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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Controlling relationship is it my fault?

51 replies

Megan000 · 12/01/2023 20:03

Thank you for taking the time to read my dilemma no judgements or rude comments please. I’ve been with my boyfriend about a year and a half and I feel like our relationship is lowkey controlling but as I’ve been in an abusive/controlling relationship before it’s quite hard for me to leave him…he is Muslim and quite strict on how I present myself which has been a bit of a challenge as there’s been times I’ve gone out with him wearing for example a tight jumpsuit that’s a bit low cut (nothing too revealing) and he’s flipped about it and called me an embarrassment and walked off from me and wanted to go home as he dosent want to be seen with me it’s taken me a lot of time to become confident in myself and it always just knocks me down and makes me feel like I’m disgusting. Last year we seemed to have a lot of arguments they were over petty things but my boyfriend would break up with me for 4/5 days and then get back with me every time we had these arguments and I was starting to get fed up of it so on one of the occasions he broke up with me I started talking to a guy I’d known previously to my boyfriend and when my boyfriend got back with me he found out and lost it ever since then he’s not trusted me at all. The other day I went to collect something I bought from Facebook marketplace and he demanded I show him where I was going and I had to show him the conversation I’d had with the lady for him to believe me…whenever I don’t answer the phone straight away or if I miss a call due to my signal being bad he’ll get angry at me and say “who were you on the phone to”…the thing that I think has been most extreme is I’m getting my own council property in a few days (he won’t be living with me he lives with his mum) and he’s said he’s gonna pay to put a doorbell camera on my front door and he’s gonna be in control of it and have the app on his phone so he can sit at his mums and watch what’s happening at my house and see who’s coming in and out which I feel is somewhat creepy him watching the house like that he said it’s for my safety…yesterday I told him I was going to drive to the area the house is in to have a look and he got angry at me and said I shouldn’t be wasting my petrol driving around and made me feel bad so I said I’ll just stay home and once he knew I felt guilty he softened up and said I can go. I feel like all of this is my fault as I spoke to a guy while we broke up I was even talking to him for a bit while me and my boyfriend were back together so I feel like I’ve given him a reason to be like this…I constantly say I know he dosent trust me and he says well what do you expect after what you did. I dunno what responses I’m expecting from this but just needed to let it out to someone as I feel like everything’s my fault and dunno what to do.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 12/01/2023 20:07

It's not your fault. He is controlling and it will only get worse.

Do not let him install a camera at your house.

You're best off rid of him.

tenbob · 12/01/2023 20:10

I’m so sorry, that all sounds exhausting and crushing

You need to permanently end this relationship and distance yourself from him. This is not low level control. It is all out, full fat, red flag control and it will only get worse.

Do you live together?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2023 20:14

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You have gone from one abusive relationship into another one. Your boundaries, already damaged by previous abuse, are being further messed with by this individual now.
This relationship is over or it should be now because of the abuse he meets out. Also he is Muslim so he will go onto marry another Muslim. He’s targeted you and deliberately so to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he indeed has done. You and he need to be apart now and permanently.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and not get into any further relationship until
you have healed yourself along with raising your low boundaries.

Ofcourseshecan · 12/01/2023 20:17

OP, surely it’s blazingly obvious. He has no respect for you, he acts as if he owns you and he demands that you give him even more control over your life. He is a nightmare! Please leave him and regain your self- respect. No woman deserves this treatment.

Pinkbonbon · 12/01/2023 20:17

Oh gosh op. You need to leave him.
He's absolutely insane.

It's not your fault for ending up in a controlling relationship but now you are starting to see it fir what it is, you do need to find your courage and leave him.

DO NOT give him keys to your new home. Don't let him help move your things either. If I were you I'd get a friend to help me move my stuff and then dump him over the phone when you are safe in the new place.

You would also be wise to consult women's aid for advice. Be aware that coercive control which is what he is doing to you, is a crime. As is staĺking, should he do that when u leave. Don't be slow to report him to the police if he won't leave you alone.

You have great opportunity to get away free with this move. Take it. Also consider doing the freedom programe online, to help prevent you dating nutters and creeps like him again.

Stay safe!
Break up over the phone once you are out.not in person. Don't agree to meet in person. It isn't owed. And once out, check all your devices for spyware and then change your passwords.

barmycatmum · 12/01/2023 20:17

Oh HELL no, with the camera. Please get free of this person. This will escalate and get far worse. You are not his property, and he’s treating you like you are.

Megan000 · 12/01/2023 20:20

Luckily we don’t live together but I think that makes him more insecure as he can’t see what I get up to he’s even said he wants the spare key for my house so he can come at any time and see what I’m doing.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 12/01/2023 20:20

Make sure you at least move your important documents (passport, sentimental items ect...) to a safe place like the new house first before breaking up btw.

