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Original poster

To not be there when MIL is dying?

30 replies

thesurreymum · 10/01/2023 23:12

My MIL is dying of cancer. She lives abroad 3 hour flight. DH has been back and forth for months. He just came back last Wednesday and has a flight booked Thursday as it's looking like the end is near. I have 2 primary school children. I can only get childcare for Friday-Sunday. DH says I should stay home with the kids but I want to support him. I've never left the kids for more than 1 night let alone leave the country. Also the person looking after the kids can't take anytime off work so if I missed Sundays flight it would be a big problem. I have no one else to help with them.
DH 3 siblings are there so he won't be on his own but still I feel I should be there.

Should I just go Friday-Sunday Or support him best by taking care of the kids.

OP posts:

Original poster

thesurreymum · 10/01/2023 23:14

Just to add I can't take the kids. We went in October and that was kind of their goodbye

OP posts:

Starryskiesinthesky · 10/01/2023 23:16

I would go Friday - Sunday.

minticecreamisjustok · 10/01/2023 23:17

I would stay home, your kids need you more. You DH as you say won't be alone.

TheUsualChaos · 10/01/2023 23:18

As he's not alone, I would stay home I think. Sounds like a situation where there's no easy solution but your DC probably need as much stability as possible atm.

QueenCamilla · 10/01/2023 23:19

Would MIL want you there?

Some of my elderly female relatives wanted the dignity of privacy and the nearest few only...

GreenManalishi · 10/01/2023 23:19

I'd stay home, he's with his siblings

Mumoftwoinprimary · 10/01/2023 23:19

In that situation the thing I would want most from my spouse is for them to look after the kids so I don’t need to worry about them.

Morielle · 10/01/2023 23:20

Nope, stay with the kids and scoop him up when he gets back

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/01/2023 23:21

I would stay home and make sure I could travel for the funeral.

ACynicalDad · 10/01/2023 23:21

Only one daughter I’m law went to Balmoral to see the queen. Are other partners going (or do they live there).

Toomanysleepycats · 10/01/2023 23:21

Personally, I would stay with the kids.

He will have the support of his siblings. If he has to stay longer it won’t be a faff extending because the children will be with you. If he’s suggesting you stay, then he probably feels he can cope better knowing the kids are with you.

JupiterSaturnMars · 10/01/2023 23:22

Stay home and look after your children. They need you. Your DH has his siblings. Your children are losing their grandmother so need your support more IMO. Your DH has you when he gets home.

BlastedPimples · 10/01/2023 23:25

Stay home.

MiddleParking · 10/01/2023 23:26

Mumoftwoinprimary · 10/01/2023 23:19

In that situation the thing I would want most from my spouse is for them to look after the kids so I don’t need to worry about them.

Same. The most supportive thing you could do for him I think.

onionringcheeseypuff · 10/01/2023 23:27

Stay home

My mother in law passed away recently, i last saw her a week before her death. DH stayed with her the final days reassured that everything was taking care of in his home, we would be there to take care of him after he had taken care of his mum.

Take the worry of you and the kids away from him and be at the end of the phone when he needs you.

silverclock222 · 10/01/2023 23:27

Stay home like he has asked and really it's his mother, no need for you to be there.

mrsfollowill · 10/01/2023 23:28

When my dad died it was just my mum, me and my sister. He went peacefully at home. My sister's DH and mine stayed at home and looked after our young children- it made it 'better' in a way knowing I could just concentrate on being with mum/dad/sis without fretting about the kids. DH's dad died more recently- at the end on the day when he died it was just siblings and their mum. It's just what felt right for us all. You can still support him from a distance and will be waiting at home for him at the end.

Misty666 · 10/01/2023 23:32

My MIL passed during lockdown and i wasn't able to be with her. My hubby had passed and then my dad. But i couldn't get in to see her at the end. Life throws us the most awful situations and she is in your thoughts, while you are doing what you can to be a mother. And then a supportive wife. We all need to be kinder to ourselves and this is , sadly out of your control. Don't forget, that you are doing your best.

2bazookas · 10/01/2023 23:42

I'd stay home with the kids; DH will have his siblings and can focus entirely on saying goodbye rather than worrying about the children.

Pallisers · 10/01/2023 23:47

I've been in that situation - 3 times so far. Our kids are now old enough that it won't be an issue next time.

I agree knowing you are keeping everything going back home is invaluable to your dh. That said, when my mum died my dh and the children came over and it was SO comforting to me. So I see where you are coming from. But if your children can't travel with you (and it makes sense that they won't) then either go for a brief weekend or don't go.

Sorry for you all.

Mumof1andacat · 10/01/2023 23:48

You are being there for dh by keeping things going at home. It's one less stress to for him to worry about. You'll be there when he's home too.

NewNameForXmas · 10/01/2023 23:51

So sorry for your situation. When DH's dad was dying, I packed him off to visit and I stayed home with the kids and kept things going. It was a relief to him to be and to go and concentrate on his dad without worrying about anything else.

Daffodilsandtuplips · 10/01/2023 23:53

Staying at home with your children is what he’s asked of you so do just that. The children will need you too if they are of an age when they understand what’s happening.

feelingfree17 · 10/01/2023 23:54

I would stay at home keeping everything normal with family life. He will be comforted that this part of his life is being taken care of, so he can concentrate on being totally present with his Mum. He has his siblings with him. You can be there for him when he returns home, and support him over the coming months.

SausageMonkey2 · 10/01/2023 23:56

@mrsfollowill is right. When my Dad died it was me, my sister and my mum. DH looked after the kids (4 and 2) and it was a relief that I didn’t have to look after them or to be blunt even think of them in his final hours. I knew that they were well taken care of by DH and that was the help I needed.

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