Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband going gym.

44 replies

lisalash · 11/01/2023 14:40

Hi, I'm new here, please go easy.

My husband has just announced he might be joining the gym with a friend.

I’m a SAHM and we have a six year old and a baby under one.

My husband is a family man, and doesn’t really have a social life. I’m feeling very insecure about this now and I’m starting to worry.

I very rarely get out, I don’t really have a life. My life revolves around dirty dishes, dirty nappies and 2 whinging children.

I’m feeling quite resentful of my husband now, he plays football once a week which is more than what I do.

I’m also scared he’ll meet someone else of will be talking to woman down the gym.

Please no nasty comments.

OP posts:
Hadjab · 11/01/2023 14:42

OK, so have you told him you also need time out from the house? If so, what did he say? If not, why not?

Overandunderit · 11/01/2023 14:52

Why not plan time out of the house for you? Meet friends, get a hobby.

He's entitled to his own hobbies as long as there's balance.

hardu · 11/01/2023 15:01

Why don't you join something as well @lisalash Either the gym or some other hobby of your own.I think you'd feel less insecure then quite possibly.

Speak to your husband about it and tell him if you feel it's unfair. Arrange some time for yourself.

BIWI · 11/01/2023 15:02

Why are you expecting nasty comments?!

Are you fearful that your husband will be nasty if you say what you want?

I think you have every right to have more of a life than you seem to have, but I wonder why you haven't done anything about this? Does your DH control what you do/can't do?

User787878787878 · 11/01/2023 15:04

Have you spoken to your husband about having time to yourself? If you're feeling resentful of him playing football once a week then that's not healthy. On the face of it, him playing sport weekly is not unreasonable. Neither is wanting to join a gym.

Assuming your husband pulls his weight at home, then this needs a conversation about you having equal time to be able to relax and pursue hobbies of your own.

WallaceinAnderland · 11/01/2023 15:05

You don't want your husband to have a social life because you think he will cheat on you? That does sound controlling. Have you any reason to not trust him?

User787878787878 · 11/01/2023 15:05

And is there a reason why you are worried about him talking to women at the gym? Is this a general insecurity or is there a history of infidelity?

CatLick · 11/01/2023 15:09

It's perfectly reasonable for your husband to join a gym. Don't be worried he'll meet someone unless he has form. It's also perfectly reasonable for you to have some time off for whatever you would like to do. Explain to him that it would be good for you as a person because looking after two small kids is hard work.

cptartapp · 11/01/2023 15:11

As long as you get similar child free time every week I don't see a problem. Has he not suggested this?

arethereanyleftatall · 11/01/2023 15:13

Going to the gym shouldn't be a problem per se, in fact it's quite important!, so what you need to address is getting sone equal amount of time for you.

yorkshirepudsx · 11/01/2023 15:13

Hello!

First of all I think it can be quite common to feel this way, your partner is getting out, having time to do something he wants to do, without the responsibilities of children etc - of course you're going to feel somewhat negative!

You need to accept that this emotion is normal, human and then you can tackle the situation in a healthy way, for him as well as yourself

So - are there any things you enjoy doing? And it doesn't have to involve going out, is there anything that you can think of that you'd love to do?

I'd suggest that you work around each other, and maybe come up with a plan/schedule, in which you get some time for yourself and your own interests.

My partner goes out once a week (some weeks more) and some nights has time on his Xbox, I felt very similar to you when he first started going out - but then I oddly realised that I enjoyed the time I had without him, and I mentioned to him some of the things I'd like to start doing - I'm not big on going out, but, before kiddies I loved to sit and draw/paint, I loved long bubble baths and binge watching certain tv shows - not everybody's cup of tea but it's what I love!

So on the night he goes out, sometimes my MIL helps with the kids to give me time to myself, that's not always doable, so my partner will help me with the bedtime routine, he goes to his friends once that's done, and I either un myself a bath and pick something to watch, I get a takeaway sometimes too! Or i sit downstairs with my favourite music on quiet and I draw/paint 🥰
And on some weekends or if he has time off work, he sets an afternoon aside for me, I'm super chilled out about his hobbies, and sometimes they fully takeover and I don't get any time, so every now and then we have an afternoon for me, he gives me the option of what to do a whether it's an afternoon where he takes charge with parenting responsibilities and I have a bath, do my hair or even have a nap (sleepless nights kill me lol), or we go out as a family and do something I want to do, or he asks his MIL to help out, she takes the parenting responsibilities from us and we go somewhere I want to go!

The key is communicating with him your wishes and the things you want to do for you. Don't once you find a balance that works for you both, it's actually really nice!

Side note - there's even been times I've asked him if he wants to go out/make plans because I fancy a night of relaxing on my own once the bedtime routine is done with 🙈🙈

yorkshirepudsx · 11/01/2023 15:16

And I know it's easier said than done - but don't get too worried about him talking to other women at the gym,
I've had the same insecurity in the past (my partner started the gym when I was mega pregnant, insecure and hormonal lol) but it really isn't like that, they go to work out etc & are usually that busy, they don't notice who is around them,

Have you got issues with your own self image/self esteem? I only ask because I've had periods in my life where my anxiety has been SO bad it's taken a toll on my confidence and I can't understand what my partner sees in me - if this is the case, you need to make some time for you and have some self care! Do things to make yourself feel better about you ❤️❤️

KangarooKenny · 11/01/2023 16:29

You definitely need time away from home for yourself. If you don’t want it, then it’s fair enough that he does.
It’s good that he’s keeping fit for the family.

