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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

An ex has emailed out of the blue

31 replies

chocolateaddict231 · 11/01/2023 21:08

Hi ladies,

I hope you're well. I'm just a little confused so thought here might give me some clarity as friends have pre determined ideas about the situation.
I was with someone (very much on and off) for two and a half years. He had a lot of problems with commitment and was hot and cold. Everyone told me to walk away, but I kept letting him back, trying my best to make it work. When the pandemic hit I think he felt lonely and suddenly wanted to make it work with us, I tried for a while but I had a lot of resentment and the whole thing became toxic (I contributed to that too and regret the things I said sometimes).

It ended badly and I stopped responding to him as it was best for both of us. I even left my stuff behind, just walked away so we could move on. I'm now settled and happier, lovely relationship and haven't spoken to him for two and a half years. Suddenly he has emailed a big long email saying he has thought about me everyday and needs to know i'm ok. I can't help but feel this is just him feeling guilty and needing 'closure' to go on and be the good guy (he was very good at saving face to others when I was treated badly). He mentioned meeting up....

Has anyone been through similar and what would they advise? Don't respond or just a polite response? I do have guilt about things I said for those last days and do hope he's ok, but this has really shocked me.

OP posts:
tenbob · 11/01/2023 21:11

Ignore, block, don’t give it another second of headspace

Your friends have warned you to walk away from him, now this random internet stranger is urging you to do the same

NO good will come of meeting him. Your partner will be so hurt and your friends and family will be disappointed

Velvetbee · 11/01/2023 21:13

Ignore.

PauliesWalnuts · 11/01/2023 21:15

He’s after a shag. Ignore and block. You can do so much better.

Sasha07 · 11/01/2023 21:15

Personally, I'd let sleeping dogs lie.
I had a similar relationship but I was the one to reach out after a couple of years and the guy never replied. Which I was actually quite happy about as I know if we'd got talking again, we'd get stuck in the toxic loop again.

Him not replying was a sign he was doing well, as was I, it was just like an itch that needed scratched and once I'd messaged him, I'd got it out of my system and wasn't disappointed to be ignored. Some things are best left in the past. We were all likely different people back then, it can't serve us well to dredge it back up.

icelolly12 · 11/01/2023 21:15

Personally I'd send back a light, breezy, very positive reply about how great you're doing, he's clearly bored in his own life and wanting an ego boost that you're longing for him... I'd make it clear you're having the time of your life!

"I'm fantastic thank you, I'm in a fab relationship (add other exciting aspects of your life- travel, home, work etc). All the best for the New Year, take care!"

Vallmo47 · 11/01/2023 21:15

I would be tempted to respond to say that all is well, you are happily married and wish him well also, but this will be the last contact you have. Then block. Closure both ends, as long as you do stick to your guns.

Idontknowhatnametochoose · 11/01/2023 21:21

If he was a commitment phobe before there's no reason to believe he has changed now. Like others have said, he's no doubt bored and/or after sex. It's unlikely you'll gain anything more than you did with him in your life before. Sending a breezy reply saying you're doing really well could be quite telling!

MonaChopsis · 11/01/2023 21:21

He's just broken up with someone (or been dumped) and wants an ego boost. Block and ignore.

Starlightstarbright1 · 11/01/2023 21:24

I would ignore.

Any contact could create more encouragement.

No good will come of responding

gmailconfusion2 · 11/01/2023 21:26

Funny, I had an ex do similar. I exchanged a few messaged and have just left it as he's said he's in an unhappy relationship and looking for an out. I am not an out, really I should have just left it and ignored his message.

