering how big the workload is?

MadeForThis · 13/01/2023 10:21

You both should get some holiday time free from kids.

Her suggestion that you take the kids away for a weekend during one of your holidays is a great one.

heldinadream · 13/01/2023 10:48

...look after them until the wife gets home...
Very telling wording there OP.

Original poster
DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 11:00

Opentooffers · 13/01/2023 10:09

Right well, firstly, why is she turning into full time mum when she is off when DC are off? There are 2 of you, so you should be putting an equal amount in looking after them in the evenings that she does. Next is the option of using holiday clubs so she can get time to herself during school hols.
By the sounds of it, your 2nd week over Xmas you are all off together, so she should definitely not be a full time mum then and the load should be 50/50.
Also in the first week, you make it sound like once your wife gets home from work, she fully takes over the childcare - which is not on if you've been off all day already while she's been working all day.

We do put equal amount of effort in together in the evening, I'm not a good cook, so she sorts out the tea for all of us and I do the hoovering, mopping and shower times for the boys (though our 11 year old now does that himself and our 8 year old mostly does too). She does any washing that needs doing but almost every morning I put the washing on the airers. She folds them up and puts them away. I do feel like the chores are split fairly evenly. We have cleaners to do the bathrooms and a good full hoover and dust of the whole house every other week too.

My wife does not fully take over the childcare in the evening - I don't disappear or watch tv, we stay together and sort out the table, feeding the kids, putting dirty dishes in the dishwasher, etc. If that is the way it came across it is inaccurate and I apologise for that. To be fair, in the evenings, the kids are usually playing with their wrestlers, on their tablets or the xbox, so there is little actually childcare needed, it is mostly household tasks that occupy us in the evening.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 11:02

Opentooffers · 13/01/2023 10:17

If you've only been together 6 years, it would appear that the 8 and 11 year old DS's are from a prior relationship, do they see their other parent, leaving you with the 1 DS at times? Just wondering how big the workload is?

Whilst this is true, it is often harder because he doesn't have his brothers around to play with him, so he is much more demanding of our time when his brothers are at their dads. But this is at the weekend when we are both off anyway, and it is shared equally.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 13/01/2023 11:40

Is this a reverse? I'm finding it really hard to believe that the spouse of any teacher would honestly think that their spouse gets more actual leisure/holiday time than a civvy job Confused

Opentooffers · 13/01/2023 17:45

It comes down to her being envious of your week off while the DC are in school. She would love to be in that situation, which is understandable and fair as what's good for the goose applies.
So find a way where she gets a week off too. It should be a week where you look after the DC during the day as she does. This could be a good opportunity for you and DC to connect more and maybe develop some appreciation of where she may be coming from. If after a week of looking after the DC all day, while she goes out and does her own thing, or maybe takes a few days away for herself somewhere, you still feel that that week was a holiday for you, you have a point.

Somehow I doubt you would feel by the end of the week that you've had a weeks holiday. She gets more time off from her place of work than you do, but claiming its a holiday to look after 3 children daily shows that perhaps you haven't done it yourself, so don't get what's involved. If you have looked after all 3 DC on your own for a week already, and felt it was like a holiday, fair enough.
You are as envious of her longer time off work as she is of your week. If you find a way to bury the envy by swapping roles for a bit it will avoid resentment festering.

Tinkerbyebye · 13/01/2023 17:56

So have I understood this correctly

your wife gets 12 weeks leave, which is used totally for childcare/ possibly a family holiday, you get 5 weeks and off that you use 4 towards childcare/joint time off and want a week when no kids are around during the day?

when does your wife get that? Why should you have a week childcare free, to do what you want, when your wife doesn’t!

don’t be so selfish

NewYearNewCareer · 13/01/2023 18:02

She’s offered you a compromise of a weekend away, so she gets some time!
Why isn’t that good enough?

I’ve worked in schools and every holiday has been with the children. I’ve had one weekend in 12 years!

It’s exhausting.

I think you need to go back to the table and discuss what works best for both of you.

Original poster
DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 23:34

Opentooffers · 13/01/2023 17:45

It comes down to her being envious of your week off while the DC are in school. She would love to be in that situation, which is understandable and fair as what's good for the goose applies.
So find a way where she gets a week off too. It should be a week where you look after the DC during the day as she does. This could be a good opportunity for you and DC to connect more and maybe develop some appreciation of where she may be coming from. If after a week of looking after the DC all day, while she goes out and does her own thing, or maybe takes a few days away for herself somewhere, you still feel that that week was a holiday for you, you have a point.

Somehow I doubt you would feel by the end of the week that you've had a weeks holiday. She gets more time off from her place of work than you do, but claiming its a holiday to look after 3 children daily shows that perhaps you haven't done it yourself, so don't get what's involved. If you have looked after all 3 DC on your own for a week already, and felt it was like a holiday, fair enough.
You are as envious of her longer time off work as she is of your week. If you find a way to bury the envy by swapping roles for a bit it will avoid resentment festering.

Thank you, that's some good constructive advice there and I think you are right.

OP posts:
Original poster
DaddyTee · 13/01/2023 23:53

Tinkerbyebye · 13/01/2023 17:56

So have I understood this correctly

your wife gets 12 weeks leave, which is used totally for childcare/ possibly a family holiday, you get 5 weeks and off that you use 4 towards childcare/joint time off and want a week when no kids are around during the day?

when does your wife get that? Why should you have a week childcare free, to do what you want, when your wife doesn’t!

don’t be so selfish

I feel like you are venting some harboured anger here, I've already said that even if I did have "free" time, it certainly wouldn't all be to "do what I want". There are loads of DIY jobs around the house, little things that have not got done over the year that would easily take up the majority of that time.

