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Original poster

Cheating Partner

40 replies

priv12 · 10/01/2023 10:25

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years and a year Ago we bought our first house together.He has previously been on 'Lads' holidays prior to this year however, this year he went on 2. We have recently prior to the holidays been talking about starting a family together.

The second holiday he was the only single lad. I have recently found out he slept with another girl whilst on the second holiday for 2 of the nights but has admitted he was drunk and had taken coke. When I found out he was very apologetic and even in tears but ended things straight away and said we couldn't move past it, I'm presuming he was feeling very guilty. I kicked him out of the house and 2 weeks later he decided he did want to work through things. We have never had any trust issues before this. Since then he has said he never wants to go away without me again and has stopped drinking. Can you move forward with something like this? Is it a mistake? How do I move forward?

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 10/01/2023 10:31

Only you can decide if you can trust him again.

I couldn’t get past this, breaking trust is a deal breaker & everyone (bar 1) that I know that this has happened to have gone on to split up. Either they haven’t been able to trust them again which has resulted in many arguments or they’ve gone on to do it again.

Best of luck whatever you decide but certainly get checked out for STI’s.

supercali77 · 10/01/2023 10:34

If you don't have kids together yet I wouldn't attempt it myself. It's just locking yourself further into a situation with someone who couldn't stay loyal during relatively easy times. Once kids arrive it all gets harder.

enhanced · 10/01/2023 10:39

I personally don't see the reasons why someone would want to go on a lads holiday so often when they have a partner at home. Not to say they should never go but it's odd to me to want to do it every year or often.

If he was unfaithful on holiday then that will be a huge trigger for you if he goes. I wouldn't be able to handle it if my partner had cheated on a lads holiday and was going again. The situation and environment clearly isn't good for him. Not only that, what kind of friends does he have that they didn't talk him out of it. I know he's an adult but my friends would be mortified if I was cheating on my partner and it would be out of character for me. I guess you can't tell him he can't go but I think if he loves you and wants things to work he should wait longer than this to put himself back into this sort of situation, especially if it is still making you feel uncomfortable

MrsTag · 10/01/2023 10:39

When I found out he was very apologetic and even in tears but ended things straight away and said we couldn't move past it, I'm presuming he was feeling very guilty

Who ended things and said we couldn't move past it? Him or you?

Ladybug14 · 10/01/2023 10:41

TWO nights of cheating. On the same holiday ?

Bin

Original poster
priv12 · 10/01/2023 10:54

he did!

OP posts:
Original poster
priv12 · 10/01/2023 10:54

priv12 · 10/01/2023 10:54

he did!

^

OP posts:
LarryStylinson · 10/01/2023 10:56

Run the fuck away.
Before you've a marriage and kids to untangle from the whole sorry mess.
You deserve better. He'd just hide it better next time

crochetandacuppa · 10/01/2023 10:58

Every circumstance of infidelity, the relationship, the reasons it happened, the people involved is unique. Only you and he can determine whether this is something you can work through. I would recommend visiting the Surviving Infidelity forums and the subreddit R/asoneafterinfidelity for support from people who have been in your situation (Mumsnet isn’t the best place for this).

As a starting point, your partner should read “How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair”, which you can find as a free PDF online.

I’m 6 months into reconciliation with my H after his affair. It’s not an easy road and it requires a lot of work from both sides, including investing in individual and couples therapy, lots of open and vulnerable communication and handling very difficult emotions.

SuperFly123 · 10/01/2023 11:01

Ew. Nope sorry. He’d be eating my dust.

FatPatsCat · 10/01/2023 11:02

So HE ended it, did I get that right? And then HE decided he wanted to work on it?

With kindness, why are you letting him walk all over you?

HappyNewYear2023 · 10/01/2023 11:08

Eww get rid of him please. Don't bring kids into this shambles of a relationship.

Emmamoo89 · 10/01/2023 11:09

You deserve so much better.

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 11:15

2 nights cheating. Not a pissed up snog on the dance floor.

How will you ever be able to trust him again?

Starlitestarbright · 10/01/2023 11:19

I suspect he did the same on the others boys holiday. He knew excately what he doing. Get rid you can sell a house don't tie yourself with a baby

MargaritMargo · 10/01/2023 11:25

The thing is OP, he might be genuinely sorry and mortified and mean it when he says he regrets it.

He fucked up and he may have learned a very hard lesson and 100% never do it again.

BUT can you really forgive it? Even if you learned to trust him again (which would be very hard I think) do you want to forgive him?

