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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Controlling relationship is it my fault?

51 replies

Megan000 · 12/01/2023 20:03

Thank you for taking the time to read my dilemma no judgements or rude comments please. I’ve been with my boyfriend about a year and a half and I feel like our relationship is lowkey controlling but as I’ve been in an abusive/controlling relationship before it’s quite hard for me to leave him…he is Muslim and quite strict on how I present myself which has been a bit of a challenge as there’s been times I’ve gone out with him wearing for example a tight jumpsuit that’s a bit low cut (nothing too revealing) and he’s flipped about it and called me an embarrassment and walked off from me and wanted to go home as he dosent want to be seen with me it’s taken me a lot of time to become confident in myself and it always just knocks me down and makes me feel like I’m disgusting. Last year we seemed to have a lot of arguments they were over petty things but my boyfriend would break up with me for 4/5 days and then get back with me every time we had these arguments and I was starting to get fed up of it so on one of the occasions he broke up with me I started talking to a guy I’d known previously to my boyfriend and when my boyfriend got back with me he found out and lost it ever since then he’s not trusted me at all. The other day I went to collect something I bought from Facebook marketplace and he demanded I show him where I was going and I had to show him the conversation I’d had with the lady for him to believe me…whenever I don’t answer the phone straight away or if I miss a call due to my signal being bad he’ll get angry at me and say “who were you on the phone to”…the thing that I think has been most extreme is I’m getting my own council property in a few days (he won’t be living with me he lives with his mum) and he’s said he’s gonna pay to put a doorbell camera on my front door and he’s gonna be in control of it and have the app on his phone so he can sit at his mums and watch what’s happening at my house and see who’s coming in and out which I feel is somewhat creepy him watching the house like that he said it’s for my safety…yesterday I told him I was going to drive to the area the house is in to have a look and he got angry at me and said I shouldn’t be wasting my petrol driving around and made me feel bad so I said I’ll just stay home and once he knew I felt guilty he softened up and said I can go. I feel like all of this is my fault as I spoke to a guy while we broke up I was even talking to him for a bit while me and my boyfriend were back together so I feel like I’ve given him a reason to be like this…I constantly say I know he dosent trust me and he says well what do you expect after what you did. I dunno what responses I’m expecting from this but just needed to let it out to someone as I feel like everything’s my fault and dunno what to do.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 12/01/2023 22:03

What do you actually see in this absolute crackpot? No redeeming qualities about him whatsoever. Please end it for your own sake.

Don't take any rubbish from him about insecurity. That's just an excuse they use to keep you in line and exert control. He's horrible and a rapist. He's breaking the law with coercive control, rape and wanting control of a house camera for God's sake?

He's evil and nuts. Run as fast as possible away from him.

Pinkbonbon · 12/01/2023 22:11

You're going to have to be very firm with him op. Do not meet him again.

Via text: 'It's over. If you come anywhere near me again I will go to the police'. And seriously, mean it. He is dangerous. Do not reply to anything after that.

Once he has read it, screenshot it as proof of sending then block him on everything. Keep your doors and windows locked. Have some friends or family stay with you for a while too if pos. If he has any stuff at yours, post it to him recorded delivery. He cannot come to your home.

Remember, you don't have to justify leaving to him. He knows fine well why it is over.
He is not your partner. He is an abuser and a rapist.

If you had a psychopath you didn't know out there who meant you harm, what would you do? Act accordingly. Because that's what he is.

Consider going to the police. But if you don't feel up to that atm then at least don't slow to call them if he harasses or stalks you.

Mars27 · 12/01/2023 22:25

AttilaTheMeerkat · 12/01/2023 20:14

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

You have gone from one abusive relationship into another one. Your boundaries, already damaged by previous abuse, are being further messed with by this individual now.
This relationship is over or it should be now because of the abuse he meets out. Also he is Muslim so he will go onto marry another Muslim. He’s targeted you and deliberately so to abuse and otherwise mistreat as he indeed has done. You and he need to be apart now and permanently.

I would also suggest you enrol yourself onto the Freedom Programme and not get into any further relationship until
you have healed yourself along with raising your low boundaries.

Yup, happened to a friend of mine, she was made a fool of for FIVE years just to be discarded and swapped for a younger Muslim girl who he married faster than you can say "arranged marriage"

AlmostAJillSandwich · 13/01/2023 00:41

Honey he's been controlling from day one, you talking to some other guy when you were SINGLE after he had dumped you for the who knows how many time, is absolutely not the cause of his behaviour.
He was being manipulative, controlling and plain mean dumping you multiple times then expecting you to take him back, like you should be thankful he wanted to come back!
In my experience, he will NOT ever get better, only more extreme.
This is no way to live, you deserve someone who has love and respect for you, doesn't treat you like an embarrassment and try to tell you what to wear, where you can go, what you can do etc.

Fraaahnces · 13/01/2023 00:47

Honey, there is absolutely nothing low key about the control this guy is exerting. You know this is not normal. Don’t ever give him the key. Take your phone to your provider and make sure he has no more methods of tracking you. Break up with him and let your work know you might need accompanying to the car.

Bananalanacake · 13/01/2023 07:05

What are his good points. Thank god you don't live with him.

Billybagpuss · 13/01/2023 08:03

you are minimising this way too much, you don’t live with him so leaving will be easy logistically, do you feel strong enough emotionally to do it. Womens aid can help n

watchfulwishes · 13/01/2023 08:07

You are in a controlling and abusive relationship.

It is never your fault.

However there are things you can do to minimise this happening again and to help you get out. Please leave and please get help.

savethatkitty · 13/01/2023 08:17

Move & do not give this person your new address! Bin, now.

ScarlettSunset · 13/01/2023 08:26

This is never going to improve.
If you stay you'll end up a shadow of the person you should have been, always tiptoeing around, trying not to upset him - which won't work anyway as the problem is with him and not you.
Please leave him and enjoy your life.

Naunet · 13/01/2023 09:01

He’s not your boyfriend, he’s your jailer. Did you want to be imprisoned?

BelleSauvage9 · 13/01/2023 09:13

Jesus Christ please ltb!!! Awful human being, don't waste another minute of your life on him.

Puffin87 · 13/01/2023 09:14

You asked if it's your fault he's behaving like this.

I was in a relationship very like this for two years. I've only been out of it a few months.

After more than a year of therapy, I accepted it WAS my fault - in the sense I had terrible boundaries and let him treat me badly.

While trauma bonding is real and I experienced it, you need to accept that while he is abusive (which is fully wrong) your behaviour is also a big factor.

It's not going to get better. Leave him, go to therapy, look at your boundaries in general, don't see him and you'll start to view it objectively.

Etinoxaurus · 13/01/2023 09:16

Flowers @Megan000
What do you need to get out of this toxic relationship?

SmileWithADimple · 13/01/2023 09:16

Please end this OP. It will get worse Sad

arethereanyleftatall · 13/01/2023 09:21

Please follow all the advice above op with regards to leaving him. There's 40 responses on here but there could be 8 billion and they'd all say leave.

This is absolutely obvious to anyone with healthy boundaries.

Going forward, please learn about what is acceptable in a healthy relationship and what isn't. Taking the very first thing you spoke of, the jumpsuit. You should have the confidence and level of understanding to have left him, blocked him and never ever spoken to him again after at the very moment. As soon as he flipped about you going out in a low cut top, something should have triggered in you ti walk away there and then. It isn't acceptable.

Relationships aren't mandatory.

Original poster
Megan000 · 13/01/2023 12:32

This is what I’m struggling with…I know everyone on the outside can see it’s an abusive/controlling relationship and you’re all probably screaming behind your phones for me to leave but being the one inside the relationship it’s very hard to get up and leave as much as I truly know his behaviour is wrong especially as I’ve previously been in an abusive relationship I guess it makes it easier for me to get into another one as my boundaries are low but that’s something I need to work on within myself just trying to find the courage.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 13/01/2023 12:50

Just take it in steps, OP.

Step 1: Recognise the situation. You already know you are being controlled and abused.

Step 2: Get out of the situation. Now you have to figure out how to end the relationship as quickly and safely as possible. Women's Aid can help. Talk to a trusted friend. Keep posting here.

Step 3: Don't get back into the situation. Once you are out of the relationship, and have blocked all contact with your abuser, you can start asking the questions about why you were vulnerable, why it was hard to leave, and so on. The Freedom Programme is a free resource that will help you with that.

That's all you have to do. I'm not saying it's easy, but it's simple. You just need to do it. So many of us have been exactly where you are and had to just get out despite feeling terrified and weak. Leaving will make you stronger. You can do this.

Thelnebriati · 13/01/2023 14:18

Here's the link to the Freedom Programme website;
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Contact Womens aid for practical advice and support
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

mightymam · 13/01/2023 14:42

Fucking hell. Get rid of this self-appointed security guard/police officer. Tell him to get a life.

mightymam · 13/01/2023 14:43

The Muslim women I know wouldn't put up with this bullshit.

Jellycatspyjamas · 13/01/2023 14:47

it’s very hard to get up and leave as much as I truly know his behaviour is wrong

You don’t even need to get up and leave, he doesn’t live with you. You just need to tell him it’s over, it may be hard but what you’re living with is hard anyway. It’s a case of choosing your hard.

Whiskeypowers · 13/01/2023 14:57

There is nothing “low key” about his behaviour. It is out and out controlling.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/01/2023 15:15

Megan000 · 13/01/2023 12:32

This is what I’m struggling with…I know everyone on the outside can see it’s an abusive/controlling relationship and you’re all probably screaming behind your phones for me to leave but being the one inside the relationship it’s very hard to get up and leave as much as I truly know his behaviour is wrong especially as I’ve previously been in an abusive relationship I guess it makes it easier for me to get into another one as my boundaries are low but that’s something I need to work on within myself just trying to find the courage.

I'll admit I'm naive and privileged - so, can I ask why it would take courage? You would be going from a horrible life to a nicer one. What are you frightened of?

Pinkbonbon · 13/01/2023 15:31

arethereanyleftatall · 13/01/2023 15:15

I'll admit I'm naive and privileged - so, can I ask why it would take courage? You would be going from a horrible life to a nicer one. What are you frightened of?

Show quote history

Tbf he's a total psycho so getting him to stay away might not be easy. It's always scary thing to have to say 'no' to someone that nuts.

But be brave op because its far scarier to have him in your life. You know that. And his abuse is escalating. You just have to be brave for a short time. Rather than abused forever.