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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband doesn’t ever consider consequences

48 replies

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 05:36

Hi all

Does anyone else’s husband just never consider the consequences of their actions?

Recent examples include drinking while having serious health problems; forgetting to pay credit card on time even though the amount is tiny and it resulted in being declined new mortgage; taking excessive amounts of pain relief; forgetting to take prescription medication for said health problems; ordering prescription medication when already out; eating badly all day like cheese on toast despite lovely meals being prepared for everyone else; only exercising in excessive fashion ( never exercises then goes for a really difficult run and is in pain afterwards); staying up late then unable to help with childcare next day etc.

It used to be quite minor ( late payment fees for forgetting to pay credit card bill when we were 25) but as he has gotten older it’s much worse. Now I look back he’s always leaned towards it but now it’s quite bad. I used to pick up slack when we were younger and I think that made it worse now I look back I could kick myself as it just encourages it obviously.

Any one see this before?

how do I make sure my kids don’t inherent this?

thank you

OP posts:
EVHead · 10/01/2023 05:49

Have you discussed it with him?

shewolfsout · 10/01/2023 05:51

What are his serious health problems? Is he depressed?

dolor · 10/01/2023 05:51

Any neurodivergent people in the family?

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2023 06:18

dolor · 10/01/2023 05:51

Any neurodivergent people in the family?

I have ADHD and this sounds Ike me.

dolor · 10/01/2023 07:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2023 06:18

I have ADHD and this sounds Ike me.

Show quote history

I have it too, and it does get worse the older you get.

BotherThat · 10/01/2023 07:41

Same, same. I have ADHD.

Watchkeys · 10/01/2023 09:31

How does he feel about it?

StrawbRhi · 10/01/2023 10:49

Agree with PP, sounds like ADHD

Notjustabrunette · 10/01/2023 11:30

Im picking up on adhd vibes too.

Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 11:39

It’s definitely getting much worse.

I wouldn’t think ADHD but I could believe he is depressed a little. It also strikes me as also just laziness and having someone do stuff for him all the time has enabled this.

When I talk to him about it he generally gets defensive and then I have to hassle him constantly to fix whatever the immediate issue is. I can’t rely on him to do it I have to ask 5 times and then it takes him ages. He also lies now and says he has done it when he hasn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 11:42

He’s also massively successful at work - he works in finance. i imagine he leaves things until they are on fire at work as well but seems to get away with it

No neuro divergence in family as far as I’m aware.

OP posts:
Alaldlccmemsjzja · 10/01/2023 11:44

tbh I really struggle to pay bills and I have no idea why? I do have dyslexia but I know I need to pay my bills and I know the dates they’re due
I also feel very content when they’re paid

but for some reason, I just really struggle to do it sometimes?

tho tbh it’s not fair on you to have to keep on top of his basic adult skills. He should be able to manage basic tasks. If he can’t he needs a medical assessment and then further action if necessary

how exhausting for you I’m really sorry

Tuilpmouse · 10/01/2023 13:21

.... staying up late then unable to help with childcare next day etc.

On the basis that broken nights are parr for the course when you have young children, this excuse seems very feeble...

daisyjgrey · 10/01/2023 14:28

I have adhd and risk taking behaviour can be part of it. I am very slapdash with painkillers.

YABU to imply they cheese on toast isn't lovely though.

AliceMcK · 10/01/2023 14:33

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 11:39

It’s definitely getting much worse.

I wouldn’t think ADHD but I could believe he is depressed a little. It also strikes me as also just laziness and having someone do stuff for him all the time has enabled this.

When I talk to him about it he generally gets defensive and then I have to hassle him constantly to fix whatever the immediate issue is. I can’t rely on him to do it I have to ask 5 times and then it takes him ages. He also lies now and says he has done it when he hasn’t.

Definitely sounds ADHD - my DH is exactly the same although improved recently. He’s very successful at work but even his colleagues have suggested he may have ADHD. He is currently seeking a diagnosis.

