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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband doesn’t ever consider consequences

48 replies

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 05:36

Hi all

Does anyone else’s husband just never consider the consequences of their actions?

Recent examples include drinking while having serious health problems; forgetting to pay credit card on time even though the amount is tiny and it resulted in being declined new mortgage; taking excessive amounts of pain relief; forgetting to take prescription medication for said health problems; ordering prescription medication when already out; eating badly all day like cheese on toast despite lovely meals being prepared for everyone else; only exercising in excessive fashion ( never exercises then goes for a really difficult run and is in pain afterwards); staying up late then unable to help with childcare next day etc.

It used to be quite minor ( late payment fees for forgetting to pay credit card bill when we were 25) but as he has gotten older it’s much worse. Now I look back he’s always leaned towards it but now it’s quite bad. I used to pick up slack when we were younger and I think that made it worse now I look back I could kick myself as it just encourages it obviously.

Any one see this before?

how do I make sure my kids don’t inherent this?

thank you

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 17:49

Thank you so much everyone

For those who know about ADHD are the lies standard too? Ie swearing prescriptions have been filled and credit cards paid?

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 10/01/2023 17:51

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 17:49

Thank you so much everyone

For those who know about ADHD are the lies standard too? Ie swearing prescriptions have been filled and credit cards paid?

Not in my case but impulse control can be an issue and therefore lying could be.

Far more likely though that it's just a lazy defensive thing.

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 17:55

@daisyjgrey lol cheese on toast is delicious agree! But if left to his own devices he will eat eg cheese on toast with tomato sauce or pizza for every meal for days. It doesn’t seem to occur to him that he should eat like an adult?

I can’t tell if it is extreme laziness, not caring about consequences or ADHD/ depression. I do suspect depression. I don’t know much about ADHD but now so many have said it I wonder.

Either way it’s seriously impacting our lives now because he lies and then I have to deal with fallout. He has ended up in emergency room as didn’t take his medication ( physical health problem) and now is doing it again.

I am going to push AGAIN that he get a mental health assessment. I’ve done this so many times and he refuses.

OP posts:

jojojanner · 10/01/2023 17:58

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 17:49

Thank you so much everyone

For those who know about ADHD are the lies standard too? Ie swearing prescriptions have been filled and credit cards paid?

Procrastination is and it can seem almost impossible to do tasks until the the last minute when you get a boosts of motivation and race against the clock.
I'm a stay home mum and I leave all the chores until an hour before my dh gets home and blitz the place just in time, if he rang during the day and asked if I'd done so and so... I'd say sure and then do it as he pulled up on the drive.

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 17:58

@Watchkeys he seems .. nothing. Not embarrassed, nothing. When he gets caught in a lie he just shrugs it off as if it hasn’t happened. When we were declined for mortgage because he failed to pay his credit card on time 3 months in a row he just said “oh sorry I should have done that I know you reminded me to pay it and that we needed to make sure we pay it on time as we are applying for a mortgage soon”. Did not seem to bother him at all.

OP posts:

Lookingoutside · 10/01/2023 17:58

‘I wouldn’t think ADHD…’

Why?

GordonShakespearedoesChristmas · 10/01/2023 18:00

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 11:39

It’s definitely getting much worse.

I wouldn’t think ADHD but I could believe he is depressed a little. It also strikes me as also just laziness and having someone do stuff for him all the time has enabled this.

When I talk to him about it he generally gets defensive and then I have to hassle him constantly to fix whatever the immediate issue is. I can’t rely on him to do it I have to ask 5 times and then it takes him ages. He also lies now and says he has done it when he hasn’t.

Still sounds like ADHD.
It's not about running around all the time you know!
I think he needs to be checked, as proper meds and coping mechanisms make all the difference.

BertaHoon · 10/01/2023 18:01

dolor · 10/01/2023 07:40

I have it too, and it does get worse the older you get.

Show quote history

Sorry, off topic but I also have ADHD and find I am getting worse the older I get. It's almost a relief to read that.

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 18:03

@Nat1833 interestingly I was always told that his mum worked full time from where her three kids were 3 months old and they all had to pull their weight. But what I’ve observed is the expectations are quite low in his family and everyone seems to excuse each other’s behaviour with “oh that’s just what they are like”

When I asked her recently she said he has always been like that and I knew what I married and that’s just him. That shocked me a bit as the red flags were there but of course I didn’t realise. She laughs it off!

OP posts:

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 18:04

@GordonShakespearedoesChristmas thank you - in advice of this thread I’m now taking ADHD as serious possibility.

