Husband prioritises sick mother over me and baby

[Disgruntledwife2023]

There is a fair bit of backstory here... My husband and I have been together over 10 years and married for just over 6. His mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer in spring 2016. I was there for all the tests, the hospital stay, was driving across the city every day after work for over a week to the hospital to be there to support them etc. We then got married very quickly (within 6 months) because we didn't think she would have long. I planned the whole wedding by myself as well as moving house to live with husband during that period, and getting a puppy together. We never had a honeymoon and instead went away with his parents for 2 weeks. On our first wedding anniversary, my husband went on holiday with his mum, also missing my birthday (without discussing this with me at all).
I spent 6 years commuting over 1 hour and then this became 1.5 hours each way so that we could live 5/10 mins drive from his parents. We have been away on holiday with his parents nearly as many times as we have been away together as a married couple.
I finally had a bit of a breakdown with the commuting and we decided to move to be closer to my work (I am a teacher) and I also moved to work part time for my mental health. Within a month his parents moved 10 mins drive from us and spent a week living with us before they could move in.
Throughout the Covid pandemic, my husband was constantly on edge that I as a teacher would catch Covid and infect him and he would then infect his mum. I was so super careful about this and really anxious to avoid this happening but nevertheless he would ask me on a regular basis about had I had contact with positive people, if I was going out somewhere reminding me all the time about masks and hand sanitiser etc. In the end, it was his dad who caught Covid when I was 8 months pregnant. I then said yes to his mum coming to live with us even though she had therefore been exposed. My husband basically moved into the spare room with her as she needs assistance walking and going to the bathroom. It turned out she had caught Covid from his dad and then my husband also got it. She had a bad reaction and had to go into hospital for a few days, and when she left for hospital, it turned out she had wet herself and vomited all over the spare room bed. I carried the mattress out to the garden and spent hours scrubbing at it - at 8 months pregnant. My husband barely thanked me.
More backstory - his dad shows 0 interest in me at all, still doesn't know what I do for a job (I am a languages teacher - it's not that hard to remember...) and creates lots of conflict with my husband every holiday we go on together. Once he took off at 3am and left his wife (who was very ill at that point having deteriorated) with us for us to sort out getting her home in our car.

I thought now that we have a baby together that we would become his priority. I ended up having a traumatic birth and a emergency c section delivery. On the day this happened, he was pushing for his parents to come to the hospital. Fortunately the visiting hours didn't work out! The following day when we came home, he had his parents come over and his dad made comments about me looking fat and asked how long it would take for me to look normal again. At first, my husband was sympathetic to me being upset at this, but then told me I am overly sensitive and I should now his dad by now doesn't mean bad by those comments. I needed a lot of care for the first couple of weeks as I couldn't drive, couldn't stand up or sit down or get out of bed by myself. Still, my husband didn't do any housework and only offered to cook for me once. As soon as I was more able he was back to having his parents over all the time or going round to theirs, and commented that he feels bad for spending the time at home with me rather than looking after his mum.
I ended up feeling extremely depressed, even suicidal, and highly anxious in the first couple of months. I felt like I had no support and wasn't a priority. I voiced all this but was essentially told it can't be any other way. My husband works 3 days a week and before Christmas all of these were from home. He was still seeing his parents three times a week on average and making time for bike rides, gym sessions, and online language lessons, plus developing an app he is working on. Meanwhile I was still doing all the housework, arranging everything for our baby like health checks and a passport for her so we could go on holiday with his parents at Christmas, and cooking for all of us.

During the first 6 weeks he also tried to get me to let him take our baby daughter to his parents place without me. She is breastfed. He tried to get me to agree to using formula so he wouldn't need me to be there. I was distraught at this and couldn't bear the idea. He finally relented but then would raise the subject a couple of days later again and this went on and on until he realised I just couldn't agree to this and so his parents would come round ours every other day.

The holiday at Christmas fell through because his dad hadn't been organised enough to arrange more medication for his mum before going and I lost hundreds of pounds I had spent on flights there and back. I had also spent so much mental energy getting myself feeling robust enough to fly with a 2.5 month old whilst still managing my depression and anxiety.

My husband also blocked my parents coming to stay with us in October, a month after our daughter was born and on my birthday, saying he would feel it was an intrusion on his space. This was after they had had a row in the summer when they came to stay with us (I was 6 months pregnant) and my husband spent the whole time up in his office playing computer games.

Finally I persuaded my husband to let my parents stay at the end of December and it made a world of difference to me to have my mum around cooking dinner and just knowing she and my dad were there for me and I could rely on them. Finally I no longer felt depressed and my self esteem was getting better.