You're absolutely right though, why should I have a week childcare free and my wife doesn't. But since I have the opportunity to, why shouldn't I have a week childcare free either?

What I find interesting and surprising here, is that if I had to work and my wife got the opportunity to have a week off without the kids, I'd be over the moon for her - I'd be the first to tell her to book some spa treatments. I wouldn't be like "well ask your boss if you can move it so you can help me out with childcare".

I also feel a number of you have the assumption that I do not pull my weight around the house and with the children. Well, you're going to have to trust me when I say that I do. It would be absolutely fair to say the household chores and childcare are split pretty evenly in our household.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 13/01/2023 23:56

Why don't you become a teacher if you resent the holidays so much?

Do what you like most men do. Who cares how the woman feels.

She might leave you for being a selfish prick but then you will have loads of wife child free time.

Either you are a dad and husband or you want to be a separate individual. Shouldn't have had kids if you weren't prepared that every fucking moment or time off had to come from the kids down for 16 years per child.

Grow up.

Original poster
DaddyTee · 14/01/2023 00:01

NewYearNewCareer · 13/01/2023 18:02

She’s offered you a compromise of a weekend away, so she gets some time!
Why isn’t that good enough?

I’ve worked in schools and every holiday has been with the children. I’ve had one weekend in 12 years!

It’s exhausting.

I think you need to go back to the table and discuss what works best for both of you.

Yep, you're right, it is good enough and she should get some time for herself.

Like I said, I think I'm just feeling like my holiday time is being dictated, and I don't like that. I will do the right thing, but I need to feel like it is my decision and not being forced upon me.

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 14/01/2023 00:01

Our kids are 14 & 12 and don't need us as much now.

God it's gone quick. You never get that time back, one decade of your hopeful 8 or 9 and you want time away from the kids.

There is never enough time with them.
Enjoy being centre of their world. It does pass in a moment. You have years to navel gaze.

Goldilocksmother · 14/01/2023 00:06

Like I said, I think I'm just feeling like my holiday time is being dictated, and I don't like that

All of her holiday time is being dictated - how do you think she feels?

I think you need a different approach so you both feel refreshed and you both get quality time.

Maybe you can arrange holiday cover for a few weeks over the summer holidays?
Maybe you could have a joint adult only weekend away-

Parenting is hard, maybe you need to both feel appreciated and look after each other.

Original poster
DaddyTee · 14/01/2023 00:14

frozendaisy · 13/01/2023 23:56

Why don't you become a teacher if you resent the holidays so much?

Do what you like most men do. Who cares how the woman feels.

She might leave you for being a selfish prick but then you will have loads of wife child free time.

Either you are a dad and husband or you want to be a separate individual. Shouldn't have had kids if you weren't prepared that every fucking moment or time off had to come from the kids down for 16 years per child.

Grow up.

Please don't project onto me, you don't know me and I am not going to presume to know you. I am a good husband and father - granted there is always room for improvement, but not pulling my weight is never one of my faults (according to my wife anyway).

It isn't unreasonable to want some free time to yourself. It is unreasonable to want it all the time, which I do not. We go on two family holidays a year; one is 2 weeks and the other is at least a week (we are very fortunate). We had 2 two week holidays last year but the bank holidays worked in our favour and that meant I could continue to take two weeks off at Christmas (at the same time as the kids and my wife).

OP posts:
Fizzadora · 14/01/2023 00:16

Sorry mate but you are on to a loser here. You are pissed off because you think your holiday time is being dictated. Your wife's holiday time is exactly that, yet you feel hard done by.
You sound like you think you are a switched on Dad and not the usual selfish, misogynist twat we read about on here so why can't you see how much of a knob you sound?
Your wife doesn't get any child free holidays so neither should you. And no, the fact that she gets more holidays (to look after the children) does not make up for you having fewer weeks.

MaxTalk · 14/01/2023 00:27

She gets 12 weeks off which is nuts. Yep, stand your ground.

Original poster
DaddyTee · 14/01/2023 00:29

Goldilocksmother · 14/01/2023 00:06

Like I said, I think I'm just feeling like my holiday time is being dictated, and I don't like that

All of her holiday time is being dictated - how do you think she feels?

I think you need a different approach so you both feel refreshed and you both get quality time.

Maybe you can arrange holiday cover for a few weeks over the summer holidays?
Maybe you could have a joint adult only weekend away-

Parenting is hard, maybe you need to both feel appreciated and look after each other.

Yep, that is a good point. I hadn't really thought of her holiday as being dictated.

On the other hand, I could argue that having a lot of holiday but at specific (dictated) times of the year is a known and accepted condition of being a teacher. Equally, having less holiday but being able to choose when to take it is a known and accepted condition of working in a private institution. However, in my case, that condition is being changed, and not by me. So whilst I do see your point, and I will take that on board, it isn't really comparable.

Her mum and step dad are very kind and do really well looking after the kids for us when we need/would like them to. And we do use them fairly often, so we do quite often get time with each other already.

Thank you Goldilocksmother, you have made some good points and suggestions there though.

OP posts: