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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I Don't Know How To Prove It

29 replies

lb66 · 10/01/2023 04:35

I think my husband's having an affair.
Just that.
He comes home from work every afternoon at the same time and within 30 - 60 minutes he's gone again. Every Afternoon. For about 3-4 hours.
This has been going on for maybe the last year or so. He's never ever left again almost as soon as he got home but it's almost every day and he's gone nearly all weekend too.
I wish I knew how to track his whereabouts.
Our marriage is hanging by a thread, not even a thread. I'm just biding my time, saving my money and have plans to leave as soon as I have enough saved up.
Frankly, I've had enough.

OP posts:
catmademedoit · 10/01/2023 04:44

Where does he say he is going ?

Is he changed and smartened up ?

Spending family money you cannot trace ?

Could he be doing a hobby/ working second job/ night school study / supporting a relative or close friend ?

Need more detail

ShippingNews · 10/01/2023 04:45

Have you asked him where he goes ?

Ragwort · 10/01/2023 04:46

Errr .... ask him.

Follow him?

WhereHasTheYoungMeGone · 10/01/2023 05:57

How have you let this go one for a year?

EVHead · 10/01/2023 06:04

Where does he say he’s going?!

Do you have children?

iliketartan · 10/01/2023 06:06

Probably down the pub.

ApolloandDaphne · 10/01/2023 06:07

He must give some reason for heading out again. Where does he say he is going?

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 10/01/2023 06:18

Has he got another job as a Deliveroo rider?

hoppityscotch · 10/01/2023 06:20

Have you asked him where he's going?

Thingshavebecomeweird · 10/01/2023 06:25

What is your finan ial situation as a couple. Stop doing any of his washing ironing etc and cooking for him.

QuinkWashable · 10/01/2023 06:26

When I (correctly) suspected my DP, but didn't want to confront him without evidence, I put an old phone in the car with the location services turned on in google, and watched where he went. I had plausible deniability if he found it, because it was one I sometimes gave the kids to play with on long journeys and I put it under the foot mat in the back of the car as if they'd dropped it and kicked it under by mistake.

That's if he's being mysterious - have you asked him what he's up to?

Dontknownow86 · 10/01/2023 06:27

You don't have to prove or, he's going out all day and ignoring you. That's enough.

Even if it's not an affair that's intolerable.

TerraNostra · 10/01/2023 06:28

Does he start work very early? If not, why is he finishing in the afternoon?

Suey you’ve asked him?

Zanatdy · 10/01/2023 06:29

Assume you’ve asked him where he goes to, or are you not even communicating?

SmileWithADimple · 10/01/2023 06:31

You don't need to prove it. If you're unhappy, just leave. You can get a divorce whether he's having an affair or not.

Unicorn717 · 10/01/2023 06:39

Do you actually speak to each other ? I'm surprised it's gone on for so long and you don't actually know what he's doing.

thirdtimeluckyorwhat · 10/01/2023 07:01

Get a friend to follow him

HomeTheatreSystem · 10/01/2023 07:14

I think that sometimes the desire for "evidence" clouds the issue which is that he's not communicating with you, he's not participating in life with you and he's disrespecting you.
Whether he's having an affair or out drinking or in the gym, he seems quite happy treating you like a piece of furniture rather than a wife. That is all you need to know. Use the time that he's not at home to get yourself set for leaving him.

Dery · 10/01/2023 07:25

@HomeTheatreSystem has nailed it. It’s pretty much irrelevant why he’s permanently absent (unless he’s working 2 jobs). The fact that he’s absented himself is enough. What puzzles me is that this seems to have gone on for a year without you discussing this with him - is it that you have and he comes up with BS explanations or are you scared to ask?

Tull · 10/01/2023 07:31

You haven’t asked in a year?

Lieslies · 10/01/2023 07:37

If you share your Google accounts - so you can have a communal photo album for example - it will also share locations on Google map history.

But the reason doesn't need proving, whatever he is doing for that time every day, means he isn't there to fully be in your relationship, and that's enough.

Watchkeys · 10/01/2023 10:02

You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes. You don't need proof that you're unhappy.

If a person doesn't like their partner's behaviour, and a suitable compromise can't be reached via talking about it, then they need to think about separating.

He's not there for you. He's not making you happy. He's not communicating with you. You don't trust him. Do you actually need lipstick on his collar and spying a string of sexting on his phone to justify leaving? If so, why? Why isn't you being unhappy enough for you? Your happiness is your own responsibility; you don't need 'evidence' to prove that you don't have it, or that you need to take action to get it back.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/01/2023 10:09

The lack of communication is very bad. Where does he say he is going? What do you say?

Aquamarine1029 · 10/01/2023 10:13

You don't need to prove anything. The marriage is already over.

strawbfield · 10/01/2023 12:11

Why do you need evidence? The fact he goes out every day and all weekend for hours and you don't know what he is doing?

That's not a health relationship

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