In the meantime I have flagged up to my husband on multiple occasions that I'm not happy with the state of our marriage. I have voiced that I feel like I'm not a priority and things need to change. He has finally agreed to do more housework, he now empties the dishwasher, hoovers and wipes the kitchen surfaces once a week (I do these all the other days a week...). And he walks the dog when he is around - but in reality he is now going into the office one day a week and helping out at his parents on the other days.

He has again now raised the issue of taking our daughter to spend time with his parents without me and that I am not meeting his emotional needs by not being okay with this. I said actually I would probably be fine with it if he can let me know the day before so I can pump milk for him to take. Apparently that's not good enough and he wants to be able to go at a moment's notice and doesn't care about her having a nap schedule etc.
He hasn't been helping out at all with nappy changing, bath time, bedtime, coming to any baby classes or appointments on the days he isn't working. He has only just started playing and reading to her at my suggestion. He said he wasn't doing any of that stuff because it was too painful for him to accept I can't let him take her without me spontaneously to his parents.

For context- his mum's cancer hasn't got any worse in 6 years, but she now can't walk unassisted and struggles with speech. She needs help with basic tasks like bathing, bathroom, eating, and getting dressed - largely from the radiation therapy that she was treated with. His dad is only just pursuing getting some help with carers.

I'm at breaking point in our marriage. I have started to contact mediators and solicitors for separation to understand how this would work. I know I've partly engineered the situation by allowing myself to be on the back burner our whole marriage, but I thought him becoming a father would change things and it hasn't. I don't want our daughter to grow up seeing me not being prioritised and think therefore that it's okay for her to not be number one for her future partner.

If you're still reading - well done! I'm sorry it's so long, but it has been years of this and I feel like the examples are relevant.

Am I being unreasonable? I am so scared about starting a separation / divorce process, but I feel like I need to think about our daughter and what we model for her in a marriage.

That’s one of the worse stories I’ve read here and his mother is a side character. He’s a dreadful husband. Did you always have anxiety or did it develop after all this? You deserve much more and you sound like a great mum and person. Imagine life alone. Best of luck

Take the baby and go and stay with your parents for a few weeks OP. You need to take some time away to think about what you want from this situation.

I know that the thought of spending time away from your baby probably fills you with dread, but in reality, my experience is, it's more usual for small children to spend majority time with their primary parent because that's what they're used to and in their best interest. That doesn't mean the other parent doesn't have equal parental responsibility in terms of decision making etc...

Also, your dh currently does very little around the house and seemingly pleases himself with gaming etc... the reality of caring for a baby on his own (because he'd have no practical support from his parents given their circumstances) would be a short, sharp shock. I see so often, disgruntled ex husbands saying they want 50/50 but when the reality hits, they end up doing much less because they can't hack it because they weren't a 50/50 parent before the split!

My last comment is in relation to if you split btw...

yes but what if he finds a new woman to parent with , has kids with her and OP is left out when he has visits from his child with OP

YANBU. Get out as soon as possible.

Well what if?!

It’s not her problem at this point what he may or may not do years down the line. I’m not sure why you think this is helping her in any way? She’s got enough actual crap to deal with, practical and emotional, without unnecessary what ifs.

Tbh he’s unlikely to find many women willing to tolerate him prioritising his parents the way he’s always going to do. I’d have run a mile years ago and OP realises she’s enabled the unhealthy dynamic. And he’s not currently bothered by his new baby daughter when he lives under the same roof as her. He’d rather see mum and dad, go to the gym, tit around with his hobbies than spend time with her and look after her. Twats like this don’t want shared care, they just don’t.

I hear you

However, something like this happened to me, and I had no idea it was one of the possible outcomes (once the baby was bigger and more fun to play with) that’s why I am pointing it out

I won’t mention it again as there’s a chance OP is finding this unhelpful

He earns a lot, so new woman is willing to tolerate

I’m so sorry this is happening to you, but your husband is abusive and appalling and you should be incredibly proud of yourself for investigating leaving him.

I highly recommend reading (discreetly) the Lundy Bancroft book Why Does He Do That? (You can get in on the kindle app). It made me feel much less alone and much less as if I was losing my mind (as a result of his gaslighting).

Under no circumstances set the precedent that he can bugger off with your breasted infant whenever he wants. This is just a way of him exerting control and isolating you further.

Gather all the advice you can (find out if you should report the abuse as part of this and how/when to do so in a way that’s safe for you) make a plan and leave. Treat yourself the way you’d want your daughter to treat herself in the same situation. Be honest with your parents and accept all the help you are offered. Never look back and NEVER accept that what he’s doing is normal. It is not.

good luck x

He has treated you horribly, OP. Really, really badly. I’m so sorry. Where is the love in how he has treated you?

