Has anyone here ever settled for a relationship?

couldntbemoreinlovd · 2023-01-09T22:41:21+00:00

I'm 40 and a lesbian so my dating pool is a lot smaller. I'm married and got married after 8 months. I'm wondering if I would of been inclined to do this if I wasn't starting to worry about being old and alone. Don't get me wrong me and my wife have lots of fun Has anyone else "settled" ?

wintersunshine78 · 09/01/2023 22:43

I think I lot of people do. Love can grow too.

garlicandsapphires · 09/01/2023 22:43

I think I have. Similar situation to you. I’m hoping it’ll work out.

RandomMess · 09/01/2023 22:45

Priorities change as you get older!

Kind, same humour, stable - all very important

Original poster

couldntbemoreinlovd · 09/01/2023 22:46

The not wanting to be alone and wanting company was a major factor for me.
Coming home to a empty house (18 year old has gone to uni ) was really going to be hard for me.
I knew I had to settle down and isn't it nice having company /no burden of paying bills alone etc

OP posts:

HundredMilesAnHour · 09/01/2023 22:49

Nope. I would rather be alone than settle.

GreyCarpet · 10/01/2023 00:13

I did. A long time ago. It didn't end well.

I'd never do it again. I'd rather be single.

cheshirebloke · 10/01/2023 00:30

Yes I did, in every relationship I had (only a handful admittedly) until recently (early 40's). Was probably due to fear of being single forever - if I hadn't gone along with it every time I still think that's how it would've played out. Now I'm with someone who I'm totally smitten with and it's put the previous relationships into perspective. So at least I've learnt from my mistakes!

MrsSkylerWhite · 10/01/2023 00:32

I tried once but no.

GetOffMyDoorJack · 10/01/2023 00:35

GreyCarpet · 10/01/2023 00:13

I did. A long time ago. It didn't end well.

I'd never do it again. I'd rather be single.

You've said exactly what I was going to.

StellaGibson2022 · 10/01/2023 00:40

I settled in hindsight - I knew that it wasn’t going to work but stayed with it. It didn’t go well as am sure you can imagine.

Definitely happier single (and plan to get a dog for companionship.

Teaandtoast3 · 10/01/2023 02:21

Yes but I didn’t know it at the time. It’s now ended. I wouldn’t recommend it.

Bagsundermyeyestoday · 10/01/2023 02:28

Sadly I think probably most people after about 35 settle! Although I do think I would actually have higher standards now at 40 than I did at 25 because I know myself better. I would probably also be single! Can't see anyone making the cut tbh!

barmycatmum · 10/01/2023 04:44

yes, I settled for a relationship with a man who made it clear very often that he thought he was settling for me. I deserved far better than being treated like a second choice.
I do not think it's kind to another person to take up the space in their life that someone could fill who truly loves them, and is grateful to be with them.

I will never again settle for someone who is indifferent.

It might be a kindness to let your partner go find someone who adores them...

DoomedForLoneliness · 10/01/2023 06:30

couldntbemoreinlovd · 09/01/2023 22:46

The not wanting to be alone and wanting company was a major factor for me.
Coming home to a empty house (18 year old has gone to uni ) was really going to be hard for me.
I knew I had to settle down and isn't it nice having company /no burden of paying bills alone etc

Did you not even try to be alone?

But to your question, I think many, many people settle…
To have kids, like you - to not be alone, money, status.
You’re not the only one.

Zanatdy · 10/01/2023 06:39

Yes. My ex chased me for ages. We were colleagues, became good friends and I was lonely having moved 250 miles from family and friends to somewhere I knew no-one (for a job). He seemed like such a nice guy, and I thought he would be great with my then 8yr old child. I never fancied him though, he was quite overweight, but then he lost weight, 5stone. No doubt to persue me, and gradually I began to see him differently but never in a I really fancy you stage.

Anyway we eventually got together and he moved in with my son and I. I got pregnant too quickly, and we bought a house before our Ds was born. A DD followed 3yrs later but by then I was aware of some character traits I didn’t like at all. He was a lovely guy but had a nasty side, he was incredibly jealous, he would get snappy and moody but then worse he would blank people for days on end if they did something he didn’t like. He ignored my son for 4 days infront of my mum who was staying to help with new baby as he lied about pee on the toilet seat (as he had a go at my son for not wiping the seat and he lied and said it wasn’t him). I’d just had a baby and imagine how that makes you feel when you’re already cautious older child doesn’t feel left out / upset. Anyway too many things happened and I left him for the way he treated my son. I later found out he started treating my son badly to get to me as he felt insecure about how I felt about him. Unbelievable.

