Brother being mean to his wife and kid

[TartanTeddy81]

Over Christmas I spent some time with family including my older brother and his wife. My older brother has always been a bit difficult, he is highly strung and has huge unrealistic expectations of life and people. We have a much younger brother who was born after our parents made lot of money and had far better access to schools, hobbies, holidays abroad and so on and my older brother is always very bitter about it, still moaning about things he didn’t get that younger brother did. My parents didn’t deny us anything they could afford they just couldn’t afford as much when we were kids and we still had all we needed but it’s just his nature to feel this way.

Nothing is good enough for him, he is tall and was good looking as a young man but was more interested in going out and getting hammered which is fair enough perhaps. Then when he hit 32 he became obsessed with finding a wife and having lots of kids saying he couldn’t wait, how happy it would make him etc. He had difficulty finding someone though as the women were never good enough and he was very focused on finding someone much younger. There was a really nice woman on the scene for a while but when I asked him if she might be the one he said “ no, I don’t want someone old I want someone young” she was 2 years younger than him!

Anyway, he did finally meet his wife who is lovely and is 10 years younger than him. She struggled to conceive and the whole one he moaned about it and how he couldn’t wait to have kids. Then they had a baby and he hated it, parenting didn’t make him happy, didn’t live up to his expectations and so they stopped at one. He really seemed to struggle with the baby years and during that time worked away a lot leaving his wife and our parents to do most of the work.

Now their daughter is 8 and just a lovely girl, takes after her mother and I had thought they had settled into a good family life together. At Christmas though I sensed a real vibe between him and his wife or more that he was showing a great deal of contempt towards his wife. She was having fun, a bit tipsy and playing games with the rest of her family while he rolled his eyes at her and made little digs at her all night. He then slept on the couch ( they were staying at our parents) rather than in the bed with her, he announced this in front of the whole family and her and she looked really hurt.

Then on another day we were altogether without his wife who was visiting elsewhere and he was so mean to his daughter, she’s just a kid and was dancing with my kids and he kept saying how rubbish a dancer she was, just like her mum, he was barking instructions on how to dance, telling her to feel the music then rolling his eyes when she wasn’t doing it right, it was a bloody party game! I did tell him to let up and let her have fun. There were also endless comments about her clothes, my brother is always in designer everything and he dresses his daughter in designer clothes too but she’s a kid, she was playing about and her top got a bit dirty and he got so pissed off about it. It just felt like he was constantly needling her, it was grim really.

Then he was talking about buying a new PlayStation but said I better not as I’d end up getting a divorce and then he said actually that sounds brilliant let’s do it! He also made some comments about his wife’s appearance and how many wrinkles she had at her age as if he were shocked and disappointed about it.

Yes, my brother is a bit of a prick. He doesn’t appreciate what he has and what he would risk (his wife isn’t from this country and if they split I believe she would want to move home). I did speak to my mum about it, she noticed too but she finds that sort of thing very stressful at her age and just hops it will blow over. It is his nature so some extent he always thinks the next thing will be what makes him happy failing to realise he’ll never be happy with his attitude.

I know I can’t get involved in their marriage but can I at least tell my brother to get his head out of his arse before he loses it all. His wife is very laid back but she’s also very strong and won’t put up with being treated that way for long.

@GreenTomato67 name change fail?

Good plan, OP. Your SIL may try to keep up a good front, but she needs to take action for her DD’s sake as well as her own. As she’s come from abroad she may be feeling isolated, and your support will be a big help.

As for your brother, I can’t see him ever changing. He’s just a pr*ck.

I would make it very clear that you will support her and her daughter (as she will be thinking that as he is your brother you will be on his side). He may also have spun her a yarn about how his family don’t like her/she made a fool of herself/ you all laughed at her when she went to bed etc etc if he is abusive.

I would say you are disappointed at how he treated his daughter and you are in support of her etc. She may not be aware about how awful he is when she is not there.

I would also make notes on what he said to his dd as if/when they split up she may need this if he wants 50/50 to avoid maintenance/continue to abuse her. I doubt he will let them return to her home country.

He sounds awful and it’s great that you want to support his DW.

I agree that you need to make it extremely clear that you are there for her and her daughter. I'm guessing she has no family in this country and that puts her in a very, very difficult situation.

Depending where she's from too, keep in mind that the definitions of abuse may be less well known. I'm in a progressive EU country - or one that considers itself that way at least - and they still only consider domestic abuse to involve physical violence. A certain lip service is paid to psychological abuse, but it's more usually seen as a "difference of personalities".... So I'd be clear too that you find his behaviour unacceptable and you were shocked by what you saw as it was mean. And I'd say "He was so mean, I couldn't believe he said X". I think you may need to specifically use labels and examples like that, because it's likely she's so used to it, and unsure of herself because she's younger than him (and you know he wanted that power dynamic), that she's probably living in a fog of his behaviour.

Even if she brushes you off, and I think that's quite likely, the next time he says something mean, and the time after that and after that, she'll remember.

And in public I'd pick him up on it, like you have.

What a prick.

I agree with speaking to your SIL. With offers of support as others have said, but also so that she knows it’s not “her” that’s done anything wrong or is “making” him like this - basically that the behaviour and attitude is exactly in line with how he’s been for years. I often see on here women wondering what they are doing wrong to make their partners act in a certain way - and it might help her to know it’s definitely him, not her.

Some great advice here in supporting your SIL directly and picking your brother up on his shitty comments when he makes them. Maybe also include praise and reassurance to your SIL and niece at the same time so they know you have their back even in public. And he sees it too. What a bully he is.

I’d tell the wife to leave the grumpy b… for her and her daughter’s sake. That girl will end up with huge daddy issues and being treated same as her mother is. That is if you don’t want to give your DB a proper cold shower and tell him what a monumental prick he is.

You can either) ignore it all and hope it improves or you can confront your brother about his behaviour. He might not take it well and it might make no difference.

I wonder if he realizes that he is acting abnormally? Do you think they could do with a bit of marriage counselling. It sounds as if his behaviour is probably rooted in feeling he lost out compared to his brother. He obviously thinks he has something to prove - trophy wife and designer clothes.

You might need to build an exclusive relationship with her first.