Brother being mean to his wife and kid

[TartanTeddy81]

Over Christmas I spent some time with family including my older brother and his wife. My older brother has always been a bit difficult, he is highly strung and has huge unrealistic expectations of life and people. We have a much younger brother who was born after our parents made lot of money and had far better access to schools, hobbies, holidays abroad and so on and my older brother is always very bitter about it, still moaning about things he didn’t get that younger brother did. My parents didn’t deny us anything they could afford they just couldn’t afford as much when we were kids and we still had all we needed but it’s just his nature to feel this way.

Nothing is good enough for him, he is tall and was good looking as a young man but was more interested in going out and getting hammered which is fair enough perhaps. Then when he hit 32 he became obsessed with finding a wife and having lots of kids saying he couldn’t wait, how happy it would make him etc. He had difficulty finding someone though as the women were never good enough and he was very focused on finding someone much younger. There was a really nice woman on the scene for a while but when I asked him if she might be the one he said “ no, I don’t want someone old I want someone young” she was 2 years younger than him!

Anyway, he did finally meet his wife who is lovely and is 10 years younger than him. She struggled to conceive and the whole one he moaned about it and how he couldn’t wait to have kids. Then they had a baby and he hated it, parenting didn’t make him happy, didn’t live up to his expectations and so they stopped at one. He really seemed to struggle with the baby years and during that time worked away a lot leaving his wife and our parents to do most of the work.

Now their daughter is 8 and just a lovely girl, takes after her mother and I had thought they had settled into a good family life together. At Christmas though I sensed a real vibe between him and his wife or more that he was showing a great deal of contempt towards his wife. She was having fun, a bit tipsy and playing games with the rest of her family while he rolled his eyes at her and made little digs at her all night. He then slept on the couch ( they were staying at our parents) rather than in the bed with her, he announced this in front of the whole family and her and she looked really hurt.

Then on another day we were altogether without his wife who was visiting elsewhere and he was so mean to his daughter, she’s just a kid and was dancing with my kids and he kept saying how rubbish a dancer she was, just like her mum, he was barking instructions on how to dance, telling her to feel the music then rolling his eyes when she wasn’t doing it right, it was a bloody party game! I did tell him to let up and let her have fun. There were also endless comments about her clothes, my brother is always in designer everything and he dresses his daughter in designer clothes too but she’s a kid, she was playing about and her top got a bit dirty and he got so pissed off about it. It just felt like he was constantly needling her, it was grim really.

Then he was talking about buying a new PlayStation but said I better not as I’d end up getting a divorce and then he said actually that sounds brilliant let’s do it! He also made some comments about his wife’s appearance and how many wrinkles she had at her age as if he were shocked and disappointed about it.

Yes, my brother is a bit of a prick. He doesn’t appreciate what he has and what he would risk (his wife isn’t from this country and if they split I believe she would want to move home). I did speak to my mum about it, she noticed too but she finds that sort of thing very stressful at her age and just hops it will blow over. It is his nature so some extent he always thinks the next thing will be what makes him happy failing to realise he’ll never be happy with his attitude.

I know I can’t get involved in their marriage but can I at least tell my brother to get his head out of his arse before he loses it all. His wife is very laid back but she’s also very strong and won’t put up with being treated that way for long.

How does he react when you pull him up on stuff as it happens?

How rude, didn’t even read my post properly I did tell him to stop moaning at her and let her have fun more than once. A bit illiterate aren’t you?

He’ll shut up for a bit, be a bit huffy but just start back at it when it’s something else. I’m not especially close to my brother now and don’t see lots of him outside of big family get togethers.

You don't like it, tough.

Sounds like you didn't try hard enough to pull your brother up since you're talking about it in retrospect.

I'm off to enjoy a cup of tea with my illiteracy 😄

My post is long enough detailing his behaviour without every interjection I made (sorry to use complex words you will not understand).

You only posted that reply to be nasty when I was asking for help, what was the point of that? You are obviously a pretty horrible person with nothing better to do with their time than be a total bitch to strangers online.