It’s not like you’re 21 and it was his first holiday abroad and got carried away. You’re fully grown adults with a house together.

he can be as sorry as he liked, he could be the sorriest person ever but you still don’t have to forgive him or give him another chance.

You’re not married, have no kids and can extract yourself relatively easy. It doesn’t sound like he’s ready to be a committed adult and even if now he is, if this has taught him a lesson and he’s ready to grow the fuck up - it doesn’t have to be with you.

i forgave the first time a boyfriend cheated on me and to be fair wr stayed together for some time and even got married - guess what, he had an affair.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. I learned the hard way! (Although I’m very happy now and he’s still single and slightly pathetic)

Sunflowergirl1 · 10/01/2023 11:33

Not married and no kids...run a mile. Sorry but he will do it again...nearly a certain outcome

pawprintseverywhere · 10/01/2023 11:34

priv12 · 10/01/2023 10:25

Me and my partner have been together for 8 years and a year Ago we bought our first house together.He has previously been on 'Lads' holidays prior to this year however, this year he went on 2. We have recently prior to the holidays been talking about starting a family together.

The second holiday he was the only single lad. I have recently found out he slept with another girl whilst on the second holiday for 2 of the nights but has admitted he was drunk and had taken coke. When I found out he was very apologetic and even in tears but ended things straight away and said we couldn't move past it, I'm presuming he was feeling very guilty. I kicked him out of the house and 2 weeks later he decided he did want to work through things. We have never had any trust issues before this. Since then he has said he never wants to go away without me again and has stopped drinking. Can you move forward with something like this? Is it a mistake? How do I move forward?

Basically he'd be gone but I'm struggling to understand when you say "The only single lad" on the holiday? In what context? Were you not together or did the other guys take DPs on holiday? Sorry if it is very clear to understand I have covid and my head is whooshing.

Ravenrobin309 · 10/01/2023 12:07

He cheated and made a mistake... over TWO nights? If he did it one night it would be bad enough and he could have blamed the drugs and drink... but then he still done the same thing the next night.
How did you find out ? He obviously didn't feel guilty enough to tell you.
Be thankful you have had this big red flag before kids. You can walk away

minticecreamisjustok · 10/01/2023 12:17

Not a risk I would take knowing he has cheated, you shouldn't have to stop him going anywhere to trust him or for him to trust himself. I doubt very much he has grown up enough as this is very recent.

Dery · 10/01/2023 12:29

“So HE ended it, did I get that right? And then HE decided he wanted to work on it?

With kindness, why are you letting him walk all over you?”

This.

And this.

“He cheated and made a mistake... over TWO nights? If he did it one night it would be bad enough and he could have blamed the drugs and drink... but then he still done the same thing the next night.
How did you find out ? He obviously didn't feel guilty enough to tell you.

Be thankful you have had this big red flag before kids. You can walk away”

I think it’s really instructive that he was the one to end your relationship after he cheated. That suggests to me that deep down he wants out. Perhaps he thought the woman he spent 2 nights with might be available. And the fact that it was 2 nights rules out it being a mistake. Sounds like he basically shacked up with her for a couple of days and nights. Only you can decide if you can trust him again but it sounds unlikely.

altmember · 10/01/2023 12:56

He's done it before and he'll do it again just as easily.

Since then he has said he never wants to go away without me again
Clearly he doesn't even trust himself no to cheat again, so how the hell are you supposed to trust him?

GreyCarpet · 10/01/2023 13:02

It wasn't clear but I read it as the OP ended the relationship.

Either way, I wouldn't trust him or attempt to move past it either.

I know some people do but no relationship is worth sacrificing my peace of independence for. I don't want to have to 'work' at trusting someone again.

ItsaMetalBand · 10/01/2023 14:25

One night could be a mistake - possibly.
Two nights cheating is intentional.

If you found out by yourself and he didn't confess it unprompted then it's obviously something he could live with comfortably enough without the guilt plaguing him...

He's basically said that he needs you there to ensure he never sticks his cock where it shouldn't go again.

All very well to say he can never go on a lads holiday but what about when his Christmas work party is on? Or a wedding you can't go to because you are not well/ too pregnant to travel or whatever. Or even a regular weekend night out?

Right now, your relationship is at it's most carefree, sexiest, & loved up. And it still wasn't enough for him. Fast forward to when you've kids, you're broke and have not had a date night in months and you can't peel the baby off you long enough for a quickie your mental health will be shot with him buggering off on his nights out without you.

In the bin.

ChristmasFluff · 10/01/2023 14:28

ChumpLady.com is much better and more truthful about this than the reconciliation industry shite. Read that before you read anything else.

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