I stayed away from men for many years, it’s been 13yrs since we split, our kids are 14 & 18 now (my eldest nearly 30). I didn’t want a repeat of step parent / child issue. But I’ve recently met someone and I fancy the pants off him. It’s made me realise I should have never settled for someone. Despite my ex’s terrible behaviour it also wasn’t fair on him. I mean he was the one who wouldn’t let it go that I only wanted to be friends, so I guess he also holds some responsibility for going out with someone who had settled for him. I’d never ever do it again. My advice is don’t do it. Really don’t.

Zanatdy · 10/01/2023 06:40

Sorry that was so long!!

Zanatdy · 10/01/2023 06:41

cheshirebloke · 10/01/2023 00:30

Yes I did, in every relationship I had (only a handful admittedly) until recently (early 40's). Was probably due to fear of being single forever - if I hadn't gone along with it every time I still think that's how it would've played out. Now I'm with someone who I'm totally smitten with and it's put the previous relationships into perspective. So at least I've learnt from my mistakes!

This is exactly what’s happened to me. Finally met someone I adore (early days though) and fancy the pants off and realise this is how it should be. He feels the same too and I guess that’s how relationships are meant to start off isn’t it?!

TheRightDecisions · 10/01/2023 12:30

Ifthe relationship goes through a hard time… the thing that helps one navigate it far more easily is the deep love and desire you have for your partner.

That can grow.

Is she treating you well so far… no issues?

Goatbilly · 10/01/2023 12:53

The issue is women want children (usually more than the men they're with) and/or marriage so the "clock" so to speak is always there in the background in your 20s and 30s if you want to achieve these particular "milestones". Also, financial security and social status as previously mentioned by someone are very much valued societally therefore it is a gamble to continue to look for that real spark that many women come to a certain age do not wish to continue. So I suppose it becomes a case of musical chairs for many. I know of one couple who were childhood sweethearts and appear to still be very much in love, the rest "magically" found the "one" around about between the ages of 29-33 just happens to be a coincidence? I don't think so

Lpc3 · 10/01/2023 15:50

I settled a bit on looks but not on character and morals of which are far more important (particularly in the long run).

xfan · 10/01/2023 16:08

Lpc3 · 10/01/2023 15:50

I settled a bit on looks but not on character and morals of which are far more important (particularly in the long run).

Did you still fancy your partner sexually? It's hard to be physically intimate with someone you just don't find (that) sexually attractive I've found.

Bertha21 · 10/01/2023 16:24

I settled partly out of wanting an escape from my family life. Also I was wary of being alone. I had enough of being treated badly by men wanting one thing. Years later I realised I was alone anyway. I had therapy and left the relationship. Our morals etc were completely different. If you are considering this now maybe it’s time to do some work on you and consider why you maybe settling.

Dollythesheepagain · 10/01/2023 19:59

I think it depends on what ‘settling’ means…. Sometimes I think we put too much pressure on what ‘not settling’ is…. I love my partner, he’s kinda and lovely, but do we have a magical connection where he fully connects to me on my wave length and ‘completes me’ .. not a chance!! But as I’ve got older I’ve realised I’m complete without him AND we all need multiple different relationships to feel fulfilled (I’m not saying we need several romantic partners at the same time! … but I need friends, wider family, work colleagues even my yoga class people! …i need different types of connections to satisfy different parts of me….)

emptythelitterbox · 10/01/2023 20:32

I think many do. They do what is expected and just go with the flow.

HerReputationMadeItDifficultToProceed · 10/01/2023 20:37

I did. Then I fell in love with someone else. So that was a bit of a pickle. It can work for some people, I'm sure, but it just created a big old mess for me. Luckily we didn't have any kids when I left him, but we owned a house and were pretty deep in it all. Worked out for the best but I would advise anyone else against "settling" and intertwining their life with anyone they were unsure about after how hard it was to untangle my situation.