Thon · 11/01/2023 16:36

yorkshirepudsx · 11/01/2023 15:13

Hello!

First of all I think it can be quite common to feel this way, your partner is getting out, having time to do something he wants to do, without the responsibilities of children etc - of course you're going to feel somewhat negative!

You need to accept that this emotion is normal, human and then you can tackle the situation in a healthy way, for him as well as yourself

So - are there any things you enjoy doing? And it doesn't have to involve going out, is there anything that you can think of that you'd love to do?

I'd suggest that you work around each other, and maybe come up with a plan/schedule, in which you get some time for yourself and your own interests.

My partner goes out once a week (some weeks more) and some nights has time on his Xbox, I felt very similar to you when he first started going out - but then I oddly realised that I enjoyed the time I had without him, and I mentioned to him some of the things I'd like to start doing - I'm not big on going out, but, before kiddies I loved to sit and draw/paint, I loved long bubble baths and binge watching certain tv shows - not everybody's cup of tea but it's what I love!

So on the night he goes out, sometimes my MIL helps with the kids to give me time to myself, that's not always doable, so my partner will help me with the bedtime routine, he goes to his friends once that's done, and I either un myself a bath and pick something to watch, I get a takeaway sometimes too! Or i sit downstairs with my favourite music on quiet and I draw/paint 🥰
And on some weekends or if he has time off work, he sets an afternoon aside for me, I'm super chilled out about his hobbies, and sometimes they fully takeover and I don't get any time, so every now and then we have an afternoon for me, he gives me the option of what to do a whether it's an afternoon where he takes charge with parenting responsibilities and I have a bath, do my hair or even have a nap (sleepless nights kill me lol), or we go out as a family and do something I want to do, or he asks his MIL to help out, she takes the parenting responsibilities from us and we go somewhere I want to go!

The key is communicating with him your wishes and the things you want to do for you. Don't once you find a balance that works for you both, it's actually really nice!

Side note - there's even been times I've asked him if he wants to go out/make plans because I fancy a night of relaxing on my own once the bedtime routine is done with 🙈🙈

Great advice @yorkshirepudsx 👏

MajorCarolDanvers · 11/01/2023 16:51

There's nothing wrong with your DH going to the gym.

You need you own hobby and your time out of the house.

Get a hobby, volunteer, get a job. Make time for yourself. See some friends.

NerrSnerr · 11/01/2023 16:57

Have you spoken to him about you having a hobby/ time you yourself?

HappyNewYear2023 · 11/01/2023 17:02

You don't need to stop him having a social life, you need to also start having a social life.

Delandra · 11/01/2023 17:09

Don’t let the resentment fester, OP, you need a break too. Is the gym decent? Would you be keen to join this gym as well?

If you’re holding the fort whilst he does his sporty things twice a week, make sure he does the same for you too.

scaredysquiggle · 11/01/2023 17:20

The likelihood of him meeting a woman at the gym is very tiny. I go on an evening sometimes and it's 75% men and everyone is busy getting their workout done and getting back home with little interaction. The guys who are using the free weights and spotting each other chat but that's about it. Try not to worry and try to take some time for yourself. Sounds like you could do with a break from being mum. My kids are older now and can be left whilst I do things for me or with friends. Make some time for yourself now when possible.

Comedycook · 11/01/2023 17:22

I doubt he'll meet a woman at the gym.
.I've been to loads of gyms and no one chats anyone up.

SimoneSimone · 11/01/2023 17:32

He probably will speak to women at the gym. Doesn't mean he wants to sleep with them. What about when he is at work or in a shop? The opportunities are endless!

ExtraOnions · 11/01/2023 17:33

Depending on the gym .. might be good for you both to join. Family swim, they might have a crèche, kids clubs etc. Could be something nice for you to do together

Nowhereelsetogo90 · 11/01/2023 17:36

Feeling insecure that he’ll meet women at the gym isn’t normal in a healthy relationship.

However, resenting the shit out of him pursuing hobbies while you have no free time is fine and YANBU! Have a chat and get equal free time to yourself even if it’s to have a walk, bubble bath, etc, alone!

Namechanger355 · 11/01/2023 17:43

You seem a bit paranoid And controlling

he has every right to go to the gym. So do you.

choosy29 · 11/01/2023 19:19

Namechanger355 · 11/01/2023 17:43

You seem a bit paranoid And controlling

he has every right to go to the gym. So do you.

I don't think OP is controlling. She's just resentful towards him. It's normal. As he gets to have hobbies and go out looking after himself. Why don't you find something you like doing op? Maybe you should go to the gym some evenings and leave him with DC. Or even a walk or drive to Tescos 😊 you need to look after yourself too xxx

Swipe left for the next trending thread