Pinkbonbon · 12/01/2023 20:23

Megan000 · 12/01/2023 20:20

Luckily we don’t live together but I think that makes him more insecure as he can’t see what I get up to he’s even said he wants the spare key for my house so he can come at any time and see what I’m doing.

Oh fuck no. Bets he'll be in putting hidden cameras in the house whenever you're out too!

He's terrifying op.
Seriously don't break up with this guy in person. And please inform friends and family you trust what has been going on.

Zanatdy · 12/01/2023 20:24

Not one person will tell you anything different than you need to leave this man. Right now. I wouldn’t ignore this advice. Good luck

Astaphorial · 12/01/2023 20:25

Ps: he is NOT insecure. He is controlling.

Never ever excuse controlling behaviour as insecurity. It is not.

Jux · 12/01/2023 20:25

It's not your fault.

Read the opening post of this thread (crosses fingers that link works on the app, it's not working on Safari for me because my device is too old). The poster is/was one the best posters in MN ever, and every word of her post is true. Read it, reread it and then read it again!

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody
Lokks like you'll have to c&p

Astaphorial · 12/01/2023 20:26

Meant btw not ps

WhatDoYouWantNow · 12/01/2023 20:28

Muslim men have different views about women and their way of dressing. You don't live with him, haven't got any children with him. Don't carry on a relationship with him. He will only get worse.

Remona · 12/01/2023 20:35

NONE of this is your fault.

YES, it is controlling.

I cannot say this strongly enough - please GET OUT

Megan000 · 12/01/2023 20:38

Thank you for all the fast replies it’s nice to feel supported and it genuinely means a lot to me. I think it’s very obvious to everyone on the outside that I’m in a controlling relationship and to be honest I haven’t even told half the story as we’ve also got into physical fights and he’s pressured me into certain sexual activities I didn’t want to do and as much as I dont want to admit it I feel like that encounter was on the verge of rape I won’t get into anymore details. But I really needed to hear everything everyone’s saying right now as I have begun to realise this relationship isn’t healthy for me.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 12/01/2023 20:41

@AttilaTheMeerkat · Today 20:14
The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
You have gone from one abusive relationship into another one. Your boundaries, already damaged by previous abuse, are being further messed with by this individual now.
This relationship is over or it should be now because of the abuse he meets out. Also he is Muslim so he will go onto marry another Muslim. He’s targeted you and deliberately so to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he indeed has done. You and he need to be apart now and permanently.
I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and not get into any further relationship until
you have healed yourself along with raising your low boundaries.

OP Read this because it is spot on

Penguinsmum · 12/01/2023 20:41

Omg.you know this isn't right. Dump him fast. Disgusting behaviour from him.

LexMitior · 12/01/2023 20:46

Get rid of him. This sounds dire already. If you lived together it would much worse.

Don't be foolish or flattered by it. This kind of attention is not what you need

ManyNameChanges · 12/01/2023 20:47

Megan000 · 12/01/2023 20:20

Luckily we don’t live together but I think that makes him more insecure as he can’t see what I get up to he’s even said he wants the spare key for my house so he can come at any time and see what I’m doing.

Please don’t give him the keys!!

And he is controlling and abusive. He controls what you wear, who you talk to etc etc
It’s full on abuse. It’s it your fault. And you didn’t do ANYTHING wrong there, incl the talking to another man WHEN YOU WERE IN A BREAK.
And it’s not going to get better if you move together. Quite the opposite.

LexMitior · 12/01/2023 20:49

And the "for your safety" re cameras is a giveaway.

He's none too subtle. Most controlling men suggest cameras to look at the dog (of course, it's the woman)

ManyNameChanges · 12/01/2023 20:49

he’s pressured me into certain sexual activities I didn’t want to do and as much as I dont want to admit it I feel like that encounter was on the verge of rape

Regardless of what it was, it WAS RAPE. If he pressured you for whatever ut was you didn’t want, it was coercive rape.

Im sorry @Megan000 . He really is doing a number on you.

Please get rid of him. You dont want him in your life.

jay55 · 12/01/2023 21:27

Please get your phone checked for keyloggers and other spying apps.

He's a dick. It isn't your fault. Dump him and move on.

Violetthedamagedbutterfly · 12/01/2023 21:54

Exactly WHY are you in a relationship with this man? Good for you getting a council house. Not only is he abusive, he is telling you, and showing you he is abusive. It is not usual, normal or acceptable to force you to do any sexual thing you don’t want to do.
Ger out of this abusive relationship - QUICKLY.

AndyWarholsPiehole · 12/01/2023 22:02

He is an abuser.

Please make contact with womens aid and consider doing the Freedom program.

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