Ignore the pp being an unhelpful twat.

If it were me I'd probably talk to his wife and check in. Say that I noticed he was in a shit mood with them and was being quite hard on their daughter and you wanted to make sure she was ok.

I can imagine that if you pull him up on his behaviour he'll shut it down and just not communicate with you, which wouldn't be overly helpful in this situation.

I think you probably can get involved in their relationship a bit, it sounds a bit abusive/controlling and it will impact the child negatively, although I understand why you're reluctant.

Talk to his wife. Tell her you noticed your brother was being pretty nasty/bad tempered. Let her know you’re their for her if she needs support. Eg. ´You’re always welcome to stay at ours if you and DN need a break’ (only if that’s a real feasible offer obviously).

Why are you being a dick and derailing the OP’s thread? Go away.

You brother is a bully OP, and is very likely eroding both his wife and daughters self esteem. I would be appalled at either of my children treating their partner in this manner and would make my feelings on the matter very clear. I would also advise the partner to do themselves a favour and leave.

I hope for their sake, his wife leaves him and takes the little girl too, he should not be left solely in charge of her to continue his demeaning abuse.

Someone with his attitude is unlikely to change anytime soon and any attempts at trying to make him see or understand how his behaviour impacts his family is likely to be met with defensiveness I imagine.

He sounds irretrievably selfish, in your situation I'd be supportive of him if he was trying to change his nasty attitude to the two most important people in his life.
I would also offer supportive kind words to the wife, letting her know that I didn't like the way he spoke to her or treated her and if she ever needed me if be there as the mother of my niece.

While you're at it shove a doughnut in your pie hole and button it.

Thanks to all who made the comment to speak to his wife. I’ll definitely do that, I found previously when I’ve tried to speak to her she will try and make out that things are all ok even when she is struggling as I said she is a strong person. However I hope knowing that she has our support and a place to stay ( we could offer that) will hopefully help. As for my brother, I’m kind of at a loss I think he needs therapy to resolve his issues, not sure how receptive he’d be to that though.

Did you leave any?

You can talk to him, but I can guarantee he'll take no notice.

I'd be working on being a friend to his wife, letting her know that you know he's an arsehole and she has your support.

If he’s like that in front of people, you can bet your bottom dollar he’s ten times worse behind closed doors. Please talk to her as soon as you can OP.

This is what I’m worried about, that he’s being like that or worse all the time. I will speak to my sister in law as soon as I can.

@TartanTeddy81 good luck! I hope she opens up to you.

I’d tell her that no matter what, you’re there for her and the children - whether that means a sympathetic ear or a flat deposit and a whiz around ikea.

I would leave the door open to his partner and daughter if they need it.

Thanks everyone who posted helpful advice. It seems unanimous that offering up support of my sil is the best way to go and that is what I’ll be doing in any way I can. Ideally this will wake up my brother so that he does sort himself out but if he doesn’t then I want to be there for his wife and child regardless of what happens.

Well done for pulling him up on it so far. Too many families collude in this type of behaviour by saying nothing.

@TartanTeddy81 my brother sounds the same as yours.

We are pretty much no contact for years now. He is a bully, horrible to his kids. Until his wife decides to leave him there is pretty much nothing we can do.

I really feel for my niece and nephew.

@PearlclutchersInc i am honestly interested, why be so mean? You must know your comment was unhelpful, would only cause op to be upset, why say it? I ask because there is another thread on why some posters are mean etc, just wondered your point of view?

I wouldn’t be so quick to assume the wife will leave him easily - having experience of men like this I doubt this is new behaviour which means she’s put up with this for at least 8 years so far. Let her know you recognise how wrong his behaviour is, support her, pull him up on it when he’s horrible and openly put him down.

He sounds like a incel-turned-horrible husband. I would genuinely be telling him that if he doesn't want to be alone when he's an old man he should stop being such a bastard to his nearest and dearest. If he behaves like that in front of you I guarantee he's ten times worse in private.