I’ll talk to him and raise it I just have low hopes of actions

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Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 18:05

@Lookingoutside good point. Because I am a bit surprised tbh. But now so many have said it I am taking it seriously! Thank you so much everyone!

OP posts:

jojojanner · 10/01/2023 19:18

@ItsFineImFine may If he's doing a successful job, he's doing fine and home life is where he shouldn't have to mask anymore because that's exhausting.
It does sound as if he's doing his very best and your making home life hard so maybe leave him if you can't accept he's very like ADHD and can't ever change because his brains wired differently to yours, he can't be like you anymore than you can be like him, he can however exhaust himself at work masking it but when he comes home if he can't be himself without your expectations and criticism then please leave him to find someone who understands and can support him, it's the best thing you can do for him and I mean that in the nicest way.

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 19:35

I think lying could be a defence mechanism. How embarrassing would it be to forget to do a simple task, even when reminded multiple times to get it done? I'd be embarrassed and inclined to lie.

My DH doesn't lie, but gets very withdrawn when he's pulled up on things he forgets (or gets wrong). It's quite sad to watch him go through life feeling let down by his own brain. I try my hardest to support him - even though it drives me mad some days, it must be awful to live with.

Saying all of this, it might not be the case for your OH. Read around the subject a bit and see if it fits. There are a lot of misconceptions about ADHD that aren't true. There are also useful tests you can do online he might try.

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 19:36

@jojojanner wow that hurts. I’ve spent years supporting him. I don’t expect my husband to lie to me, frankly. As for help as stuff is too hard yes, lie no.

taking your words in the nicest possible way I see what you mean about him being wired differently thank you.

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Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 20:10

@ShirleyValentin3 thank you so much I think you are probably quite right - that’s probably exactly what’s happening. Really appreciate your perspective

I’m so glad I asked.

OP posts:

ShirleyValentin3 · 10/01/2023 20:35

ItsFineImFine · 10/01/2023 20:10

@ShirleyValentin3 thank you so much I think you are probably quite right - that’s probably exactly what’s happening. Really appreciate your perspective

I’m so glad I asked.

You're welcome. I hope it helps.

There are some great threads on MN about neurodiversity. It might help to build a bigger picture for you. You might also find some ideas for bringing this up with him. If he's never considered it before, it might take some getting used to.

There are some very supportive posters on MN who might be able to help with this.

Good luck op!

LTB1234 · 10/01/2023 20:43

Hi Op, yes my ex husband was just like this, not ADHD, just a lazy sod who had gotten used to me picking up the slack. All the things you describe it just sounds like he is lazy, doing as he pleases as he never actually has to deal with the fallout. But I guess you know him best.

bottledgrapes · 10/01/2023 21:03

LTB1234 · 10/01/2023 20:43

It's hardly fair to compare someone who's likely neurodivergent to a lazy sod is it?

ProhibitedSteps · 10/01/2023 22:38

Sounds a lot like ADHD!

FatandAlmostForty · 11/01/2023 09:51

My DH just read some of this over my shoulder and he is now adamant he must have ADHD and not just be a slightly lazy man!!! 😂Think I'm gonna have to get the whip out later!!!!!

QueenKong101 · 11/01/2023 10:15

Another vote for ADHD - you could be describing my DH, right down to the irresponsible financial management, oscillating between excessive exercise and barely leaving the house, disordered sleep patterns and occasional lying – often to buy time/deflect. He is also incredibly successful and widely respected at work.

My DH was diagnosed in his late 30s and while it's not a cure, counselling and medication has improved his situation immeasurably. I was burnt out, resentful and on the verge of leaving him before his diagnosis, which only came after our youngest DC was diagnosed. He recognised so much of what was flagged in our child's diagnosis in his own behaviour that he chose to investigate further.

Meanwhile, I have also learned to stop picking up as much of his slack and that in order to protect my own mental health, I sometimes need to detach to a degree. By being his safety net for most of our marriage, it turns out that I was actually preventing him from addressing many of his issues head on. He's an adult and while ADHD makes certain things harder for him, he can now put systems in place to mitigate some of the consequences.

I think the saying is something like stop setting yourself on fire to keep others warm. Basically that. Good luck!

Original poster

ItsFineImFine · 11/01/2023 10:33

Thank you so much! I’m going to talk to him and push for an ADHD assessment now. Blows my mind I’m so glad I posted I would never have suspected !!!

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workiskillingme · 11/01/2023 10:35

Yes my husband is the same but manages to motivate himself to do things he finds important or a priority to him
It's draining and has taken a massive toll on me
It's also caused huge issues with mortgage etc
Please message me for support if you want as I know how draining it is

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