Bogiesaremyonlyfriend · 10/01/2023 14:35

Yup, h is 100% like this. Doesn't care and then leaves me to deal with the fall out. If I'm not there to remind him to sleep or eat he will 'forget'. It's exhausting. Like living with a giant toddler.

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 14:43

My DH has ADHD and I could've written this!

It took a few years to spot it, then a few more to get a diagnosis. But his behaviour was/is very similar. I felt like throttling him, but now I know his behaviour is not just him trying to annoy me (that's what it felt like for years 😂).

FYI - my DH runs his own successful business and is capable of managing things at work (with support in the right places). So you never know!

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 14:52

To add, my DH did (and still does to some extent) suffer with depression. I believe it's from years of getting things wrong and having such low self worth.

He's far happier since his diagnosis, but still has dips. He's not medicated, but hopes to try it.

I helped him by taking over the house admin and supporting him to set reminders for things like ordering medication (he forgot every month and I'd have to rush around for a rushed prescription, but he now does it independently). This sounds trivial, but has been empowering and really helpful for us both.

I leave him to eat what he likes. It's unhealthy, but I'm not his mom. I have also read recently that over exercise and over eating can be related to adhd, as both release dopamine, which is believed to be the primary cause of the condition.

I was worried that my DD would watch our marriage and see me carrying the weight of the household, but it's looking like she has adhd too (very different presentation).

FatandAlmostForty · 10/01/2023 14:55

Ok is this not just a man thing?!?!?! My DH can be told to do something 5 times and still 'forgets' and then he gets defensive when I just get on and sort things myself. I was going to do that you didn't need to do it all yourself, you only needed to ask...

I find that its easier to do something myself than ask a few times and then still not have something done. I thought this was atypical mans approach to life...am I wrong can it all be blamed on ADHD? 🤔😂

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 15:28

FatandAlmostForty · 10/01/2023 14:55

Ok is this not just a man thing?!?!?! My DH can be told to do something 5 times and still 'forgets' and then he gets defensive when I just get on and sort things myself. I was going to do that you didn't need to do it all yourself, you only needed to ask...

I find that its easier to do something myself than ask a few times and then still not have something done. I thought this was atypical mans approach to life...am I wrong can it all be blamed on ADHD? 🤔😂

I spent years thinking this. To some extent (especially if they've been brought up with one parent (usually mom!) doing the lions share of the household) it can be really easy to say that's what's happening.

In many cases I suspect that to be true.

In my case, I always suspected something else was going on. Outward behaviour - you see someone who doesn't care about your needs, who doesn't listen when you ask for the forth/fifth time. It took a long time to unpick what was happening, but we got there in the end.

The depression was a huge thing for us, as there was never a cause established - just put onto antidepressants for eternity. This was the factor in the OP that made me think of my DH.

Nat1833 · 10/01/2023 15:32

Does he have any good points because I would have been out of there early doors. Sounds lazy to me. Was he the type who had a mum that did everything for him. Picked up his dirty clothes, washed his dishes etc. a childhood/early adulthood of basically being waited on?

jojojanner · 10/01/2023 16:07

I have ADHD and this sounds like me and I wouldn't survive without my really understanding dh.
If it is this he can't help it and life with ADHD is hard enough to navigate so accept who he is and know you can't see him struggling to function in a world he can't function in but he's struggling, it's invisible to everyone else but massively debilitating to the sufferer.

DuchessOfPort · 10/01/2023 16:19

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

DuchessOfPort · 10/01/2023 16:20

Sorry!! Wrong thread! 🤐

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 16:52

jojojanner · 10/01/2023 16:07

I have ADHD and this sounds like me and I wouldn't survive without my really understanding dh.
If it is this he can't help it and life with ADHD is hard enough to navigate so accept who he is and know you can't see him struggling to function in a world he can't function in but he's struggling, it's invisible to everyone else but massively debilitating to the sufferer.

My DH and I talk about this a lot. Whenever I tell him he's driving me bonkers, he reminds me that I can 'escape' (by going out or leaving the room, etc), but he can't escape his own mind. I think debilitating describes it perfectly.

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