ChocoChocoLatte · 11/01/2023 21:34

block that selfish, unhinged head f*ck right now and remind yourself what a remarkable woman you are and how far you've come.

yousexybugger · 11/01/2023 21:37

I'd simply leave it and enjoy your current relationship. The time for him to care about your wellbeing was when you were together, not now. Better not to entertain this even with a short reply. I'd say the same if you were single but more so now you have something good going on, don't risk that being affected. If your partner had a charming but toxic ex emailing him all of this stuff, talking about caring about him and wanting to meet up, I'm sure you'd prefer him to just completely ignore them.

minopd · 11/01/2023 21:39

"I am happy, married and healthy but do not wish to meet or communicate again". Then block

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 11/01/2023 22:10

Thank you everyone. Some really wise (and kind) words. For the moment I've removed it from my inbox anyway and hope the thinking about it will pass in the next few days. He was terrible for coming back to me when lonely, especially at Christmas and the email says he has thought about me everyday but as people said he never seemed to think about me when we were together! x

OP posts:
whatadoodledo · 11/01/2023 22:15

minopd · 11/01/2023 21:39

"I am happy, married and healthy but do not wish to meet or communicate again". Then block

I like this.

ThePredictableScript · 11/01/2023 22:19

Hes probably sent the same email to many women that he strung along over the years, given that he couldn't commit, I imagine he has many. I'm sure you're special and lovely but I'm sure he would have reached out sooner if he was so cut up. Hes horny and seeing who can fill his nights up I imagine. I wouldn't even reply personally. It may encourage him plus silence speaks volumes. Be the one who got away. The one too good to even dignify a response. Leave him in the past and focus on your amazing new relationship. I'm sure your boyfriend would appreciate you not responding aswell.

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 11/01/2023 22:26

If you feel the need to apologise for things you said, you could do that. But definitely go on to close it down, and tell him you've moved on, you wish him all the best, etc etc, but that there is no point in him contacting you again. As you say, he's probably bored, and you've moved on.

Mywingshurt · 11/01/2023 22:37

Not responding in these situations sometimes sends a much clearer message than a well thought out reply ever does.

It'd bruise his ego and make it clear that you really just don't care anymore.

ButterflyOil · 11/01/2023 23:15

In my experience, anything from anyone you’ve been out of contact with especially if they treated you badly - that is anything other than a heartfelt apology with zero expectation of reply is just testing the waters to see if they can start up some kind of communication and get a response out of you. The moment you bite they set about messing with you again.

That’s why I ignore anything like that these days. Makes for a much calmer life!!

Original poster
chocolateaddict231 · 21/01/2023 19:37

Thanks everyone. I read every comment and mulled over this a lot, sent a polite short response saying my walls were up so I didn't think it was a good idea to be in touch and that I was good.

He responded saying that he's never lost contact with someone he was so close to which has made me feel pretty sad in a way but all the times he messed me around did he really think I was going to be his friend in the future?! I'm lost here! (I can be way too much of a people pleaser, hence the asking strangers on the internet for advice)

OP posts:
Marineboy67 · 21/01/2023 20:13

Don't give in to it or give him an inch of interest... he'll be like a rat up a drainpipe and probably knows your 'weak' spot. Listen to the advice people have given you and move forward not backwards

Alexya · 21/01/2023 20:18

Stop, just stop talking with him, he will just use and abuse you all over... he s bored that's his problem.

PrinceHaz · 21/01/2023 20:23

From your description of how you split, it doesn’t sound at all surprising that he’s contacted you like this. He’s not to be trusted. Try to ignore,

Celinia · 21/01/2023 20:30

I could be wrong but he’s probably feeling nostalgic and sorry for himself. I suspect his current relationship is on the rocks or ended and he’s feeling lonely and/or he’s having other problems. If he’d been that concerned about losing contact with you then he’d have messaged you ages ago. Don’t take the bait.

Ofcourseshecan · 21/01/2023 20:47

He responded saying that he's never lost contact with someone he was so close to, which has made me feel pretty sad

Whoopee, clever lad! He’s got exactly what he wanted (having probably sent the same messages to all his exes). You took the bait. What you say to him now is irrelevant. He’s got your attention and now he’ll start reeling you in.