How dare he say your parents were intruding on his space, when he’s forced you to accept his parents as central to your marriage? How could he bring a covid positive person into the house when you were 8 months pregnant?! And trying to force formula on the baby for his own convenience when you had successfully established breastfeeding was so selfish. Well done for standing up to him.

He seems to feel no loyalty to you or the baby. The fact that his mum has cancer doesn’t mean he gets to bully and neglect his wife.

Definitely learn as much as you can about how divorce would work. Learn about custody options. Breastfeed as long as you can, the court will take that into account when ordering contact. Talk to your parents about wanting to leave, who I expect will be thrilled, I suspect they’re very worried about you.

You’ve been depressed, even suicidal. I blame him for a lot of that. I would have been horribly depressed if I’d found myself in your situation.

Leave him, but it doesn’t have to be immediate. Take control / copies of important documents and know where the money is and how much. Make a financial plan and arrange where to live. Talk to your lawyer. And remember that, longterm, you cannot stay in this marriage: you cannot teach your daughter that this is what marriage should look like.

Good luck!

I’m sorry OP - this IS actual abuse.

You need to figure out what’s best for you and your daughter but if reporting it is the only way to protect her that is worth considering.

Under no circumstances even consider going to counseling with this man. Counselling is not advised where there is abuse. He will take what you say in this supposedly “safe” space and use it to undermine you, while giving nothing useful himself.

At the very least, please read the book I mention upthread before you take action, and see how you feel about the situation afterwards.

Leave him, he sounds awful you've stayed longer than I would have done in your situ

i'm sure you'll one day find someone who will treat you the way you deserve and will prioritise you and your little one over anything else. X

I don't understand the concept of a husband needing his wife's permission to take his child anywhere. My husband never asked me if he could take the kids any place, nor did I ever need to ask him. It would never have crossed my mind to think that he needed permission at any age to take them to see his parents.

The breastfeeding adds a slight layer of complexity but one that is easily resolvable.

Having a parent with a terminal illness is difficult and I don't think the need or desire to spend extra time with them lends itself to any notion of competition or prioritizing.

OP, at this stage, your infant daughter is not learning or observing anything about relationships, but her grandmother might be cheered at times by the sight of her grandmother.

You do not sound happy in this relationship, but if you separate, you will have no control over the amount of time your daughter spends at her grandmother's house.

Please for goodness sake don’t get pregnant again to this man.

The baby is a couple of months old, feeds regularly. He wanted to take her away from her mum and her only source of food and water for a whole day.

It doesn’t matter where he wanted to go or why, he didn’t care what damage would be done to a tiny infant by his selfishness. His parents already come over and get to see the baby several times a week.

OP asked for some notice so she could express, he said no.

He got in such a strop at her standing up for their baby’s needs he decided to stop doing basic care of the baby in revenge. He didn’t see the point.

Comparing a normal functional couple/family with this complete arsehole is irrelevant. Only one person cares about what the baby needs and it’s OP. Her twat of a husband clearly couldn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and what he wants.

Dear Lord @Disgruntledwife2023 please please just leave. Your poor daughter, you don’t want her growing up with this!

the mum isn’t the issue. Your ‘d’h is.

Milk can be pumped and stored. The mother may be the source of the food buy she need not be the only conveyor of the food.
The father should have equal access to his child without needing permission. He is not being treated as an equal parent when it is presented to him that he needs to get his wife's permission to take his child out of the house.

OP, if he is not helping as much as he should with the housework, the 2 of you should discuss a mutually agreed upon distribution of labor. If need be , you should hire a cleaner to come in once a month for a deep clean. The cost of once a month deep clean is probably roughly equivalent to the cost of a gym membership or the cost of participation in some hobbies.

If you separate, you will not have any say as to where or with whom your child spends time when she is with her father.

He doesn't want a wife, he wants someone to keep house. You (and your daughter) are worth so much more.

‘Conveyor of food’ WTF??

You sound like one of those wanky leaflets that talk about chest feeders.

The rest of your post is total bollocks too.

Try telling the baby who can convey the food! Many refuse a bottle. Pumping and storing milk also requires an element of labour - guess who’s labour that is?

I think you’ve misunderstood my reply to the likely male poster.

Did you bother to read all of the post I was quoting? Apparently, mothers are fairly irrelevant and should pump their milk rather than actually breast feed so that men can occasionally pop in and take over whenever they feel like it.

My response was aimed at the quoted post and not your response.

He is a horrible husband and parent. For you and your daughter leave him.

Hey I just came across your post because im
in a very similar situation. Have things got any better for you ?

Yeah the mother isn't going to die anytime soon, who knows what they are telling you is the truth anyhow. I would would be making plans to leave and not entertain this nonsense anymore!