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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating Partner

40 replies

priv12 · 10/01/2023 10:25

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years and a year Ago we bought our first house together.He has previously been on 'Lads' holidays prior to this year however, this year he went on 2. We have recently prior to the holidays been talking about starting a family together.

The second holiday he was the only single lad. I have recently found out he slept with another girl whilst on the second holiday for 2 of the nights but has admitted he was drunk and had taken coke. When I found out he was very apologetic and even in tears but ended things straight away and said we couldn't move past it, I'm presuming he was feeling very guilty. I kicked him out of the house and 2 weeks later he decided he did want to work through things. We have never had any trust issues before this. Since then he has said he never wants to go away without me again and has stopped drinking. Can you move forward with something like this? Is it a mistake? How do I move forward?

OP posts:

Zanatdy · 10/01/2023 15:05

If I had kids with him I might attempt to forgive and move on. 2 nights isn’t a moment of madness. As no kids I’d move on, he clearly doesn’t value you or the relationship enough if prepared to throw it away so easily.

WatieKatie · 10/01/2023 15:38

You’ve got him out of the house. He’s the one who ended it after cheating. He drinks and takes drugs. For goodness sakes run like the wind.

NothingBut · 10/01/2023 15:42

What about the next time he wants to go on a lads weekend away or even a night out for a stag do or something? You won’t trust him whatsoever.

Carlycat · 10/01/2023 22:13

Bin the cheating drug addled scrote
And get some damned self respect

SunflowerTed · 10/01/2023 22:23

Carlycat · 10/01/2023 22:13

Bin the cheating drug addled scrote
And get some damned self respect

Couldn’t have put it better myself

Unsure33 · 30/03/2023 13:09

Why are you blaming Yourself for his faults and problems . Honestly you don’t need all his stress in your life . Get rid , move on . You will ultimately be much happier.

boysmum23 · 01/04/2023 15:56

ew no way.. run away! and what a cheeky f**ker to say he wants to work on it, thats not his choice to make, its yours and i hope you decide to tell him where to go. as others have said one night is bad enough but two nights is just taking the piss out of you. it wouldnt of been just 2 nights it'd be spending the day together too. little holiday romance while your at home waiting for him, hes vile and you deserve better

Frogger8395 · 01/04/2023 16:11

So he’s cheated then dumped you. You’ll probably have to get over it pretty quickly or he will dump you again.

Flashingtealights · 01/04/2023 17:19

He had sex with other women on 2 nights of his holiday. He does coke.
Why would anyone even consider a relationship with such a complete and utter waster, I must be missing something. Your bar isn’t low, it’s non existent

VORE · 10/10/2023 10:45

When I found out he was very apologetic and even in tears but ended things straight away and said we couldn't move past it, I'm presuming he was feeling very guilty.

This is not guilt. This is a manipulation tactic to scare you in the hopes you’ll be so miserable without him that he can just swan back in and you’ll forgive him.

My ex did the exact same thing to me when I found out he cheated and it worked - meant he could come back and I was under his thumb for fear he would leave me again.

And even if it’s not a manipulation tactic - do you really want to be with someone who when YOU find out he’s cheated on YOU they walk away?!?!?

If this man was truly sorry/loved you I would be expecting grovelling from the moment you found out and doing everything in his power to fix the situation - not ending it.

But this man has basically just shown to you that when the going gets tough he is going to bolt - this is not someone I would want to be having kids with TRUST ME!

My partner/ father of my children is the best most loving and supportive man and I would never for a second dream he would cheat on me and I THANK MY LUCKY STARS EVERYDAY that I did not tie myself to my ex with kids!

Trust me OP you’ve been given an out before you are properly entangled with this man - take it and find someone who treats you like the most precious thing in the world because trust me those men are out there!

Specso · 10/10/2023 10:55

He will almost certainly do this again.

Next time you might be married and have a baby. Please don’t tie yourself to someone who has already proven he’s an untrustworthy cheat. You deserve so much better.

Opentooffers · 10/10/2023 11:27

Oh dear, you've got problems of not being able to stick up for yourself and have no boundaries for some reason.
'He' decided to end it because 'he' was unfaithful!!!! He should of been begging you to forgive him. Then after 2 weeks he decides to give it another chance and you roll over ???
Are they his words of being the only 'single' lad on a lads holiday? Because he was in no way single either at the time, sharing a house together is in no way 'single'. Its also pretty hard to defend your actions when on a holiday with a bunch of married people who are not there to do likewise and most likely not egging each other on. It's not like he had peer pressure. He also went back for more.
How did you find all this out? Did he spill it all, because if he did, it sounds like he is testing you to see how much of a doormat you could be and, therefore, how much he can get away with in future.
It's notable that you say you've had discussions of starting a family, where's the discussion of marriage? Down the line you may find he's done more stuff on holiday, but it's OK because he's the only 'single' Dad on the holiday. Seems as long as he's not married it's a free pass, so all he needs to do is not marry you.
Chuck this one back, he's walking all over you and you are letting him. Make the decision to end it yourself.

LemonyTicket · 10/10/2023 14:29

It's possible to reconcile after cheating, but I think the process must be:

Offending partner has to do anything/ everything the betrayed partner wants or needs to rebuild trust and this generally takes years.

Offending partner has to get counselling to explore the real reason they did it and repair that part of themselves. Booze and Coke isn't the real reason.

Betrayed partner has to be patient and generous enough to hang around for that, as well as healing themselves.

It's hard work.

Think about if he's worth it or up to the job.

IsThePopeCatholic · 10/10/2023 14:48

Don’t put up with this. He’s a cheat and will do it again. You will never have peace of mind.

Channellingsophistication · 10/10/2023 15:42

So he didn’t feel sufficiently guilty after the first time cheating to stop it happening again the next night … he then ended it with you? Was he perhaps hoping you would end it and as you didnt he did..?

I think it would be a mistake to forgive him. He has demonstrated he is not committed to the relationship so thats no basis for a happy future for you. If you forgive him, you are committing yourself to a life of worrying about what he might be up to….

I would see this as a lucky escape, dodging a bullet. I know it will be painful to break up, but it will be short term pain for longer term happiness if you move on without him.

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